Clean your microwave (you dirty bastard)

How to clean your microwave:

Put lemon slices in a bowl full of water & cook on high for 3-5 minutes. This steams up the walls of the microwave and allows you to easily wipe away food and grease. It also leaves a nice smell.

Our tax dollars at work

I recently received this in the mail. I'm not sure what upsets me more; the fact that the Postal Service is sending me junk mail or the thought that our tax dollars are being used to buy Cathy cartoons.

More bad interviews

Here are some more interview responses. I swear these are real.

Applicant #1:
Q: How would you handle a student that was misbehaving or refusing to do their work?
A: "A small amount of personal abuse. I would use negative re-enforcement and personal disapproval, depending on the amount of authority your company gives me."

Applicant #2:
Q: When speaking to the parents of a student, what do you feel is the most appropriate way to discuss their child's progress (or lack thereof)?
A: "Don't tell them that you hate their kids, even if that is something you really feel or want to eventually prove. . . ."

Noncents

According to a recent New York Times article, the US Mint now spends 1.73 cents for every penny and 8.74 cents for every nickel it makes.

Don't mess with Texas. No . . . seriousley.

Bill would allow legally blind Texans to hunt
Associated Press (article excerpt) - December 12, 2006

A state lawmaker wants to make sure no Texan is left out when it comes to hunting, even if the hunter is legally blind.

Rep. Edmund Kuempel, a Seguin Republican, has filed a bill for the 2007 legislative session that would allow legally blind hunters to use a laser sight, or lighted pointing instrument. The devices are forbidden for sighted hunters.

Blind hunters would also have to have a sighted hunter along with them, but they could hunt any game that sighted people can hunt in the same seasons and using the same weapons.

Something is wrong with my brain

Okay, so every day I take a shower and almost every day I walk out of the shower to dry off only to find that I have forgotten to rinse the soap off of my ears. This happens at least 50% of the time and I am not sure why. I think maybe the part of my brain that activates the "ear rinse" function has been permanently damaged.

Paid to party

According to a recent ABC news article, celebrities are being paid thousands of dollars just to show up and hang out at Christmas parties. Not to perform – just to hang out and mingle. Here's a list of a few of these bitches and their current asking price.

Kevin Federline - $12,000 to $20,000

Dave Navarro - $20,000 to $30,000

Mario Lopez - $25,000+

Jessica Simpson - $1,000,000

Bargain bin:

William Hung - $4,000 (and he'll perform two songs!)

Top 5 SNL commercials (+ worst ever)

1. "The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's a Rap!" (CD)
2. "Bathroom Monkey"
3. "Old Glory Insurance" (robot insurance)
4. "Mom Jeans"
5. "Schmitt's Gay" (beer)

Worst: "Donald Trump's House of Wings"

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

My master plan

If I ever become wealthy I will hire a computer genius to create a virus that will eliminate all email forwards. This virus will not harm any computer or access any personal information. It will simply search out and destroy all forwards, making the world a better place for all.

Pandora Internet Radio

A few years ago a group of musicians created "The Music Genome Project." This group categorized tens of thousands of songs into hundreds of sub-genres based on melody, harmony, rhythm, orchestration, arrangement, lyrics, and vocal harmony.

Out of this project came Pandora Internet Radio. Pandora automatically creates commercial-free radio stations based around bands that you like. You can rate the songs that play on the station (thumbs up or thumbs down) and Pandora will adjust the playlist accordingly. It's a great way to find new music.

Top 5 malt liquor 40's (+ worst ever)

1. Olde English "800"
2. King Cobra
3. Crazy Horse
4. St. Ides
5. Country Club

Worst: Camo

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

F#*%ing Austria

I was browsing around on snopes.com (a fact-finding website) and found this photo. Apparently there is a town in Austria named "Fucking."

The worst part? "Bitte - nicht so schnell!" is German for "Please - not so fast!"

Totally random facts

• Charlie Chaplin once entered a “Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest” and lost.
• Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck went bald after being struck by lightning.
• The band Modest Mouse got their name from an essay by Virginia Woolf entitled The Mark On the Wall. In it the author described the working middle class as "modest, mouse-coloured people."

50 things to eat before you die

A couple of years ago the BBC took a survey to find out "50 things to eat before you die." Although some of the items on the list are kind of stupid (sandwiches?!), I still think it is a pretty fun idea.

I've had 43 out of 50. Check out the list to see what you're missing!

1.Fresh fish 2.Lobster 3.Steak 4.Thai food 5.Chinese food 6.Ice cream 7.Pizza 8.Crab 9.Curry 10.Prawns 11.Moreton Bay Bugs 12.Clam chowder 13.Barbecues 14.Pancakes 15.Pasta 16.Mussels 17.Cheesecake 18.Lamb 19.Cream tea 20.Alligator 21.Oysters 22.Kangaroo 23.Chocolate 24.Sandwiches 25.Greek food 26.Burgers 27.Mexican food 28.Squid 29.American diner breakfast 30.Salmon 31.Venison 32.Guinea pig 33.Shark 34.Sushi 35.Paella 36.Barramundi 37.Reindeer 38.Kebab 39.Scallops 40.Australian meat pie 41.Mango 42.Durian fruit 43.Octopus 44.Ribs 45.Roast beef 46.Tapas 47.Jerk chicken/pork 48.Haggis 49.Caviar 50.Cornish pasty 51.Taco Bell nacho cheese

(Okay, I added in the last one - but it really should have made the list.)

This camel knows how to party!

Guinness guzzling camel crashes Xmas party
Reuters - December 6, 2006

Staff at an Irish riding school were forced to postpone festivities after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness intended for their Christmas party.

Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdom show, helped himself to the feast while staff were getting changed for the party.

"Gus found his way out of his pen and helped himself," Robert Fagan, owner of the Mullingar Equestrian Centre in central Ireland, told Reuters.

The 11-year-old camel, originally from Morocco, cracked open six cans of Ireland's famous stout with his teeth after the door to his stall was left open.

Gus appeared well after Monday evening's feeding frenzy, Fagan said, adding: "We were all looking forward to it, but you couldn't blame him. He's really a very gentle, docile sort of camel."

They got me on lockdown!

One of the main problems with my office is that someone is always looking over my shoulder - literally. My boss positioned the desks so that he (or one of his minions) can sit a couple of feet behind me in order to keep watch.

He sits there all day poised like a freaking chicken hawk, spying on what I do. I can almost feel his beady little eyes boring into the back of my head.

I drew up a diagram so as to illustrate my situation.

Botox for your hair

So I tried this new shampoo called “Body Envy” this morning. Of course, I dropped it in the shower so now the cap is broken and I have to suffer through the entire rest of the bottle with a broken top.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the secret ingredient is that will make everyone envy my body (more than they do now, of course). The shampoo does smell suspiciously like Gummy Bears. . . .

Champagne Parachute

This is a real product!

Although I think the idea is pretty awesome, I feel that I must post instructions on the proper way to open a bottle. I know it's more fun to try and shoot out a friend's eye, but if you spend a lot of cash on a bottle you really should do it right.

How to Open a Bottle of Sparkling Wine
(from Domain Chandon's website)

1. Make sure the bottle is cold. Sparkling wine tastes best when cool (45 to 55 degrees). The best way to chill sparkling wine is to place the bottle in a bucket of half ice and half cold water for about twenty minutes.

2. Remove the foil covering the cork.

3. Place a folded cloth napkin over the cork and wire hood. Grasp the cork and neck of the bottle through the napkin. Tilt the bottle away from yourself and others at a 45-degree angle, bracing the bottom of the bottle against yourself. If you are opening the bottle in its ice bucket, brace the bottom against the inside corner of the bucket.

4. Pull down the wire tab that secures the hood; untwist the tab and loosen the wire hood so that it does not catch on the lip of the bottle. However, do not remove the wire hood and do not let go of the cork. Still grasping the cork and wire hood through the cloth napkin, slowly twist the tilted bottle - not the cork.

5. As you turn the bottle, the pressure of the bubbles will push the cork out. Keep a firm grip on the cork and gently let it ease itself out of the bottle. Try tilting the edge of the cork closest to you to allow the gas to escape slowly off the side. The cork should come out with a whisper, not a loud pop. Enjoy!

Favorite childhood Christmas gifts

Emerson Stereo - I asked for a tape deck and my grandparents got me a home stereo. It came complete with a dual cassette deck and built-in record player!

Sidewinder Scooter- This baby had a handbreak, air-filled tires and a foot platform the size of a skateboard deck. Suck it Razor scooters!

M.U.S.C.L.E. Men - These were the best! I couldn't get enough of these little rubber action figures.

A touch of class