Ladies?

Look what I found at the Rite Aid pharmacy:

Billion-dollar bills

According to a recent AP news article, a bunch of people in Texas got billion-dollar electric bills this month due to a printing mistake. One guy got a bill for over $24 billion!

I wish my electric company would send me a bill like that. What a great thing to post on your fridge.

My art degree just paid for itself

I made these personalized 40's for a few of my friends.

Some guys have all the luck. . . .

Man charged after shooting his foot
Associated Press - February 13, 2007

Sheboygan County prosecutors hope to add imprisonment to injury. They charged a 31-year-old man Monday with being a felon in possession of a firearm after he shot himself in the foot Friday.

Patrick R. Hupf Jr. was cleaning the trigger of a .22-caliber rifle when it fired and hit him in the right foot, according to a criminal complaint.

Hupf said the gun belonged to his father, the complaint said. Hupf's father told police that his son forgot to check the chamber before cleaning the gun. He called 911 and had Hupf taken to the hospital, police said.

Hupf faces up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000.

Clean your microwave (you dirty bastard)

How to clean your microwave:

Put lemon slices in a bowl full of water & cook on high for 3-5 minutes. This steams up the walls of the microwave and allows you to easily wipe away food and grease. It also leaves a nice smell.

Our tax dollars at work

I recently received this in the mail. I'm not sure what upsets me more; the fact that the Postal Service is sending me junk mail or the thought that our tax dollars are being used to buy Cathy cartoons.

More bad interviews

Here are some more interview responses. I swear these are real.

Applicant #1:
Q: How would you handle a student that was misbehaving or refusing to do their work?
A: "A small amount of personal abuse. I would use negative re-enforcement and personal disapproval, depending on the amount of authority your company gives me."

Applicant #2:
Q: When speaking to the parents of a student, what do you feel is the most appropriate way to discuss their child's progress (or lack thereof)?
A: "Don't tell them that you hate their kids, even if that is something you really feel or want to eventually prove. . . ."

Noncents

According to a recent New York Times article, the US Mint now spends 1.73 cents for every penny and 8.74 cents for every nickel it makes.

Don't mess with Texas. No . . . seriousley.

Bill would allow legally blind Texans to hunt
Associated Press (article excerpt) - December 12, 2006

A state lawmaker wants to make sure no Texan is left out when it comes to hunting, even if the hunter is legally blind.

Rep. Edmund Kuempel, a Seguin Republican, has filed a bill for the 2007 legislative session that would allow legally blind hunters to use a laser sight, or lighted pointing instrument. The devices are forbidden for sighted hunters.

Blind hunters would also have to have a sighted hunter along with them, but they could hunt any game that sighted people can hunt in the same seasons and using the same weapons.

Something is wrong with my brain

Okay, so every day I take a shower and almost every day I walk out of the shower to dry off only to find that I have forgotten to rinse the soap off of my ears. This happens at least 50% of the time and I am not sure why. I think maybe the part of my brain that activates the "ear rinse" function has been permanently damaged.

Paid to party

According to a recent ABC news article, celebrities are being paid thousands of dollars just to show up and hang out at Christmas parties. Not to perform – just to hang out and mingle. Here's a list of a few of these bitches and their current asking price.

Kevin Federline - $12,000 to $20,000

Dave Navarro - $20,000 to $30,000

Mario Lopez - $25,000+

Jessica Simpson - $1,000,000

Bargain bin:

William Hung - $4,000 (and he'll perform two songs!)

Top 5 SNL commercials (+ worst ever)

1. "The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's a Rap!" (CD)
2. "Bathroom Monkey"
3. "Old Glory Insurance" (robot insurance)
4. "Mom Jeans"
5. "Schmitt's Gay" (beer)

Worst: "Donald Trump's House of Wings"

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

My master plan

If I ever become wealthy I will hire a computer genius to create a virus that will eliminate all email forwards. This virus will not harm any computer or access any personal information. It will simply search out and destroy all forwards, making the world a better place for all.

Pandora Internet Radio

A few years ago a group of musicians created "The Music Genome Project." This group categorized tens of thousands of songs into hundreds of sub-genres based on melody, harmony, rhythm, orchestration, arrangement, lyrics, and vocal harmony.

Out of this project came Pandora Internet Radio. Pandora automatically creates commercial-free radio stations based around bands that you like. You can rate the songs that play on the station (thumbs up or thumbs down) and Pandora will adjust the playlist accordingly. It's a great way to find new music.

Top 5 malt liquor 40's (+ worst ever)

1. Olde English "800"
2. King Cobra
3. Crazy Horse
4. St. Ides
5. Country Club

Worst: Camo

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

F#*%ing Austria

I was browsing around on snopes.com (a fact-finding website) and found this photo. Apparently there is a town in Austria named "Fucking."

The worst part? "Bitte - nicht so schnell!" is German for "Please - not so fast!"

Totally random facts

• Charlie Chaplin once entered a “Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest” and lost.
• Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck went bald after being struck by lightning.
• The band Modest Mouse got their name from an essay by Virginia Woolf entitled The Mark On the Wall. In it the author described the working middle class as "modest, mouse-coloured people."

50 things to eat before you die

A couple of years ago the BBC took a survey to find out "50 things to eat before you die." Although some of the items on the list are kind of stupid (sandwiches?!), I still think it is a pretty fun idea.

I've had 43 out of 50. Check out the list to see what you're missing!

1.Fresh fish 2.Lobster 3.Steak 4.Thai food 5.Chinese food 6.Ice cream 7.Pizza 8.Crab 9.Curry 10.Prawns 11.Moreton Bay Bugs 12.Clam chowder 13.Barbecues 14.Pancakes 15.Pasta 16.Mussels 17.Cheesecake 18.Lamb 19.Cream tea 20.Alligator 21.Oysters 22.Kangaroo 23.Chocolate 24.Sandwiches 25.Greek food 26.Burgers 27.Mexican food 28.Squid 29.American diner breakfast 30.Salmon 31.Venison 32.Guinea pig 33.Shark 34.Sushi 35.Paella 36.Barramundi 37.Reindeer 38.Kebab 39.Scallops 40.Australian meat pie 41.Mango 42.Durian fruit 43.Octopus 44.Ribs 45.Roast beef 46.Tapas 47.Jerk chicken/pork 48.Haggis 49.Caviar 50.Cornish pasty 51.Taco Bell nacho cheese

(Okay, I added in the last one - but it really should have made the list.)

This camel knows how to party!

Guinness guzzling camel crashes Xmas party
Reuters - December 6, 2006

Staff at an Irish riding school were forced to postpone festivities after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness intended for their Christmas party.

Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdom show, helped himself to the feast while staff were getting changed for the party.

"Gus found his way out of his pen and helped himself," Robert Fagan, owner of the Mullingar Equestrian Centre in central Ireland, told Reuters.

The 11-year-old camel, originally from Morocco, cracked open six cans of Ireland's famous stout with his teeth after the door to his stall was left open.

Gus appeared well after Monday evening's feeding frenzy, Fagan said, adding: "We were all looking forward to it, but you couldn't blame him. He's really a very gentle, docile sort of camel."

They got me on lockdown!

One of the main problems with my office is that someone is always looking over my shoulder - literally. My boss positioned the desks so that he (or one of his minions) can sit a couple of feet behind me in order to keep watch.

He sits there all day poised like a freaking chicken hawk, spying on what I do. I can almost feel his beady little eyes boring into the back of my head.

I drew up a diagram so as to illustrate my situation.