Sunday, May 27, 2012

My new toy

My wife got me a Ken doll for my birthday! It's jet black and about seven inches tall. I spent all day yesterday picking out accessories for it (my Ken doll looks fantastic in leather, by the way). I catch people staring at me when I play with it in public, but I just smile because I know they're jealous.


*Update: I've just been told that the name of my new toy is pronounced Kindle, not "Ken doll." Thanks for nothing, Blogger spell check.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to

(You would blog too if it happened to you)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am really really excited and I got a few cards in the mail and I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to open them but I couldn't wait so I opened them and then I saw that I got some money and just had to spend a little so I went to the local beer shop and picked out a couple of twenty-twos to drink on my birthday and I came home and put them in the fridge but I was too excited to wait until tomorrow so I am trying one right now!!!

Did I mention that I'm excited about my birthday?

The beer that I am enjoying right now is called "Pliny the Elder." While buying it I was told that there was a limit of one per customer. Apparently the beer is so sought after that if they don't limit their sales, it would all be bought up immediately. So you can see why I would want to try it as soon as I got home. I'm happy to report that it is good. Hoppy with a crisp, citrusy finish. Did I mention that it's 8% ABV? Go out and track one down!



P.S. I'm feeling a little guilty about drinking so early in the day. I mean, it's four o'clock somewhere. . . .

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Innovative philanthropy

Man donates Kmart inventory to charity
United Press International (article excerpt) - May 18, 2012

A Kentucky businessman who purchased a closing Kmart store's entire inventory and donated it to charity said he hopes the deed inspires others to do good.

Rankin Paynter, the owner of a Winchester firm that buys up surplus goods, said he decided to purchase the closing store's entire inventory -- valued at about $200,000 -- upon learning the store would allow it on the last day of business and he soon decided to donate all of the merchandise to Clark County Community Services, a charity serving low and middle income families in the area, ABC News reported Friday.

"It makes me feel good [to give to charity]," Paynter said. "I come from real poor background. I'm talking really poor."

Paynter said he hopes the attention his donation is receiving will inspire others to give to charity.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

A (super) Sonic rant



The Sonic fast food chain markets itself as "America's Drive-In." I thought that going there would be a fun old fashioned drive-in experience à la American Graffiti. Instead, it turned out to be more like a scene from one of the Saw movies. (I haven't seen them, but I hear they're about people who go to restaurants and get bad service, right?) Anyway, here's what happened.

When I pulled up to the place I was excited - it definitely looked the part. There was a line of parking spots, each space outfitted with its own back-lit menu and shiny speaker-box. I pulled up and ordered a burger combo.

A few minutes later, a shifty looking slacker shuffled out to my car, carrying my food. I couldn't help but notice that he had a pair of roller skates slung over his shoulder. Now, I'm not an expert on old school drive-ins but I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be wearing the roller skates. Anyway, I digress. I eagerly grasped for the tray and asked how to secure it to my car door. He looked genuinely confused and stated that they were not allowed to let customers handle the trays. I asked if they had any type of place-mat or box that I could eat on, and he said "no." He handed me my food in a bag and walked off, leaving me to consider just what exactly was the difference between this "drive-in" and any other "drive through."

After pondering this existential dilemma I decided to go eat at a table in front of the building. I walked over, spread out my food, and realized that I had no ketchup. I got up and tried to go inside the restaurant to get some, but the door was locked. I could see employees inside, but nobody came to the door (I found out later that customers are not allowed inside). So, I had no choice but to trek back across the parking lot. I stood next to my car and awkwardly bent over the speaker-box to ask for some ketchup. The employee agreed to meet me back at my table and I set off to walk back across the lot. (I should mention that later in the meal I ran out of napkins, but I just used the paper bag. I didn't want to spend another five minutes walking back and forth through the parking lot.)

So it turned out to be a pretty far cry from my dream of an American Graffiti experience, unless you count the actual graffiti in the area of the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't expecting Harrison Ford to drive up wearing a cowboy hat (although that would have been awesome). I just thought that it would be at least as convenient as a freakin' drive through.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gnarley post, brah!

Reuters News recently reported that Garrett McNamara just won the world record for surfing the largest wave ever ridden (a 78 footer)!



That's all fine and well, except that everyone knows that the late, great Bodhisattva rode the most humongous wave ever (in the middle of a 50 year storm, no less). So much for journalistic integrity, Reuters.



In related news, a real-life Johnny Utah is attempting to win a different (but equally bodacious) world record.

Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - May 13, 2012

A 34-year-old unemployed man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight.

James Peterson began the attempt on Friday morning, according to the Akron Beacon Journal, and was scheduled to end at 3 a.m. local time Saturday. Peterson, a self-described fist-pumping "veteran," was accompanied by a pair of videographers on his quest for the record--which included stops at bars in and around the University of Akron.

"I did this on St. Patrick's Day, but it was not documented," Peterson said, telling the paper that he super-glued his right fist closed "to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation."



Vaya con Dios, Peterson.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Spaghetti and skin horses

Earlier this week I took my wife out to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. As anyone who has visited one of these restaurants knows, they have some crazy decor. When we arrived we were seated in a booth with a particularly weird painting. The portrait depicted a pale man-child casually leaning against a (stuffed?) pony, tiny whip in hand.

After ordering our appetizers a woman approached us and said that she "needed to take a picture of the painting." She then proceeded to take multiple snapshots of the thing, awkwardly leaning over our table in the process.

Once she left, we had a laugh and went on with our dinner. By this time, our drinks had arrived and I raised my glass to thank my wife for doing our taxes. I recited my toast (which I nailed by the way), and was just about to take a sip of my beer when the crazy lady appeared again. She interrupted us and frantically stated that she needed to take another photo. She explained that she had a "skin horse" at home, and would love to hang a photo of the painting above it. She took a few more shots while muttering to herself and then scurried back to wherever she came from.

And I thought the photo was disturbing. What the hell is a "skin horse," and what is this woman doing constructing some sort of shrine around one?!

I snapped a photo of the painting myself, so that my loyal blog fans could gaze upon it in all of its glory. Feel free to print a copy and hang it above your favorite taxidermied hobbyhorse!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

AdvertiZING

The ad department at Dave & Buster's has done it again. Check out their new enticing offer.



In addition to two $10 gameplay vouchers you get not one, not two, but FOUR boring dinners! It's a wonder this place is still in business.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Top 5 unhealthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips (w/Onion Dip)
2. Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich
3. Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese (w/Ritz Crackers)
4. Mother's Circus Animal Cookies
5. Hostess Orange CupCakes

Worst: Peeps

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Friday, May 04, 2012

Top 5 healthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Jack Link's Original Beef Jerkey
2. CowPals Light String Cheese
3. Triscuit Reduced Fat Crackers
4. Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Cereal (w/skim milk)
5. Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffins (w/Just Fruit jam)

Worst: Banana Power Bar

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Mini-rants

1. It sucks when your laptop dies because you forgot to plug in both sides of the cord (it's plugged into the laptop or the wall, not both).

2. They should change the name of the "world famous" radio station KROQ to GDFF, because all they play is Green Day and Foo Fighters.

3. I hate it when people won't accept payment for an item when you're a penny short. Like when you try to buy something that costs $5.01 with a five dollar bill, and the checker won't budge until you pull out another dollar. I'm like, "get real, dude."

4. What's the deal with all the jerks walking around in the world? I mean, why do they have so be such jerks?!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Five o'clock rant

I have a real problem with the phrase, "it's five o'clock somewhere." Allow me to explain.

First of all, in order for the statement to be accurate, it can only be made on the hour.  The logic of this seems lost on most people.  Consider the popular country song "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," by Alan Jackson. The chorus goes, "It's only half-past twelve but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere." Sorry A-Jax (nickname patent pending), it's actually five thirty somewhere.  And also, you're an idiot.

Secondly, if you want to have a drink before five, just do it and shut yer yap. I guarantee that anyone who'll judge you for getting sloshed during the day won't be swayed by your proclamation that that it's drinkin' time in Guam.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The jig is up

According to a recent Marest Poll, the most popular location for U.S. adults to hide money is in their freezer.

Out of the 1,080 people surveyed, 27% said they hide their money in their freezer, 19% said they stash it inside a sock, 11% said they have money in their mattress, and 10% said they keep cash in their cookie jar (which sounds extremely unsanitary).

Where do you stash your cash?  Leave an (anonymous) comment!

Friday, April 13, 2012

I was duped

Happy Friday the 13th!
(Remember to avoid people with hockey masks and knives today.)

It's kind of crazy that we have two fake holidays this month.  I should take this time to say that I'm sorry about my April Fools' Day prank. I know some of you went out and spent your life savings because of it.

It may make you feel better to know that I was tricked as well. While looking for blog-worthy material on the Internet I came across a concept car being debuted at the New York Auto Show.  MINI Cooper introduced their "Yachtsman" amphibious vehicle, and I was just about to write a post about it (and how much I wanted one).  After doing a little more research I discovered that it was an April Fools' hoax.  Apparently the MINI Cooper company went so far as to issue a false press release, construct a fake version of the vehicle, and showcase it in the auto show.  Awesome!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 5 fast-casual restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. Chipotle Mexican Grill
2. Daphne's Greek Cafe
3. Miguel's Jr.
4. Panda Express
5. Wahoo's Fish Taco

Worst: Quiznos

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Performance art

N.D. family loses a friend they never met
United Press International - April 8, 2012

A years-long mystery ended for a North Dakota family when they learned "Jim," who sent them post cards as if they were close friends, had picked them at random.

For the Olson family of Turtle Lake, the sad part was finding out that "Jim" was Jim Moore of Mankato, Minn., a complete stranger who started sending them post cards seven years ago, had died, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Sunday.

Fed up with only receiving bills and coupons in the mail, Moore had come to realize he missed receiving real, handwritten letters. So he got on the Internet and picked a random Midwestern town, and a random last name: Olson. So began his one-sided correspondence with Stan and Sheila Olson.

The Olsons would receive a postcard about three times a year, which was vague enough to make them think Jim was someone they had met before. The messages were brief, such as:

"Was in Paris and saw Francois and Emilie. They send their regards."

Sheila, 52, kept all of Jim's postcards in a box and soon friends and relatives were asking after Jim.

"Our kids have really grown up with this," she told the Star Tribune. "He wrote like he knew us. That was what was so funny."

In January, Moore, 38, passed away from complications of bile duct cancer. Moore's friend, Andrew Reeves, wrote to the Olsons to explain the postcards.

"Sadly, the art exhibition has closed," Reeves' note concluded. "No more postcards from Jim will randomly appear in the mail."

Sheila wrote back to give Reeves her condolences, and explain to him how Jim's postcards gave her family something to smile about.

"My dad had a quirky sense of humor, too," she said. "If he were alive, he would have tried this himself."

Friday, April 06, 2012

Happy spring!

Artist Steve Wheen turns ugly potholes into beautiful miniature gardens. Here are some of my favorite photos from his "guerrilla gardening" blog The Pothole Gardener.





Monday, April 02, 2012

Eww de Toilette

While going through airport security a few days ago, the guy in front of me was told that he couldn't bring his cologne on the plane. Then things got weird.

In a desperate attempt to "fight the power," the man proceeded to douse himself with the remainder of his bottle. I am not exaggerating when I say that he sprayed himself at least 80 times. Cologne was running down his face, neck, and chest as he struggled to eek out every last drop of fluid. Everyone in line tried to avoid eye contact with him, but it was clear that he saw himself as some kind of working man's hero. I honestly think he was expecting to be hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow travelers, smiling victoriously as people cheered him on for sticking it to The Man.

Here's a clandestine photo I snapped of the perfumed perpetrator with his stench spray. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to him on his flight!

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Congratulations!

You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).



*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping
United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.