This article is nuts!

Testicle-eating fish caught by stunned fisherman in New Jersey
Metro UK (article expert) - September 25, 2013

The South American freshwater fish, commonly found in the Amazon, was hooked by shocked fisherman Tom Boylan just 15 miles outside of New York City on Saturday.

Nicknamed the ‘ball-cutter’, the pacu has a reputation for chomping on testicles, often mistaking them for tree nuts.

‘They bite because they’re hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,’ said one expert.

Hulu rant

I signed up for a free trial of Hulu Plus in order to watch some reruns of Parks and Recreation. I was excited to check out the service until I fired up an episode and a bunch of commercials came on. The ads played throughout each episode and were impossible to skip! What kind of site are they running over there? I'm not paying to watch commercials and apparently I'm not the only one. Check out the number one "most popular" help question on their site.

Horrible/Awesome (but mostly horrible)

The human brewery: Texas man brews beer in his belly
Metro UK - September 21, 2013

A tee-total Texan has given a new meaning to the term ‘beer belly’ after being diagnosed with a rare medical condition that gets him drunk without touching a drop.

The 61-year-old suffers from auto-brewery syndrome, an unusual yeast infection that mimics the signs of intoxication.

His wife feared he was a secret alcoholic as he would often wake up drunk and would suddenly appear sloshed at church or at work.

He arrived at hospital five times over the legal driving limit complaining of dizziness before doctors eventually worked out his condition.

‘He would get drunk out of the blue,’ explained Barbara Cordell, the dean of nursing at Panola College in Texas.

‘On a Sunday morning after being at church, or really, just anytime - his wife was so dismayed about it that she even bought a breathalyse.’

An overabundance of yeast from foods such bread or pasta turned the patient’s stomach into a brewery, meaning he was unable to stay sober, the International Journal of Clinical Medicine reported.

WTS?!

This photo was taken in a bathroom on the USC campus. Just what the shit is going on over there?



Thanks to my wife for taking this photo and for reminding me that today marks this blog's 7 Year Blogiversary!

Four new games

I haven't played video games for about a year but now I'm back. I just got four new games and I love 'em all!

Another example of Australian badassery

Australia's official agency of tourism recently posted this photo on their Facebook page. They blurred out the kangaroo's privates as a joke, but apparently a bunch of people got upset and wrote in to complain.

Funny reviews

Amazon.com just posted a bunch of funny reviews written by their customers. Here are my favorites.


BIC Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen



"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
E. Bradley

"i live with my parents and when my dad found me using these pens he threw all of my things in the trash and now he's taking me on a hunting trip?"
john mcgowan

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal



"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
J. Fitzsimmons

"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."
MoLaw

"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"
E. Bonheim

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask



"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."
Selig7

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."
T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."
ByronicHero

How to Avoid Huge Ships



"I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer's other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven't been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!"
Citizenfitz

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable



"Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again."
Matthew Sidor

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt



"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
overlook1977

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."
Seth G. Macy

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed."
SW3K

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
J. Anderson

This rant is bananas

Do you hate the "dine in" banana experience? Is the preparation, the cutlery, and the cleanup all just too much for you to handle? Well, friend, you're in luck. For just five times the price of one of those tedious grocery store bananas, Starbucks is now offering hassle free "to go" bananas!

Low calorie rant

There is a truck parked on my street advertising some type of pita bread wrap. The claim on the side of the truck is that their product has "half the fat and half the carbs of regular bread." While I am sure this is true, you have to consider the fact that a pita wrap also contains half the bread.

This sparked a business idea. I am going to start selling candy bars door-to-door. Each one will taste exactly the same as a regular candy bar, but will have half the fat and half the calories! Here's a photo of my invention.

So that's what that is! (#2)

Here are some more things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How tall was Napoleon?

2. What is the furthest distance between two points on the surface of the earth?

3. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?


ANSWERS
1. There is some debate, but Napoleon Bonaparte is generally believed to have been 5 foot 7 inches tall.
2. The farthest you can ever get from your landlord is approximately 12,451 miles (until he dies and goes to hell, of course).
3. I just conducted this (delicious) experiment for myself and I got 633.

Professor Nutbag

I was going through a box of papers the other day and came across some notes from my teaching credential program. I had a few crazy teachers, but the instructor for my EELB 533 class took the cake. The notes below are from one of her classes. She droned on about herself while I wrote down key points of her monologue.

Click the images to make them bigger.

Patented tent consistently, persistently, portents attention!

I just got a new tent and I like it so much I have to blog about it! It's huge, and it only takes a minute to put up. I am not exaggerating. I put it up by myself in one minute (and took it down in two). Definitely the best tent I've ever owned.

2011 Model Coleman 14x10 Foot 8 Person Instant Tent

Free Slurpees!

For one day only, 7-Eleven stores across the nation will be giving out FREE Slurpees. The promotion takes place on July 11th (7-11). Tell your friends!

NOTE: This post was delayed because of the More Rants than Raves "beer reviews every day in July" event. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Guinness Draught

RATING: 5/5



Best. Beer. Ever.


Hope. You. Enjoyed. The. Month. Of. Beer. Reviews. Visit. Again. Soon. For. More. Fun. Stuff.

Twilight Summer Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



Wow. I honestly wasn't expecting too much flavor from a self-described "summer" ale, but this one surprised me. I can see myself throwing back a few dozen of these at a BBQ.

Tower 10 IPA

RATING: 4/5



I've tried most of the beers that Karl Strauss puts out and none of them can stand up to their Tower 10 IPA. It is smooth and hoppy with a crisp bitter-but-not-too-bitter finish. For the purposes of this blog project, all the beers I rated were drank out of a bottle unless otherwise noted. FYI, Tower 10 is even better on tap. I would rate the draught version a 5/5!

Leffe Blond

RATING: 2/5



I'll be the first to admit that the rating I gave this beer is unfair. By giving it a 2/5, the implication is that it is a bad beer. This is not exactly true. The beer has a complex, rich flavor. The problem is that the flavor is exactly the opposite of the style of beer that I like. If you look at my rating system, a 2/5 indicates that, "although this beer may be likable to some, I found it unappealing." That pretty much sums up Leffe Blond.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



I have been a fan of Sierra Nevada for a long time. A few years ago they switched their caps from twist-off to pop-off and I still find myself trying to twist the caps off out of habit (nearly ripping my fingers off in the process). The Sierra Nevada brewery is immaculate and offers a great tour. They make a bunch of beers that are only available on tap in bars around the brewery. When I visited my favorite was their "Crystal Wheat."

Batch 19

RATING: 3/5



I LOVE the idea behind this beer. Apparently someone at Coors stumbled upon an old beer recipe in the basement archives of the brewery dating back before Prohibition. Coors reproduced the recipe and labeled it "Batch 19." It is so cool to taste what beer was like almost 100 years ago! It's also cool that beer doesn't taste like this anymore! Okay it actually doesn't taste that bad. It goes down smooth like a light beer, with a sour aftertaste that kind of burns the back of your tongue. The taste didn't blow me away, but I'd still love to drink it out of a jug at a theme party.

Red Stripe Light

RATING: 3/5



I drank a lot of Red Stripe while traveling through Jamaica and although it pairs well with spicy food (like jerk chicken), I'm not a huge fan of drinking it all by itself. It's just a little too sweet. Red Stripe Light gains a half point because it doesn't have as sweet of a finish as the original. I like that this beer is produced on the island of Jamaica and comes in cool little stubby bottles, but I have to be honest and say that this lager is just okay.