Thursday, May 01, 2014
Donut doughnut doe nut
Mitch Hedberg was a really funny comedian. He died young but his legacy lives on. Check out the quote on the bottom of this donut receipt (found on Reddit).
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Mediocre!
I just got a digital subscription to OK! magazine. Never has a publication's title so accurately described its worth. Although I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I read the mag, I challenge anyone to find a description of John Mayer's misshapen penis in "respected" publications like the New York Times. Here's an example from last week's OK!:
Since they split in February, Katy Perry has been verbally cutting down her ex-lover John Mayer to friends. "She's letting rip on everything . . . even the size of his manhood. She says it's 'a funny shape' and like nothing she's ever seen before," spills an insider.
I have so many followup questions. What shape is John Mayer's penis? Zigzagged? Triangular? Also, just how many dongs has Katy Perry actually seen?
Since they split in February, Katy Perry has been verbally cutting down her ex-lover John Mayer to friends. "She's letting rip on everything . . . even the size of his manhood. She says it's 'a funny shape' and like nothing she's ever seen before," spills an insider.
I have so many followup questions. What shape is John Mayer's penis? Zigzagged? Triangular? Also, just how many dongs has Katy Perry actually seen?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
[same title as my post on April 8th]
Check out this ad I found in the back of my Popular Science magazine (I added the phallic red arrow). Isn't this treatment just trading one problem for another?
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Landlords are out of control!
German landlord tries to collect rent with chainsaw
Reuters (article excerpt) - April 2, 2014
BERLIN - A landlord demanding rent threatened tenants and German police with a whirring chainsaw, a police spokesman said on Wednesday.
The frightened tenants called police to the scene, and the 45-year-old man eventually dropped the chainsaw when the officers showed their guns.
Reuters (article excerpt) - April 2, 2014
BERLIN - A landlord demanding rent threatened tenants and German police with a whirring chainsaw, a police spokesman said on Wednesday.
The frightened tenants called police to the scene, and the 45-year-old man eventually dropped the chainsaw when the officers showed their guns.
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
Sunday, April 06, 2014
A duck friend would be great!
Hangin' out with my son, I've been watching this music video on the regular. It has a sweet hook and I completely agree with the message.
Thursday, April 03, 2014
Over 12 billion served
April Fools!
Just in case you didn't figure it out, my last post was a joke. There is no way I am taking this blog down, especially after all the stunning endorsements I received (see the "comments" section of my last post).
I am not sure exactly how many people check this blog every day, but if I had to guess I would say that the number is approximately 12,334,843,229. That means that I fooled over TWELVE BILLION PEOPLE on April Fools Day this year! That has got to be some kind of record.
Just in case you didn't figure it out, my last post was a joke. There is no way I am taking this blog down, especially after all the stunning endorsements I received (see the "comments" section of my last post).
I am not sure exactly how many people check this blog every day, but if I had to guess I would say that the number is approximately 12,334,843,229. That means that I fooled over TWELVE BILLION PEOPLE on April Fools Day this year! That has got to be some kind of record.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
This is the end
Inspired by the creator of Flappy Bird, I have decided to permanently delete this blog from the internet. I can call More Rants than Raves is a success of mine. But it also ruins my simple life. So now I hate it. I am sorry More Rants than Raves users, 22 hours from now, I will take More Rants than Raves down. I cannot take this anymore.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Hollywood is disgusting
Well it looks like celebrity hobo James Franco was able to beg enough money off the general public to fund his movie Palo Alto. At least the film is helping some young upstarts break into the movie biz.
Palo Alto was directed by Gia Coppola (Francis Ford Coppola's granddaughter), and stars Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts's niece), Christian Madsen (Michael Madsen's son), and Jack Kilmer (Val Kilmer's son).
Palo Alto was directed by Gia Coppola (Francis Ford Coppola's granddaughter), and stars Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts's niece), Christian Madsen (Michael Madsen's son), and Jack Kilmer (Val Kilmer's son).
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Sunday, March 09, 2014
You heard it here first
Catherine Heigl is a poor man's Charlize Theron.
Zac Efron is a poor man's Jared Leto.
I know it's harsh, but you know it's true.
Zac Efron is a poor man's Jared Leto.
I know it's harsh, but you know it's true.
Saturday, March 08, 2014
Ah to be two again. . . .
Yesterday I rewarded my son with a cookie for taking an afternoon nap. That dude is livn' the high life.
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Call me Crazy Overlord
I just read that Donald Glover (of Community fame) got his rap moniker "Childish Gambino" by typing his real name into something called the Wu-Tang Name Generator. Go check it out and see what your rap name would be. From this day forward I will be known as "Crazy Overlord."
P.S. I tweeted Donald Glover telling him to title his next album "Mad Lover" because it is the name that the generator creates when you enter "Childish Gambino." Let's see if he takes my advice.
P.S. I tweeted Donald Glover telling him to title his next album "Mad Lover" because it is the name that the generator creates when you enter "Childish Gambino." Let's see if he takes my advice.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
What the . . .?
I was subbing at a middle school yesterday and noticed some very disturbing class projects hanging on the wall.
At first I was alarmed. Was this some kind of Aryan sleeper cell? Then I realized that there weren’t any white kids in the class. After thinking about it for a while I realized that the 7th grade girl who created the project pictured above must have just wanted to decorate her assignment to make it “cute” (party=balloons, right?). Either way the whole thing is pretty disturbing.
At first I was alarmed. Was this some kind of Aryan sleeper cell? Then I realized that there weren’t any white kids in the class. After thinking about it for a while I realized that the 7th grade girl who created the project pictured above must have just wanted to decorate her assignment to make it “cute” (party=balloons, right?). Either way the whole thing is pretty disturbing.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Baller!
Man’s attempt to pay Applebee’s check with $1 trillion bill doesn’t work
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - February 24, 2014
On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined. As The State writes, it’s what he did next that got him into trouble.
Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill. WIS Channel 10 reports that police were called to the scene, but that they didn’t arrest him for the fake currency. Rather, our would-be trillionaire friend was arrested on an, “unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court.” He was sentenced to probation and owes the court $262 in fees.
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - February 24, 2014
On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined. As The State writes, it’s what he did next that got him into trouble.
Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill. WIS Channel 10 reports that police were called to the scene, but that they didn’t arrest him for the fake currency. Rather, our would-be trillionaire friend was arrested on an, “unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court.” He was sentenced to probation and owes the court $262 in fees.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Hungarian hobo hero
Homeless man wins $2.8 million on lottery and vows to help addicts and abused women
Metro UK - February 16, 2014
László Andraschek won Hungary’s biggest ever lottery jackpot – 630million Hungarian forint – after buying a ticket at a railway station on his way to Budapest for a workshop for recovering alcoholics.
‘I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,’ he said. ‘I told her to make it 24 – it doesn’t matter anyway.’
The first thing married Mr Andraschek did after realising his life had changed forever was to repay debts to his family – and buy a car for his three children.
‘When the car salesman asked me how much I would be willing to spend I held up three fingers,’ the 55-year-old, from Győr, north-west Hungary, said.
‘As I had arrived on a bike he assumed this meant 300,000 forints, but actually I meant 3million.’
He and his wife Anikó said they would spend the money wisely.
‘I have become rich but I have not become a different person,’ he said.
A large portion of the cash will be used to set up a foundation for addicts and women abused by their husbands.
Mr Andraschek has already proven his generosity as the win last September remained a secret until he made a sizeable donation to a hostel for the homeless this month.
The 55-year-old gave up drinking five years ago and insists he now has ‘no need to return’.
Metro UK - February 16, 2014
László Andraschek won Hungary’s biggest ever lottery jackpot – 630million Hungarian forint – after buying a ticket at a railway station on his way to Budapest for a workshop for recovering alcoholics.
‘I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,’ he said. ‘I told her to make it 24 – it doesn’t matter anyway.’
The first thing married Mr Andraschek did after realising his life had changed forever was to repay debts to his family – and buy a car for his three children.
‘When the car salesman asked me how much I would be willing to spend I held up three fingers,’ the 55-year-old, from Győr, north-west Hungary, said.
‘As I had arrived on a bike he assumed this meant 300,000 forints, but actually I meant 3million.’
He and his wife Anikó said they would spend the money wisely.
‘I have become rich but I have not become a different person,’ he said.
A large portion of the cash will be used to set up a foundation for addicts and women abused by their husbands.
Mr Andraschek has already proven his generosity as the win last September remained a secret until he made a sizeable donation to a hostel for the homeless this month.
The 55-year-old gave up drinking five years ago and insists he now has ‘no need to return’.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Mad skillz (with a "z" and everything!)
I realize that the image below is a blown-out pixelated mess. I also realize that unless you play Call of Duty: Ghosts multiplayer, you probably won't care about this scorecard. That being said, a 32/3 kill to death ratio is just too awesome not to blog about. Pigbutt McGee for the win!
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