Monday, May 30, 2016

Go Rambo!

Florida Woman Fights to Keep Her Pet Alligator Who Wears Clothes and 'Rides' ATVs
ABC News (article excerpt) - March 17, 2016

Meet Rambo, a gentle alligator whose Florida owner says he "eats at the dinner table, sleeps in my bed and follows me around like my dogs."


Thorn told ABC News today that she's had a permit to keep the 15-year-old alligator ever since she rescued and brought him home more than seven years ago, when Rambo was just a little over a foot long.


However, the gator has since grown to be over 6 feet long, and a recently added condition for a permit says that gators over 6 feet need to be kept on a property with at least 2.5 acres of land, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife (FWC) spokesman Gary Morse.


Meanwhile, Thorn still has Rambo and is rallying community support for the gator she calls her "second son."


She explained that Rambo is a local celebrity and has been the star of small shows Thorn has put on for a few charities and organizations in her area.


"He is not a normal gator," Thorn said. "He doesn't bite. When I first got him, I trained him to keep [his snout] tight shut whenever people are around, especially children."


The self-proclaimed "gator momma" said she doesn't believe in taking wild alligators from their natural habitat, but because Rambo had come to her under unique conditions, he needs to stay domesticated.


"He's too weak, and if he's put out in the wild or in a place with other gators, they'll kill him," she said. "He's also scared of outdoor noises, and he's just used to being home with me. This is where he's been his whole life and he's attached to me."


Thorn added that Rambo plays with her other dogs at home, goes to the fridge when he's hungry and even watches TV with her on the couch.












Saturday, May 21, 2016

Li.st #5

Friday, May 20, 2016

Li.st #3

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Li.st #2

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Li.st #1

Saturday, May 14, 2016

li.st

I just got the li.st app and I'm really enjoying it. I've only been creating lists for about a week and I'm happy to say that almost 50% of them have "trended" and been featured on the li.st website!

My handle is RyanDangerSims, if you'd like to follow me in the app.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Devilish Instagrams

Satan drives a very practical car. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on



Let's see, I'm supposed to tighten the harness and . . . OH MY GOD THAT KID IS GOING TO KILL ME! #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on

Friday, April 22, 2016

The definitive answer to a philosophical question

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Yes. The tree makes a sound. It's called science, bro. Also, what kind of egomaniac decides that a falling tree doesn't make a sound unless they're around to hear it?!

Happy Earth Day!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Something crazy is going on in the world of children's books

One of the books I read with my kids is Animals in the Jungle (written by Charles Reasoner and illustrated by Sarah Pitt). At the risk of getting sued for copyright infringement I'm going to post the text from this book in its entirety.

**Warning: major spoilers ahead!**
"Lion, monkey, elephant, parrots, toucan, gorilla, giraffe, snake, crocodile, lion."

How is this Charles dude getting credit as a writer?! I imagine the conversation between the publisher and the illustrator as going something like this:

PUBLISHER: "We love your illustrations for the new book, Sarah!"
SARAH: "Thanks. Have you decided on an author yet?"
PUBLISHER: "Um . . . we were thinking you could just write the names of the animals beneath the pictures?"
SARAH: (sobbing) "I'M ILLITERATE!"



Thursday, April 14, 2016

Time flies when you're having fun!

I just realized that my wife and I have been together for longer than we lived before becoming a couple! I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog, but I want to say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her very much!

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

A man and his dog

A guy named Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) recently went on a Twitter rant about his experience while playing the video game Skyrim. I converted his tweets into paragraph form, using ellipses between the tweets to make it easier to read.

worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious

so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog

so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children

and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND

and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker

anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun

and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT

in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool

so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.

although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died

and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU

Friday, April 01, 2016

Which Kardashian are you?

I found a site that automatically calculates which Kardashian you most resemble (based on recent browsing history).

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Shoppin' Instagrams

Ran a red light and followed this truck for two miles to get this photo. Totally worth it. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on



Buying this at the grocery store. Pretty sure the checker thinks I'm going to murder someone. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on

Monday, March 14, 2016

Best of the worst

I recently visited Austin for the first time and it was a lot of fun. I met Jack Black (he was nice). I also went to a movie at an Alamo Draft House. There were lots of crazy posters on the wall of the theatre, but this one had to be the craziest.



The poster got me thinking about my favorite best worst movies. If you haven't had the pleasure of watching Popstar (the 2005 movie featuring Aaron Carter) and Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1–12*, do yourself a favor and check them out ASAP.



*Stop after chapter 12, the rest are just absurd. Also, from what I've read R. Kelly seems like a terrible person so try to watch Trapped in the Closet without sending any money his way.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Printer ink rant

I went to the store to get a new ink cartridge the other day and was reminded how insane the prices are.



I did the math and this printer ink comes out to $60 per ounce, or $7,680 per gallon!

That's THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED times the price of gas!

For the price of one ounce of printer ink you could buy a four ounce bar of silver!

If you filled up five gallon-sized milk containers with printer ink, you could trade them for a brand new Mercedes-Benz C-Class Sedan!

What is going on here?! Unless the ink is being made with bald eagle blood, I'm pretty sure we're all getting scammed.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

More vibey

A woman on Imugr named Lindsay Stamhuis texts her husband all the crazy things he says in his sleep. Here are a few of my favorites.







Friday, March 04, 2016

"Elaborate"

NY Woman caught driving with elaborate cardboard license plate
United Press International (article excerpt) - March 3, 2016

A New York woman was unable to fool local police with her hand drawn cardboard license plate.





Erie County Sheriff's Office shared photos of the elaborate fake license plate that led an officer to pull over 28-year-old Amanda Schweickert.


"In case you are wondering, homemade cardboard license plates are NOT legal," they wrote in the Facebook post.


Schweickert was seen driving with the cardboard plate, painted to resemble a New York plate, on the back of her car and no front plate.


Officers also discovered that she was driving with a suspended license and no insurance.

Tuesday, March 01, 2016

A very versatile grave marker

Poor Gavis. He had a good run, but in the end we decided it was best to have him put down.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Nice catch, Google!