Classic goof

Words with fetus

Words with Friends has determined that my appropriate opponent level is "unborn child."

Knock nock joke

"Knock knock."

"Whose there?"

"WHO'S there."

"I don't know, it's you're dumb joke."

"It's YOUR dumb joke."

"This is two much."

Charles E. Sims

If you've been following this blog for a while, you know that my grandpa was my hero and I miss him like crazy. I could write a whole blog on the cool things he did in his lifetime, but for now I'll just share one of my favorite stories.

My grandpa was a court reporter as a young man. One day he was messing around with his sheriff buddies and they let him "test" some pepper spray, which I believe involved him spraying Mace inside of the police station and accidentally getting some on himself. His friends then wrote up a fake warrant for his arrest, "booking him" for drunk driving on the wrong side of the road in excess of 90 miles per hour.

The best part, though, is this authentic 1950s mugshot they took of my grandpa. He looks pretty badass on the left, but he couldn't hold it together for the profile.

Nothing to see here. . . .

I know everyone's probably seen this video, but I had to give it a permanent home on this blog. It's such a perfect example of what it's like to try and work from home when you have little kids.

I'm a wild lab rat

If you haven't checked out Lab in the Wild yet, you should. The site has a bunch of personality tests like those ridiculous ones on Facebook, but these tests are actually legit (created by professors from Harvard and the University of Washington).

Go see if you can beat my scores! (If you do beat me, don't tell me. Just let me have this, okay?)



My Results
(all first time)

How quickly do you learn?
MY RESULTS: 75% forecasting accuracy ("much higher than average").

What is your thinking style?
MY RESULTS: Similar to people in my country.

Are you more Eastern or Western?
MY RESULTS: Equally competent at perceiving foreground and background (highest possible accuracy on both tests).

How fast is your memory?
MY RESULTS: 99% accuracy with 590 millisecond response average (319 faster than world average of 909 millisecond response time).

Can we guess your age?
MY RESULTS: My "color age" is 14 years old (which is a good thing).

What is your color perception score?
MY RESULTS: 100% accuracy.

How good is your nutrition knowledge?
MY RESULTS: 71% correct.

Test your social intelligence!
MY RESULTS: 29 out of 36 (better than 74% of participants).

Multitasking test
MY RESULTS: I got zero mistakes. It took me 2.68 seconds to find and select each item, well below the 3.22 second average. When forced to remember more symbols at once, most people slow down by 0.21%. I got faster by 11.91%. Multitasking FTW!

What the what?

Apparently Amazon doesn't let authors review their own books.

I wrote a book!

Click the image below and buy a couple dozen today! It makes a great gift for a friend, a friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend's friend. A portion of the proceeds go to Amazon, and they could really use the money!

Are you ready for some prop bets?!

It's Super Bowl time, which means it's time for the 4 F's: Football, Food, Fbeer and Fbetting on random crap! Here are some actual prop bets for Super Bowl LI (courtesy of oddsshark.com). Favored outcomes and ties are yellow. I know it's hard to read, but I had to do this in San Diego Charger's colors since I'm never going to see them in a Super Bowl. :(



HOW MANY TIMES WILL "DEFLATE" OR "DEFLATEGATE" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
Over 1.5 -120
Under 1.5 -120

WILL ANY PLAYER BE SEEN KNEELING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
No -400
Yes +250

WHAT WILL LUKE BRYAN BE WEARING WHEN HE STARTS SINGING THE U.S. NATIONAL ANTHEM?
Blue jeans -200
Any other pants or shorts +150

WILL LUKE BRYAN FORGET OR OMIT A WORD FROM THE OFFICIAL U.S. NATIONAL ANTHEM?
No -700
Yes +400

WHICH SONG WILL LADY GAGA SING FIRST?
Song Not Listed Below +110
Born This Way +225
Bad Romance +250
Edge of Glory +600
Poker Face +1000
Just Dance +1000

WHAT COLOR WILL LADY GAGA'S HAIR BE WHEN SHE STARTS HER HALFTIME SHOW?
Blond -500
Any Other Color

WHO WILL THE SUPER BOWL MVP MENTION FIRST AFTER HE IS PRESENTED THE TROPHY?
Team/Teammates +200
God +200
Coach +900
Owner +900
Family +900
Donald Trump +2000
Does not mention any of the above +250

WHAT COLOR WILL THE LIQUID BE THAT IS POURED ON THE WINNING COACH?
Clear/Water +300
Lime/Green +300
Yellow +300
Orange +300
Red +500
Blue +750
Purple +1000

HOW MANY TIMES WILL "TRUMP" BE SAID DURING THE LIVE BROADCAST?
Over 1.5 -120
Under 1.5 -120

WILL THE WORD "LACROSSE" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
Yes -250
No +170

WILL "HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
No -400
Yes +250

A (142) word(s) of warning

I'm back! Sorry to be away for so long, but my MacBook Pro's hard drive took a dump and getting it fixed turned out to be quite an ordeal. Through the experience I learned something about Apple's policies that I feel should be shared.

When you go to an Apple store to get a new hard drive installed, Apple keeps your original hard drive even if it's out of warranty. If you want your drive back, you have to pay a fee of $150. That's one hundred fifty dollars for someone to hand your personal property back to you. On top of this, they offer no guarantee that they will destroy the drive.

If you want your drive back to try and recover your family photos, passwords and personal documents you have to pay Apple a fee. How is this not extortion?

Happy 2017!

A lot of bad stuff happened in 2016, but at least I didn't become "hooked on quack" like this ding-dong. #blessed

Taking The Elf Off The Shelf: What Santa’s Little Snitch Can Do For You

Elf on the Shelf is a popular plush toy that sits on your mantle, “watching” your kids. Children know that they need to be on their best behavior, because the elf reports directly to Santa.

Now you can utilize this powerful Orwellian tool in other aspects of your life! Here are some alternate uses for Elf on the Shelf, along with statements from satisfied customers.



Elf at the Office
“I used to steal paper by the ream, but I just can’t with that little demon watching my every move.”
–Sally, Bad Employee

Elf on the Dash
“I have five DUIs. Five. Before Elf on the Dash, nothing could stop me from getting behind the wheel while drunk. That little bastard changed all that. He is my best friend and I will not disappoint him.”
–Hank, Crazed Alcoholic

Elf on the House
“I live in a very dangerous part of town. I used to pay good money for home security, but not anymore. With that toy elf stapled to my door, I feel safer than I ever have. I took the bars off my windows and stopped locking my door. Nobody’s gonna rob me if it means they won’t be visited by Santa–that just doesn’t make sense!”
–Billbert, Not the Brightest Bulb in the Box

Elf in the Pocket
“I was cheating on my husband with literally everyone in town. One day I was getting it on in a public restroom and that little elf tumbled out of my coat pocket. When I looked into his beady little eyes, I saw something in myself that I didn’t like. Since then I’ve quit cold turkey. Cheating on my husband is one thing, but I just can’t bear the judgment from that adorable little elf.”
–Martha, Terrible Person


*This piece was published on Kipzio.com. Click here to visit the site.*

Putting Songs on Blast #10 (Holiday Edition)

SONG: (There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays
ARTIST: Perry Como
LYRIC: "From Atlantic to Pacific. Gee, the traffic is terrific!"

I'm sure that back in the Stone Age when this song was written, seeing traffic (or even a car, for that matter) was a big deal. When I hear this song on the radio in traffic now it feels like the singer is just mocking me.

SONG: A Holly Jolly Christmas
ARTIST: Burl Ives
LYRIC: "Say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet."

I'm pretty sure saying hello to "everyone I meet" includes my friends. Don't waste my time with superfluous lyrics, bozo!

SONG: Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
ARTIST: John Denver
LYRIC: All of them.

With a children's choir singing, "Please daddy don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't wanna see my mamma cry," this has got to be the most depressing holiday song ever.

I may have just saved planet Earth

Yesterday Donald Trump selected Scott Pruitt, a close ally of the fossil fuel industry and a climate change skeptic, to run the Environmental Protection Agency. Naturally, upon hearing this I immediately reached out to Leonardo DiCaprio via Twitter.

You're welcome, Earth!

Season's Greetings

The London Philharmonic Orchestra made a really beautiful holiday video card that you can send to your friends and family for free. Think of how much money you'll save by sending these out instead of buying people gifts! (If someone calls you out for being a cheap bastard, you can just tell them that they don't know the real meaning of Christmas.)

To send a card visit philharmonia.co.uk/christmas and click "Send E-Card."

Just in time for the holidays

I made a new bumper sticker for people who say their "kids have paws."

Constructing a narrative

My daughter is only two, but she's already making connections between objects in her books. For example when we turned to this page she said, "that bear is gonna eat that baby."

A man and his fence

A few months ago a guy in my neighborhood decided he would protect his yard by installing a wrought iron fence. I passed his house several times during this construction project and witnessed him go through each phase of what I'd like to call "The Five Stages of Fence Installation."

Step 1: Denial
I have to assume he bought the fence after being assured by the salesperson that it was preassembled and would be "easy to install." Instead of giving up when he realized it wasn't going well, he went all in and stuck it out until the bitter end.

Step 2: Anger
I witnessed this man hammer his fence so furiously that for a second I thought he was fending off a Graboid rising from the ground like in the movie Tremors.

Step 3: Bargaining
When I passed by a third time, he was on one knee. Some might mistake this as an act of surveying the perimeter, but I knew from my previous observations that he was simply begging the fence for mercy.

Step 4: Depression
The last time I saw this man he was standing on the sidewalk staring slack-jawed at his yard, a mournful expression on his sweat-strewn face.

Step 5: Acceptance
I don't know if this fence is insanely hard to install or if the guy just lost his effing marbles, but the fence is still standing exactly as he left it, four months after his heroic attempt.

The definitive authority on cloud shapes

Have you ever glanced up at the clouds and thought you saw a familiar shape? Well I hate to break it to you, but whatever shape you thought you saw was probably wrong. Don't worry, the QuizUp trivia app is here to tell you what's what!

Whoa, Dog. Whoa!

WHAT



HAPPENED



IN THAT MAZE?