Don't call it a blogback, I've blogged here for years

(Also blogback isn't a word.)

I'm back, baby! Ryan Danger Sims has been BUSY. Not busy enough to abbreviate my name for this post, but BUSY. Stay tuned for updates!

ABC: Always Be Contestin'

I just applied to be a contestant on the ABC show Card Sharks. Here are some answers I submitted on the form:

Are you a risk taker? Why or why not? Tell us about it - we love stories

Danger is my middle name. Really. It's my legal middle name (on my driver's license and everything). Why am I a risk taker? Well, as my grandma always used to say (and Drake copied without so much as a shout out in his rap song), you only live once (YOLO!). Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. That's another quote from my grandma. She's very wise.

I almost blew my hand off with an M-80 as a teenager. I am not exaggerating when I say I was half a second away from sporting a pirate hook for the rest of my life.

I wear white after Labor Day.

How did you hear about casting?

My wife and I were watching the show and she was like "we gotta sign up to get on there!" And I was like "that's a great idea!" So now here we are.


I mean, with enthusiasm like that, how can they not pick me?

The results are in

I just took a DNA test and while it turns out that I am not, in fact, "100% that bitch," I did find that a good number of my distant relatives were seafaring, horned-helmet and/or flannel skirt wearing badasses, which is kinda cool.

By the looks of my results it looks like I'm about 1/3 English, 1/3 German and 1/3 Celtic/Viking.

After looking into my ancestry, I am left with two major takeaways:

1. Scotland's national animal is a unicorn (this is true, look it up).

2. My warrior ancestors would be extremely proud to know that all the toil and suffering they endured has resulted in at least one of their surviving progeny devoting his life to writing comedy.

Writer inspiration

The Infinite Monkey Theorem is a proposition that an unlimited number of monkeys, given typewriters and sufficient time, will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. This derisive concept is pretty depressing to think about if you are a writer. Fortunately it turns out that it's total bullshit.

In 2003, lecturers and students with the University of Plymouth’s Institute of Digital Arts and Technology (i-DAT) got a grant to place a single computer and keyboard in the macaques enclosure at the Paignton Zoo.

After a month with the computer, the macaques had produced five pages of nonsense text, but otherwise seemed to limit their screen time to urinating and/or defecating on the computer until such time as it stopped working.

In conclusion:

🐒 + ⌨️ = 💩

click for source

I made another friend on Skype!

I keep getting messages over Skype from people trying to scam me in some way or another. I like to flip the script on them and see what happens. Here's my latest interaction. It's long, but I promise it's worth a read.

Happy Not 2020 Anymore!

As Norwegian playwright, theatre director, and person generaly recognized as the "father of realism" once (kind of) said, "A Bitmoji is worth a thousand words."

Speaking of Henrik Johan Ibsen. Check this dude out. There are at least 1,000 words that could describe his sideburns alone.

Low wattage

If you want to know what it's like being a Chargers fan, this 39 second video says it all. Click the bolt below to watch. (The audio quality is terrible so make sure to turn your sound all the way up.)

 

I tried to embed this video into my blog, but the NFL claimed copyright infringement. Which is crazy because that means that YouTube recognized this video after I recorded it in my own home by holding up my iPhone to my TV. I then edited the clip (cropped, clipped, and adjusted for perspective) and uploaded it to YouTube. Within less than a minute, it was flagged as a copy. WHAT IS HAPPENING

One (Putter)ball to rule them all

 

Ladies and gentlemen, theys and thems, allow me to introduce you to the next big backyard game craze:

It's Putterball y'all! A cross between beer pong and mini golf, Putterball is the ultimate party game. And no, I am not getting paid for this endorsement. I just want to share about it because it's super duper fun. That's right, I added a duper to my super. That's how fun this game is.

 

Putterball can be played inside, outside, at the beach, at the park, on a boat, with a goat – the sky's the limit! My friend and future Putterball pro Shawn Pavlik and I came up with some alternate rules to make the game even mo' better. Here are the ones we came up with so far. I'll add more as we go!

Blind (eyes closed)

Backwards (putt from the other side of the green)

Distraction (distract your opponent as much as possible)

Windmill (swing your club back and forth in front of your hole like the windmill in mini-golf)

Icing the Putter (once per game a player may yell "Ice!" in their opponents back swing, which cancels their opponents shot and ends their turn)

Shoulder Shot (looks like a chip shot but must be fluid movement that ends with putting)

U-Call (call your shot and if you make it you cover two holes, if you miss you take away a cover)

Petty (if you don't make it to the last section of the green your opponent can putt from one section up next time)

Double Corner (shoot from a corner behind the logo and if you make it your opponent covers two of your holes)

Billiards (get on the ground and shoot the ball with the back of your club like it's a pool cue)

Tweener (putt from between your legs, grandma shot style)

Logo Bonus (if you land your ball on the ‘PutterBall’ logo you immediately get an extra shot)

One Handed (either hand)

Upside-down Club (basically impossible)

Dizzy Spinner (place your forehead on the top of your club and spin around 3 times, then run to the green and putt your ball)

Tee Off (putt your ball from the top of two hole covers stacked on top of one another)

Reverse Putter (putt with the club facing the wrong way)

Shot Putt (place one or more shot glasses/beers in the middle of the green and if someone hits it they have to drink)

Countdown (place a nickel, dime, or quarter on the green and if a player rolls over it and makes the shot, the opponent counts out each cent the coin is worth while the player drinks)

Also remember that you can put a towel or other objects beneath the green to change the terrain in order to make it more challenging.

Have fun!

Beer to the rescue!

This article's from a couple weeks back, but the world's still on fire so I figure it's still relevant. Stock up on cheap beer people!

Man Uses Bud Light to Help Save His Home from California Wildfire: 'I Didn't Have Any Water'
People Magazine (article excerpt) - August 26, 2020

A man was able to help save his home from one of the many wildfires raging across California thanks to some quick thinking and a case of Bud Light.

Chad Little and his family were preparing to evacuate from their Vacaville residence last Wednesday when he decided to use his drink of choice as a last-ditch attempt to stop the LNU Lightning Complex Fire from destroying his property, KCRA reported.

Little — who had lost his home in an attic fire five years ago and is in the process of rebuilding it again — told the outlet he initially tried using water from a hose, but realized that his utilities had been shut off when the surrounding flames quickly approached his workshop.

“I didn’t have any water,” he recalled. “I had one barrel with a little bit of water in it and I tried using that, but it didn’t work."

That's when Little said he reached for the only other liquid he had left: a 30-pack of Bud Light.

Using a nail he had found to puncture the cans, Little said he began "shaking it up, popping it and spraying them, throwing them down and grabbing another one" to help dose the fire. 

Eventually, firefighters arrived on scene and [were] able to put out the blaze.

The Great TikTok Pub Quiz #2!

If you liked the first one, you're gonna' love the sequel! It's a another big download (353 MB), but it's worth every bit of those bytes. Again, all you need to do is familiarize yourself with the presentation and have everyone who's playing print a copy of the answer sheet to play along.

Click the image below to download the PowerPoint deck!


I shouldn't have to say this, but it's 2020 and the president is trying to ban TikTok so here goes: rest assured that all TikTok videos in this PowerPoint were downloaded to my secure MacBook before independently being incorporated into the game with no links back to TikTok. This download will not compromise your personal data or privacy in any way.

The Great TikTok Pub Quiz!

I created an interactive pub quiz game to play over Zoom! Trust me when I say it is awesome. It's a big PowerPoint file (282 MB), but it is all self contained and ready to go. All you need to do is familiarize yourself with the presentation and have everyone who's playing print a copy of the answer sheet to play along.

Click the image below to download the PowerPoint deck!

I shouldn't have to say this, but it's 2020 and the president is trying to ban TikTok so here goes: rest assured that all TikTok videos in this PowerPoint were downloaded to my secure MacBook before independently being incorporated into the game with no links back to TikTok. This download will not compromise your personal data or privacy in any way.

Making friends

I made a new friend on Skype!

I believe I have my stapler

That moment when you realize that one of your favorite video game franchises (Just Cause) is referencing your all-time favorite movie (Office Space):


(Click the above image to enlarge.)

Speaking of Office Space, look what I found (and immediately purchased) on Amazon last week! I can't believe they are actually selling this cross promotion. I thought I had gotten the right one last year at my former job, but this one's the real deal.

Visualize this video

I found this video both informative and comforting. Hope it helps.

Take care

I found this video both informative and comforting. Hope it helps.

SSSSC Recipe

While we're all "hunkering down" I thought I'd share a cookie recipe that requires only a few basic ingredients which most people already have in their house. I present the Sims' Secret Sesame Street Cookie recipe! My mom found it in a children's book printed in 1978, and it may be the best sugar cookie recipe of all time. They bake best when rolled out with a rolling pin and then baked at 375˚ for 7 minutes. Click the image to download a pdf copy of the recipe. Take care of yourself everyone!

Donkey toes

The Spades Plus drama continues as one of my in-game friends has been banned in the chatroom and must now communicate through in-game messaging.

1,000 posts to see before you die

This is post 1,000 for More Rants than Raves!

To celebrate, I'm posting a photo of a thousand dollar bill. These bills were once in circulation in the US. When I was little I actually held one in my hands (and promptly gave it back because I was a kid and couldn't afford that shit).



Thank you readers for participating in this labor of love. Each of you is a special rainbow flower who deserves the best that life can offer.

Ballin' out of control

Although I am not a basketball fan, I am not not a fan of basketball. What I mean is that while I don't follow the sport, I do enjoy watching the occasional game (unless it's my son playing–then I'm just on my phone). Just kidding people settle down! This preamble is just a convoluted way to introduce a couple of awesome dunks by Aaron Gordon from yesterday's 2020 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Enjoy.





And here's one from a few years back that is just insane.

At least we have Spades

I have been playing Spades Plus again on my iPhone and it’s just as fun/horrible as I remember. I enjoy the game, but the app is kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to interacting with other people.

In the game you can give other players virtual “drinks” as a nice gesture. The other day I (under the username Pigbutt McGee) bought a guy a "beer." Rather than thanking me (or just not replying at all), he asked for a Sprite.

Now, I understand that there are recovering alcoholics out there who may not like an image of a beer on their screen. But there are a few important things to point out here. First off, Sprite is not even an option available in the game. Secondly, he could have easily replaced the "beer" himself with an icon of a water bottle or coffee. And lastly, and I can't stress this enough, the beer is not real.

So I came back with this reply:

Then I felt a little bad for being so sarcastic in case he had a real drinking problem, so I decided to play along.

And then, things got weird.

At this point I decided to lean in to his delusion, so he doesn't track me down and try to murder me.

Fun times!