Thursday, January 29, 2009

I'm moving to Peru

Peru's top court says drunk workers can't be fired
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 15, 2009

Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.

Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Top 5 types of doughnuts (+ worst ever)

1. Strawberry Frosted
2. Glazed Old Fashioned
3. Glazed Jelly Filled
4. Glazed Twist Bar
5. Chocolate Frosted Bar

Worst: Anything with coconut shavings on top

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Free rice

Check this out! A (performance adaptive) vocabulary quiz that donates rice to the UN World Food Program every time you get a correct answer.

Friday, January 23, 2009

My “master teacher” is a fascist

As a part of my teaching credential program I am assigned to a “master teacher” who is supposed coach me in the art of teaching. I attend this person’s elementary school class every day for 10 weeks to observe and eventually teach. Unfortunately, I have been charged to study under a horrible devil-woman that runs her kindergarten class like a concentration camp.

The children in the classroom are forced to spend the majority of their day sitting on the floor inside of taped off 18” x 18” squares. They are told to face forward with their legs crossed, hands in their laps. They are not supposed to talk or giggle and under no circumstances are they ever to make any type of physical contact with the students sitting in adjacent squares.

Unfortunately since the squares are barely large enough to contain their bodies, boundaries are often crossed. When this happens the teacher scolds the children by saying, “Oh my guh-nessss” (with a hissing sound at the end, like an evil snake-beast). She then takes away their recess.

It’s no wonder she hides the scissors – the suicide rate in her class would be off the charts.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The "Cruzin Cooler"

Check this out. For $399 you can get a cooler/electric scooter hybrid that goes up to 13 miles per hour. The best part is the "drink lid access" which allows you to reach in and grab a beer while driving the scooter. Brilliant! I know that I would look like a complete idiot riding on the thing, but I still want one.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Scottish joke

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep. . . ."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A great quote

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway

Friday, January 16, 2009

Email forward rant

While I am against all forms of email forwards there are a few types in particular that really get my goat.

1. Feelgood Forwards - Check out these photos of cute, cuddly kittens and enjoy some inspirational quotes. Now, send this to 20 people or you will die a horrible death.

2. Opinion Forwards - Looking for a quick way to destroy a perfectly good relationship? Simply send the person a forward expressing your political views and/or religious ideology. If this doesn't work you can always try sending along some sexist or racist jokes.

3. Mean Forwards - Listen up people because I'm only gonna say this once: It is not cool to make fun of people that are overweight. It wasn't funny in second grade and it isn't funny now, so stop circulating photos of large people in small swimsuits. I am pretty sure that these people get enough shit in their everyday lives and don't need to be mocked via email.

4. Friendly Forwards - The best way to tell someone that you value their friendship is to send them a long, rambling story about an inspiring teacher or a dying child's last wish. Especially if it is written by someone you never met and you suspect it to be fictitious. It also should be noted that sending these forwards does not count as "keeping in touch."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tiny meth heads

I started my student teaching assignment this week in a Kindergarten class. After observing the six-year-olds in action I have come to a disturbing conclusion: Kindergartners are like tiny meth heads. Think about it. They're filthy, they're missing teeth, they have an overwhelming amount of energy and you can't understand half of what they say.

Yesterday my master teacher had to ask a kid to stop staring at the sun. Later that day the same kid took a break from chewing a chunk of carpet long enough to declare to the class that he could "run fast, like a dinosaur cheetah." Tell me he doesn't sound strung out.

Still not convinced? Consider a conversation I overheard today between two students. Let's call them Billy and Matt.

Billy: "My dad is taller than your dad."
Matt: "No he's not. My dad is gigantic."
Billy: "Oh yeah? Well, my dad is a monster. He can turn into a shark and go after your dad."
Matt: "My dad has a gun and can shoot your dad and kill him."

I rest my case.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Caption contest

Police seek blow-up doll sex bandit
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 7, 2009

An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.

"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.

"He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.

Okay ladies and gentlemen. It is time for More Rants than Raves' first caption contest! Here's how it works. I post a crazy news article and/or photo on this blog. Then, readers like you submit a caption (or captions) describing the article/photo. Go ahead and submit your caption now by clicking on the "comments" link below!

Friday, January 09, 2009

Techno wizardry

Feast your eyes on the worst/best music video ever made. Don't watch it too many times or you will become hypnotized and actually start to love the song. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

The first annual Douche Bag Awards

The following post was composed by guest writer, Mrs. Sims.

The dictionary defines the term “douche bag” as: 1). A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons; 2). A jerk; a mean or rude person; an idiot or dim-witted individual; a person who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, and behaves ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.

The world seems so full of douche bags these days that it is difficult to determine which of them deserve formal recognition. However, with the help of Mr. Sims, I have made the necessary critical decisions. It is time now to look back on 2008 and acknowledge each of these "men" with a Douche Bag Award, otherwise known as a “Mateo.”

Though the Mateos are not as prestigious as, say, the Oscars, I feel that the award communicates something even more important about its recipients. The following is a list of our picks for top five douche bags of 2008.

5. The Donald

Trump is what I like to call an old school douche bag. He was being a dick and gold plating his toilet seats before most of you reading this blog were even born. Trump causes women to become bulimic just by looking at them.

4. Jeff Probst

Not only is he condescending and insanely conceited, Probst also has a very limited vocabulary. For the past eight years of “Survivor,” Probst has introduced immunity challenges using the exact same phrasing: “Immunity: back up for grabs.” I have willed him to say something, anything, else but he will not use synonyms or any expression other than “up for grabs.” Probst is more interested in showcasing his own dimples, of which he is extremely fond, than in being a good TV host.

3. Joe Francis

Need I explain? This is the genius behind “Girls Gone Wild,” which, I believe, will always be remembered as the video series that marked the beginning of the apocalypse. Not only is this guy wrong on so many levels but, to top it off, he also dated the devil, or as she is more commonly known, Paris Hilton.

2. Jayden Smith

This kid is as spoiled as rotten milk. I’m not sure if Will Smith actually believes that arrogance is a virtue, but he sure seems to be proud that his son is growing up to be the most self-important, affected kid in Hollywood. Oh but wait, have you seen how talented young Jayden is? Oh my! And he doesn’t even have any technical training. Yeah, I’m sure he really earned a leading film role in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and his parentage has nothing to do with it. If Jada and Will were more concerned with the fact that their son now believes that the word happiness is spelled with a “y” and less focused on cultivating an ego that is too large for Jayden’s small body, the world would be a better place.

1. Spencer Pratt

If this “The Hills” actor(?) has a soul, it is as pale and unclean as the facial skirt he calls a beard. Spencer’s vicious idiocy is painful to watch. What kind of person marries his girlfriend, whom he also manages, as a publicity stunt? MTV must be proud to have a true diva back on the airwaves, but if this catty bitch doesn’t get knocked down to size soon, God help us all.

Honorable Mention: Summer’s Eve

I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Mario Lopez on this list? While AC Slater is a moderate douche bag, he technically falls under the category of “tool” or “grade A beefcake,” which earns him an entirely different award.


Special Category DBs
The following douche bags have been awarded category-specific acknowledgment.

Super Sleazy DB: Pat O’Brien
Likable DB: Dane Cook
“Musician” DB: Kid Rock
Roided Out DB: Carrot Top
Cheating DB: Charlie Sheen
On the Verge of being a DB DB: William Shatner

Feel free to add your own nominations as a comment. All douche bag nominees will be considered for the Douche Bag Lifetime Achievement Award.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Are you a racist?

In one of my classes last year I was given a test to determine weather or not I was a racist. This might seem odd, but that's just because you don't know my crazy-ass teacher. Anyway, out of the 30 people in my class I was one of only two students that "passed" (that is to say my results showed that I do not have any racial bias). The problem is that the rest of the class failed.

Needless to say, everyone freaked out and the class dissolved into chaos as each person attempted to explain the test's flaws and inaccuracies. The best excuse came from my teacher (who's results stated that she was moderately racist). She said that the test was biased because she is left-handed. In her defense, the test was designed by scientists from only four major universities (including Harvard and Yale) and is funded by the so-called "National Institute of Mental Health." Everyone knows that those organizations are dubious and biased against lefties.

If you would like to take the test for yourself simply click the link below. When you are routed to a new page click the link that says "I wish to proceed" (at the bottom right). Finally, click on the test entitled "Race IAT*" and get ready to start making excuses.

*The site offers a bunch of other interesting tests as well.