Thursday, February 27, 2014

What the . . .?

I was subbing at a middle school yesterday and noticed some very disturbing class projects hanging on the wall.

At first I was alarmed. Was this some kind of Aryan sleeper cell? Then I realized that there weren’t any white kids in the class. After thinking about it for a while I realized that the 7th grade girl who created the project pictured above must have just wanted to decorate her assignment to make it “cute” (party=balloons, right?). Either way the whole thing is pretty disturbing.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014


Man’s attempt to pay Applebee’s check with $1 trillion bill doesn’t work
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - February 24, 2014

On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined. As The State writes, it’s what he did next that got him into trouble.

Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill. WIS Channel 10 reports that police were called to the scene, but that they didn’t arrest him for the fake currency. Rather, our would-be trillionaire friend was arrested on an, “unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court.” He was sentenced to probation and owes the court $262 in fees.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Hungarian hobo hero

Homeless man wins $2.8 million on lottery and vows to help addicts and abused women
Metro UK - February 16, 2014

László Andraschek won Hungary’s biggest ever lottery jackpot – 630million Hungarian forint – after buying a ticket at a railway station on his way to Budapest for a workshop for recovering alcoholics.

‘I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,’ he said. ‘I told her to make it 24 – it doesn’t matter anyway.’

The first thing married Mr Andraschek did after realising his life had changed forever was to repay debts to his family – and buy a car for his three children.

‘When the car salesman asked me how much I would be willing to spend I held up three fingers,’ the 55-year-old, from Győr, north-west Hungary, said.

‘As I had arrived on a bike he assumed this meant 300,000 forints, but actually I meant 3million.’

He and his wife Anikó said they would spend the money wisely.

‘I have become rich but I have not become a different person,’ he said.

A large portion of the cash will be used to set up a foundation for addicts and women abused by their husbands.

Mr Andraschek has already proven his generosity as the win last September remained a secret until he made a sizeable donation to a hostel for the homeless this month.

The 55-year-old gave up drinking five years ago and insists he now has ‘no need to return’.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Mad skillz (with a "z" and everything!)

I realize that the image below is a blown-out pixelated mess. I also realize that unless you play Call of Duty: Ghosts multiplayer, you probably won't care about this scorecard. That being said, a 32/3 kill to death ratio is just too awesome not to blog about. Pigbutt McGee for the win!

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Movin' right along

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Nut jobs

It seems like every time I leave my house I run into at least one certified nut job. Here are two recent examples (with some super clever titles that I came up with).

Lighten up
I met a lady while in line for free chocolate chip pancakes who was really upset about balloons. She recalled a trip that she took fifteen years ago with her son to Disneyland. Apparently her son begged her for a balloon and she gave in - a decision that she regrets to this day. She claims to have memories of that "damn balloon" floating around her house for weeks afterward. Weeks. This statement obviously left me questioning her understanding of the physical sciences, but I didn't dare say anything for fear of extending the conversation.

The lady then launched into a rant about an impending helium shortage, which she blames on all the "stupid kid's balloons." She concluded her argument by saying that no child should ever be allowed to have a balloon, and that all balloons should be illegal.

The other b word
I was playing at the park with my son when some kids approached us and wanted to play. We invited them to join and continued making pretend food with sand and leaves. In a moment of inspiration I tore up some pieces of cardboard from my coffee sleeve and pretended it was bacon. The kids asked if they could have some, and I happily complied (reminding them not to actually eat it).

A few minutes later the mother of one of the boys we were playing with approached me. She was clearly agitated and wanted to know who gave her son the "bacon." She said that they were vegan, and that up until now her son didn't even know the word "bacon." I told her not to worry because technically cardboard is vegan. She was not amused.

Thursday, February 13, 2014


Since I'm getting a new Kindle, I've decided to clean house and get rid of a bunch of my old apps. All of these games were great, but my high scores got erased and I'm not going to play them again. If you want to know the name of any app, post a comment describing the icon and I'll respond with the title.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Worth a thousand words

I just got a new Kindle Fire HDX 7" (64 GB) and I am super excited! My wife got me a 1st gen Fire for my birthday a couple years ago and I have used it every day since. I'm usually a diehard Apple fan but Amazon has won me over with their awesome device and outstanding customer service. (I am not getting paid to advertise for Amazon, I just really like the product!)

This morning I was browsing the daily book deals to stock up on content for my new Kindle and I stumbled across a rare gem. The book is entitled STEAMPUNK BOY AND THE FUTURE FLUX DEVICE, by June Colbert. If the story is anywhere near as awesome as the cover it will be an instant classic. Here is the actual book cover as seen on Amazon:

I love the plastic pipe curtain rod in the background. When I was looking up information for this post I came across another book by the same author which also looks interesting. It is entitled, FANGFACE: THE WHEELCHAIR WEREWOLF. You can't make this stuff up.

Sunday, February 09, 2014

I told the truth!

After posting the bacon commercial I got to thinking about other awesome TV ads from my childhood. This is one of the best.

I hope that in the future some kid breaks my window with a ball so we can engage in an awesome operatic sing-off like this.

Friday, February 07, 2014

Fun fact #234,743

I heard a radio interview with Steve Harvey this morning in which he revealed that he calls his penis, "Russell the Love Muscle."

You're welcome, readers.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

Where everyone knows everyone else’s name

I've always wanted the small town experience of walking into a place and having the proprietors know me. I have tried to establish a friendly rapport with store owners in the past, but it never seems to stick. Lately I have been having the opposite experience.

When I visit my local Starbucks it seems like the baristas know everyone’s name but mine. “Hey Matthew! How’s the wife and kids!? You want your usual triple shot soy mocha with two pumps and no whip, right?” Then I arrive at the counter and they’re like, “who the F*CK are you?!”

Okay that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. . . .

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

Thanks Wells Fargo!

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Super Bowl Ex El Vee Eye Eye Eye

Do you love watching football, but hate the Superbowl? The ABC Family Channel has you covered. For some inexplicable reason the programming geniuses at ABC decided to run the movie We Are Marshall at the same time as Super Bowl XLVIII.

I know that it's tough to compete with one of the most watched television events in the world, but these guys aren't even trying. They must be hedging their bets on people too drunk to realize that the game is on another channel.