Friday, August 29, 2014

Joel McHale recorded my outgoing voicemail

I finally got around to posting the outgoing message that Joel McHale recorded on my cell. I had to take it off my phone because apparently it's considered "unprofessional" when your boss calls and gets a message wherein a celebrity refers to you as a "douchebag."

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

S in a bag

I was going through an old box of books from my childhood and I have to admit that I was kind of impressed. There were a lot of classics, mixed with some cool science and reference books. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I opened one of the books up.

Check out the "art" I added to the text. Is that a turd with a cherry on top?!

Monday, August 25, 2014

Someone can't "let it go"

Frozen Free Fall is a match-3 puzzle game themed around the movie Frozen. While you play, various characters from the movie look out at you from the top of the screen, reacting to the moves that you make. The most dynamic character is Anna. At first she is so encouraging and sweet, looking out at you with her big Disney eyes as if to say, "you're doing so well! Is there anything you can't do? BTW, I think I'm in love with you."

Then you lose. At this point Anna's expression turns to one of disgrace and shame. It's as if she's saying, "I guess I was wrong about you. I thought you were man enough to do this, but now I see that you're just a sad little turd."

P.S. Please excuse the shaky, Cloverfield-style videography. I barely had time to record the video, let alone set up a freaking tripod and shit.

Friday, August 22, 2014


378 people 'pay it forward' at Fla. Starbucks
Associated Press - August 21, 2014

A woman started an act of kindness chain that lasted for hours at a Starbucks drive-thru in Florida.

She ordered an iced coffee around 7 a.m. Wednesday in St. Petersburg and asked to pay for the caramel macchiato for the stranger in the car behind her. He returned the favor. The chain kept going as employees began keeping count.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the chain finally ended around 6 p.m. when customer number 379 pulled up and ordered a regular coffee. Barista Vu Nguyen leaned out the window and explained the chain that started earlier in the day, asking if she'd like to participate. She declined, saying she only wanted to pay for her coffee.

Nguyen says he doesn't believe she understood the concept of paying it forward.

. . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .

My first reaction to this article was, “wow that is so cool!”

My second reaction was, “man that #379 person was a dick.”

My third reaction was, “wait, so everybody paid for the drink(s) for the car behind them? What if you ordered a regular coffee and the van behind you was picking up 12 lattes for their co-workers? You're just supposed to give in to peer pressure and fork over $50?! Screw that, I'm with you #379!"

My fourth reaction was, “what part did Haley Joel Osment play in all of this? I bet this is all his fault."

My fifth reaction was, "I can’t believe I’ve blogged about HJO twice on this blog." That's right, I'm calling him HJO now. If I'm going to be blogging about him on the regular I figure I'd better shorten his name.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Spoiler alert: they escape

I just watched Escape Plan and it was better than I thought it would be, which you can take to mean:

A. I thought it was going to be terrible and it turned out to be okay.
B. I thought it was going to be great and it was even better than I expected.
C. The statement "better than I thought it would be" is as useless as Schwarzenegger taking an acting class, which you can take to mean:

A. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is the best actor ever.
B. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is a terrible actor and will never get better.
C. Can you just give me the answers? I am really bad at tests.

The movie takes place in "the most secure prison ever built," and I have to say that the facility is very impressive - even the toothpaste is maximum security! Plaque has nowhere to run to.

An interesting side note is that the inmates are apparently allowed a shaving razor. I am assuming that the razor doesn't have a blade and that the hair removal takes place via friction (after a few hours of intense rubbing).

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Cheat sheet

There are certain facts that I feel I should know, but I can never remember. Here are a few:

What is the approximate population of the United States?
There are about 318 million people living in the US.

I know penguins and polar bears don't live in the same location, but which ones live where?
Penguins live in the southern hemisphere and polar bears live in the northern hemisphere (except for in zoos and Coke commercials, of course).

How many countries are there in the world?
The answer is up for debate, but by most accounts there are 196 countries in the world.

Friday, August 15, 2014

You do the math

A recent survey found that 65% of Americans still believe the theory that people only use 10% of their brains, even though the theory is 100% false.

Note: The 10% brain theory does apply to many celebrities.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Don't say he didn't warn ya

Massachusetts man tells police that only guns at possible crime scene are his biceps
United Press International (article excerpt) - July 30, 2014

Some Massachusetts police officers bought themselves "tickets to the gun show" when they arrived at a Northampton home to check out a call about a firearm on the premises.

When a man came to the door to respond to the charge, he informed officers that the only "guns" in the house were his biceps.

The 53-year-old man then busted the guns out to flex for the officers, the Daily Hampshire Gazette reported.

Police said the man appeared intoxicated, but he was not charged with anything.

Monday, August 04, 2014

My toddler has super powers

Saturday, August 02, 2014

A random joke

A crying woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and says, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says, "Not again. . . ."

Friday, August 01, 2014

Tips for having a garage sale

We're taking part in a friend's garage sale this weekend. I consider myself something of a garage sale expert (I've been involved in at least 20) and thought I would share my sage wisdom on how to conduct a proper sale.

 When you go out to put up signs, bring a marker so you can draw arrows pointing toward your house. Don’t write the arrows beforehand or you’ll have less flexibility about where you can post the signs.

• Don’t forget to advertise on Craigslist. The site isn’t as popular as it once was but a lot of people still use it to find garage sales.

• Make sure you get lots of small bills and coins from the bank so you can give change. Also have some type of money belt or box to keep the cash in so it will be safe and confined to one area.

• Get a bunch of stickers that are different colors and assign a price to each sticker (red = $0.50, yellow = $1.00, etcetera). You don’t have to write the price on each sticker, just know how much money each color represents. Stick these on as many items as you can before the event. This saves a lot of time and stress during the garage sale because you won’t have to answer as many pricing questions about small items (giving you time to negotiate with people on the large sale items).

• Set up as many tables as you can. Your stuff will look a lot better displayed on a table than it will spread out on a lawn or a curb.

• Have as much set up in advance as you can. The most serious garage sale customers come very early and will be loitering around. You want to be able to interact with them and not ignore them while frantically setting out your stuff.

One final note. If you aren't sure whether or not you want to sell something do not put it out on the lawn. You may get caught up in the moment and sell the item only to regret it later. If you decide at a later date that you really don't want the item, don't worry. You can always have another garage sale!