Thursday, October 12, 2017

Behind the hard candy shell

Can we talk about that Eminem diss video? And by "talk" I mean I rant and you read?

Everyone's focusing on Eminem's political message, but I have a couple other things I'd like to bring up.

1. Did he go to mime school? This is not an insult, his skills are genuinely impressive. Check the 3:00 mark where he gives a nod to the classic "trying to escape a glass box" routine!

2. Where did all those guys in the background come from? Is there like a "tough dudes who lean on cars" Meetup group? What's the interview process like? How are the retirement benefits?

Saturday, October 07, 2017

Just a lonely, lonely hen

Friday, October 06, 2017

Getting ready for Halloween

I found a great Trump costume, just in time for Halloween. Click here to check it out!

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

No respect

This is the baby scale at my children's pediatrician's office:



This is a closeup of the sticker on the side of the scale:



The only explanation I can come up with is that the person who designed this sticker had never seen a baby before and, being a huge fan of Rodney Dangerfield, decided to draw an approximation of what Rodney would look like as a miniature person. If this was the goal, mission accomplished.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

So meaty

I just got an email about an "180 year old steak recipe."



Rather than reading the article, I drew up a composite of what I imagine the recipe looks like.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Top 5 toys from my childhood that my kids and I play with now

1. Legos
2. Hot Wheels
3. Play-Doh
4. Oobleck (cornstarch and water)
5. Lite-Brite

Worst: Mainway Inc. Bag O'Glass

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Mother Earth Brewing Company Say When IPA

RATING: 4/5



These flavor notes are getting regoddamndiculous. The label on this beer says it tastes like "gooseberry pie, passionfruit, meringue, and tea leaf" leaving me to ask: what in holy hell is gooseberry pie? I can envision a group of hipster "connoisseurs" sitting around a distressed rustic Pottery Barn table, nodding enthusiastically as Brent spits beer into a pail and exclaims, "It's like drinking my grandma's gooseberry pie!"

I like this beer despite the ridiculousness on the label. It's a bit more tart than the current West Coast IPA style, but goes down smooth. The next time I'm invited to a hipster picnic, I'll definitely bring some along.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Full Sail Bourbon Barrel Aged Wheatwine Ale

RATING: 4/5



To be honest, I had never heard of wheatwine before this beer. I found it to be similar to barleywine, but with less of the offensive malty sweetness. This beer is only for the unfaint? of heart. At 12% ABV, it will put hair on your chest (don't worry, your breath will burn the hair right back off). This wheatwine would pair well with sharp cheddar cheese or toffee candy.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Victory Summer Love Ale

RATING: 2.5/5



Floral, a little sour. Save your money--there are way too many choices out there to waste your money on this below average beer.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Session

RATING: 3/5



Session beer has style, but it's not a session style beer (Session was Session before sessions got popular). Session is okay, but I found it kind of stale and a little bitter. I have to give a shout-out to the label though. The logo looks like it could be for a surf company. Also, I remember back in the day that Session bottle caps had word games on them, and I believe they now have rock-paper-scissors pictures to play with friends. So that's pretty cool.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Simpler Times

RATING: 2/5



Apparently back in "simpler times," beer tasted pretty shitty. Simpler Times is cheap, and in this case you get what you pay for. It starts out okay, but the aftertaste is fairly terrible. In addition, this beer has the unique characteristic of actually getting worse the longer you drink it.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Stone IPA

RATING: 5/5 – 4.5/5



Fantastic. The standard by which all IPAs should be judged. I know it's super popular and widely distributed, but it wouldn't be right to deduct points for that. While the bottle version is a solid 5/5, the canned variety loses a half point for loss of carbonation.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Grieskirchner Weisse

RATING: 4/5



Smooth. This beer is a nice change-up from all the lagers and IPAs out there. Would pair well with an olive plate, an antipasto dish, or a meat and cheese tray. I don't love the sour aftertaste, but I appreciate this beer for its unique and refreshing taste.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Goose Island Beer Company Goose IPA

RATING: 4/5



If Stone Brewing Company made a Stone IPA Light, I'd expect it to taste pretty much like this. I like the flavor, but it's not a standout.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Ballast Point Brewing Company Cinnamon Raisin Commodore American Stout

RATING: 4/5



The title of this beer is a lot, but thankfully so is its flavor. I mean its flavor is a lot. Does that make sense? I don't know, I'm tired. Anyway, I tasted the cinnamon and raisin. All this bad-boy needs is some oatmeal flavor and it'd be like drinking a cookie. The only downside is that it leaves a kind of a stinging aftertaste on the tongue.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Stella Artois Cidre

RATING: 3/5



Good, but not as good as your basic non-alcoholic apple cider. It starts strong with a genuine cider flavor, but the follow up is all cheap wine. This drink would be good if you hate beer, or if you like to drink really fast (so you'd stay ahead of the aftertaste).

Monday, August 21, 2017

Voodoo Ranger Atomic Pumpkin Ale

RATING: 2/5



Yikes. Tasted a tiny bit of pumpkin and lots of habanero. If anyone drank an entire 6 pack they'd end up looking like the dude on the label. I love spicy food and hot sauce, but this is way too much pepper for a beer.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Bear Republic Racer 5 I.P.A.

RATING: 4.5/5



I realized that I've been rating a lot of new and random beer, but I haven't covered some of my favorites. Racer 5 is an IPA lover's IPA (whatever that means). I visited this brewery way back in the 20th century and I remember being blown away by Racer 5's balanced, complex, floral berry flavor. The only thing lacking is the bold bitter aftertaste that many modern IPAs bring to the table.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Natural Ice

RATING: 3.5/5



I'm going to say something that will send the heads of hipsters around the world spinning: Natty Ice is better than PBR.

Pabst Blue Ribbon has gotten a reputation for being the best "cheap" beer money can buy, which has resulted in it no longer being that cheap. In addition to costing less than PBR, Natural Ice is stronger, and it tastes better. Wake up sheeple!

*Note: When you buy this beer everyone will judge you for being kind of a dirtbag (including me).

Friday, August 18, 2017

Golden Road Brewing 329 Days of Sun Lager

RATING: 3/5



Nice basic lager with a bit of a grapefruit bite at the end. I like that it's brewed locally in Los Angeles and I appreciate its reference to our awesome weather, but at twice the price of other domestics, I'm picking Bud Light every time.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Bear Republic Pace Car Racer

RATING: 4.5/5



The aptly named Pace Car, is a "session" beer, meant to be enjoyed over a long period of time without getting you too tipsy. I applaud the idea of this type of beer, but have a hard time getting around the fact that it costs the same as other beers that have a fuller flavor and contain twice as much alcohol.

I have been a fan of this brewery's Racer 5 IPA for almost two decades, and their new offering does not disappoint. Pace Car Racer starts with a smooth, almost candy like taste, and finishes with a classic IPA bite.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Boulevard Brewing Company The Calling IPA

RATING: 4/5



Nice basic IPA with a hint of chocolate on the finish. A solid offering, but nothing to write home about.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Coronado Brewing Company Guava Islander Tropical IPA

RATING: 4/5



Watered down wheat flavor with a shot of citrus at the end. Not bad, but I definitely didn’t taste that much guava. I detected more of an orange rind flavor. While traveling years ago in South America I came across a place that served beer mixed 50/50 with orange soda. This tastes a lot like that, except this is about 3 times as strong.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Stone Ghost Hammer IPA

RATING: 4.5/5



A very solid offering from Stone. It has a surprisingly fruity taste, like a beer fruit punch. Okay it's not that crazy, but it was definitely not what I expected. It'd be great if Stone started selling half IPA, half Ghost Hammer twelve packs. It'd be nice to go back and forth between the two brews, switching between the bold and bitter IPA and the lighter sweeter Ghost Hammer.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Kona Longboard Island Lager

RATING: 4/5



A good summertime beer that pairs well with summertime food. Light malty-sweet flavor. I can't help feeling that if this beer wasn't in such a cool bottle, it'd be "just okay." But aesthetics count, and the whole presentation is cool, including but not limited to the Hawaiian islands raised in the glass.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Green Flash Sea to Sea Lager

RATING: 3/5



Smooth like carbonated water. A weak beer with a weak flavor. Nothing to make it stand out. This could be the most average beer I've ever drank.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Knee Deep Brewing Company Breaking Bud

RATING: 4/5



Pssst. Do you want to know a secret? I'm just now watching Breaking Bad. I'm trying to keep this on the DL because I'm sure that if I tell anyone they are going to ruin the ending for me. Anyway, I drank this beer while watching Breaking Bad (and while cooking meth!!!!!). Talk about an immersive experience!

This beer smells like weed, and tastes like weed. I actually checked the label to see if I had accidentally purchased some type of beer/weed fusion drink. It's piney smooth flavor would pair great with a blue cheese burger and fries. If it was cheaper I could see myself putting it into my regular beer rotation.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Mission Brewery Shipwrecked Double IPA

RATING: 3/5



This novelty act tastes nothing like an IPA. Shipwrecked Double IPA has a distinctive stout taste with hints of tobacco, coffee, and dark chocolate followed by a stinging "what did I just drink--is this carbonated motor oil?" aftertaste.

The fact of the matter is that this beer isn't bad, but is way too expensive and tastes way too much like a stout to get a higher rating from me. With the strength of 9.25% ABV, and sold in a 32 ounce can this thing should come with a bottle of Tylenol taped to the side. Pairs well with dehydration and regret.

Wednesday, August 09, 2017

Anderson Valley Hobnelch'n Hoppy Saison Ale

RATING: 3.5/5



In addition to having a title that will break your spellcheck, Hobnelch'n Hoppy Saison Ale serves up a citrus explosion for your face mouth! Fizzy up front with a bold lemon zest. At first blush, this beer tastes like bubbly lemonade that's been strained through a pile of fresh barnyard hey. After a while though, it starts to grow on you.

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Busch

RATING: 3.5/5



Although Busch has long been seen as inferior to the Budweiser/Coors/Miller triumvirate, I say it's gotten a bad rap. Busch is a refreshing mellow beer with a slightly sweet finish. Perfect for summertime barbecues and poolside drinking. And at a price point cheaper than its domestic competition, Busch deserves a second look.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company Whispering Pine IPA

RATING: 4.5/5



Doesn't taste like a traditional IPA, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. This beer has more of a pale ale taste, but at 8.1% ABV it can stand up to the big boys. I found Whispering Pine to be very smooth and easy to drink. I could definitely taste the pine, but not the whisper. I guess my palette isn't as refined as I thought.

Sunday, August 06, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company Sidewinder Red Ale

RATING: 4/5



Starts off bold and fades to a kind of generic sugary finish. I was hoping this beer would be a little more exciting, but it's nice to know it's out there when I want a break from the IPAs of the world. Plus, at 8.5% ABV, this is the strongest red ale I've seen.

Saturday, August 05, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company High Altitude Hefeweizen

RATING: 3/5



Okay. Nothing special. A little too light with not a lot of wheat beer taste. Not bad, but not great either (kind of like the contents of this review).

Friday, August 04, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company Barely Legal Honey Blonde

RATING: 4/5



This beer is very light and has a crisp sweetness to it. It's good, and very easy to drink, but could use a little more flavor. Great for someone who enjoys the occasional beer, but isn't looking for anything too fancy.

Thursday, August 03, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company Ode to Winslow Chocolate Porter

RATING: 3.5/5



A nice chocolate porter. While I appreciated that this porter didn't weigh me down, or stick me with a malty sweet aftertaste, I would have liked a little more complexity in the overall flavor.

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Big Bear Lake Brewing Company Goldmine Pale Ale

RATING: 2.5/5



Wheat flavor up front with a cheap sweet finish. The aftertaste is what I'd imagine a "light" malt liquor might taste like. Big Bear Lake Brewing Company needs to step up their game to make this beer worthy of its "Goldmine" name.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Sierra Nevada Otra Vez

RATING: 1/5




Think of the grossest thing you could put in your mouth. Okay, back off a little, not that dirty. What I’m trying to say is that this stuff is vile. Imagine throwing up and asking for water and instead being handed back your own puke in the form of a cold carbonated beverage. That’s what this tastes like. Sierra Nevada has an incredible track record for putting out new beers, but this one is so off the mark it boggles the mind.

So don’t let the cool cactus label fool you! You’d be better off trying to drink water straight from a cactus than paying to drink this junk.

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

4th of July in song titles

Firework
by Katy Perry

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
by Jack Johnson

Bottle Up and Explode!
by Elliott Smith

Flashing Lights
by Kanye West

Great Balls of Fire
by Jerry Lee Lewis

Hot Hot Hot!!!
by The Cure

Oops!...I Did It Again
by Britney Spears

Help!
by The Beatles

It’s a Fire
by Portishead

Cop Car
by Keith Urban

Run Run Run
by The Velvet Underground

Caught Up
by Usher

We Didn’t Start the Fire
by Billy Joel

Trouble
by Coldplay

Rules Broken
by All-Time Quarterback

Freeway Time in LA County Jail
by Sublime

Monday, July 03, 2017

I've achieved the impossible!

I found a comic strip joke in the newspaper that's actually kind of funny!

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Top 5 types of dessert

1. Ice Cream
2. Cookies
3. Pie
4. Brownies
5. Cake

Worst: Flan

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Just the essentials

This photo is on the box of an inflatable camping mattress.



Based on the image, when this woman goes camping, her packing list includes the following:

[√] Backpack

[√] Ceramic Coffee Cup
[√] Down Comforter
[√] Dream Catcher
[√] Banjo

Friday, May 19, 2017

Stummy beige

A research scientist just trained a computer to generate new paint colors and give them each a name. The names the computer came up with sound like the worst Pokémon characters ever.



And I thought the names I created for Fallout Shelter were ridiculous.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

More like ZENdge

While looking for a wallpaper for my new iPad, I came across Zedge.net. The site boasts over 246 million app downloads and it's easy to see why. Who wouldn't want to stare at these nuggets of inspiration multiple times per day?




"My secret rage is proof that I 'love' you."





This one's literally and metaphorically deep.





"...step over the faux balcony and fall to your destiny."

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Literate yourself!

My birthday is in a couple of weeks and in the spirit of giving, I've decided to release the FULL TEXT of my book I Am Now a Published Author, on this blog for the bargain price of $0.00. That's $2.99 off the regular price, and about a billion dollars less than it's worth. My lawyer would kill me, if I had a lawyer (which I don't, as evidenced by my copyright page).

Click the cover page below and enjoy!

Monday, May 08, 2017

The most LA thing ever

While going through a Parks and Recreation catalog, I came across this ad for 4-6 year old actors who want to "get back to the basics of the craft."

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Some doubt

I don't know what's worse: the fact that the band sang this live on tour, or that the lyrics are posted online.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

This video has everything . . .

. . . creative swearing, righteous anger, a sassy Australian . . . everything!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A name by any other name would be a different name

A fun thing to do when you see a wall of kids’ coloring sheets is to make one with an outrageous name and watch people's reactions when they read it. I did this on a recent trip to the aquarium, and I like to think I inspired some future parents.

If you’re reading this in 2037, tell your many friends named Blorph that I say “you’re welcome.”

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Classic goof

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Words with fetus

Words with Friends has determined that my appropriate opponent level is "unborn child."

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Knock nock joke

"Knock knock."

"Whose there?"

"WHO'S there."

"I don't know, it's you're dumb joke."

"It's YOUR dumb joke."

"This is two much."

Monday, March 13, 2017

Charles E. Sims

If you've been following this blog for a while, you know that my grandpa was my hero and I miss him like crazy. I could write a whole blog on the cool things he did in his lifetime, but for now I'll just share one of my favorite stories.

My grandpa was a court reporter as a young man. One day he was messing around with his sheriff buddies and they let him "test" some pepper spray, which I believe involved him spraying Mace inside of the police station and accidentally getting some on himself. His friends then wrote up a fake warrant for his arrest, "booking him" for drunk driving on the wrong side of the road in excess of 90 miles per hour.



The best part, though, is this authentic 1950s mugshot they took of my grandpa. He looks pretty badass on the left, but he couldn't hold it together for the profile.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Nothing to see here. . . .

I know everyone's probably seen this video, but I had to give it a permanent home on this blog. It's such a perfect example of what it's like to try and work from home when you have little kids.

Monday, March 06, 2017

I'm a wild lab rat

If you haven't checked out Lab in the Wild yet, you should. The site has a bunch of personality tests like those ridiculous ones on Facebook, but these tests are actually legit (created by professors from Harvard and the University of Washington).

Go see if you can beat my scores! (If you do beat me, don't tell me. Just let me have this, okay?)



My Results
(all first time)

How quickly do you learn?
MY RESULTS: 75% forecasting accuracy ("much higher than average").

What is your thinking style?
MY RESULTS: Similar to people in my country.

Are you more Eastern or Western?
MY RESULTS: Equally competent at perceiving foreground and background (highest possible accuracy on both tests).

How fast is your memory?
MY RESULTS: 99% accuracy with 590 millisecond response average (319 faster than world average of 909 millisecond response time).

Can we guess your age?
MY RESULTS: My "color age" is 14 years old (which is a good thing).

What is your color perception score?
MY RESULTS: 100% accuracy.

How good is your nutrition knowledge?
MY RESULTS: 71% correct.

Test your social intelligence!
MY RESULTS: 29 out of 36 (better than 74% of participants).

Multitasking test
MY RESULTS: I got zero mistakes. It took me 2.68 seconds to find and select each item, well below the 3.22 second average. When forced to remember more symbols at once, most people slow down by 0.21%. I got faster by 11.91%. Multitasking FTW!