Monday, September 25, 2006

Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky is the name of a Saturday Night Live character. During the "Bill Brasky" sketches friends gather to drink Scotch, smoke cigarettes, and loudly reminisce about their mutual acquaintance, Bill Brasky. Here are some things they say about him:

"Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!"

"His poop is considered currency in Argentina."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half; until sure enough, someone constructs a bar around us. Well, the day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found 'em!'"

"He hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! And he hated irony!"

"The story of Johnny Appleseed is based on Brasky. Except for the part about planting apple trees . . . and not raping men."

"He did all the makeup on the Planet of the Apes movies."

"He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."

"I remember one time, Brasky took his family to SeaWorld. They were watching Shamu the whale and Brasky got splashed. So Brasky yells, 'I'm Bill Brasky and no one gets me wet!' So he climbs into the tank, grabs Shamu and throws the whale into the audience, splashes him and yells, 'Now how do you like it?' And then damn if Brasky didn't step in there and finish the show."

"We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it."

"Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong."

"Brasky named the group Sha Na Na. They did not want to be called that."

"If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' Pet Sounds."

"Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime."

"He breastfeeds John Madden!"

"He slept with all of our wives, punched us in the face, and we loved him for it."

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