Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Guns for Gaga

I have an extremely high tolerance for crappy pop music. That being said, there is a new song on the radio that is so vile, so gut-wrenchingly stupid, that I feel I must write to warn everyone about it. The musical abomination I am speaking of is “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.

I am not going to provide a link to this song because I do not want to promote it further than I already am. I know that this may seem ridiculous because by writing about the song I have no doubt piqued your interest. In fact, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the next thing you do on the intraweb will be to search for this horrible song. You inquisitive bastards!

My favorite line in this craptacular masterpiece is not “I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning” as some of you may have guessed. No, the line I am speaking of is “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.”

Okay, so I never played Russian Roulette but I am pretty sure you need a firearm. This is kind of like saying “Monopoly is not the same without a game board.” I am left to imagine Gaga and her friends sitting around, tossing bullets at their heads in frustration.

The whole thing has inspired me to start a fundraiser with the goal of buying Lady Gaga and her friends a revolver. I’m calling it “Guns for Gaga” and I am sure that it will make the world a better place for all.

Please send money soon! I fear that Gaga may resort to playing Russian Roulette with her “love-glue-gun” and who knows what kind of chaos would result from that.


Colonel Gentleman said...

That's it. We're even for the whole "Bounce" fiasco now. But remember, Ryan: two wrongs don't make a right.

circus family said...

Ha! That song has been killin me for weeks! I hadn't even noticed the love-glue line. The thought of GaGa's love-glue turns my stomach.

Have you noticed the part about face f-ing? The loop is "my-my-my poker face, fa-fa-fu** her face". She can't really be saying it, but there is no way they didn't mean for it to sound like that while mixing the song. It is blatant. So blatant I can't beleive they play it on the radio.

To top it off, I think Fergie has a few lines in the song as well, mentioning her "lumps" again. Thinking back, maybe Fergie should have been on the Most Annoying list.

Do you need that cash wired?

Ryan Danger Sims said...

First to the the Colonel:

Nice try. The difference is that I do not like "Poker Face," while you adore the little ditty entitled "Bounce, Bounce." So I say again, nice try.

Second to Circus Family:

I knew you would be all over this one. As a fellow aficionado of crappy pop music I was anticipating that you would have something to add to this post.

I didn't think my opinion of the song could be any worse, but you have proved me wrong. I will listen for the the self-proclaimed "Dutchess" the next time I hear the song on the radio (which should be about every 15 minutes for the next three months).

CA Commuter Confessions said...

i am waiting for your post on "disco stick," which i think is worse than poker face. (i must confess that i like poker face despite the lyrics. i blame patrick ;))
disco stick is so wrong on so many levels... and don't get me started on the music video!

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