New Year's resolutions

1. Reach ideal BMI by losing weight, or growing a couple of inches.

7. Mature enough that I don't smile every time I hear someone talking about the "ball drop" in Times Square (or when typing "growing a couple of inches," for that matter).

4. Look up the definition of the word "fleek" and use it in a sentence in order to appear "hip."

8. Learn how numbers work.

25 Maps That Describe America

Mental Floss recently published a series of maps that highlight various regional differences within the US. Click here to see them all.

THE MOST FAMOUS BRAND FROM EVERY STATE:


HALF THE COUNTRY LIVES IN THE BLUE COUNTIES:


THE MOST POPULAR NFL TEAM BY COUNTY:


THE U.S. MAP DISTORTED BY POPULATION:

Thurl Ravenscroft was gr-r-reat!

Did you know that the guy who sung, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” was also the voice of Tony the Tiger in those Frosted Flakes commercials?





Thurl Ravenscroft, in addition to having an awesome name, voiced characters in a bunch of classic Disney movies and can be heard on rides all around Disneyland. He passed away in 2005, but his voice lives on as the lead vocalist of the singing busts in the Haunted Mansion, as well as in the background of The Pirates of the Caribbean, and a few other rides. He also voiced Buff the bison head in the (now closed, but never forgotten) Country Bear Jamboree. What a cool job!

Original jokes!

I've decided that there's no way I can keep posting my tweets in the format I was using before. I know, I know, the posts looked so great! The problem is that it was WAY too time consuming to create those images and the posts were taking up too much of my blog feed. 

You can now view all my Twitter jokes on one page by clicking the "one liners" link on the left of this blog. It's a great way to read my material without having to sift through all the annoying stuff on Twitter like "at conversations," "hashtag games," and "other people's jokes."

I'll update it frequently so check back for new stuff. Hope you enjoy!

Starbucks baristas

What they say:
Would you like room in your coffee?

What they mean:
Pick from the following two options.

A. I'll leave two inches of space in your cup, effectively giving you a smaller coffee for the price of a larger one.

B. I'll fill your cup so full that it will spill through the lid, scalding your hands and staining your clothing.

An abominable occupation

There are some pretty weird app titles in the Google Play store, but this one may take the cake.

What went wrong?

South Dakota pulls driving campaign over innuendo
Associated Press - December 12, 2014

South Dakota officials have canceled a public safety campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of jerking the steering wheel on icy roads, saying it's too risque.



The Department of Public Safety has pulled the "Don't Jerk and Drive" ads, which played on the double-meaning of the word "jerk." Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader earlier this week that the double meaning was intentional, to grab people's attention.

He says the message is that the department would prefer drivers keep their cars out of the ditch and their mind out of the gutter.

But his boss, Public Safety Director Trevor Jones, says he's pulling the social media and television ads. He says he doesn't want innuendo to distract from the goal of saving lives on the road.

BREAKING NEWS: These videos are funny

These super short YouTube clips get me every time.

Watch the guy on the left.



This poor bastard. . . .



My favorite of the three. I love this guy’s Burgundy-esque devotion to the teleprompter.

22 to go

And I mean never.

23 to go

I just realized that if I publish 23 more blog posts this month I will have beat my own record for "number of posts in a year." There is virtually no way this is going to happen, as I do not have time to post every day for the next three weeks. I just thought everyone might like to know that I am close to the goal.

Please do not think that the purpose of this post is to provide "filler" in order to get closer to my goal. I would never do that.

Awareness ribbon awareness

We all know that being aware of a problem is tantamount to solving it. It is also a known fact that displaying an awareness ribbon for a cause is the best way to show that you care enough about that cause to display an awareness ribbon for it. The problem arises when you care about lots of different causes. How do you choose which ribbon to display?

For example, what if you want people to be aware of keeping kids off drugs, while simultaneously raising awareness for disabled Coast Guard veterans with high blood pressure? That’s where my ribbon comes in. My “total awareness” ribbon covers every cause from A to Z (Alligator Attack Victims to Zumba Injury Sufferers). It’s the one ribbon to rule them all.



If you're like me, you're probably thinking that this ribbon is one of the ugliest pieces of shit you've ever seen. What can I say? All the other designs were taken.

Bonus true story: His Holiness the Dalai Lama, in his search for total awareness, had fastened so many ribbons to his robe that he could no longer walk. After purchasing one of my ribbons (for a modest fifty bucks), he was able to toss all his other ribbons in a landfill and get back to his job of llama farming (or whatever that guy does for a living). Talk about a success story!

FYI: This thing exists

Goblin Shark

A for effort

These funny answers to test questions have been floating around the Internet for a while now. Here are some of my favorites.

Life imitates art

Cat survives trip in moving box from Va. to Hawaii
Associated Press (article excerpt) - December 3, 2014

A cat has used up at least one of its nine lives after surviving a monthlong trip in a moving box with no food or water.

Ashley Barth tells WAVY-TV her cat Mee Moowe disappeared in September as movers packed her family's belongings for a move from Suffolk, Virginia, to Hawaii.

Thirty-six days later, the boxes arrived in Hawaii. Barth says she heard a faint "meow" as the boxes were unloaded. Mee Moowe was in one of the boxes.



State veterinarian offices in Virginia and Hawaii told WAVY it's unlikely a cat could survive 36 days without food or water, but not impossible.

Ntulbtry

Last week I was really sick. In the middle of the night I woke up and wrote what I thought was a brilliant idea for a blog post.



While it is pretty much impossible to read, I can make out a couple of key points:

1. It is essential to "realize not everyone alibzle."

2. Also, "ntulbtry" is very important (it's underlined!).

Hobophobia

I realize that after reading my last post, some of you may have gotten the impression that I am a hobophobe. I want to go on record and state that I am not anti-hobo. In fact, I used to be one.

Here's the only photo that exists of that dark period of my life. I may look happy, playing my harmonica while blissfully unaware of the shiv sticking out of my abdomen. But if you look closely you will notice that my eyes are burning with trash fire smoke and rage.



In an effort to make things right, I've decided that every time I write the word "hobo" on this blog, I will donate a can of baked beans to Hobotat for Hobmanity. This nonprofit charity is dedicated to providing bindle sticks, handkerchiefs, jugs of wine, iTunes gift cards, and anything else an old fashioned train hoppin' hobo needs to survive in this crazy world.

Stink, stank, stunk

Who thinks this is a good idea?



The person running this place must be a straight up Grinch. And not the cool Grinch from the classic 1960’s cartoon. The freaky, nightmarish Jim Carrey version.

I cannot imagine who this advertising is appealing to. Resentful Englishmen who want to enjoy an anti-Thanksgiving meal? Orthodox Jews who just happen to be craving a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger on December 25th?

Some might argue that hobos cannot afford a traditional holiday meal and might like to eat at a fast food restaurant during the holidays. That is just crazy. Hobos don't want to eat Jack In The Box on holidays. Jack In The Box is like hobo home base. You can't throw a jalapeño popper around a Jack In The Box without hitting a hobo. Those deep fried tacos are hobos' bread and butter. Probably because the tacos are cheaper than actual bread and butter. But I digress.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two days of the year that hobos can get real food in the form of turkey served to them at a shelter by a hipster with a heart of gold wearing a designer beard hairnet he found on Etsy.

So have a heart Jack In The Box boss. Close your doors and give your employees little time off. Even if they don't celebrate the holidays, I'm sure they'll enjoy some time away from all those stinky hobos.

Pine whine

City's 'ugly' Christmas tree prompts public outcry
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 22, 2014

A Christmas tree that might make Charlie Brown think twice is getting kicked to the curb a little early after residents of a Pennsylvania town complained it was too ugly.

Reading's spindly 50-foot spruce drew the ire of residents who said it was ruining their holiday spirit.

Now a group led by the city council president is raising money to buy and decorate a more impressive replacement. The current tree is topped with a lighted pretzel, a nod to the area's many bakeries.

A tale of woe

Check out the message written on this hot sauce packet.



I realize that the guys in Taco Bell’s ad department are forced to “think outside the bun” in order to come up with creative ads, but they are clearly not considering the consequences of their actions. Take this true story for example.

A friend of mine’s wife found one of these packets in his coat pocket one morning. She kicked him out (after 20 years of marriage!) and he had nowhere to go (we’re really not that good of friends).

That night he started sleeping in his business office. One morning his boss came in early and caught him dry humping the copy machine. The guy explained that he was "lonely" but his boss was unsympathetic and fired him on the spot. Now he lives on the street.

And you want to know the worst part of this story? The only job he could get after being fired was at Taco Bell. Oh the irony!

Potent quotables

Every month Reader’s Digest publishes a selection of “Quotable Quotes.” The list usually contains some quality quotations, mixed with other quotes whose “quotability” could be called into question. One example of a questionable quote is the following advice given by Amelia Earhart:

DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THE GOAL IS WORTH THE RISKS INVOLVED. IF IT IS, STOP WORRYING.

Yeah, I’m going to take advice on risk assessment from a woman who disappeared off of the face of the earth while pursuing her goal.

The most ridiculous quote of the month is from an artist named Michele Oka Doner:

THE CLOSED FIST RECEIVES NOTHING.

It sounds like something Confucius would say after having one too many Zimas. I added a few alternative conclusions to the quote.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But it does pack a hellofa punch.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Unless you balance something carefully on top of it.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Also, there is no such thing as an “open fist.”

The closed fist receives nothing.
And even if it could receive something I still wouldn’t give you any money, you dirty hippy.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But the open hand can receive a truly rad high five.

Me want cookie!

My son and I are smack in the middle of a "boys weekend!" My wife and daughter are out of town, so my son and I are having fun doing lots of manly stuff. This morning we went to the grocery store and then we went shoe shopping. Next on the agenda: baking cookies! In the spirit of manliness, here are some photos of cool looking cookies from pastry chef Amber Spiegel.

Street sweeper rant

Every week my neighbors and I engage in a sort of vehicular ballet, moving cars from one side of the street to the other in order to avoid a street sweeping ticket. The most irritating part is that the sweeper doesn't do a damn thing. The vehicle zooms past my house, stirs up dirt from my gutter, and shoots it out into the street. While the sweeper is doing it's dirty business, meter maids and meter manservants (the male version of a maid is a "manservant"-I looked it up) drive through the neighborhood handing out $50 tickets like they're going out of style.

Growing up, I never had a street sweeper come by my house. Every week my father would go out and dig a pathway through waist-high trash so that I could walk to school. When I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I didn't wish for a Teddy Ruxpin, I wished for the "trash fairy" to come and sweep away the filth from my front yard. Now that I'm an adult, however, I have realized that there are things worse than trash. And those things are dirty rotten street sweepers.

Mo coupons mo problems

I have been playing the Monopoly game at McDonald’s lately (by “playing” I mean tearing paper off of food containers, and by “McDonald’s” I mean DON’T JUDGE ME). I recently got two coupons for free food, but I was told I could only use "one coupon per person.”



I know I can use both coupons if there are two people in my car, but how does McDonald's know I’m not going to eat all the food myself? What if the only other person in my car is my baby? Does a baby count? They can’t eat solid food, but they are still human beings. Even McDonald’s has to admit that babies are human beings. Does the passenger in my car even have to be human? People treat their dogs better than humans. What if I genuinely want to feed my dog a Big Mac?!*

*If you think I'm a monster for feeding my dog fast food, please consider that he is on his deathbed with hours to live and has always wanted a Bic Mac even though all I ever fed him was expensive vegan dog food and kale juice shakes. Now who’s the monster?

Twenty tweets two

Twenty more original jokes!

Way to go, man!

Man's ashes to be scattered in fireworks display
Associated Press (article excerpt) - October 22, 2014

A Missouri funeral director is sending his father out with a bang. His father's ashes, anyway.

Greenlawn Funeral Homes will hold its first Firework Memorial program on Saturday night, when fireworks packed with James Carver's cremated remains will be launched skyward as part of his family's goodbye.

Carver's family is the first to try Greenlawn's new program. His son is funeral director Jim Carver, who says his father, who died in 2008, loved watching fireworks and would appreciate the unusual send off. The family will follow the eight-minute fireworks display with a cookout and memorial celebration.

Twenty tweets

Now that I'm more active on Twitter, I've realized how ephemeral the medium is (now that's some fancy talk!). I'm just making a guess here, but I'd wager that most people don't look past the most recent 20 tweets or so on anyone's account. I work really hard on creating original jokes to post and I would hate to have my little nuggets of humor (wait, scratch that, let's say "comedic gems") get lost in the flock (get it?). In order to prevent this I have decided to post my tweets on this blog in batches of 20 (jokes only-no mentions or hashtag game entries). If you like this stuff (and honestly, who wouldn't?) be sure to follow me on Twitter! (I used a lot of parentheses in this post!)

Business is business (whatever that means)

Check out this business card that was left in my mailbox! I don’t know what’s better, the fact that you can hire cats to move your furniture, or that a guy named Johnnie Bravo is running the company.

Speaking of business cards, I recently had some printed. The message isn't the same when viewing the card in a digital format, but you get the idea.

Emo? Gee!

After some careful reflection I realized that I got way too excited about emojis in my last post. Instead of using them in every future post, I have decided to use a shitload of them in this post, and then probably never use them again. Let's get this out of my system.



(Emojis from getemoji.com.)

⚡Super Chargers!⚡

I have to take a second here to brag about my favorite football team. The Chargers are on a five game win streak and are looking great for the playoffs! I've hung in there through thick and thin for over 13 years and it looks like I'm finally going to see them get their due. To celebrate, here are some drawings by Pixar animator (and Chargers fan), Bobby Rubio.





He even drew quarterback Phillip Rivers in his signature bolo tie!



P.S. Did you see the emojis in my title?! I'm going to use those damn things every time I post from now on! It really classes up the post, don't you think?! This calls for more exclamation points!!!


!

Who's The Man?

I recently came across a test that determines whether a person is a narcissist. It's called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and you can take it for yourself here. (Time Saving Hint: If you are super excited about taking the test because it is all about you, then you're probably a narcissist.)

I scored a 19 on the test, which means that I got the highest possible score without being a narcissist. Best score ever! Frankly I'm not surprised because I am excellent at everything I do. (I even scored a 0 in the vanity category, which means I'm even great at being humble!)



What was surprising to me was that the average is so low. My theory is that the test was created by The Man to keep the population in line. If you analyze the data it looks like the "correct" answers include statements such as "I prefer to blend in with the crowd" and "I don't mind following orders." Damn The Man!

FYI, I did a quick Google Image search for The Man and came up with the following results. Keep your eyes peeled!

Face wig

Tyra has really outdone herself this time. The current cycle of ANTM is possibly the most ridiculous yet (and that is saying A LOT). I haven’t watched the show in a long time but I was totally blown away when I tuned in to see a male model’s makeover. Tyra gave him something she called a “beard weave.” The stylist basically glued a strip of rat hair to the guy's face and called it a day.



They recently tried to fix it and I think it actually got worse.

Two-timing timer

My kitchen timer has been cheating on me! My timer is a pretty unique item, given to my wife and I for a wedding present seven years ago. As far as I know the timer is no longer on the market. So imagine my surprise when I was flipping through the pages of Reader’s Digest (not while on the toilet, btw) and I came across an article featuring a photo of my kitchen timer taking part in some type of culinary orgy! There he was, squished at the bottom of a sexy food stack, slathered in oil.





I know some of you might be asking why I'm referring to my timer as a “he” and not a “she.” First of all, I checked and he is definitely a he (and yes, the carpet matches the drapes). Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you are insisting that my timer is a girl. Why would you assume that? Because the timer spends its life in the KITCHEN? Real nice.

Now, I know he has a lot of free time on his hands (get it—time?), but I am concerned. To be honest, I'm scared that he's going to make the same mistake as other kitchen accessories before him. Just look at that teacup from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.



Last I heard, Chip was working as a crunk chalice. And you can bet he isn’t briming over with tea, if you know what I mean.