Funny reviews

Amazon.com just posted a bunch of funny reviews written by their customers. Here are my favorites.


BIC Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen



"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
E. Bradley

"i live with my parents and when my dad found me using these pens he threw all of my things in the trash and now he's taking me on a hunting trip?"
john mcgowan

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal



"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
J. Fitzsimmons

"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."
MoLaw

"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"
E. Bonheim

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask



"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."
Selig7

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."
T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."
ByronicHero

How to Avoid Huge Ships



"I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer's other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven't been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!"
Citizenfitz

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable



"Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again."
Matthew Sidor

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt



"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
overlook1977

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."
Seth G. Macy

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed."
SW3K

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
J. Anderson

This rant is bananas

Do you hate the "dine in" banana experience? Is the preparation, the cutlery, and the cleanup all just too much for you to handle? Well, friend, you're in luck. For just five times the price of one of those tedious grocery store bananas, Starbucks is now offering hassle free "to go" bananas!

Low calorie rant

There is a truck parked on my street advertising some type of pita bread wrap. The claim on the side of the truck is that their product has "half the fat and half the carbs of regular bread." While I am sure this is true, you have to consider the fact that a pita wrap also contains half the bread.

This sparked a business idea. I am going to start selling candy bars door-to-door. Each one will taste exactly the same as a regular candy bar, but will have half the fat and half the calories! Here's a photo of my invention.

So that's what that is! (#2)

Here are some more things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How tall was Napoleon?

2. What is the furthest distance between two points on the surface of the earth?

3. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?


ANSWERS
1. There is some debate, but Napoleon Bonaparte is generally believed to have been 5 foot 7 inches tall.
2. The farthest you can ever get from your landlord is approximately 12,451 miles (until he dies and goes to hell, of course).
3. I just conducted this (delicious) experiment for myself and I got 633.

Professor Nutbag

I was going through a box of papers the other day and came across some notes from my teaching credential program. I had a few crazy teachers, but the instructor for my EELB 533 class took the cake. The notes below are from one of her classes. She droned on about herself while I wrote down key points of her monologue.

Click the images to make them bigger.

Patented tent consistently, persistently, portents attention!

I just got a new tent and I like it so much I have to blog about it! It's huge, and it only takes a minute to put up. I am not exaggerating. I put it up by myself in one minute (and took it down in two). Definitely the best tent I've ever owned.

2011 Model Coleman 14x10 Foot 8 Person Instant Tent

Free Slurpees!

For one day only, 7-Eleven stores across the nation will be giving out FREE Slurpees. The promotion takes place on July 11th (7-11). Tell your friends!

NOTE: This post was delayed because of the More Rants than Raves "beer reviews every day in July" event. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Guinness Draught

RATING: 5/5



Best. Beer. Ever.


Hope. You. Enjoyed. The. Month. Of. Beer. Reviews. Visit. Again. Soon. For. More. Fun. Stuff.

Twilight Summer Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



Wow. I honestly wasn't expecting too much flavor from a self-described "summer" ale, but this one surprised me. I can see myself throwing back a few dozen of these at a BBQ.

Tower 10 IPA

RATING: 4/5



I've tried most of the beers that Karl Strauss puts out and none of them can stand up to their Tower 10 IPA. It is smooth and hoppy with a crisp bitter-but-not-too-bitter finish. For the purposes of this blog project, all the beers I rated were drank out of a bottle unless otherwise noted. FYI, Tower 10 is even better on tap. I would rate the draught version a 5/5!

Leffe Blond

RATING: 2/5



I'll be the first to admit that the rating I gave this beer is unfair. By giving it a 2/5, the implication is that it is a bad beer. This is not exactly true. The beer has a complex, rich flavor. The problem is that the flavor is exactly the opposite of the style of beer that I like. If you look at my rating system, a 2/5 indicates that, "although this beer may be likable to some, I found it unappealing." That pretty much sums up Leffe Blond.

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



I have been a fan of Sierra Nevada for a long time. A few years ago they switched their caps from twist-off to pop-off and I still find myself trying to twist the caps off out of habit (nearly ripping my fingers off in the process). The Sierra Nevada brewery is immaculate and offers a great tour. They make a bunch of beers that are only available on tap in bars around the brewery. When I visited my favorite was their "Crystal Wheat."

Batch 19

RATING: 3/5



I LOVE the idea behind this beer. Apparently someone at Coors stumbled upon an old beer recipe in the basement archives of the brewery dating back before Prohibition. Coors reproduced the recipe and labeled it "Batch 19." It is so cool to taste what beer was like almost 100 years ago! It's also cool that beer doesn't taste like this anymore! Okay it actually doesn't taste that bad. It goes down smooth like a light beer, with a sour aftertaste that kind of burns the back of your tongue. The taste didn't blow me away, but I'd still love to drink it out of a jug at a theme party.

Red Stripe Light

RATING: 3/5



I drank a lot of Red Stripe while traveling through Jamaica and although it pairs well with spicy food (like jerk chicken), I'm not a huge fan of drinking it all by itself. It's just a little too sweet. Red Stripe Light gains a half point because it doesn't have as sweet of a finish as the original. I like that this beer is produced on the island of Jamaica and comes in cool little stubby bottles, but I have to be honest and say that this lager is just okay.

Shock Top Wheat I.P.A.

RATING: 3.5/5



This beer is advertised as a wheat beer that has been "married" with an IPA. I have to admit that I was kind of expecting this marriage to end in disaster. I'm happy to say that I was wrong. The beer starts out light and finishes strong with the slight bitterness of a pale ale. A great combination when you're looking for something light on a hot day, but don't want to sacrifice too much flavor. My only big complaint is the lingering "fake lemon" aftertaste.

Dogfish Head Indian Brown Ale

RATING: 4/5



Very unique flavor. I did taste the caramelized sugar advertised on the bottle, but the aftertaste came off as more of a porter. It's a well crafted beer, but it isn't completely my style.

Stone Levitation Ale

RATING: 4/5



Stone IPA is one of my favorite beers, so I was expecting to be blown away by their Levitation Ale. I was surprised to discover that it isn't fantastic. That is not to say that the beer isn't good. It is good, it's just not great. I mean I can see how Levitation Ale is tasty in it's own right, but it just can't compare with the full-bodied. . . . You know what? Just get the IPA.

Rolle Bolle

RATING: 2/5



This beer wasn't too bad, but I can think of a lot of other brands that I would rather drink. The initial flavor is nice but I didn't enjoy the lingering dish soap aftertaste. Rolle Bolle is made by the same brewery that puts out Flat Tire Amber Ale (another beer that I don't really care for). As with Flat Tire, the label for this beer is atrocious. At first it might look interesting compared to other options on the store shelf, but when you look closely it's clear that it was sketched by a drunken teenager.

Hoegaarden

RATING: 3.5/5



The name sounds like what a gangsta rapper would try to cultivate outside their "crib." The beer is cloudy with yeast, low on carbonation, and a little sweet on the finish. All in all, Hoegaarden is just a little better than okay.

Green Flash Brewing Co. Hop Head Red

RATING: 4.5/5



A fine hand-crafted amarillo dry hopped red india pale ale from the Green Flash Brewing Company. Say that three times fast. A spicy dry ale with a nice bitter finish. Very unique flavor--I tasted grapefruit and copper. When I lived in San Diego, I visited a restaurant called The Green Flash (not affiliated with the beer). I asked about the name and was told that it refers to a rare phenomenon that occurs occasionally at sunset. Apparently there is a green flash visible for a split second, right as the sun disappears below the horizon. I have watched a few sunsets since and I haven't seen the flash. Maybe you're supposed to drink a few of these beers before watching.

Firestone DBA

RATING: 3/5



Meh. I was expecting a much fuller flavor for something called "Double Barrel Ale." Reminded me of a weak brown ale. I really like some of Firestone's other beers, but to be honest it's hard for me to separate the beer from the bachelor. For those of you who don't know, Andrew Firestone is the heir to the Firestone tire fortune. The Firestone family also produces Firestone beer. Andrew was on the reality show The Bachelor a few years ago, which means he's an idiot. The whole time I was drinking this I was thinking that DBA really stands for "Douche Bag Ale."

Mammoth Brewing Co. Epic IPA

RATING: 4/5



GUEST REVIEW!
Here's a guest review from my friend and fellow beer connoisseur, Shawn.

"An extra half star for the name and the can graphics. I give it a solid 4 for the Alpine water and nice balance of hops."

Budweiser Select 55

RATING: 3/5



If you're going to go with one of the trendy low-cal beers, this is the one to pick. The "super light" beers are all pretty similar (light on taste, heavy on carbonation). I like Bud 55 because it has a pleasing (albeit very mild) flavor and it's the lowest calorie beer you can buy. Word of warning though: all these low-cal beers have about half the alcohol of regular beers. This means you end up paying (and peeing) twice as much for the same buzz.

Heineken

RATING: 5/5



There's nothing quite like an ice-cold Heineken on a hot day. Or a warm day. Or during a frigid ice storm. From the distinctive green bottle to the "good skunky" flavor, Heineken is a classic. I must admit that I'm a little biased here because it was my grandpa's favorite beer (and he was the coolest guy ever). As he would say, "It really hits the spot!"

Kona Brewing Co. Wailua

RATING: 4/5



I usually don't go in for flavored beers, but I had had this company's Koko Brown Ale and it was excellent so I thought I would give this one a try as well. I was not disappointed. Great front-end flavor with an authentic passion fruit aftertaste.

Coronado Brewing Co. Islander IPA

RATING: 2.5/5



Probably the least-bitter IPA I have ever had (and that isn't a good thing). It was smooth enough, but it was light on taste and it had a biting, acidic aftertaste that seemed to go on forever. Not horrible, but I definitely wouldn't' seek it out. I had high hopes for this beer. I was married on Coronado Island and it is a beautiful place. I heard the brewery is very nice so I will be sure to check it out next time I'm in San Diego.

Samuel Adams Latitude 48 IPA

RATING: 4/5



I have always enjoyed Samuel Adams beer and was excited to try their take on an IPA. I was not disappointed. Latitude 48 is a on the lighter side for an IPA, but still boasts a nice flavor with a crisp lemon-citrus finish. Plus every cent spent on Samuel Adams goes towards America!

Beck's Sapphire

RATING: 3/5



I was curious how these much hyped "sapphire" hops would taste. (Would it be like drinking a glass of fine jewelry?) Unfortunately it turned out to be a pretty basic beer. Very light flavor with a bit of a sake aftertaste. Not spectacular, but okay summertime drinkin.' I do think it's pretty unbelievable that they packed so little taste into a beer with 6% ABV. Hide this one from the kids!

Fireman's Brew Brunette Beer

RATING: 4/5



This German-style doublebock was very easy on the palette. I was expecting a heavy malty-sweet taste (it's 8% ABV) but it was actually pretty mild. My brother is a fireman and fights fires in the area around where this beer is produced. Next time I visit I'll try to convince him that we should go on a brewery tour together. My plan is to borrow his uniform and sweat it out while drinking what I can only assume will be a massive amount of free beer.

Belmont Brewing Company Chinook IPA

RATING: 5/5



This beer doesn't come in a bottle--you have to get it straight from the source. The brewery only makes Chinook occasionally which is probably good since it's so easy to drink it's scary. Full IPA flavor without being overly bitter. Light on carbonation with a long lasting hoppy aftertaste. The fact that the brewery is located on the beach doesn't hurt, either.

Magic Hat #9

RATING: 3/5



This beer didn't leave much of an impression on me. It was light on flavor with a kind of bitter orange-peel finish. The label promises "a performance in every bottle." Extending the metaphor, I would compare this beer to a street musician. While I enjoy listening to a song while I walk by, I'm not going to sit down on the curb and listen to the entire set.

Redbridge

RATING: 1/5



While about 0.1% of people in the United States are allergic to gluten, it seems that 99% of the US population think they have a gluten allergy. If you want to poison your body with alcohol but NOT gluten, Redbridge is the beer for you. Actually, scratch that--I'm not sure Redbridge is for anyone. This stuff is bad. It kind of tastes like carbonated vinegar water.

O'Doul's

RATING: 3.5/5



Fake beer is not just for alcoholics y'all! It's great when you want the flavor of beer but don't want to get tipsy. I have tried many fake beers and I think that O'Doul's is the best. It has a relatively full flavor with a nice caramel finish. It's not over-carbonated and not too sweet.

Interesting fact: fake beer costs more to produce than regular beer. I got into a conversation with a distributer a few years back and he explained that the brewery has to make the beer with alcohol first and then extract it. A process that takes extra time and money.

Lagunitas A Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



I have been a fan of Lagunitas for a looong time and I am so happy that they are finally carrying it in SoCal. I'd like to think that I had something to do with their expanded distribution since I was a kind of (completely unofficial) ambassador for them. Every time I went up North I would buy some and bring it home for my friends to try. A Little Sumpin' Sumpin' is nice and bitter with a crisp brown sugar finish. I could drink this one all day.

Blue Moon Agave Nectar Ale

RATING: 1.5/5



Agave nectar is basically sugar, so I was expecting a syrupy sweet beer. While this ale did have a hint of sweetness, it actually tasted sour, like a bad cider. To be honest, this beer made me a little sick to my stomach. It could have been the four huge tacos and three scoops of ice cream I had before I drank it, but I liked this beer less with every sip.

Baltika 3

RATING: 3/5



I applaud the way these Russian beers are classified. Each style is assigned a number that is clearly printed on the label. Saying the name of these beers aloud kind of sounds like you are referring to different spaceships. I saw numbers 1 through 9 in the store and I'm excited to try them all. The number 3 reminded me of a Dutch beer (light flavor with a somewhat skunky aftertaste). Good for a summertime BBQ.

Rogue Dead Guy Ale

RATING: 2.5/5



Initially sweet with a slightly bitter aftertaste. Okay flavor but nothing that makes me want to run out and buy a bunch more. I really like the label and have fond memories of drinking this in high school college. Back then the label glowed in the dark!

Tusker

RATING: 4/5



Nice light beer with a distinctive semisweet aftertaste. I’m not a huge fan of lagers but when I find a good one I get excited. This one reminds me a bit of XXXX (Australian beer) which is a good thing. Great for summertime drinking. Also, the beer is from Nairobi, Kenya and it is named after a freaking elephant that killed one of the brewery’s founders. So that's pretty badass, too.

A month of beer!

I pride myself on having sampled a huge variety of beers. I am always ready to give beer advice to my friends (or hapless supermarket customers minding their own business trying to pick out something for a party).

Get ready to get excited, because now I've decided to share my wealth of knowledge with you! For the month of July I am going to post one beer review per day. Some beers will be new to me, and others will be old friends that I will revisit for the purpose of this project. It will be rough, but somehow I'll manage.

I'm going to rate each beer on a scale of 1 to 5. The point breakdown is as follows.

5/5 = LOVED IT
Fantastic! You should be drinking this beer right now!

4/5 = LIKED IT
A solid beer choice. I would be stoked to see this offered at a party and recommend that everyone give this beer a try.

3/5 = IT WAS OKAY
A standard beer. Nothing outstanding, nothing offensive. Buy it on sale.

2/5 = DIDN'T LIKE IT
Although this beer may be likable to some, I found it unappealing.

1/5 = HATED IT
Toxic poison sludge. I wouldn't drink this beer even if someone gave it to me for free!*

*Okay, you got me. I'd drink it, but only because I'm pretty sure it's illegal to refuse free beer.

Looks like fun!

Artist Leandro Erlich just created an interactive art installation called "Dalston House" in London. Looks like a lot of fun!

A public service announcement

Attention drivers:

You must choose to adorn your car with either a giant eagle license plate frame, or a customized plate expressing your love of hunting animals in their natural habitat. Otherwise everyone's just going to think that you "love tos fart."

Cake catastrophe

I know this has been making the rounds on Facebook, but I had to archive it here. A lady bought a graduation cake for her daughter and asked that the baker put a little "cap" on her daughter's photo. Here's what she got.

BADASS!

Mom fights off carjacker with kids in backseat
United Press International (article excerpt) - June 17, 2013

Dorothy Baker-Flugence returned to her minivan with her two young children after shopping in Baytown, Texas, when Ismael Martinez, armed with a knife, popped up from the back seat.

Police say a two-year-old boy and his five-year-old sibling were inside the minivan. "The guy pulled a knife on her," said Charles Flugence, the victim's husband. "He had a knife on my son."

Flugence says his wife told him she struggled with Martinez, honked the horn and somehow called 911 while prying the knife away from the assailant.

"She got the knife," Flugence said. "She got a cut that goes across her chest. She grabbed the knife and he bit her hand."

Police say Baker-Flugence ran her van intentionally off the road trying to disorient Martinez.

When the van stopped, Baker-Flugence punched the man in the face, and he jumped out of the vehicle. That's when she reportedly ran over him.

Street smarts rant

There are few things more obnoxious than a person insisting that although they don't have a formal education, they make up for it with their "street smarts." Each person has the right to live their life however they want and I don't think that anyone is better than anyone else based on the extent of their education. My problem is with people that go around insisting that college is "stupid" and that everything they need to know, they learned from "the streets."

What exactly do these "street smarts" consist of? Not walking around late at night in the ghetto holding a big wad of cash? Knowing who to page in order to buy the best crack rocks? Honestly, I would like to see a syllabus.

I'm pretty sure that all you need to know in the way of "street smarts" is don't hang out in shitty parts of town and don't mess with guys with face tattoos. Class dismissed.

As fresh as a bar bathroom floor!

Fructis needs to shell out a little more money on the ink they use to label their shampoo. "Puke clean" doesn't sound very hygienic.