Random things that piss me off:
1. When I hold the door open for someone while entering a restaurant or fast food place and they walk right through and get in line in front of me.
2. Healthy people that are judgmental. I see the disgusted look you are giving me while I sip my 44 ounce mega-soda. Back off - I need it to live.
3. Competitive license plate frames/bumper stickers. "My dog is smarter than your honor student" comes to mind. I saw a license plate frame the other day that said "World's Best Grandma". Oh really? Well step off fool because my grandma's a saint. How do you even go about quantifying a statement like that? What are we basing the title on? Baking skills? Hugging stamina? Overall strength? Physical attractiveness?
That settles it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying a "Best Grandma in the Known Universe" bumper sticker.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Best headline ever
Mom brings rabid bat to school, lets kids touch it
Associated Press - October 7, 2008
About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased.
The mother of two students gave presentations in five classrooms and allowed the kids to touch the dead bat last week. She offered each student who touched the bat a sanitary wipe.
The exposed students will receive six shots of anti-rabies vaccine.
Stevensville Elementary School officials say they will use liability insurance to pay up to $70,000 for the exposed children to be vaccinated. The overall cost could surpass $150,000.
The school has since set a policy requiring that anyone visiting the school obtain a visitor pass.
Associated Press - October 7, 2008
About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased.
The mother of two students gave presentations in five classrooms and allowed the kids to touch the dead bat last week. She offered each student who touched the bat a sanitary wipe.
The exposed students will receive six shots of anti-rabies vaccine.
Stevensville Elementary School officials say they will use liability insurance to pay up to $70,000 for the exposed children to be vaccinated. The overall cost could surpass $150,000.
The school has since set a policy requiring that anyone visiting the school obtain a visitor pass.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Top 5 ethnic groups (+ worst ever)
Woah. I cannot believe that you are reading this post. I wrote this as a joke but obviously the title caught your eye and you were curious to see what my views are. You were probably thinking to yourself "does he hate the same races as me?". The answer to that is a resounding "no" (unless you don't hate any races at all and then my answer would be "yes, I don't hate any races too - except for marathons, those things seem like way too much work").
Anyway, I pride myself as being color blind. Not really color blind, I mean I'm not a freak (sorry to my brother Aaron, my grandpa, and my friends Pete and Jim - I love you all despite your embarrassing handicap). What I mean to say is that I don't see the color of people's skin. You could line up a group of people from all over the world and ask me to identify their color and I would literally answer something like ". . . blue?".
This all reminds me of a joke:
Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?
A: A pilot, you freaking racist.
Looks like somebody needs to take a long hard look at themselves.
Anyway, I pride myself as being color blind. Not really color blind, I mean I'm not a freak (sorry to my brother Aaron, my grandpa, and my friends Pete and Jim - I love you all despite your embarrassing handicap). What I mean to say is that I don't see the color of people's skin. You could line up a group of people from all over the world and ask me to identify their color and I would literally answer something like ". . . blue?".
This all reminds me of a joke:
Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?
A: A pilot, you freaking racist.
Looks like somebody needs to take a long hard look at themselves.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Chuck Norris facts
Okay so I know these have been around forever but I still think they are worth posting. I scoured the intraweb for the best ones so I hope you enjoy.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Riddles
1. The first person made me but did not use me. The second person bought me and sold me. The third person used me but never saw me. What am I?
2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?
3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?
4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?
The answers are posted as a comment.
2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?
3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?
4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?
The answers are posted as a comment.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Hey Crackhead
A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004
Hey Crackhead
Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Matt
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004
Hey Crackhead
Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Matt
*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Technology is not for everyone
Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.
Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:
"Can you reset the Internet for me?"
"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"
"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"
And my personal favorite:
"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)
Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:
"Can you reset the Internet for me?"
"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"
"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"
And my personal favorite:
"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Truly breathtaking*
*Awesome title, I know.
I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.
It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.
I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.
It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)
1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*
Worst: [redacted]*
*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*
Worst: [redacted]*
*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
More pick-up lines
If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.
Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!
Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.
I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.
Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Celine Dion should be drowned
According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!
Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007
A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.
"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.
She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.
A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.
A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.
The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.
If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007
A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.
"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.
She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.
A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.
A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.
The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.
If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Top 5 excuses for neglecting my blog (+ worst ever)
1. Out of the country (Belize and Guatemala)
2. Car problems (clutch burnt out 400 miles from home)
3. Apartment problems (a hole in ceiling, a-hole maintenance person)
4. Out of town (visiting family, wedding, etc.)
5. Enrolling in teaching credential program
Worst: Playing video games
2. Car problems (clutch burnt out 400 miles from home)
3. Apartment problems (a hole in ceiling, a-hole maintenance person)
4. Out of town (visiting family, wedding, etc.)
5. Enrolling in teaching credential program
Worst: Playing video games
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Rat turds
I can't believe you actually typed "rat turds" into the search bar. That is just gross. Just what exactly did you expect to find? A picture of rat turds? A rat turd fan page?! Well sorry to disappoint you, sicko.
Note: If you stumbled upon this post in the More Rants than Raves archives, you are probably confused. Click here for clarification.
Note: If you stumbled upon this post in the More Rants than Raves archives, you are probably confused. Click here for clarification.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
All right, all right, all right
I heard a rumor that Matthew McConaughey's nephew is named after a brand of beer. I thought this was too good to be true but it turns out that it is indeed a fact. According to IMBD Matthew McConaughey's brother "Rooster" named his son "Miller Lyte McConaughey." The site also states that Matthew "doesn't wear deodorant or cologne" and is "afraid of revolving doors." You can't make this stuff up.
Rooster (left) and his famoso bro Mateo (right).
Rooster (left) and his famoso bro Mateo (right).
Saturday, June 21, 2008
There will be links
Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm a blog man you will agree. As a blog man, I hope that you'll forgive just good old fashioned plain-speaking. Over the course of my online career I have been fortunate enough to stumble upon a variety of websites that boggle the mind and stimulate the soul. It is my intention to post links to these sites for you fine people to peruse at your convenience. I will post this list of links on the upper left side of this blog and I will update them as I see fit. It is my hope that by viewing these sites you will find entertainment and enjoyment beyond compare. Happy hunting.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
3 words: hi nik kin
My 30th birthday is this weekend and my better half is throwing me a party. Friends and family are coming over for video games, horseshoes, pool basketball, cake, and a Heineken keg. I can't wait. The last time I was drinking off a Heineken keg my brothers and I stayed up all night and ended up spraying down the neighborhood with a fire extinguisher.
Monday, May 19, 2008
The mark of the beast
I went to Baker's fast food today and my order came out to an even $6.66. I'm not really religious but I will say that there is something quite unsettling about getting handed a scrap of paper with Satan's signature on it while preparing to feast on the delicious flesh of a slaughtered calf.
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