Sunday, May 06, 2012

Top 5 unhealthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips (w/Onion Dip)
2. Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich
3. Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese (w/Ritz Crackers)
4. Mother's Circus Animal Cookies
5. Hostess Orange CupCakes

Worst: Peeps

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Friday, May 04, 2012

Top 5 healthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Jack Link's Original Beef Jerkey
2. CowPals Light String Cheese
3. Triscuit Reduced Fat Crackers
4. Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Cereal (w/skim milk)
5. Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffins (w/Just Fruit jam)

Worst: Banana Power Bar

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

Mini-rants

1. It sucks when your laptop dies because you forgot to plug in both sides of the cord (it's plugged into the laptop or the wall, not both).

2. They should change the name of the "world famous" radio station KROQ to GDFF, because all they play is Green Day and Foo Fighters.

3. I hate it when people won't accept payment for an item when you're a penny short. Like when you try to buy something that costs $5.01 with a five dollar bill, and the checker won't budge until you pull out another dollar. I'm like, "get real, dude."

4. What's the deal with all the jerks walking around in the world? I mean, why do they have so be such jerks?!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Five o'clock rant

I have a real problem with the phrase, "it's five o'clock somewhere." Allow me to explain.

First of all, in order for the statement to be accurate, it can only be made on the hour.  The logic of this seems lost on most people.  Consider the popular country song "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," by Alan Jackson. The chorus goes, "It's only half-past twelve but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere." Sorry A-Jax (nickname patent pending), it's actually five thirty somewhere.  And also, you're an idiot.

Secondly, if you want to have a drink before five, just do it and shut yer yap. I guarantee that anyone who'll judge you for getting sloshed during the day won't be swayed by your proclamation that that it's drinkin' time in Guam.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The jig is up

According to a recent Marest Poll, the most popular location for U.S. adults to hide money is in their freezer.

Out of the 1,080 people surveyed, 27% said they hide their money in their freezer, 19% said they stash it inside a sock, 11% said they have money in their mattress, and 10% said they keep cash in their cookie jar (which sounds extremely unsanitary).

Where do you stash your cash?  Leave an (anonymous) comment!

Friday, April 13, 2012

I was duped

Happy Friday the 13th!
(Remember to avoid people with hockey masks and knives today.)

It's kind of crazy that we have two fake holidays this month.  I should take this time to say that I'm sorry about my April Fools' Day prank. I know some of you went out and spent your life savings because of it.

It may make you feel better to know that I was tricked as well. While looking for blog-worthy material on the Internet I came across a concept car being debuted at the New York Auto Show.  MINI Cooper introduced their "Yachtsman" amphibious vehicle, and I was just about to write a post about it (and how much I wanted one).  After doing a little more research I discovered that it was an April Fools' hoax.  Apparently the MINI Cooper company went so far as to issue a false press release, construct a fake version of the vehicle, and showcase it in the auto show.  Awesome!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 5 fast-casual restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. Chipotle Mexican Grill
2. Daphne's Greek Cafe
3. Miguel's Jr.
4. Panda Express
5. Wahoo's Fish Taco

Worst: Quiznos

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Performance art

N.D. family loses a friend they never met
United Press International - April 8, 2012

A years-long mystery ended for a North Dakota family when they learned "Jim," who sent them post cards as if they were close friends, had picked them at random.

For the Olson family of Turtle Lake, the sad part was finding out that "Jim" was Jim Moore of Mankato, Minn., a complete stranger who started sending them post cards seven years ago, had died, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Sunday.

Fed up with only receiving bills and coupons in the mail, Moore had come to realize he missed receiving real, handwritten letters. So he got on the Internet and picked a random Midwestern town, and a random last name: Olson. So began his one-sided correspondence with Stan and Sheila Olson.

The Olsons would receive a postcard about three times a year, which was vague enough to make them think Jim was someone they had met before. The messages were brief, such as:

"Was in Paris and saw Francois and Emilie. They send their regards."

Sheila, 52, kept all of Jim's postcards in a box and soon friends and relatives were asking after Jim.

"Our kids have really grown up with this," she told the Star Tribune. "He wrote like he knew us. That was what was so funny."

In January, Moore, 38, passed away from complications of bile duct cancer. Moore's friend, Andrew Reeves, wrote to the Olsons to explain the postcards.

"Sadly, the art exhibition has closed," Reeves' note concluded. "No more postcards from Jim will randomly appear in the mail."

Sheila wrote back to give Reeves her condolences, and explain to him how Jim's postcards gave her family something to smile about.

"My dad had a quirky sense of humor, too," she said. "If he were alive, he would have tried this himself."

Friday, April 06, 2012

Happy spring!

Artist Steve Wheen turns ugly potholes into beautiful miniature gardens. Here are some of my favorite photos from his "guerrilla gardening" blog The Pothole Gardener.





Monday, April 02, 2012

Eww de Toilette

While going through airport security a few days ago, the guy in front of me was told that he couldn't bring his cologne on the plane. Then things got weird.

In a desperate attempt to "fight the power," the man proceeded to douse himself with the remainder of his bottle. I am not exaggerating when I say that he sprayed himself at least 80 times. Cologne was running down his face, neck, and chest as he struggled to eek out every last drop of fluid. Everyone in line tried to avoid eye contact with him, but it was clear that he saw himself as some kind of working man's hero. I honestly think he was expecting to be hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow travelers, smiling victoriously as people cheered him on for sticking it to The Man.

Here's a clandestine photo I snapped of the perfumed perpetrator with his stench spray. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to him on his flight!

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Congratulations!

You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).



*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping
United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Party like a patron saint

Check out the email ad I got from Dave and Buster's, encouraging me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at one of their fine establishments.



Dude, St. Patrick was the bomb! No one partied harder than him. Sure, those rave kids at the bottom of the ad look pretty cool, but they gots nothin' on jolly old Saint Pat. He was a slave for six years and then went on to become an ordained bishop. How could anyone have more fun than that?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Monday, March 12, 2012

"One in a million" rant

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock, at the time of this writing there are approximately 7,000,086,975 people on planet Earth. This means that when someone tells you that you're "one in a million," what they're actually saying is that there are 6,999 other people in the world who are exactly like you in every way.

I propose that from now on everyone should say, "you're one in seven billion eighty-six thousand nine hundred seventy-five." I admit it isn't as catchy, but at least it's a compliment.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Ultimate collector's items

Type: Comic Book
Title: Action Comics No. 1
Value: $2.16 million

This comic features the first appearance of Superman. The near-pristine copy pictured below was stolen from actor Nicolas Cage in 2000. It was recovered in 2011 by a man who had bought the contents of an abandoned storage locker in San Fernando Valley.



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Item: Baseball Card
Title: Honus Wagner T206
Value: $2.80 million

Production of the card was stopped quickly and only a few made it into circulation. Wagner refused to allow production of his baseball card because he didn't want children to buy cigarette packs in order to get it. The card is referred to as the "Gretzky Honus Wagner" because it was once owned by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.



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Item: Coin
Title: 1933 Gold Double Eagle
Value: $7.59 million

All of these coins were supposed to be destroyed when Roosevelt took America off the gold standard. A Mint cashier secretly switched a handful of them with earlier dated Double Eagles before they were melted down.



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Item: Postage Stamp
Title: Treskilling Yellow
Value: $7.87 million

Printed in Sweden in 1855, this stamp is the only one of its kind. It is said to have been found by a Swedish schoolboy in 1885 among a pile of letters left by his grandparents. The stamp was supposed to be green, but was printed yellow by mistake. The tiny stamp (weighing just 0.03 grams) is thought to be the most valuable thing in existence by weight and volume.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Fashion rant

Last week while watching the Oscars I saw actress Missi Pyle talking about her "eco-friendly" dress. At first I thought her outfit looked pretty good considering it was probably made from old soup cans, kitchen sponges, and dirty diapers. Then she revealed that what made her gown so "earth friendly" is that is was made with "cruelty-free silkworms." I shit you not. She assured viewers that no silkworms were harmed in the making of her dress.

When I heard this, my face made the exact same expression as the woman on the left of this photo. I'm just glad that the silkworms finally reached a collective bargaining agreement and can get back to work. I heard it got so bad that they couldn't even afford to buy the silk sheets they work so hard to produce.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

You can't make this stuff up

Man shot twice as he tries to shoot caged raccoon
Associated Press - February 27, 2012

A rural Redfield man is being treated for two gunshot wounds after an attempt to shoot a raccoon caught in a live trap backfired.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources says 68-year-old Larry Godwin was using a 22-caliber handgun to shoot the caged raccoon at around 11 a.m. Saturday when the bullet ricocheted off the cage and struck him in the lower abdomen on the right side. He dropped the gun and it fired again, shooting him again in about the same spot.

He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Des Moines by private vehicle.

The DNR says the injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

Friday, February 24, 2012

World's tiniest dude

A 72 year old guy from Katmandu is hoping to claim the Guinness record for being the world's shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi is 22 inches tall (about the height of an infant)! Until recently he had never left his village and did not know that he was the smallest man on earth.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Foodie rant

It drives me crazy when people refer to themselves as "foodies." I get it, you really like food. Do you know who else likes food? Everyone on the freaking planet (with the exception of the idiot that I posted about yesterday). Again people, and I really can't stress this enough, you need food to live!