What doesn't happen when you're drunk?

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing
BBC News - April 17, 2008

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.

Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.

He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.

Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.

"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.

'We were drinking'

Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.

The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.

At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.

After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.

Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".

His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Joke recommender

A professor at UC Berkley has designed a website that uses a computer algorithm to recommend jokes to people based on their ratings of previous jokes. Go to eigentaste.berkeley.edu to check it out. I know this is hard to read but I really wanted to post in yellow!

My Xbox Live gamercard

I've been busy breaking in my new Xbox and I thought I would post my gamercard for all to see. This nifty little widget shows the games I'm currently playing, along with my gamer photo, my achievement points and my video game moniker: Pigbutt McGee. If you have a 360 make sure to add me as a friend so we can meet up online and shoot some punk teenagers!

Hobo chic

The new season of ANTM (America's Next Top Model) is off to a nice start. Tonight's episode featured a homeless photo shoot. Tyra had her model minions pose as derelicts while actual homeless people slouched in the background. The best part is that Tyra dressed up the homeless people in high fashion clothing for the shoot, giving them a small taste of the good life before kicking their collective asses (back) to the curb.

After the shoot she congratulated the models for raising social awareness about homelessness by posing for these pictures. I could almost see the shock and horror on people's faces all across America as they came to the realization that homeless people do in fact exist. Job well done Tyra. Job well done.

I knew it!

I'm sorry

To my devoted readers: I am so sorry I let you down. I know that you rely on this blog for distraction and procrastination and I have not updated it for over a month. You see, I got everything on my Christmas list and started a new job all within the same week. This killer combination of responsibility and video games left me with no time to update my sites.

After a while I started to get complaints (which was sort of nice since it means that people are actually reading this thing) and I realized the error of my ways. I promise to make time to update this blog, regardless of how many other responsibilities I undertake. After all, I need some distraction and procrastination too.

I searched the internet to find an appropriate card for the occasion. Thanks to dgreetings.com for articulating what I could not say.

Saved by Saved by the Bell

I used to love to watch Saved by the Bell when I was younger. Now I realize that it is probably the most important television program in history. The lessons that I learned from this show are invaluable. The video excerpt below is just one little nugget extracted from the voluminous archives of this classic show. If I had never seen Jessie Spano's struggle with caffeine pills I would probably have ended up on a street corner somewhere turning tricks for Vivarin.

I got game(s)

I have been obsessed with video games for so long I almost forgot my roots! I've loved to play board games since I was little and have a amassed a pretty good collection over the years. I recently dusted them off and put them on display so that the next time we have company I can bust 'em out.

Hobosexual

The urban word of the day today is "hobosexual."

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ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj the opposite of metrosexual; one who cares little for
one's own appearance.

Examples: Michael Moore, Peter Jackson.
First documented hobosexual - John the Baptist.
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While I am excited to see that the hobo is finding his place in pop culture, I have to disagree with this definition. I would argue that hobo fashion is on its way to making a comeback. Don't be surprised when in 2010 you see people sporting patchy coats, fat wrinkled ties and blown out top hats.

You may also want to consider some of the other definitions from the Urban Dictionary. My personal favorite is below.

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ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj to be sexually aroused by homeless people.

Example: "Heather you are a hobosexual because you have
sex with homeless people."
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I fear that poor Heather is in need of some serious counseling.

Duty calls

So, it is time once again that I engage in the age old American tradition that our forefathers fought and died for. I am speaking of course of the tradition of avoiding jury duty. I have done this successfully in the past but it seems that this time the man has tracked me down. Since I do not have the $250-$1000 required to pay the fine, I fear that I must go.

I called the number on my (second) jury notice today and was confronted with one of those annoying robotic voice prompts that is supposed to respond to whatever you say into your phone receiver. Of course these things never work and I always end up verbally abusing the poor computer voice. This time, however, I was routed to a Spanish speaking robot. Words cannot convey the joy I felt at the realization that my Spanish speaking skills were still strong enough to give that robotic beyotch a piece of my mind.

The Downward Spiral of Deepening Alienation

Image taken from When Corporations Rule The World by David C. Korten.

I know that posting this right on top of my Christmas list may not make sense but what can I say? Ryan Danger Sims is a complicated man.

Dear Santa

A lie told well

A good friend of mine has created a blog that combines his two foremost skills, quick wit and written verbosity, into a slightly offensive (yet undeniably funny) cocktail that's sure to please. His name is Colonel Gentleman and his blog tells his story. Visit alietoldwell.blogspot.com to learn more.

Is Gmail calling me ugly?

I am not too sure about the ads that have been appearing in my email account lately. Gmail's website says that these ads have been chosen specifically for me because they contain "content relevant to (my) specific interests." The following advertisements were displayed next to an email I wrote today. Am I crazy or is Gmail making fun of me?

Top 5 band names (+ worst ever)

1. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
2. Rage Against the Machine
3. Sonic Youth
4. The Band
5. Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Worst: Hoobastank

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Those crazy Vytorin ads

Whenever I see a commercial for Vytorin I don't know weather to laugh or cry. My theory about these ads is that, in order to save money, the company raided a nursing home and tricked the old people into being in their ads for free.

I can see it now: "Hey Turkey Face, look alive!", "Egg Eyes, put that hat back on or no pills for you!" I think that Taco Lady is my favorite because her outfit is such an obvious stretch. They must have been like, "We can't find anyone who looks like a taco so let's make a hat that looks like one and throw it on that woman's head."

Movie mistakes

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) has a section that reveals all of the mistakes or "goofs" that can be found in popular movies. Click here to visit the site and search for mistakes in your favorite flicks.

Update (1/21/11): Unfortunately IMDb has removed it's "goofs" page. Click here to see another archive of movie mistakes.

Top 5 types of cheese (+ worst ever)

1. Cambozola
2. St. André
3. Boursin (original flavor)
4. Feta
5. Extra sharp cheddar

Worst: London Fog

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Famous people I have met

(ranked by how nice they were to me)

Tony Hawk - I approached him while I was working at an Apple store and tried to sell him a copy of the video game: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice.

Lyle Alzado - My dad played football with him and he used to come over to my house for dinner when I was a wee tike. I don't remember this but my parents say he was cool.

Mark Z. Danielewski - When he signed my copy of House of Leaves I told him to make it out to eBay. I am not sure that he knew I was joking but he was pretty nice about it.

Ralph Nader - I asked him for career advice and he suggested volunteer work. I can't survive off of self-satisfaction alone, Ralph.

Mark Hoppus - Sold him and his wife a computer. This "tough guy" from Blink 182 made me do all the heavy lifting and didn't even give me a tip.

Chali 2na - I met him when he was in Jurrasic 5 (pre-Ozomatli). He wasn't that cool but I got him to sign the back of my driver's license, making it an interesting conversation piece.

Beck - Beck refused to talk to me and had his security guards remove me from his sight. Okay, I did pretend like I was with the band and snuck backstage, but who knew Beck's such a hater?

If you have met anyone in the public eye and want to share a story please add a comment to this post.

Everyone loves a good bigfoot sighting

Pa. hunter's images stir Bigfoot debate
Associated Press - October 28, 2007



It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.

Rick Jacobs says he got the pictures from a camera with an automatic trigger that he fastened to a tree in the Allegheny National Forest, about 115 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, hoping to photograph deer.

"We couldn't figure out what they were," Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. "I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this."

He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada.

"It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.

However, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has a more conventional opinion. Agency spokesman Jerry Feaser said conservation officers routinely trap bears to be tagged and often see animals that look like the photos.

"There is no question it is a bear with a severe case of mange," Feaser told The Bradford Era.




It's good to see that Harry is alive and well. I wonder if the photographer baited him with a delicious McDonald's fish sandwich. . . .