Peru's top court says drunk workers can't be fired
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 15, 2009
Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.
The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.
The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.
Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Top 5 types of doughnuts (+ worst ever)
1. Strawberry Frosted
2. Glazed Old Fashioned
3. Glazed Jelly Filled
4. Glazed Twist Bar
5. Chocolate Frosted Bar
Worst: Anything with coconut shavings on top
Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!
2. Glazed Old Fashioned
3. Glazed Jelly Filled
4. Glazed Twist Bar
5. Chocolate Frosted Bar
Worst: Anything with coconut shavings on top
Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
My “master teacher” is a fascist
As a part of my teaching credential program I am assigned to a “master teacher” who is supposed coach me in the art of teaching. I attend this person’s elementary school class every day for 10 weeks to observe and eventually teach. Unfortunately, I have been charged to study under a horrible devil-woman that runs her kindergarten class like a concentration camp.
The children in the classroom are forced to spend the majority of their day sitting on the floor inside of taped off 18” x 18” squares. They are told to face forward with their legs crossed, hands in their laps. They are not supposed to talk or giggle and under no circumstances are they ever to make any type of physical contact with the students sitting in adjacent squares.
Unfortunately since the squares are barely large enough to contain their bodies, boundaries are often crossed. When this happens the teacher scolds the children by saying, “Oh my guh-nessss” (with a hissing sound at the end, like an evil snake-beast). She then takes away their recess.
It’s no wonder she hides the scissors – the suicide rate in her class would be off the charts.
The children in the classroom are forced to spend the majority of their day sitting on the floor inside of taped off 18” x 18” squares. They are told to face forward with their legs crossed, hands in their laps. They are not supposed to talk or giggle and under no circumstances are they ever to make any type of physical contact with the students sitting in adjacent squares.
Unfortunately since the squares are barely large enough to contain their bodies, boundaries are often crossed. When this happens the teacher scolds the children by saying, “Oh my guh-nessss” (with a hissing sound at the end, like an evil snake-beast). She then takes away their recess.
It’s no wonder she hides the scissors – the suicide rate in her class would be off the charts.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The "Cruzin Cooler"
Check this out. For $399 you can get a cooler/electric scooter hybrid that goes up to 13 miles per hour. The best part is the "drink lid access" which allows you to reach in and grab a beer while driving the scooter. Brilliant! I know that I would look like a complete idiot riding on the thing, but I still want one.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Scottish joke
An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"
He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"
He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"
Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep. . . ."
He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"
He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"
Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep. . . ."
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A great quote
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." - Ernest Hemingway
Friday, January 16, 2009
Email forward rant
While I am against all forms of email forwards there are a few types in particular that really get my goat.
1. Feelgood Forwards - Check out these photos of cute, cuddly kittens and enjoy some inspirational quotes. Now, send this to 20 people or you will die a horrible death.
2. Opinion Forwards - Looking for a quick way to destroy a perfectly good relationship? Simply send the person a forward expressing your political views and/or religious ideology. If this doesn't work you can always try sending along some sexist or racist jokes.
3. Mean Forwards - Listen up people because I'm only gonna say this once: It is not cool to make fun of people that are overweight. It wasn't funny in second grade and it isn't funny now, so stop circulating photos of large people in small swimsuits. I am pretty sure that these people get enough shit in their everyday lives and don't need to be mocked via email.
4. Friendly Forwards - The best way to tell someone that you value their friendship is to send them a long, rambling story about an inspiring teacher or a dying child's last wish. Especially if it is written by someone you never met and you suspect it to be fictitious. It also should be noted that sending these forwards does not count as "keeping in touch."
1. Feelgood Forwards - Check out these photos of cute, cuddly kittens and enjoy some inspirational quotes. Now, send this to 20 people or you will die a horrible death.
2. Opinion Forwards - Looking for a quick way to destroy a perfectly good relationship? Simply send the person a forward expressing your political views and/or religious ideology. If this doesn't work you can always try sending along some sexist or racist jokes.
3. Mean Forwards - Listen up people because I'm only gonna say this once: It is not cool to make fun of people that are overweight. It wasn't funny in second grade and it isn't funny now, so stop circulating photos of large people in small swimsuits. I am pretty sure that these people get enough shit in their everyday lives and don't need to be mocked via email.
4. Friendly Forwards - The best way to tell someone that you value their friendship is to send them a long, rambling story about an inspiring teacher or a dying child's last wish. Especially if it is written by someone you never met and you suspect it to be fictitious. It also should be noted that sending these forwards does not count as "keeping in touch."
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tiny meth heads
I started my student teaching assignment this week in a Kindergarten class. After observing the six-year-olds in action I have come to a disturbing conclusion: Kindergartners are like tiny meth heads. Think about it. They're filthy, they're missing teeth, they have an overwhelming amount of energy and you can't understand half of what they say.
Yesterday my master teacher had to ask a kid to stop staring at the sun. Later that day the same kid took a break from chewing a chunk of carpet long enough to declare to the class that he could "run fast, like a dinosaur cheetah." Tell me he doesn't sound strung out.
Still not convinced? Consider a conversation I overheard today between two students. Let's call them Billy and Matt.
Billy: "My dad is taller than your dad."
Matt: "No he's not. My dad is gigantic."
Billy: "Oh yeah? Well, my dad is a monster. He can turn into a shark and go after your dad."
Matt: "My dad has a gun and can shoot your dad and kill him."
I rest my case.
Yesterday my master teacher had to ask a kid to stop staring at the sun. Later that day the same kid took a break from chewing a chunk of carpet long enough to declare to the class that he could "run fast, like a dinosaur cheetah." Tell me he doesn't sound strung out.
Still not convinced? Consider a conversation I overheard today between two students. Let's call them Billy and Matt.
Billy: "My dad is taller than your dad."
Matt: "No he's not. My dad is gigantic."
Billy: "Oh yeah? Well, my dad is a monster. He can turn into a shark and go after your dad."
Matt: "My dad has a gun and can shoot your dad and kill him."
I rest my case.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Caption contest
Police seek blow-up doll sex bandit
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 7, 2009
An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday.
"It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.
"He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.
Okay ladies and gentlemen. It is time for More Rants than Raves' first caption contest! Here's how it works. I post a crazy news article and/or photo on this blog. Then, readers like you submit a caption (or captions) describing the article/photo. Go ahead and submit your caption now by clicking on the "comments" link below!
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 7, 2009
An Australian man broke into three adult shops, had sex with blow up dolls named "Jungle Jane" and then dumped his plastic conquests in a nearby alley, local media reported Wednesday."It's totally bizarre. It's a real concern that someone like that is out on the street," said one of the owners of the adult sex shops in Cairns in northern Queensland state.
"He has been taking the dolls out the back and blowing them up and using the dolls and leaving them in the alley," the owner, who gave the name of Vogue, told the Cairns Post newspaper.
Okay ladies and gentlemen. It is time for More Rants than Raves' first caption contest! Here's how it works. I post a crazy news article and/or photo on this blog. Then, readers like you submit a caption (or captions) describing the article/photo. Go ahead and submit your caption now by clicking on the "comments" link below!
Friday, January 09, 2009
Techno wizardry
Feast your eyes on the worst/best music video ever made. Don't watch it too many times or you will become hypnotized and actually start to love the song. Trust me, I speak from experience.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
The first annual Douche Bag Awards
The following post was composed by guest writer, Mrs. Sims.
The dictionary defines the term “douche bag” as: 1). A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons; 2). A jerk; a mean or rude person; an idiot or dim-witted individual; a person who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, and behaves ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.
The world seems so full of douche bags these days that it is difficult to determine which of them deserve formal recognition. However, with the help of Mr. Sims, I have made the necessary critical decisions. It is time now to look back on 2008 and acknowledge each of these "men" with a Douche Bag Award, otherwise known as a “Mateo.”
Though the Mateos are not as prestigious as, say, the Oscars, I feel that the award communicates something even more important about its recipients. The following is a list of our picks for top five douche bags of 2008.
5. The Donald
Trump is what I like to call an old school douche bag. He was being a dick and gold plating his toilet seats before most of you reading this blog were even born. Trump causes women to become bulimic just by looking at them.
4. Jeff Probst
Not only is he condescending and insanely conceited, Probst also has a very limited vocabulary. For the past eight years of “Survivor,” Probst has introduced immunity challenges using the exact same phrasing: “Immunity: back up for grabs.” I have willed him to say something, anything, else but he will not use synonyms or any expression other than “up for grabs.” Probst is more interested in showcasing his own dimples, of which he is extremely fond, than in being a good TV host.
3. Joe Francis
Need I explain? This is the genius behind “Girls Gone Wild,” which, I believe, will always be remembered as the video series that marked the beginning of the apocalypse. Not only is this guy wrong on so many levels but, to top it off, he also dated the devil, or as she is more commonly known, Paris Hilton.
2. Jayden Smith
This kid is as spoiled as rotten milk. I’m not sure if Will Smith actually believes that arrogance is a virtue, but he sure seems to be proud that his son is growing up to be the most self-important, affected kid in Hollywood. Oh but wait, have you seen how talented young Jayden is? Oh my! And he doesn’t even have any technical training. Yeah, I’m sure he really earned a leading film role in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and his parentage has nothing to do with it. If Jada and Will were more concerned with the fact that their son now believes that the word happiness is spelled with a “y” and less focused on cultivating an ego that is too large for Jayden’s small body, the world would be a better place.
1. Spencer Pratt
If this “The Hills” actor(?) has a soul, it is as pale and unclean as the facial skirt he calls a beard. Spencer’s vicious idiocy is painful to watch. What kind of person marries his girlfriend, whom he also manages, as a publicity stunt? MTV must be proud to have a true diva back on the airwaves, but if this catty bitch doesn’t get knocked down to size soon, God help us all.
Honorable Mention: Summer’s Eve
I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Mario Lopez on this list? While AC Slater is a moderate douche bag, he technically falls under the category of “tool” or “grade A beefcake,” which earns him an entirely different award.
M-Lo
Special Category DBs
The following douche bags have been awarded category-specific acknowledgment.
Super Sleazy DB: Pat O’Brien
Likable DB: Dane Cook
“Musician” DB: Kid Rock
Roided Out DB: Carrot Top
Cheating DB: Charlie Sheen
On the Verge of being a DB DB: William Shatner
Feel free to add your own nominations as a comment. All douche bag nominees will be considered for the Douche Bag Lifetime Achievement Award.
The dictionary defines the term “douche bag” as: 1). A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons; 2). A jerk; a mean or rude person; an idiot or dim-witted individual; a person who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, and behaves ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.
The world seems so full of douche bags these days that it is difficult to determine which of them deserve formal recognition. However, with the help of Mr. Sims, I have made the necessary critical decisions. It is time now to look back on 2008 and acknowledge each of these "men" with a Douche Bag Award, otherwise known as a “Mateo.”
Though the Mateos are not as prestigious as, say, the Oscars, I feel that the award communicates something even more important about its recipients. The following is a list of our picks for top five douche bags of 2008.
5. The Donald
Trump is what I like to call an old school douche bag. He was being a dick and gold plating his toilet seats before most of you reading this blog were even born. Trump causes women to become bulimic just by looking at them.
4. Jeff Probst
Not only is he condescending and insanely conceited, Probst also has a very limited vocabulary. For the past eight years of “Survivor,” Probst has introduced immunity challenges using the exact same phrasing: “Immunity: back up for grabs.” I have willed him to say something, anything, else but he will not use synonyms or any expression other than “up for grabs.” Probst is more interested in showcasing his own dimples, of which he is extremely fond, than in being a good TV host.
3. Joe Francis
Need I explain? This is the genius behind “Girls Gone Wild,” which, I believe, will always be remembered as the video series that marked the beginning of the apocalypse. Not only is this guy wrong on so many levels but, to top it off, he also dated the devil, or as she is more commonly known, Paris Hilton.
2. Jayden Smith
This kid is as spoiled as rotten milk. I’m not sure if Will Smith actually believes that arrogance is a virtue, but he sure seems to be proud that his son is growing up to be the most self-important, affected kid in Hollywood. Oh but wait, have you seen how talented young Jayden is? Oh my! And he doesn’t even have any technical training. Yeah, I’m sure he really earned a leading film role in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and his parentage has nothing to do with it. If Jada and Will were more concerned with the fact that their son now believes that the word happiness is spelled with a “y” and less focused on cultivating an ego that is too large for Jayden’s small body, the world would be a better place.
1. Spencer Pratt
If this “The Hills” actor(?) has a soul, it is as pale and unclean as the facial skirt he calls a beard. Spencer’s vicious idiocy is painful to watch. What kind of person marries his girlfriend, whom he also manages, as a publicity stunt? MTV must be proud to have a true diva back on the airwaves, but if this catty bitch doesn’t get knocked down to size soon, God help us all.
Honorable Mention: Summer’s Eve
I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Mario Lopez on this list? While AC Slater is a moderate douche bag, he technically falls under the category of “tool” or “grade A beefcake,” which earns him an entirely different award.
M-Lo
Special Category DBs
The following douche bags have been awarded category-specific acknowledgment.
Super Sleazy DB: Pat O’Brien
Likable DB: Dane Cook
“Musician” DB: Kid Rock
Roided Out DB: Carrot Top
Cheating DB: Charlie Sheen
On the Verge of being a DB DB: William Shatner
Feel free to add your own nominations as a comment. All douche bag nominees will be considered for the Douche Bag Lifetime Achievement Award.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Are you a racist?
In one of my classes last year I was given a test to determine weather or not I was a racist. This might seem odd, but that's just because you don't know my crazy-ass teacher. Anyway, out of the 30 people in my class I was one of only two students that "passed" (that is to say my results showed that I do not have any racial bias). The problem is that the rest of the class failed.
Needless to say, everyone freaked out and the class dissolved into chaos as each person attempted to explain the test's flaws and inaccuracies. The best excuse came from my teacher (who's results stated that she was moderately racist). She said that the test was biased because she is left-handed. In her defense, the test was designed by scientists from only four major universities (including Harvard and Yale) and is funded by the so-called "National Institute of Mental Health." Everyone knows that those organizations are dubious and biased against lefties.
If you would like to take the test for yourself simply click the link below. When you are routed to a new page click the link that says "I wish to proceed" (at the bottom right). Finally, click on the test entitled "Race IAT*" and get ready to start making excuses.
*The site offers a bunch of other interesting tests as well.
Needless to say, everyone freaked out and the class dissolved into chaos as each person attempted to explain the test's flaws and inaccuracies. The best excuse came from my teacher (who's results stated that she was moderately racist). She said that the test was biased because she is left-handed. In her defense, the test was designed by scientists from only four major universities (including Harvard and Yale) and is funded by the so-called "National Institute of Mental Health." Everyone knows that those organizations are dubious and biased against lefties.
If you would like to take the test for yourself simply click the link below. When you are routed to a new page click the link that says "I wish to proceed" (at the bottom right). Finally, click on the test entitled "Race IAT*" and get ready to start making excuses.
*The site offers a bunch of other interesting tests as well.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Everything must go!
It's the end of 2008 and it's time to clear out all of my old blog ideas. I keep a running list of potential posts and in order to prepare for the new year I have decided to compile them all together and post them here for your entertainment pleasure.
Lemming suicide is fiction
Contrary to popular belief, lemmings don't commit suicide by running off of cliffs. The myth was created by a Disney filmmaker that herded them off of a cliff for a nature "documentary."
Kid Rock is a joke
Watch as one man systematically destroys Kid Rock's latest music video.
GOOG-411
Free 411 from any phone. This service will also send you a text message with the number and address of any business.
The new thing
The Whitest Kids You Know have started a trend. I am definitely trying this out the next time I hang out with a group of friends.
Lemming suicide is fiction
Contrary to popular belief, lemmings don't commit suicide by running off of cliffs. The myth was created by a Disney filmmaker that herded them off of a cliff for a nature "documentary."
Kid Rock is a joke
Watch as one man systematically destroys Kid Rock's latest music video.
GOOG-411
Free 411 from any phone. This service will also send you a text message with the number and address of any business.
The new thing
The Whitest Kids You Know have started a trend. I am definitely trying this out the next time I hang out with a group of friends.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Yet another joke
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the driver, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were going to say, "I wish that cop would have tried that shit with me!"
"Ow!" says the driver, "Why'd you do that?"
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."
The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.
"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."
"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.
"Two miles down the road, you were going to say, "I wish that cop would have tried that shit with me!"
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
More riddles
1. Two fathers and two sons go fishing. Each of them catches one fish but they bring home only three fish. Why?
2. Everyone removes their hat for me. Who am I?
3. I am black when bought, red when used and gray when discarded. What am I?
4. I belong to you, but most often I am used by others. What am I?
The answers are posted as a comment.
2. Everyone removes their hat for me. Who am I?
3. I am black when bought, red when used and gray when discarded. What am I?
4. I belong to you, but most often I am used by others. What am I?
The answers are posted as a comment.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Life immitates art
Okay people, we have a problem. Exactly one day after I posted the joke about the alligator in the bar, the following article came out in the news:
Man arrives at bar with pet alligator; Cops called
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 13, 2008
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. – Heard the one about the guy who walked into a bar with an alligator? At Johnny's Saloon in Orange County, it was more than a joke early Saturday when a man arrived with his 3-foot pet gator on a leash.
By the time police and animal control officers arrived at Johnny's, the gator was in the man's vehicle in the parking lot. Officers followed him home, where another alligator was found, animal control spokesman Ryan Drabek said.
Both alligators were impounded and were being held Wednesday pending an investigation by the Department of Fish and Game, Drabek said.
I don't know which of my readers was in Huntington Beach yesterday but I feel that I must express my concern. Please do not attempt to imitate anything posted on this blog. I do not want to be responsible for anyone's junk being bitten off by an alligator, or a squirrel for that matter (see post Would you rather . . .). I am starting to see a pretty disturbing theme developing within my blog.
Man arrives at bar with pet alligator; Cops called
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 13, 2008
HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. – Heard the one about the guy who walked into a bar with an alligator? At Johnny's Saloon in Orange County, it was more than a joke early Saturday when a man arrived with his 3-foot pet gator on a leash.
By the time police and animal control officers arrived at Johnny's, the gator was in the man's vehicle in the parking lot. Officers followed him home, where another alligator was found, animal control spokesman Ryan Drabek said.
Both alligators were impounded and were being held Wednesday pending an investigation by the Department of Fish and Game, Drabek said.
I don't know which of my readers was in Huntington Beach yesterday but I feel that I must express my concern. Please do not attempt to imitate anything posted on this blog. I do not want to be responsible for anyone's junk being bitten off by an alligator, or a squirrel for that matter (see post Would you rather . . .). I am starting to see a pretty disturbing theme developing within my blog.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Bar joke
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and put my balls inside, leave 'em there for five minutes, then remove 'em unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and puts his balls into the alligator's mouth. The gator then closes his mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of his head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a guy in the bar speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of his head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a guy in the bar speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
Sunday, November 09, 2008
My gift to you
Looking for a gift that will knock the socks off of your loved ones this holiday season? I present to you the perfect present: a poster of everyone’s favorite cheeseburger-inhaling alcoholic, David Hasselhoff. He is selling posters of himself on his website and as you can see from this example, they are pretty dang sweet.
Click here to check out the whole assortment.
Click here to check out the whole assortment.
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