Gate rant

Okay, so you know those gates that guard "gated communities" like apartment complexes and condos? I have an opinion about those gates.

Let's say you are going to rob a house.* The gates are not a deterrent. All you would have to do is wait in your moving van until some sucker comes along to enter the code and let you in. Imagine, however, how stressful it would be to have to wait for someone to enter a code to let you out. Configuring the gates this way would also be better for emergencies. Usually emergency responders have to manually pull the gates open, wasting precious seconds or even minutes. If the gates opened without a code on the way in, there would be no delay in treatment.

*Note to current and future employers: This is a hypothetical situation. I have no intention of committing grand larceny. I may consider petty larceny if I can't afford to buy food, but really employer, whose fault is that?

I've been living a lie

Like anyone with half a brain, I've devoted my entire life to following my horoscope. Every morning I check my forecast and strictly adhere to every warning and suggestion. Imagine my horror then when I discovered that I've been following the wrong instructions! Apparently, in the 3,000 years since the start of astrology, the Earth's tilt has changed. I've been skipping through life thinking I was a weird schizophrenic man-twin (Gemini) when I am in fact a moderately priced mid-sized sedan (Taurus).

While I'm shocked that the scientific geniuses who follow astrology didn't figure this out sooner, I'm happy to be finally living my life according to my true path. Check out the new horoscope dates.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

Pisces: March 11- April 18

Aries: April 18- May 13

Taurus: May 13- June 21

Gemini: June 21- July 20

Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Here are my (old and new) life instructions for today according to horoscope.com. Click the image if you would like to make it larger.

If I hadn't learned my correct sign I'd be spending my day talking with friends and sharing a romantic evening with my partner like a sucker. Instead I'm off to buy a bunch of crap to decorate my apartment and adopt a pack of wayward pit bulls!

Guinness rant

If I had a Guinness for every time somebody told me that drinking Guinness "weighs them down," or that they can only drink one or two because they "get too full" I would be dead (from alcohol poisoning). Guinness Draught has only 125 calories per 12 ounce serving. To give you a reference for comparison, Budweiser has 145 calories and Coors has 149. Guinness is practically a light beer people!

Happy New Year!

I've added a "randomizer" to my blog for the new year (see top left column). Clicking the link will bring up a random post from the More Rants than Raves archives. If you click it and it brings up this post, you win $1,000,000!*

*Not really.

You like-a the pepper?

Behold the Naga Viper, the hottest pepper in the world. It was recently created by a British dude who crossbred three of the hottest peppers known to man. The Naga Viper measures 1,359,000 on the Scoville scale. To give you an idea of how hot that is, jalapeños rate around 5,000 on the scale and habaneros max out at 350,000.

Why didn't I think of that?

Check out these cool new inventions.

When I'm 64

You're already singing the song in your head, aren't you? Well snap out of it because this is important. I'm 32 which means I'm halfway to 64. I have decided to make a list of 64 things I'm going to do by the time I turn 64. Here they are in no particular order (I crossed off the ones I've already done).

1. Go on an African safari
2. Scuba/snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef
3. Take gourmet cooking classes
4. Go to Octoberfest in Munich
5. Go skydiving
6. Get a straight razor shave and a shoe shine
7. Stand on a glacier
8. Fire an automatic machine gun
9. Gamble in Vegas
10. Go to a pro wrestling match or NASCAR race
11. Learn to play a musical instrument
12. Ride a horse
13. Spend a romantic night in Paris
14. Go cliff jumping/cliff diving
15. Be an extra on a film or TV show
16. Drive a Lamborghini
17. Take a cruise
18. See the pyramids of Egypt
19. Marry a hot girl
20. Plant a tree
21. Sing karaoke in a crowded bar
22. Participate in an organized run (5k, 10k, etc.)
23. Trek through the Amazon jungle
24. Brew my own beer
25. Go parasailing
26. See Mount Rushmore
27. Call into a radio talk show
28. Learn a proper ballroom dance
29. Have kids
30. Ride in a hot air balloon
31. Gamble in Atlantic City
32. Fly in a helicopter
33. Quit a crappy job
34. Party in New Orleans
35. Drive a motorcycle
36. Dine on champagne and caviar
37. Perform a stand-up comedy act
38. Learn to surf
39. Take a martial arts class
40. Swim with sharks
41. Buy a house
42. Spot bears in Yellowstone National Park
43. Take my wife to Bora Bora
44. Go paintballing
45. Go whitewater rafting
46. Drink a Guinness at a pub in Ireland
47. Ride a mechanical bull
48. Volunteer for a good cause
49. Look down from the top of the Empire State building
50. Watch a movie at a drive-in
51. Attend the Olympics or the Super Bowl
52. Learn to drive a stick shift
53. Get into a fistfight
54. Take a trip with all three of my brothers
55. Learn a second language
56. Complete a "food challenge" at restaurant
57. Go to the circus
58. Party in an all inclusive resort
59. Travel the U.S. in an RV
60. Smoke a Cuban cigar
61. Map my family tree
62. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise
63. Go deep sea fishing
64. Explore the ruins at Machu Picchu

I am committed to completing this list in the next 32 years, and I can't wait to do it! I encourage everyone to make their own list. It's a lot of fun and makes you excited about the future. When you're done be sure to submit your list as a comment and share the awesome things that lie in store for you!

Superstitions

Unlucky 13

Some experts think that this belief might have started with the Last Supper in the Bible, where there were 13 people at the table. Judas, the apostle w­ho betrayed Jesus, was the 13th member of the party to arrive. Also, Jesus was crucified on a Friday (which may have helped contribute to Friday the 13th being such a feared day).

Knock on wood

Ancient people couldn’t understand why some trees stayed green all year and others lost their leaves. They thought some trees must have supernatural powers. For that reason, they would knock on trees to get their attention.

Don’t spill salt

At one time, salt was very valuable. To spill any was believed to bring bad luck. People also thought that evil spirits lived in the left side of the body. If a person spilled salt, he or she would try to please the evil spirits by throwing salt in their direction.

Cross your fingers

This custom began as a sort of shortcut for people making the sign of the Christian cross. People believed the cross protected them from evil or bad luck.

Broken mirrors

In ancient times, people believed that their reflection in the water or in glass was really their “other self.” They thought that if you disturbed this image, you would bring bad luck. Ancient Romans believed that life is renewed every seven years. This is where we got the idea of seven years bad luck if we break a mirror, disturbing our reflection.

Walking under a ladder

This belief might be traced to the fact that a ladder leaned against a wall forms a triangle. To many Christian people, the triangle stands for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If you walked under a ladder, you would break the triangle and bring bad luck.

Source: The Orange County Register's "Mini Page"

Impressive impressions

Check out these impressions of Denzel Washington and Will Smith by new SNL cast member Jay Pharoah. Awesome!

Settling the score

While I'm not what you would call a "sports fan," I do love to watch football. I have been a fan of the San Diego Chargers for nine years now and I have to say it has been a roller coaster of emotion.

So far this season has been a major disappointment. In fact, I was so frustrated by their performance that I went out and bought Madden NFL 11 in order to take matters into my own hands. I am happy to report that although the Chargers you see on TV are 2-4, my Chargers team is sitting pretty at 5-1. It's sad when you have a better time watching video game football than you do watching the real thing.

Fried possum!

Yesterday I ate lunch at a diner off Highway 101. While perusing the menu I noticed that they offered a meal called the "Road Kill Scramble." I tried to order it (because I'm such a manly man) but the waitress informed me that the entree was fake. Although my dream of eating a possum/squirrel was crushed (at least for now), I have to give the restaurant credit for their commitment to the joke. It's on the permanent menu and they even assigned it a price.

Top 5 albums (+ worst ever)

1. 40oz. to Freedom (Sublime)
2. From a Basement on the Hill (Elliott Smith)
3. Workingman's Dead (Grateful Dead)
4. Hot Fuss (The Killers)
5. Mutations (Beck)

Worst: Time, Love and Tenderness (Michael Bolton)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Public servant arrested in Washington state

Disoriented 'superhero' arrested in motorhome

Associated Press - October 5, 2010

Police who responded to a report of a prowler at a motorhome in Washington state found a "superhero" inside.

Commander Jim Rich told KITI-AM the man in a Green Power Ranger costume appeared lost and disoriented and apparently had been drinking.

Rich says the 28-year-old Centralia man apparently was dropped off by some friends at the wrong house after a weekend party. He was arrested for investigation of trespassing.

Funny blurbs

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me." - Stephen Colbert

"I went into a shoe store and I said, 'Uh, hey can I get those in a 10?' The guy said, 'sure' and he went in the back. Then a couple minutes later he came out and he goes, 'I don't have a 10, I have a 9.' Great, 'cause while you were in the back, my toes were severed off. Normally it would be stupid for you to say a number different than what we agreed on, but given my recent accident you're right on." - Demetri Martin

"At the Olive Garden, they like to say, 'When you're here, you're family.' It's true. I showed up with a date, and the hostess said, 'We think you could do better.'" - Aparna Nancherla

You can see my Halo? Well, this is awkward. . . .

According to a recent study from the University of Rochester, violent first-person shooter video games can help players make decisions faster in real life. The researchers chose to study these games because, "Unlike standard learning paradigms, which have a highly specific solution, there is no such specific solution in action video games because situations are rarely, if ever, repeated." Pretty interesting stuff.

I know the results of the study are true because I make all my decisions at lightning speed. To give you an example I've typed out my thought process over the last couple of days.

Q: Should I do lesson planning for my class or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

Q: Should I get a good night's sleep or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

Q: Should I go outside and enjoy the day or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

See how video games improve your life?

Top 5 best things about my new car (+ worst ever)

1. Automatic transmission
2. Unlike my old car, the air conditioning, driver side door lock, 2nd gear, reverse gear, glove compartment hatch, left break light, heating vents, windshield wipers, driver side mirror, seat belts, window seals, passenger side door hinge, interior handles, parking break, and engine, all function properly
3. That new car smell
4. Comfortable seats
5. Stereo with CD and iPod input

Worst: Driving like a grandma because I don't want to wreck it

Who said video games are a waste of time?

i.am impressed

I'm the first to admit that the hip hop group, Black Eyed Peas are kind of annoying. Their songs are repetitive and I would be happy if I never had to hear old "Fergalicious" croak out another tune for the rest of my life. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found out that Will.i.am (one of the group's members) is a completely awesome human being.

I was flipping channels the other day and saw him on Oprah giving out houses. I don't mean that I saw him asking for money to help his charity.  I don't mean that I saw him saying that his record label was putting up some money to help people in need.  I mean that Will.i.am gave $350,000 of his own money to pay off the mortgages of two families that were going to lose their houses because of the current economic crisis.

He was super shy and he didn't make a big deal out of it (the segment on the show was very short).  He just came out and said, "I don’t dream to be like mega, crazy rich. I just wanna be able to create, make music, and help people when they need it."  He said that instead of asking people to donate money, he figured he would just put up his own.  What a cool guy.


Will.i.am (right) hangin' with Wolverine

Shadiest barista ever

If you've been keeping up with this blog, you know that I have a love-hate relationship with Starbucks.  I was reminded of this today when I went to the Starbucks by my house and ordered a medium-sized cup of Pike Place Roast (yes, I know that at Starbucks a medium is called "grande" but I'm simplifying for the purposes of this post and, honestly, typing words like "vinte" make me feel like an idiotic snob).

Anyway, after taking my payment the barista turned and proceeded to fill my cup with Anniversary Blend. I repeated that I wanted Pike Place Roast and he confirmed that he was giving me just that. I then pointed out that I saw him pour me a cup out of Anniversary Blend. He then conceded and said that the Pike Place was empty and that I would have to wait a few minutes for them to brew a new batch.  At this point I realized that this shady-ass barista was trying to trick me into taking the wrong type of coffee because it was easier for him to do this rather than brew more. 

I would like to stop here and point out that even though I may sound like a diva/asshole I was actually being really courteous to the guy (saying things like, "Oh, it's my fault.  I guess the labels on the coffee machines must be mixed up.").  I wasn't trying to be rude to him, I just wanted to get the coffee I asked for.

Anyway, back to the story.  I told him that it was no problem for me to wait and then asked if I would be getting my coffee for free (again, not because I'm an asshole, but because their company policy is to give you a free drink whenever you have to wait for it to brew).  He thought about it for a second and then agreed.  He said something like, "Sure, I got you man.  Don't worry about it, it's on us."  He then started to wait on the next customer.  The problem with this is that I had already paid for the coffee.

So basically, the barista tried to trick me twice.  First, he tried to give me the wrong coffee (and lied to me about it).  Second, he tried to give me a "free" drink that I already paid for.  Eventually I got a free coffee out of the deal and a (hopefully) amusing story, but I have to say that I have never seen such a shady-ass barista in my life.

P.S. I know this photo is kind of out of place but I thought it was nice.

I've seen the future, and it's badical

I recently watched Back to the Future II and I couldn't help but get excited about the changes that are slated to occur over the next few years. For those of you who haven't seen it in a while, a large part of the movie takes place in the year 2015 which apparently is going to be chock full of flying cars, hydrating pizza ovens, and ravenous holographic sharks.

Wait, now that I think about it these things will never be a reality. I say this because according to another movie I watched, we are all going to die in the year 2012 (well, everyone except John Cusack). Man I hope that's not true. Not because I hate John Cusack (although I do kind of hate John Cusack), but because I can't stand the thought of leaving this earth without getting my hands on a hoverboard. I've been looking forward to it for years!

Luckily, there is one futuristic luxury that you can enjoy now (if you can find one). It's called the "Coca-Cola Freestyle Beverage Machine," and while it doesn't feature an interactive video projection of Michael Jackson, it does offer 106 different beverage choices available at the push of a button. They have one of these at a Subway I go to and it is truly badical in every sense of the word. If you find one I dare you to order a "Caffeine-free Diet Raspberry Coke." I don't even want to think about what that tastes like.