Help My 3-Year-Old Meet A Live Bear

It's for a good cause! gofundme.com/go4bear

An open letter to whoever keeps leaving dog shit on my lawn

Dear Dickface (assumed name),

There’s a time in every man’s life when he must stand up for what he believes in. Hopefully when that time comes that man isn’t standing in a pile of dog shit. But he probably is because dog shit is EVERYWHERE.

Why don’t you pick up after your dog? I understand that it’s disgusting to pick up warm dog shit and carry it around until you find a trash can. But that’s the deal; you get to fill your Instagram with adorable dog photos, and in exchange, you have to clean up after the little turd factory.

I’m not a violent person. I’ve never “kicked ass and taken names.” If anything I would take names and THEN kick ass because I’m a gentlemen. My point is that I don’t like violence. These days however I find myself fantasizing about sitting late at night on my porch with a pellet gun, poised to pelt pricks that pass without picking up their pooch’s poo. (Alliteration alert!)

And don’t even get me started on this asshole.



Why would you bag the shit and then throw it back on the lawn? Are you trying to preserve the dog shit? Is the goal to keep the shit fresh for as long as possible? This person should be in jail!

In conclusion, if you’re too lazy to pick up a turd maybe you shouldn’t own a dog. And to all the dogs out there, don’t think you’re off the hook. I don’t speak your language, but I’m sure there’s a English-to-Dog Google translator that will make this page easy for you to read.

Clean up your act, mutts!

Sincerely,

Ryan Danger Sims (former dog lover, now not so sure)

A day of remembrance

It's my birthday today! It's also Memorial Day so remember to hang your flags at half-mast, visit the grave of a soldier, and thank a veteran. Also, celebrate my birthday! But in a respectful way that honors our fallen soldiers. Like with balloons and cake! Sadness balloons and grief cake.

Putting Songs on Blast! #6 (Old School Edition)

SONG: Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
ARTIST: Dionne Warwick
LYRIC: "I've got lots of friends in San Jose. Do you know the way to San Jose?"

First of all, if you have so many friends in San Jose why don't you know how to get there? These "friends" don't blindfold you and drive you over in the back of their car, do they? Those are not real friends!

Secondly, isn't Dionne Warwick a psychic? I'm not an expert on psychic powers, but couldn't she just channel Magellan's ghost or something?

Last but not least, if you don't know the way to San Jose there's a simple solution. GO BUY A F*CKING MAP. Don't ask over and over and over until you drive the listener insane.

I blame Steve Jobs for this song. If the iPhone would have come out just a few decades earlier this song would never have been made.

SONG: No Sleep Till Brooklyn
ARTIST: Beastie Boys
LYRIC: "No sleep 'till (bah na, na naaah na nah) BROOKLYYYYN!"

This song seems like an inspired anthem, but when you really think about it it's kind of a let down.

Where're we gonna go? BROOKLYN!

What are we going to do when we get there? WE'RE GONNA SLEEP!!!

SONG: 99 Bottles of Beer
ARTIST: I don't know–like an old pirate or something?
LYRIC: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!"

I have so many questions about this song. Why are the beers on a wall? It this some type of home decorating trend? Why are they passing around the beer? Surely there's enough for everyone to have their own? I've poured over the lyrics to this song literally thousands of times and I still can't figure out the answers to these questions.

I feel sorry for the guy at the end of the circle, drinking warm beer and spit from the bottom of every bottle. That dude needs to get some new friends. I heard Dionne Warwick's available.

Stickin' it to The Man

Artist Elana Schlenker is creating pop-up stores where women pay less than men. This is such a fantastic idea.

Less Than 100 is a traveling pop-up shop for gender wage parity. Each installment offers work from US-based women artists, makers, and entrepreneurs priced to reflect the wage gap in its respective location.

The inaugural shop, focused on the wage gap in Pennsylvania, where women earn 76% of what men earn. Following a “pay what you’re paid” pricing structure to mirror this inequality, male shoppers were charged 100% of the retail price of items and women paid 76%. Shoppers received bags labeled with their gendered “worth” along with a free newspaper elaborating on the issue.

When boars fly

Boar falls through ceiling of Hong Kong children's clothing store
United Press International (article excerpt) - May 11, 2015

A wild boar fell through the ceiling of a children's clothing store in Hong Kong, leading to a four-hour standoff with police.



The female boar, which authorities said was likely a resident of nearby woods, apparently climbed a ladder at a mall in the Chai Wan neighborhood Sunday before falling through the ceiling of a children's clothing store and landing on the top of a display case.

The boar eventually jumped to the ground and ran around the store.

"It just came in out of nowhere, and turned around at the window," the store's manager told the South China Morning Post. "It also pushed open the fitting room door and got in."

Officials said the animal will be returned to the wild.

Pinterest fails

These have been circulating for a while, but I can't resist posting some of my favorites. The images on top show what the project is supposed to look like as seen on Pinterest. The images on bottom show how they turned out.

King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to modify Grand Theft Auto 5, so you can play as a suicidal flying chimp with a gun that shoots cars instead of bullets? No? Well someone did and it looks freaking AWESOME!

Melissa Flutes!

For the last year or so my three-year-old has been enjoying watching Melissa Flutes on YouTube. For those of you who don't know, Melissa covers a variety of popular songs on the flute. She's a very talented player and delivers captivating performances.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my son about how cool it would be if she played some Star Wars music. I emailed her, and a few days later (May the 4th to be exact), she posted her new Star Wars themed video!

Thanks Melissa!

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo!*

*Well it was in time for Cinco de Mayo, but I didn't have time to post this yesterday.

Salta beer in Argentina is giving rugby players tooth implants with BOTTLE OPENERS built into them. This is a real thing. What a time to be alive!

Great news!

(See what I did there?)

On Wednesday I got contacted by Us Weekly with a request to publish one of my tweets! Comedian Amy Schumer retweeted my photo and comments as part of her "Girl, You Don't Need Makeup" parody. Next thing I knew, my photo was in TIME! Click the links below to read the articles.



    

Also, shout-out to the Telegram for reppin me in Croatia!

Putting Songs on Blast! #5 (Cash Money Edition)

SONG: Started From The Bottom
ARTIST: Drake
LYRIC: "Started from the bottom now we're here."

Drake grew up in a wealthy neighborhood in Canada. His dad was a drummer for Jerry Lee Lewis. Drake was on a TV show after being hooked up by his friend’s dad (who was a talent agent). His success is a real Polos to riches story. I guess “started from the upper middle now we're here” just doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it.

SONG: Beverly Hills
ARTIST: Weezer
LYRIC: "My automobile is a piece of crap . . . got nothing in my pocket. Beverly Hills! That's where I want to be! Beverly Hills! Rolling like a celebrity!"

Apparently the intention of the song is to make fun of rich Hollywood culture. The problem is that Rivers Cuomo IS rich Hollywood culture. I know he started out as a kind of alternative nerd hero, but he's rich and famous now. I miss Blue Album Cuomo.

SONG: Budapest
ARTIST: George Ezra
LYRIC: "My house in Budapest. My hidden treasure chest. Baby if you hold me then all of this will go away."

Let me get this straight. If the girl hooks up with you, you'll give away all your riches? What kind of incentive is that? Even if the girl isn't materialistic I'd argue that there isn't a person alive who wouldn't enjoy a hidden treasure chest.

I do have to give Ezra credit though for not pronouncing it BudapESHHt. That shit drives me crazy.

BTW FWIW my POV is GR8 IMHO!

I'd like to think that I'm pretty "hip." I'd even go so far as to call myself "streets ahead." But even someone as cool me gets flummoxed when trying to decipher those damn texting acronyms (LOL right?!).

While looking up text terms I found this handy resource. It seems legit, except for the "alternate definitions" which seem particularly problematic. Check out the secondary definitions for number 4 and number 7. Don't want to mix those ones up. . . .



Here's one more reference I found while researching a blog post.



I like to imagine Ron Burgundy reading it aloud. "Mama is a lady. And that's very clear."

Someone likes bacon even more than me

Woman gets 3-7 years for shooting over bacon-less burger
Associated Press (article excerpt) - April 21, 2015

A Michigan woman has been sentenced to three to seven years in prison for opening fire at a McDonald's restaurant after workers twice failed to put bacon on her burgers.

Authorities say 30-year-old Shaneka Torres became angry in February 2014 when the first burger she ordered at the restaurant's drive-up station was missing bacon. She was offered a free meal, but bacon also wasn't added to a second burger order.

Police say she fired a shot through the restaurant. No one was injured.

Glee glee glue glee gleck

(I asked my three-year-old to come up with a title for this post.)

I don't know what's worse. The fact that this store has unmarked "charity" boxes at the end of their checkstands, or that people are DONATING to the unmarked boxes. What is going on here?



My new business plan is to plant a bunch of boxes like this all over town. I give my personal guarantee that 100% of all proceeds will go to a really cool guy who could use the money. Just think: For the price of a cup of coffee, you could give me enough money for a cup of coffee!

Putting Songs on Blast! #4

SONG: Hate It Or Love It
ARTIST: Game (feat. 50 Cent)
LYRIC: "Sittin' in the Range, thinkin' how they spend 30 million dollars on airplanes, when there's kids starvin'."

While I applaud your charitable sentiment, I can't help but think how many kids you could have fed if you'd have chosen a sensible Camry over that Range Rover you're sitting in.

SONG: Blessings
ARTIST: Big Sean (feat. Drake and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I haven't had a good time in a long time, you know I, I'm way up I feel blessed!"

I'm getting a bit of a mixed message here, Drake. . . .

SONG: Somebody
ARTIST: Natalie La Rose (feat. Jeremih)
LYRIC: “I wanna leave with somebody, and we ain't gotta tell nobody."

This whole song is a disaster, but this lyric is probably the worst. If you ignore the double negative, Jeremih (God it hurts to type that name) is saying that he's not going to tell anyone they hooked up. How many women out there are excited by the prospect that the man she's hooking up with isn't going to tell anybody? Is this a thing?

SONG: Centuries
ARTIST: Fall Out Boy
LYRIC: "You will remember me, remember me for centuries!"

Jokes on you, bro. I'll be dead way before then.

Putting Songs on Blast! #3

SONG: One More Night
ARTIST: Maroon 5
LYRIC: "There you go again, there you go again, making me love You-hoo."

Okay, we get it, you love chocolate flavored drinks. Do you really have to howl about it? I hope they're paying you a lot for that endorsement.

SONG: Sweater Weather
ARTIST: The Neighbourhood
LYRIC: "I hate the beach, but I stand in California with my toes in the sand."

You know what I hate? Americans who spell "neighborhood" with a "u" to appear cultured and cool. Also, if you don't like the beach, maybe you should get the F*CK OUT OF CALIFORNIA! Phew! Glad I got that off my chest.

SONG: Bitch Better Have My Money
ARTIST: Rihanna
LYRIC: “Bitch better have my money! Please don't call me on my bluff. Pay me what you owe me."

This whole song is supposed to show how badass Rihanna is. She threatens that she has someone's wife in the back of her car while making gunshot sounds, etc. You know, basic "wildin' out" shit. The problem is that she appears to not understand what the word "bluff" means.

SONG: Only
ARTIST: Nicki Minaj (feat. Chris Brown, Drake and Lil Wayne)
LYRIC: "If you lame and you know it be quiet."

What if you're lame and you don't know it? Like, let's say you're singing a song with the lyrics, "if you lame and you know it be quiet." Will you shut up then?

National Beer Day

Apparently there's such thing as "National Beer Day," and that day is today. Go get some champagne and celebrate!

Click the image below to view a large map showing (almost) every country's most popular beer.

Putting Songs on Blast! #2

SONG: Tongue Tied
ARTIST: Grouplove
LYRIC: "Let's bump the beats 'till beddy-bye."

This song isn't deep, but it has kind of a catchy beat. I thought it was okay until I heard the lyric "bump the beets 'till beddy-bye" (and threw up in my mouth).

SONG: Blank Space
ARTIST: Taylor Swift
LYRIC: "I can read you like a magazine."

I like this song, but the expression is supposed to be "I can read you like a BOOK." I know I sound like an old man here, but it bothers me that these millennial whippersnappers won't read anything that's not accompanied by a bunch of glossy photos.

I guess it could be worse. She could have said, "I can read you like a tweet."

SONG: Heart of Gold
ARTIST: Neil Young
LYRIC: “I've been to Hollywood. I've been to Redwood. I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.”

These are the only places Neil says he's searched for a "heart of gold." Maybe he should try somewhere outside of California? I know he says he's "crossed the ocean," but based on his limited knowledge of geography he may have just swam across Lake Tahoe.

SONG: Four Five Seconds
ARTIST: Rihanna (feat. Paul McCartney and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I'm Four Five Seconds from wildin'."

Sir Paul McCartney helped write this song. Are we supposed to believe that the 72-year-old writer of "Good Day Sunshine" is on the verge of "wildin' out?" What would that even look like?

SONG: A Sky Full of Stars
ARTIST: Coldplay
LYRIC: “You're a sky full of stars. 'Cause in a sky full of stars I think I see you.”

So you think you saw her inside of herself, because she's herself? WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!

Putting Songs on Blast! #1

Anyone who knows me knows that I looove to make fun of songs. I've decided to share my sarcastic comments on popular songs in a series I'm calling "Putting Songs on Blast!" Please know that my making fun of a song does not mean I do not like the song; some of these songs are great! (Though to be honest, most of the songs are trash.)


SONG: I Don't Mind
ARTIST: Usher (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "Your body rock and your booty poppin’, I’m proud to call you my bitch."

I think everyone in life is looking for that special someone who's "proud to call them their bitch."

SONG: Thinking Out Loud
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70."

After that you're on your own.

SONG: Not For Long
ARTIST: B.o.B (feat. Trey Songz)
LYRIC: "I wanna show you off like a trophy car, ‘cause anything is better than nothing at all.”

And they say romance is dead.

SONG: Dark Horse
ARTIST: Katy Perry (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "She ride me like a roller coaster. Turned the bedroom into a fair."

Like with agricultural exhibits and livestock auctions? Is there a 4-H club involved?!