Self-Flatulation

Earlier this month I mentioned my new "Fartdoctor" title. I regret to report that I may be in over my head. People are making inquiries about my medical background and I'm scrambling. Maybe my dad was right when he said I don't have what it takes to be a Fartiologist.

Hotline zing

Out of all the memes for Drake's "Hotline Bling," this one is my favorite.

The Charlie Brown Theme #DrakeAlwaysOnBeat #DrakeIsAlwaysOnBeat pic.twitter.com/1BeBt9Sz86

— drake dancing to (@DRAKEDANClNG) October 20, 2015

Spooky

This is getting ridiculous. Even the Halloween decorations are addicted to their cell phones.

Take it down a notch, Doug

Last week I found out about a site called iPet Companion that lets you interact with animals in shelters from your computer in real-time. I haven't used the service yet, but it seems like a great way to play with animals without getting any of their filthy animal germs on you.

While the video feature is cool, watching the live chat is where the real entertainment is.

I'm really elevating the discourse on QuizUp

The QuizUp trivia app gives out titles for advancing and I was recently awarded one of its highest honors.



Can you believe this T-shirt is only $40?!

While I didn't buy the shirt, I am not above bragging to random strangers through the app.

Putting Songs on Blast! #9

SONG: Thinking Out Loud (yes, I'm putting this song on blast again)
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "People fall in love in mysterious ways."

People fall in love by meeting through friends, going to bars, and finding each other on dating sites. I didn't know why Sheeran was so mystified as to how people fall in love until I read an interview of his dad talking about how he met the love of his life. Here's an excerpt:

"Well, it's a funny story. Back in '65 I was abducted by aliens. After they finished probing me and such, they dumped me naked in a field. Wouldn't you know it, Imogen was milking some animals at a farm nearby and saw me fall from the spaceship. I'll tell you what, when she strolled over and poked me with a stick to see if I was alive, I knew I'd met the one.

"Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars."

That's pretty specific, Ed. How are you going to be sure there are exactly 1,000 stars overhead? Do you have a "star counter" in your entourage?

Also, you'd think he'd be a little more cautious about being outside at night, given his family history of alien abduction.

SONG: Post To Be
ARTIST: Omarion (feat. Jhene Aiko and Chris Brown)
LYRIC: "He gotta eat the booty like groceries . . . if he wants me to expose the freak."

Let me get this straight, a guy has to eat your ass and then you'll "expose the freak?" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE THE FREAK?!

Orange is the new lemon

I don't know who's up for the next Nobel Prize, but my money's on Keith Villa. According to this Blue Moon commercial he's the one who invented putting an orange in beer.


In the beginning God created the orange. Then, later, Keith Villa was like "put it in a beer."

Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and now, Keith Villa. I'm surprised they don't print his phone number on every bottle so that people can call him and personally thank him for his contribution.

Karate party!

Check out this Evite theme for kids parties:



The part before the destroyed house/multiple injuries/parent lawsuits would be awesome!!!

A boy named Bullsmack

I'm playing a game where you design a fallout shelter, run the fallout shelter and create names of people born in your fallout shelter. It's called Fallout Shelter!

I really think I have a knack for this naming thing. Contact me if you're expecting a baby and would like a consultation!

MAJOR UPDATE (9/18/15): Happy to report that Croptop Flipflop, Beer Bong, and Tip Penis have joined the fallout shelter!

To mock a mockingbird

The front cover of the new book Just Mercy features a review claiming it’s superior to a classic work of literature.



I came up with some "quotes" that publishers can use to promote upcoming books. That's right, I put the word "quotes" in quotes. Twice!

"This book makes Moby-Dick look like a raging dumpster fire."

"This book makes A Tale of Two Cities look like A Tale of One Cul-de-sac."

"This book makes Fahrenheit 451 look like Fahrenheit 60 with a Chance of Rain."

"This book makes One Hundred Years of Solitude look like One Hundred Years of Stupid Bullshit."

"This book makes Tom Jones look like Tom Jones (the singer)."

My new business cards (they fancy)

FRONT


BACK

My autobiography (short version)

Everything you need to know about me is in my Evite bio.

Maryland loves pants

A company called SwiftKey recently created a map of the US that shows the "most used emoji" in each state. I split the map to show more detail.

Some of the emoji's make sense (Hawaii=surfing, Iowa=corn, Oklahoma=spooky ghosts). Other emojis leave a lot of questions. For example, why is Nevada using the phallic eggplant thing so much? And what the hell is going on in Louisiana?!





If you visit to the interactive map you can click on each state for details. That's how I learned that people in Utah are really into oral sex with aliens.

Ryan Danger Sims on HuffPost Live

I was recently contacted by The Huffington Post and asked to participate in an interview with Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel! Check out the video below. I come in at the 23:30 mark, looking distracted while feeding my daughter (who's in her highchair offscreen).

Update (7/1/17): The video no longer plays on HuffPost! They're probably just trying to avoid having to pay me backdated residuals once I make it big.

Helpful site

Wanted to share a very useful website. I check it dozens of times a day for updates.

isitchristmas.com

I'm thinking zero moves ahead

Started playing Chess with Friends with my brother. It is not going well. Here are some screen shots of our conversation while playing. (He's the yellow A, I'm the blue dude with no face.)

Rant (no caption necessary)

Putting Songs on Blast #8

SONG: Papa Was A Rollin' Stone
ARTIST: The Temptations
LYRIC: "Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died, all he left us was a loan."

It's bad enough the guy wasn't around, but the fact that he left his kids to deal with his financial problems is inexcusable.

SONG: Love Me Like You Do
ARTIST: Ellie Goulding
LYRIC: "Touch me like you do."

It is impossible NOT to touch someone "like you do." The fact that the lyrics are phrased in the present tense means that the person could touch her however they wanted and it would be "like they do." They could literally just be flicking her in the eyeball.

Doctor's orders

Check out this prescription I found posted above a gas pump:



Now print this out, mail it to your boss, and BOOM! You're off work until the end of summer! When you finally return to work on September 22nd, make sure you give your boss a big thank you hug.*

*Bonus: If your boss fires you for leaving work and not coming back for 5 weeks you can sue Chevrolet and possibly never have to work again!

Zen merch

I can't think of a better way to "live in the moment" than to spend $8 on a box of rocks.