Top 5 types of dessert

1. Ice Cream
2. Cookies
3. Pie
4. Brownies
5. Cake

Worst: Flan

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Just the essentials

This photo is on the box of an inflatable camping mattress.



Based on the image, when this woman goes camping, her packing list includes the following:

[√] Backpack
[√] Ceramic Coffee Cup
[√] Down Comforter
[√] Dream Catcher
[√] Banjo

Stummy beige

A research scientist just trained a computer to generate new paint colors and give them each a name. The names the computer came up with sound like the worst Pokémon characters ever.



And I thought the names I created for Fallout Shelter were ridiculous.

More like ZENdge

While looking for a wallpaper for my new iPad, I came across Zedge.net. The site boasts over 246 million app downloads and it's easy to see why. Who wouldn't want to stare at these nuggets of inspiration multiple times per day?

"My secret rage is proof that I 'love' you."

This one's literally and metaphorically deep.

"...step over the faux balcony and fall to your destiny."

Literate yourself!

My birthday is in a couple of weeks and in the spirit of giving, I've decided to release the FULL TEXT of my book I Am Now a Published Author, on this blog for the bargain price of $0.00. That's $2.99 off the regular price, and about a billion dollars less than it's worth. My lawyer would kill me, if I had a lawyer (which I don't, as evidenced by my copyright page).

Click the cover page below and enjoy!

The most LA thing ever

While going through a Parks and Recreation catalog, I came across this ad for 4-6 year old actors who want to "get back to the basics of the craft."

Some doubt

I don't know what's worse: the fact that the band sang this live on tour, or that the lyrics are posted online.

This video has everything . . .

. . . creative swearing, righteous anger, a sassy Australian . . . everything!

A name by any other name would be a different name

A fun thing to do when you see a wall of kids’ coloring sheets is to make one with an outrageous name and watch people's reactions when they read it. I did this on a recent trip to the aquarium, and I like to think I inspired some future parents.

If you’re reading this in 2037, tell your many friends named Blorph that I say “you’re welcome.”

Classic goof

Words with fetus

Words with Friends has determined that my appropriate opponent level is "unborn child."

Knock nock joke

"Knock knock."

"Whose there?"

"WHO'S there."

"I don't know, it's you're dumb joke."

"It's YOUR dumb joke."

"This is two much."

Charles E. Sims

If you've been following this blog for a while, you know that my grandpa was my hero and I miss him like crazy. I could write a whole blog on the cool things he did in his lifetime, but for now I'll just share one of my favorite stories.

My grandpa was a court reporter as a young man. One day he was messing around with his sheriff buddies and they let him "test" some pepper spray, which I believe involved him spraying Mace inside of the police station and accidentally getting some on himself. His friends then wrote up a fake warrant for his arrest, "booking him" for drunk driving on the wrong side of the road in excess of 90 miles per hour.

The best part, though, is this authentic 1950s mugshot they took of my grandpa. He looks pretty badass on the left, but he couldn't hold it together for the profile.

Nothing to see here. . . .

I know everyone's probably seen this video, but I had to give it a permanent home on this blog. It's such a perfect example of what it's like to try and work from home when you have little kids.

I'm a wild lab rat

If you haven't checked out Lab in the Wild yet, you should. The site has a bunch of personality tests like those ridiculous ones on Facebook, but these tests are actually legit (created by professors from Harvard and the University of Washington).

Go see if you can beat my scores! (If you do beat me, don't tell me. Just let me have this, okay?)



My Results
(all first time)

How quickly do you learn?
MY RESULTS: 75% forecasting accuracy ("much higher than average").

What is your thinking style?
MY RESULTS: Similar to people in my country.

Are you more Eastern or Western?
MY RESULTS: Equally competent at perceiving foreground and background (highest possible accuracy on both tests).

How fast is your memory?
MY RESULTS: 99% accuracy with 590 millisecond response average (319 faster than world average of 909 millisecond response time).

Can we guess your age?
MY RESULTS: My "color age" is 14 years old (which is a good thing).

What is your color perception score?
MY RESULTS: 100% accuracy.

How good is your nutrition knowledge?
MY RESULTS: 71% correct.

Test your social intelligence!
MY RESULTS: 29 out of 36 (better than 74% of participants).

Multitasking test
MY RESULTS: I got zero mistakes. It took me 2.68 seconds to find and select each item, well below the 3.22 second average. When forced to remember more symbols at once, most people slow down by 0.21%. I got faster by 11.91%. Multitasking FTW!

What the what?

Apparently Amazon doesn't let authors review their own books.

I wrote a book!

Click the image below and buy a couple dozen today! It makes a great gift for a friend, a friend of a friend, or a friend of a friend's friend. A portion of the proceeds go to Amazon, and they could really use the money!

Are you ready for some prop bets?!

It's Super Bowl time, which means it's time for the 4 F's: Football, Food, Fbeer and Fbetting on random crap! Here are some actual prop bets for Super Bowl LI (courtesy of oddsshark.com). Favored outcomes and ties are yellow. I know it's hard to read, but I had to do this in San Diego Charger's colors since I'm never going to see them in a Super Bowl. :(



HOW MANY TIMES WILL "DEFLATE" OR "DEFLATEGATE" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
Over 1.5 -120
Under 1.5 -120

WILL ANY PLAYER BE SEEN KNEELING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
No -400
Yes +250

WHAT WILL LUKE BRYAN BE WEARING WHEN HE STARTS SINGING THE U.S. NATIONAL ANTHEM?
Blue jeans -200
Any other pants or shorts +150

WILL LUKE BRYAN FORGET OR OMIT A WORD FROM THE OFFICIAL U.S. NATIONAL ANTHEM?
No -700
Yes +400

WHICH SONG WILL LADY GAGA SING FIRST?
Song Not Listed Below +110
Born This Way +225
Bad Romance +250
Edge of Glory +600
Poker Face +1000
Just Dance +1000

WHAT COLOR WILL LADY GAGA'S HAIR BE WHEN SHE STARTS HER HALFTIME SHOW?
Blond -500
Any Other Color

WHO WILL THE SUPER BOWL MVP MENTION FIRST AFTER HE IS PRESENTED THE TROPHY?
Team/Teammates +200
God +200
Coach +900
Owner +900
Family +900
Donald Trump +2000
Does not mention any of the above +250

WHAT COLOR WILL THE LIQUID BE THAT IS POURED ON THE WINNING COACH?
Clear/Water +300
Lime/Green +300
Yellow +300
Orange +300
Red +500
Blue +750
Purple +1000

HOW MANY TIMES WILL "TRUMP" BE SAID DURING THE LIVE BROADCAST?
Over 1.5 -120
Under 1.5 -120

WILL THE WORD "LACROSSE" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
Yes -250
No +170

WILL "HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM" BE SAID ON TV DURING LIVE BROADCAST?
No -400
Yes +250

A (142) word(s) of warning

I'm back! Sorry to be away for so long, but my MacBook Pro's hard drive took a dump and getting it fixed turned out to be quite an ordeal. Through the experience I learned something about Apple's policies that I feel should be shared.

When you go to an Apple store to get a new hard drive installed, Apple keeps your original hard drive even if it's out of warranty. If you want your drive back, you have to pay a fee of $150. That's one hundred fifty dollars for someone to hand your personal property back to you. On top of this, they offer no guarantee that they will destroy the drive.

If you want your drive back to try and recover your family photos, passwords and personal documents you have to pay Apple a fee. How is this not extortion?

Happy 2017!

A lot of bad stuff happened in 2016, but at least I didn't become "hooked on quack" like this ding-dong. #blessed