Friday, October 20, 2006

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

  • Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
  • To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
  • I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!
  • Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says: ‘You.’ After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  • Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
  • I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.
  • We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.
  • If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone.
  • It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did.
  • If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
  • I believe in saving the world for our children. But not for our children's children. Because I don't think kids should be having sex.

    Anonymous said...

    Soooo funny. I'd love to hang out with the SNL writer who came up with that concept.

    Anonymous said...

    Good stuff. Another of my faves:

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

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