Something gross for Halloween

Truck spills 2 tons of pig heads on road
Associated Press - Tue Oct 31, 9:57 AM ET

A truck spilled two tons of pigs' heads on a road in western Germany, giving passing drivers a shock on the night before Halloween, police said Tuesday.

The accident happened Monday night after the truck turned off a highway in Herne, in the Ruhr region, police in Bochum said.

As the driver accelerated away from a traffic light, the door of his trailer opened, spilling the severed heads onto the road.

It took the fire service, helped by a fork-lift truck, an hour-and-a-half to load the heads back onto the truck.

My boss is a bastard

I am supposed to plan this year's Christmas party for my work. We have 83 employees and my boss does not want to spend more than $200 for the entire event. This works out to approximately $2.41 for each employee ($1.20 each if they bring a guest).

His master plan:

1. No alcohol
2. No food (unless you bring your own or pay for catering).
3. The "party" will take place at the office.
4. We should play Twister.

I should also mention that he is not planning on giving out any Christmas bonuses. Everyone is looking to me to provide a great party and I can't wait to see how it all turns out!

Keg surfing

I invented a sport!

Real names of celebrities

Alex Trebek - Giorgi Suka-Alex Trebek
Hulk Hogan - Terry Gene Bollea
Jamie Foxx - Eric Marlon Bishop
Jay-Z - Shawn Corey Carter
Johnny Knoxville - Phillip John Clapp
Kirk Douglas - Issur Danielovitch Demsky
Marilyn Manson - Brian Hugh Warner
Shania Twain - Eileen Regina Edwards
Vanilla Ice - Robert Van Winkle
Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Elaine Johnson

The art of procrastination

When I woke up this morning our apartment was a mess. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I took pictures of everything that needed to be cleaned up and made a collage.

I joined the dark side

I got this crazy Darth Vader costume for a Haloween party last night. It was basically a black unitard with a cape.

I got too hot in the mask so I ended up walking around looking like a deranged balarina.

Little known fact: Darth Vader used the dark side to rule the universe but few realize that it was drinking Coors that gave him the ability to choke people with his mind.

A urinal saved my life

A.L.O.N.D.S.G.T.I.T.W.B.C.B.W.A.K.O.B.

A list of Nintendo DS games that I thought would be cool but were actually kind of boring.

Advance Wars: Dual Strike
Bust-A-Move DS
Clubhouse Games
Golden Nugget Casino DS
Monopoly/Boggle/Yahtzee/Battleship
Nintendogs: Dachshund & Friends
Tetris DS
True Swing Golf
World Championship Poker: Deluxe Series

Beck's new album

Click the image to enlarge

I got Beck's new album The Information yesterday. I haven't had time to really listen to it yet but I have to say that I am very impressed with the packaging. Each CD comes with a blank cover and dozens of stickers. The idea is for everyone to create their own unique album art. It is really neat because there are a bunch of different sticker packs and you never know which one you will get when you buy your CD. You also get a DVD with music videos for each song.

I think this is a brilliant idea and a possible solution to the "problem" of people downloading free music. If every new album came with extras like these I just may start buying music again.

I should mention that I stole it. Don't worry though, I jacked it from that Starbucks I was ranting about earlier. You know, some might say that charging $4 for a cup of coffee is actually a form of theft. . . .

Daylight Saving Time ends this weekend

Nooooooo! Get ready to roll back your clock this Saturday night (the official time change is 2am Sunday, October 30th).

Do we get to vote on this? I can't stand it when the sun goes down at 5:30 in the afternoon! It just isn’t right. I have yet to find anyone who disagrees with me on this issue (except for a few of the drones at my work), so why the hell aren't we on permanent DST?

Red Guinness?

Less than 45 minutes ago Guinness announced that they have started making "Guinness Red." They are going to test it out in British pubs before releasing it to the rest of the world. I love Guinness but hate red beers so this should be interesting.

I should also note that I read this on the Reuters news wire (I do not habitually check the Guinness website to see what they are up to).

It’s the most wonderful drink of the year

We are fast approaching that magical time when chickens and cows put aside their differences and join together with the common goal of producing the most delightful holiday beverage. I am talking of course about that enchanting elixir known as eggnog. Eggnog milkshakes, eggnog lattes, eggnog with rum - ho, ho, ho, I'm getting excited!

I wonder why they don’t make it year-round. Eggs are available 24/7 so I have to assume that the nog can only be harvested in winter. . . .

Airsoft

Check yo self!

I am obsessed with airsoft as of late. Ted introduced me to it by shooting me in the back like a gazelle and I have been addicted ever since. I have two guns so if anyone out there wants to take me on. . . .

Top 5 TV shows (+ worst ever)

1. The Office
2. The Soup
3. Pro Football
4. Lost
5. America's Funniest Home Videos

Worst: Cheaters

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Comic strips are soooo funny!

Comic strips are so funny. I can't imagine how anyone could think they aren't. I mean, look at this one for example. If you aren't falling on the ground crying with laughter after you read this there must be something wrong with you.



Disclaimer: The above comments are purley sarcastic and in no way reflect my actual views. In reality I think that comic strips are a stain on our society and should be abolished through a series of ritualistic comic strip burning ceremonies.

Top 5 non-fiction books (+ worst ever)

1. No Logo by Naomi Klein
2. A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn
3. Homage to Catalonia by George Orwell
4. The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
5. Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser

Worst: Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Guniess world records

I was checking out the Guinness world records website this morning and saw some crazy stuff. Among the records were: "Most Rattlesnakes Sat in a Bathtub With" (75) and "Heaviest Car Balanced on the Head" (352 pounds). I love that the record is not “A Human Balancing a Car On Their Head” but the heaviest car balanced on the head. How do you go about testing your “car on head” weight tolerance anyway?

My personal favorite is the record for "Oldest Male Stripper" (if only for the picture). His name is Bernie Barker and he is 63 years young. So now I know that if Social Security isn't around when I get old I can always fall back on strippin’. . . .

No disco dancing in Disneyland

These signs are posted all over the park:

The Original El Niño

So here it is, the original recipe and instructions on how to make an El Niño margarita from Chili's. They recently changed their drinks and what used to be the best cocktail you could buy at a restaurant (based on flavor and strength) is now a sour-sweet shell of its former self.

This information was smuggled out of the Chili's archives by a former employee. I will not release the name of this defector as I fear for her safety. . . .

Magic eye picture

If you stare at this long enough you can see dolphins in 3D.

Good luck suckas. . . .

One of my favorite news articles

Boy gets trapped inside vending machine
Associated Press - May 20, 2005

A 3-year-old boy upset that his mother wouldn't let him use a crane vending machine to try to win a small stuffed animal took matters in his own hands. He climbed up the chute to get the prize himself.

Danielle Manges said she took her eyes off her son, James, for a moment to pick up a juice bottle he threw. When she looked up, he was in with the plush toys.

"I bent over to clean it and within two seconds he had climbed through the hole, into the chute and pushed the door shut so we couldn't get him out," she said. "He climbed up in the toys and was in there for a good hour."

Manges said James has been sick and sleeping odd hours so they went shopping about 3 a.m. Thursday at a Wal-Mart in the city some 15 miles east of South Bend. She let the boy play on some of the rides, but wouldn't give him money for the vending machine.

At first, Manges thought it was funny.

"He was playing with all the toys and hanging from the bar like a monkey," she said.

Manges said people leaving the store went back inside to buy disposable cameras to take photos of her son. She bought one herself.

She became upset, however, when Wal-Mart employees said they did not have a key to let James out. So Manges called the fire department for help.

"I expected his hand to be caught in the machine but it was his entire body in the machine," firefighter Anthony Coleman said. "He was swinging from a bar, jumping around. He was having a ball."

About 40 people watched as the firefighters removed the back of the machine and freed him.

James still came up empty handed.

"He definitely didn't get a toy after that," Manges said.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says: ‘You.’ After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they’re gone.

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I believe in saving the world for our children. But not for our children's children. Because I don't think kids should be having sex.

Palindrome emordnilap

A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota.
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
Bird rib.
Borrow or rob?
Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.
Dammit, I'm mad!
Devil never even lived.
Diaper sin is repaid.
Do geese see god?
Dogma: I am god.
Don't nod.
Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!
Gateman's nametag.
kayak
Live devil.
Madam in Eden, I'm Adam.
Name no one man.
Never odd or even.
Oh, cameras are macho.
Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.
racecar
radar
Rise to vote, sir.
Sex at noon taxes.
Step on no pets.
Top spot.
Was it a rat I saw?
Won't lovers revolt now?

A fantastic bumper sticker

A million dollar idea

A 21 year old college student made a million dollars by creating one simple web page. He sold 1,000,000 pixels for $1 each. People could buy pixel space and put up an image with a link to their individual site. Why didn't I think of that?!

http://www.milliondollarhomepage.com

It's amazing what you can find on eBay. . . .

Top 5 comedy movies (+ worst ever)

1. Office Space
2. Christmas Vacation
3. Anchorman
4. Half Baked
5. Billy Madison

Worst: Sister Act

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Chamber Zero-G

This is one of my favorite art installations. It's called "Chamber Zero-G" and it was created by my former professor Graham Budgett.

Funny news article

Burning desire to be fireman lands man in jail
Reuters - Fri Oct 6, 8:38 AM ET

An Australian conman who wanted to be a fireman stopped at traffic accidents to offer help and even stole a fire truck so he could impress his girlfriend with a joyride, a court heard on Friday.

Simon Francis Jobson pleaded guilty to 30 charges including fraud, theft, forgery and impersonating a public official, local media reported.

Judge Michael Forde sentenced Jobson to five years in jail but told the District Court in the Queensland state capital Brisbane that he would be eligible for parole in a year.

The court heard that Jobson had broken into Queensland fire stations, stealing uniforms, radios and safety equipment during a spree lasting from September 2003 until December 2004 - soon after he had been released from jail on similar offences.

Pretending to be a fireman, he would stop at traffic accidents and offer help, Australian Associated Press reported.

Prosecutors said Jobson had even done a fire inspection on a pub in Queensland's Sunshine Coast holiday strip and made safety suggestions that were acted upon.

He also broke into a Sunshine Coast fire station and stole a fire truck, which he used in a joyride for his girlfriend, who believed he was a fireman.

Jobson's lawyer Tony Entriken said his client wanted psychiatric treatment because he had a "burning desire to overcome his disorder."

Fourbucks

I just heard that Starbucks is raising their prices. People are now calling them "Fourbucks." Anyway, I hate them but there is one right next to my work so I find myself in there from time to time.

Tip - if they run out of the coffee you want (or it's brewing when you go to order it) they will give you a cup for FREE. So, next time you go into that zero-culture preppie shack be on the lookout. If you see something brewing order a cup. Oh, and since it's free, treat yourself to a large (or "Venti" if you're an asshole).

More rants

More things that piss me off:

1. When you stop in the road while trying to park and put your hazard lights on and some idiot pulls behind you and sits there for 5 minutes. You try and wave them on but they don't understand and then when they finally pull around you they look at you like you're the one that is crazy.

2. Toll booths. I give them my money to cross a road and somehow I end up thanking them.

3. Landlords. Why do they get to be called "lords" anyway? We should call them what they are: "land-cheapevilbastardswhohavenohumandecency."

4. When you ask someone to take your picture and they take it wrong. Yes, I only wanted to have our faces in the picture - the Eiffel Tower in the background is just a distraction.

Rants

Okay, so I realize that so far there have been more raves than rants and that just doesn't seem right given the tile of the blog. So I decided to rant a little. Here goes. . . .

A list of things that piss me off:

1. Bank statements. They are always obsolete by the time you get them. They seem to serve no purpose other than to offer up your personal information to anyone that can reach into your mailbox. Also, they are always off by a few cents and you have to decide whether or not it's worth it to wait on hold for an hour just to ask some idiot why the bank's records are off.

2. Any chores that need to be done over and over. If you know you are going to have to turn around and wash the object (shirt, dish, etc.) again within a week then it just seems to drive home the fact that you are really wasting a significant portion of you life.

3. Celine Dion

4. When you hold the door open for someone and they walk right through without acknowledging you. When this happens to me I like to say "you're welcome your majesty."

5. When you are walking down the street and you have to move completely out of someone's way because you realize that they are not going to move even a little for you. Sometimes I feel like everyone decided that we are going back to caveman rules and I didn't get the memo.

6. When they ask you for your Costco card at the door when they know damned well that you cannot buy anything in the store without your card. What are they going to do anyway? Grab you by the neck and throw you out?

What will they think of next?

A video game where the goal is to cook the perfect meal.

Top 5 ice cream flavors (+ worst ever)

1. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
2. Homemade Vanilla
3. Chocolate Chip
4. Mint Chocolate Chip
5. Butter Pecan

Worst: Rocky Road

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Top 5 board games (+ worst ever)

1. Monopoly
2. Apples to Apples: Apple Crate Edition
3. Balderdash (2003 edition with 5 categories)
4. Loaded Questions Deluxe
5. Hungry Hungry Hippos

Worst: I Love Lucy Trivia Game

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Demetri Martin

We went to a great comedy show in Hollywood last night. It opened with Leo Allen, a former SNL writer who co-created "The Falconer" sketch. Then headliner Demetri Martin came on and told about a thousand jokes. I think he is probably the funniest comedian alive.

The show was at a club called "Avalon" on Hollywood and Vine. We bumped into Alyssa Milano on the way out. She is a midget.

Poker hands

Now none of you have an excuse not to play poker with me! Click on this chart for a larger, printable version.

The dumbest song ever written

"Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly

I'd fly above the trees
Over the seas
In all degrees
To anywhere I please

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Oh I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

Lets go and see the stars
The milky way
Or even mars
Where it could just be ours

Lets fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun
Oh oh oh yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah yeah yeah

I got to get away
Feel I got to get away
Oh oh oh yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah with you yeah yeah
Oh yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah with you yeah yeah
I got to get away

I want to get away
I want to get away
I want to get away
I want to get away
Yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah with you yeah yeah
I got to get away

I want to get away
I want to get away
I want to get away
I want to get away
Yeah

I want to get away
I want to fly away
Yeah with you
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I have three bosses Bob. Three.

Well well well. It seems that two of my three bosses are not coming in this morning. Looks like I'm V.P. today and I don't plan on taking any prisoners. Tutors feel my wrath!

My video game collection

Tetris

Click here to play old school Tetris online!

Top 5 fast food restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. In-N-Out
2. Taco Bell
3. McDonald's
4. Del Taco
5. Kentucky Fried Chicken

Worst: Burger King

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

The “manmosa”

6 oz PBR
6 oz orange juice
Mix in pint glass and drink fast!

This recipe was given to me by my brother Jacob and I have to say that it isn’t that bad (although saying that “it isn’t bad” doesn’t necessarily mean it's good). I can actually see the hair growing on my chest as I drink it.