Everything must go!

It's the end of 2008 and it's time to clear out all of my old blog ideas. I keep a running list of potential posts and in order to prepare for the new year I have decided to compile them all together and post them here for your entertainment pleasure.

Lemming suicide is fiction
Contrary to popular belief, lemmings don't commit suicide by running off of cliffs. The myth was created by a Disney filmmaker that herded them off of a cliff for a nature "documentary."

Kid Rock is a joke
Watch as one man systematically destroys Kid Rock's latest music video.

GOOG-411
Free 411 from any phone. This service will also send you a text message with the number and address of any business.

The new thing
The Whitest Kids You Know have started a trend. I am definitely trying this out the next time I hang out with a group of friends.

Yet another joke

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were going to say, "I wish that cop would have tried that shit with me!"

Sticky?

I am smack in the middle of finals so I hope you will excuse the lack of posts as of late. Please do enjoy this classic clip from "The Soup." I have watched it at least a dozen times and I swear it never gets old.

More riddles

1. Two fathers and two sons go fishing. Each of them catches one fish but they bring home only three fish. Why?

2. Everyone removes their hat for me. Who am I?

3. I am black when bought, red when used and gray when discarded. What am I?

4. I belong to you, but most often I am used by others. What am I?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Life immitates art

Okay people, we have a problem. Exactly one day after I posted the joke about the alligator in the bar, the following article came out in the news:

Man arrives at bar with pet alligator; Cops called
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 13, 2008

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. – Heard the one about the guy who walked into a bar with an alligator? At Johnny's Saloon in Orange County, it was more than a joke early Saturday when a man arrived with his 3-foot pet gator on a leash.

By the time police and animal control officers arrived at Johnny's, the gator was in the man's vehicle in the parking lot. Officers followed him home, where another alligator was found, animal control spokesman Ryan Drabek said.

Both alligators were impounded and were being held Wednesday pending an investigation by the Department of Fish and Game, Drabek said.

I don't know which of my readers was in Huntington Beach yesterday but I feel that I must express my concern. Please do not attempt to imitate anything posted on this blog. I do not want to be responsible for anyone's junk being bitten off by an alligator, or a squirrel for that matter (see post Would you rather . . .). I am starting to see a pretty disturbing theme developing within my blog.

Bar joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and put my balls inside, leave 'em there for five minutes, then remove 'em unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and puts his balls into the alligator's mouth. The gator then closes his mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of his head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a guy in the bar speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

My gift to you

Looking for a gift that will knock the socks off of your loved ones this holiday season? I present to you the perfect present: a poster of everyone’s favorite cheeseburger-inhaling alcoholic, David Hasselhoff. He is selling posters of himself on his website and as you can see from this example, they are pretty dang sweet.



Click here to check out the whole assortment.

A great moment in history

November 4th, 2008 will undoubtedly go down in history as a day on which people put aside their petty differences and came together to focus on what is really important. It is a day that people will look back on with feelings of honor and pride. I am speaking of course about the fact that on November 4th, 2008 - I got to meet Joel McHale.





My wife Debbie and I went to see him perform his stand-up routine and it was fantastic. He talked for an hour and a half and I laughed so hard I cried a little.

After the show we got to meet him and I am happy to report that he is a really nice guy. We talked for a while and before we left he recorded the outgoing message on my cell phone's voice mail. Sweet!

A true Lego maniac

Check out this photo from Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's latest "high fashion" clothing line. His Lego themed garments were shown at this year's Fashion Week in Paris.



Jean-Charles' line inspired me to create a high fashion concept of my own. I now present to you "He-Man couture."

Halloween costumes

Every year the National Retail Federation publishes a list of the most popular Halloween costumes in the US. Here are this year's results.

Top Children's Costumes 2008

1. Princess (generic)
2. Witch
3. Hannah Montana
4. Spider-Man
5. Pirate
6. "Star Wars" character
7. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
8. Batman
9. Princess (Disney)
10. Tie between Ghost & Athlete/Sports Figure

Top Adult's Costumes 2008

1. Witch
2. Pirate
3. Vampire
4. Cat
5. Tie between Fairy & Nurse
6. Tie between Batman & Political Figure (McCain, Obama, Palin)
7. Ghost
8. Angel
9. Tie between Clown & Wench/Tart/Vixen
10. Tie between Sports Figure, French Maid & Queen

Top Pet's Costumes 2008

1. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
2. Devil
3. Witch
4. Princess
5. Tie between Hot Dog & Superman
6. Bee
7. Bow Tie/Fancy collar
8. Ghost
9. Black Cat
10. Tie between Angel & Reindeer/Deer

Schwarzenegger + Japanese TV = awesome!

Optical illusions

Is this an old woman or a young lady? Look closely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you stare at the "+" sign the pink dot will turn green.

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The two objects below are exactly the same size.

Bar-tailed godwhat?

This is amazing. Scientists just discovered that a bird known as the "bar-tailed godwit" can fly up to eight days straight without stopping. The bird they were tracking flew from Alaska to New Zealand (7,270 miles) day and night without stopping to sleep or eat!

Random Rants

Random things that piss me off:

1. When I hold the door open for someone while entering a restaurant or fast food place and they walk right through and get in line in front of me.

2. Healthy people that are judgmental. I see the disgusted look you are giving me while I sip my 44 ounce mega-soda. Back off - I need it to live.

3. Competitive license plate frames/bumper stickers. "My dog is smarter than your honor student" comes to mind. I saw a license plate frame the other day that said "World's Best Grandma". Oh really? Well step off fool because my grandma's a saint. How do you even go about quantifying a statement like that? What are we basing the title on? Baking skills? Hugging stamina? Overall strength? Physical attractiveness?

That settles it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying a "Best Grandma in the Known Universe" bumper sticker.

Best headline ever

Mom brings rabid bat to school, lets kids touch it
Associated Press - October 7, 2008

About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased.

The mother of two students gave presentations in five classrooms and allowed the kids to touch the dead bat last week. She offered each student who touched the bat a sanitary wipe.

The exposed students will receive six shots of anti-rabies vaccine.

Stevensville Elementary School officials say they will use liability insurance to pay up to $70,000 for the exposed children to be vaccinated. The overall cost could surpass $150,000.

The school has since set a policy requiring that anyone visiting the school obtain a visitor pass.

Top 5 ethnic groups (+ worst ever)

Woah. I cannot believe that you are reading this post. I wrote this as a joke but obviously the title caught your eye and you were curious to see what my views are. You were probably thinking to yourself "does he hate the same races as me?". The answer to that is a resounding "no" (unless you don't hate any races at all and then my answer would be "yes, I don't hate any races too - except for marathons, those things seem like way too much work").

Anyway, I pride myself as being color blind. Not really color blind, I mean I'm not a freak (sorry to my brother Aaron, my grandpa, and my friends Pete and Jim - I love you all despite your embarrassing handicap). What I mean to say is that I don't see the color of people's skin. You could line up a group of people from all over the world and ask me to identify their color and I would literally answer something like ". . . blue?".

This all reminds me of a joke:

Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you freaking racist.

Looks like somebody needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Chuck Norris facts

Okay so I know these have been around forever but I still think they are worth posting. I scoured the intraweb for the best ones so I hope you enjoy.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Happy day

I want to go back to Belize!

Riddles

1. The first person made me but did not use me. The second person bought me and sold me. The third person used me but never saw me. What am I?

2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?

3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?

4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Hey Crackhead

A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Technology is not for everyone

Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.

Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

And my personal favorite:

"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)

Truly breathtaking*

*Awesome title, I know.

I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.





It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.

Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)

1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*

Worst: [redacted]*

*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!

More pick-up lines

If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.

Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!

Celine Dion should be drowned

According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.

Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007

A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.

She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.

A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

Top 5 excuses for neglecting my blog (+ worst ever)

1. Out of the country (Belize and Guatemala)
2. Car problems (clutch burnt out 400 miles from home)
3. Apartment problems (a hole in ceiling, a-hole maintenance person)
4. Out of town (visiting family, wedding, etc.)
5. Enrolling in teaching credential program

Worst: Playing video games

Rat turds

I can't believe you actually typed "rat turds" into the search bar. That is just gross. Just what exactly did you expect to find? A picture of rat turds? A rat turd fan page?! Well sorry to disappoint you, sicko.

Note: If you stumbled upon this post in the More Rants than Raves archives, you are probably confused. Click here for clarification.

All right, all right, all right

I heard a rumor that Matthew McConaughey's nephew is named after a brand of beer. I thought this was too good to be true but it turns out that it is indeed a fact. According to IMBD Matthew McConaughey's brother "Rooster" named his son "Miller Lyte McConaughey." The site also states that Matthew "doesn't wear deodorant or cologne" and is "afraid of revolving doors." You can't make this stuff up.


Rooster (left) and his famoso bro Mateo (right).

There will be links

Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm a blog man you will agree. As a blog man, I hope that you'll forgive just good old fashioned plain-speaking. Over the course of my online career I have been fortunate enough to stumble upon a variety of websites that boggle the mind and stimulate the soul. It is my intention to post links to these sites for you fine people to peruse at your convenience. I will post this list of links on the upper left side of this blog and I will update them as I see fit. It is my hope that by viewing these sites you will find entertainment and enjoyment beyond compare. Happy hunting.

Living high on the hog

3 words: hi nik kin

My 30th birthday is this weekend and my better half is throwing me a party. Friends and family are coming over for video games, horseshoes, pool basketball, cake, and a Heineken keg. I can't wait. The last time I was drinking off a Heineken keg my brothers and I stayed up all night and ended up spraying down the neighborhood with a fire extinguisher.

The mark of the beast

I went to Baker's fast food today and my order came out to an even $6.66. I'm not really religious but I will say that there is something quite unsettling about getting handed a scrap of paper with Satan's signature on it while preparing to feast on the delicious flesh of a slaughtered calf.

My favorite performance artist

Tehching Hsieh is a New York City-based performance artist who has done some incredible projects. Here are some brief descriptions of my favorite performances.

1978-79 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/29/78 to 9/30/79 Hsieh remained in a cage without talking, reading, writing, listening to the radio or watching TV.

1980-1981 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 4/11/80 to 4/11/81 Hsieh punched a time clock every hour on the hour (day and night) in the same location. He took a picture of himself each time he punched the clock and put the images together to make a 6 minute movie. He shaved his head before he started the piece and you can watch his hair grow throughout the video.

1981-1982 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/26/81 to 9/26/82 Hsieh stayed outdoors without shelter, refusing to enter any building, subway, train, car, airplane, ship, cave, or tent.

1983-84 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 7/4/83 to 7/4/84 Hsieh and a woman named Linda Montano lived tied together at the waist by an 8 foot rope, being careful never to touch each other. The two did not know each other before the piece began.

Is that a synthesizer in your pocket?

I am really excited about the latest music video game coming to the Nintendo DS. According to IGN.com: "KORG is teaming with AQ Interactive to bring a true music creation tool to the DS with KORG DS-10, which is basically a synthesizer and mix tool that fits in your pocket. We were stunned the first time we heard the quality of audio that comes from this uniqe [sic] game, and while its extremely technical (it acts like a professional piece of software), it also looks extremely simple to get into and start creating with."



Now all I need is a saxophone game and I can make some kick-ass slow jams.

I know what I want for my birthday

Safety in numbers for speeding drivers
Reuters (article excerpt) - May 7, 2008

Speeding drivers in south China are getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers on their licence plates in seconds, state media said on Tuesday.

"More than 50 percent of cars caught on camera for speeding and other offences either cover up their plates or use a fake licence plate," a traffic policeman in the Guangdong city of Yangjiang was quoted by the Beijing Youth Daily as saying.

"Our chances of capturing them is next to nil."

The price of the remote-control device starts at around 800 yuan ($115), while a more advanced apparatus with the ability to flip over the numbers in less than three seconds costs more than double.

"The era of covering up the licence plate by hand has passed," a driver surnamed Zheng told the newspaper.

Caffeine amounts in popular drinks!!!!!!!

Starbucks Tall Coffee =========== 21.67 mg/oz
Starbucks Double Shot =========== 20.00 mg/oz
Coffee (Drip) =================== 18.13 mg/oz
Einstein Bros Coffee ============ 12.88 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Americano == 12.50 mg/oz
SoBe No Fear ==================== 10.88 mg/oz
Monster Energy Drink ============ 10.00 mg/oz
Rockstar ======================== 10.00 mg/oz
Red Bull ======================== 9.64 mg/oz
SoBe Adrenaline Rush ============ 9.52 mg/oz
Mad-Croc Energy Drink =========== 9.47 mg/oz
Starbucks Bottled Frappucino ==== 9.47 mg/oz
Jolt Cola ======================= 9.36 mg/oz
McDonald's Coffee =============== 9.08 mg/oz
TaB Energy ====================== 9.05 mg/oz
Full Throttle Energy Drink ====== 9.00 mg/oz
Dunkin' Donuts Coffee =========== 8.94 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Amp ================ 8.93 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Mocha ====== 7.92 mg/oz
Hansen's Energy ================= 6.87 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Latte ====== 6.25 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Cappuccino ======= 6.25 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Game Fuel ========== 6.00 mg/oz
SoBe Essential Energy =========== 6.00 mg/oz
Tazo Chai ======================= 5.88 mg/oz
Tea (Brewed or Iced) ============ 5.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Blak ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi Max ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Mountain Dew (Reg. or Diet) ===== 4.58 mg/oz
Pepsi One ======================= 4.58 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Baja Blast ========= 4.50 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Code Red =========== 4.50 mg/oz
Diet RC Cola ==================== 3.94 mg/oz
TaB ============================= 3.88 mg/oz
RC Cola ========================= 3.77 mg/oz
Diet Coke ======================= 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Lime (or Lemon) == 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Vanilla Coke =============== 3.75 mg/oz
RC Cola, Cherry ================= 3.60 mg/oz
Shasta Cola ===================== 3.58 mg/oz
Diet Sunkist Orange Soda ======== 3.50 mg/oz
Dr Pepper (Reg. or Diet) ======== 3.42 mg/oz
Sunkist Orange Soda ============= 3.42 mg/oz
Pibb Xtra ======================= 3.38 mg/oz
Diet Mr. Pibb =================== 3.33 mg/oz
Pepsi-Cola ====================== 3.17 mg/oz
Wild Cherry Pepsi =============== 3.17 mg/oz
Tea (Green) ===================== 3.13 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi ====================== 3.00 mg/oz
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi ========== 3.00 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Classic =============== 2.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Zero ================== 2.88 mg/oz
Cherry Coke (Reg. or Diet) ====== 2.83 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Splenda ========== 2.83 mg/oz
Vanilla Coke ==================== 2.83 mg/oz
Snapple Teas ==================== 2.63 mg/oz
Propel Invigorating Water ======= 2.50 mg/oz
Lipton Iced Teas ================ 2.50 mg/oz
A&W Cream Soda ================== 2.42 mg/oz
Nestea Iced Tea ================= 2.13 mg/oz
Barq's Root Beer ================ 1.88 mg/oz
Diet A&W Cream Soda ============= 1.83 mg/oz
SoBe Green Tea ================== 1.75 mg/oz
Crystal Light Iced Tea ========== 1.41 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Decaf Coffee ===== 0.79 mg/oz
Lipton Brisk Teas =============== 0.75 mg/oz
Chocolate Milk ================== 0.63 mg/oz
Hot Cocoa ======================= 0.63 mg/oz

Sprite, 7-Up, A&W Root Beer, Mug Root Beer, Diet Barq's Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Minute Maid Orange, Slice, Squirt and Fresca all have no caffeine. Information in this post was found at energyfiend.com.

What doesn't happen when you're drunk?

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing
BBC News - April 17, 2008

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.

Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.

He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.

Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.

"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.

'We were drinking'

Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.

The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.

At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.

After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.

Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".

His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Joke recommender

A professor at UC Berkley has designed a website that uses a computer algorithm to recommend jokes to people based on their ratings of previous jokes. Go to eigentaste.berkeley.edu to check it out. I know this is hard to read but I really wanted to post in yellow!

My Xbox Live gamercard

I've been busy breaking in my new Xbox and I thought I would post my gamercard for all to see. This nifty little widget shows the games I'm currently playing, along with my gamer photo, my achievement points and my video game moniker: Pigbutt McGee. If you have a 360 make sure to add me as a friend so we can meet up online and shoot some punk teenagers!

Hobo chic

The new season of ANTM (America's Next Top Model) is off to a nice start. Tonight's episode featured a homeless photo shoot. Tyra had her model minions pose as derelicts while actual homeless people slouched in the background. The best part is that Tyra dressed up the homeless people in high fashion clothing for the shoot, giving them a small taste of the good life before kicking their collective asses (back) to the curb.

After the shoot she congratulated the models for raising social awareness about homelessness by posing for these pictures. I could almost see the shock and horror on people's faces all across America as they came to the realization that homeless people do in fact exist. Job well done Tyra. Job well done.

I knew it!

I'm sorry

To my devoted readers: I am so sorry I let you down. I know that you rely on this blog for distraction and procrastination and I have not updated it for over a month. You see, I got everything on my Christmas list and started a new job all within the same week. This killer combination of responsibility and video games left me with no time to update my sites.

After a while I started to get complaints (which was sort of nice since it means that people are actually reading this thing) and I realized the error of my ways. I promise to make time to update this blog, regardless of how many other responsibilities I undertake. After all, I need some distraction and procrastination too.

I searched the internet to find an appropriate card for the occasion. Thanks to dgreetings.com for articulating what I could not say.