Let me guess, you’re confused. Why would anyone celebrate the third of July? Well just because I’m a day earlier than my “friend” the Fourth of July doesn’t mean I’m any less significant. Lots of stuff happened on my day too. For example, on July 3rd of the year 324 Constantine I defeated Licinius in the Battle of Adrianople. So there’s that.
Constantine
I know that you’re going to say that "without the Fourth of July, there wouldn’t be a United States." Well, guess what? On July 3rd, 1890 Idaho was admitted as the 43rd of these United States. That’s right, if it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be an Idaho. Then where would we get all our potatoes from? Those damn Irish?
Okay that sounded racist. I want to go on record saying that the Third of July is not racist. It’s just that the Seventeenth of March is always bragging about how awesome he is and I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m also afraid that if he hears that I hate the Irish he’ll bare-knuckle box me to the ground.
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