Chuck Norris facts

Okay so I know these have been around forever but I still think they are worth posting. I scoured the intraweb for the best ones so I hope you enjoy.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Happy day

I want to go back to Belize!

Riddles

1. The first person made me but did not use me. The second person bought me and sold me. The third person used me but never saw me. What am I?

2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?

3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?

4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Hey Crackhead

A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)

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Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Technology is not for everyone

Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.

Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

And my personal favorite:

"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)

Truly breathtaking*

*Awesome title, I know.

I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.





It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.

Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)

1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*

Worst: [redacted]*

*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!

More pick-up lines

If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.

Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!

Celine Dion should be drowned

According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.

Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007

A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.

She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.

A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

Top 5 excuses for neglecting my blog (+ worst ever)

1. Out of the country (Belize and Guatemala)
2. Car problems (clutch burnt out 400 miles from home)
3. Apartment problems (a hole in ceiling, a-hole maintenance person)
4. Out of town (visiting family, wedding, etc.)
5. Enrolling in teaching credential program

Worst: Playing video games

Rat turds

I can't believe you actually typed "rat turds" into the search bar. That is just gross. Just what exactly did you expect to find? A picture of rat turds? A rat turd fan page?! Well sorry to disappoint you, sicko.

Note: If you stumbled upon this post in the More Rants than Raves archives, you are probably confused. Click here for clarification.

All right, all right, all right

I heard a rumor that Matthew McConaughey's nephew is named after a brand of beer. I thought this was too good to be true but it turns out that it is indeed a fact. According to IMBD Matthew McConaughey's brother "Rooster" named his son "Miller Lyte McConaughey." The site also states that Matthew "doesn't wear deodorant or cologne" and is "afraid of revolving doors." You can't make this stuff up.


Rooster (left) and his famoso bro Mateo (right).

There will be links

Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm a blog man you will agree. As a blog man, I hope that you'll forgive just good old fashioned plain-speaking. Over the course of my online career I have been fortunate enough to stumble upon a variety of websites that boggle the mind and stimulate the soul. It is my intention to post links to these sites for you fine people to peruse at your convenience. I will post this list of links on the upper left side of this blog and I will update them as I see fit. It is my hope that by viewing these sites you will find entertainment and enjoyment beyond compare. Happy hunting.

Living high on the hog

3 words: hi nik kin

My 30th birthday is this weekend and my better half is throwing me a party. Friends and family are coming over for video games, horseshoes, pool basketball, cake, and a Heineken keg. I can't wait. The last time I was drinking off a Heineken keg my brothers and I stayed up all night and ended up spraying down the neighborhood with a fire extinguisher.

The mark of the beast

I went to Baker's fast food today and my order came out to an even $6.66. I'm not really religious but I will say that there is something quite unsettling about getting handed a scrap of paper with Satan's signature on it while preparing to feast on the delicious flesh of a slaughtered calf.

My favorite performance artist

Tehching Hsieh is a New York City-based performance artist who has done some incredible projects. Here are some brief descriptions of my favorite performances.

1978-79 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/29/78 to 9/30/79 Hsieh remained in a cage without talking, reading, writing, listening to the radio or watching TV.

1980-1981 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 4/11/80 to 4/11/81 Hsieh punched a time clock every hour on the hour (day and night) in the same location. He took a picture of himself each time he punched the clock and put the images together to make a 6 minute movie. He shaved his head before he started the piece and you can watch his hair grow throughout the video.

1981-1982 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/26/81 to 9/26/82 Hsieh stayed outdoors without shelter, refusing to enter any building, subway, train, car, airplane, ship, cave, or tent.

1983-84 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 7/4/83 to 7/4/84 Hsieh and a woman named Linda Montano lived tied together at the waist by an 8 foot rope, being careful never to touch each other. The two did not know each other before the piece began.

Is that a synthesizer in your pocket?

I am really excited about the latest music video game coming to the Nintendo DS. According to IGN.com: "KORG is teaming with AQ Interactive to bring a true music creation tool to the DS with KORG DS-10, which is basically a synthesizer and mix tool that fits in your pocket. We were stunned the first time we heard the quality of audio that comes from this uniqe [sic] game, and while its extremely technical (it acts like a professional piece of software), it also looks extremely simple to get into and start creating with."



Now all I need is a saxophone game and I can make some kick-ass slow jams.

I know what I want for my birthday

Safety in numbers for speeding drivers
Reuters (article excerpt) - May 7, 2008

Speeding drivers in south China are getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers on their licence plates in seconds, state media said on Tuesday.

"More than 50 percent of cars caught on camera for speeding and other offences either cover up their plates or use a fake licence plate," a traffic policeman in the Guangdong city of Yangjiang was quoted by the Beijing Youth Daily as saying.

"Our chances of capturing them is next to nil."

The price of the remote-control device starts at around 800 yuan ($115), while a more advanced apparatus with the ability to flip over the numbers in less than three seconds costs more than double.

"The era of covering up the licence plate by hand has passed," a driver surnamed Zheng told the newspaper.

Caffeine amounts in popular drinks!!!!!!!

Starbucks Tall Coffee =========== 21.67 mg/oz
Starbucks Double Shot =========== 20.00 mg/oz
Coffee (Drip) =================== 18.13 mg/oz
Einstein Bros Coffee ============ 12.88 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Americano == 12.50 mg/oz
SoBe No Fear ==================== 10.88 mg/oz
Monster Energy Drink ============ 10.00 mg/oz
Rockstar ======================== 10.00 mg/oz
Red Bull ======================== 9.64 mg/oz
SoBe Adrenaline Rush ============ 9.52 mg/oz
Mad-Croc Energy Drink =========== 9.47 mg/oz
Starbucks Bottled Frappucino ==== 9.47 mg/oz
Jolt Cola ======================= 9.36 mg/oz
McDonald's Coffee =============== 9.08 mg/oz
TaB Energy ====================== 9.05 mg/oz
Full Throttle Energy Drink ====== 9.00 mg/oz
Dunkin' Donuts Coffee =========== 8.94 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Amp ================ 8.93 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Mocha ====== 7.92 mg/oz
Hansen's Energy ================= 6.87 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Latte ====== 6.25 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Cappuccino ======= 6.25 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Game Fuel ========== 6.00 mg/oz
SoBe Essential Energy =========== 6.00 mg/oz
Tazo Chai ======================= 5.88 mg/oz
Tea (Brewed or Iced) ============ 5.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Blak ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi Max ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Mountain Dew (Reg. or Diet) ===== 4.58 mg/oz
Pepsi One ======================= 4.58 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Baja Blast ========= 4.50 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Code Red =========== 4.50 mg/oz
Diet RC Cola ==================== 3.94 mg/oz
TaB ============================= 3.88 mg/oz
RC Cola ========================= 3.77 mg/oz
Diet Coke ======================= 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Lime (or Lemon) == 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Vanilla Coke =============== 3.75 mg/oz
RC Cola, Cherry ================= 3.60 mg/oz
Shasta Cola ===================== 3.58 mg/oz
Diet Sunkist Orange Soda ======== 3.50 mg/oz
Dr Pepper (Reg. or Diet) ======== 3.42 mg/oz
Sunkist Orange Soda ============= 3.42 mg/oz
Pibb Xtra ======================= 3.38 mg/oz
Diet Mr. Pibb =================== 3.33 mg/oz
Pepsi-Cola ====================== 3.17 mg/oz
Wild Cherry Pepsi =============== 3.17 mg/oz
Tea (Green) ===================== 3.13 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi ====================== 3.00 mg/oz
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi ========== 3.00 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Classic =============== 2.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Zero ================== 2.88 mg/oz
Cherry Coke (Reg. or Diet) ====== 2.83 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Splenda ========== 2.83 mg/oz
Vanilla Coke ==================== 2.83 mg/oz
Snapple Teas ==================== 2.63 mg/oz
Propel Invigorating Water ======= 2.50 mg/oz
Lipton Iced Teas ================ 2.50 mg/oz
A&W Cream Soda ================== 2.42 mg/oz
Nestea Iced Tea ================= 2.13 mg/oz
Barq's Root Beer ================ 1.88 mg/oz
Diet A&W Cream Soda ============= 1.83 mg/oz
SoBe Green Tea ================== 1.75 mg/oz
Crystal Light Iced Tea ========== 1.41 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Decaf Coffee ===== 0.79 mg/oz
Lipton Brisk Teas =============== 0.75 mg/oz
Chocolate Milk ================== 0.63 mg/oz
Hot Cocoa ======================= 0.63 mg/oz

Sprite, 7-Up, A&W Root Beer, Mug Root Beer, Diet Barq's Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Minute Maid Orange, Slice, Squirt and Fresca all have no caffeine. Information in this post was found at energyfiend.com.

What doesn't happen when you're drunk?

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing
BBC News - April 17, 2008

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.

Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.

He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.

Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.

"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.

'We were drinking'

Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.

The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.

At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.

After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.

Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".

His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Joke recommender

A professor at UC Berkley has designed a website that uses a computer algorithm to recommend jokes to people based on their ratings of previous jokes. Go to eigentaste.berkeley.edu to check it out. I know this is hard to read but I really wanted to post in yellow!

My Xbox Live gamercard

I've been busy breaking in my new Xbox and I thought I would post my gamercard for all to see. This nifty little widget shows the games I'm currently playing, along with my gamer photo, my achievement points and my video game moniker: Pigbutt McGee. If you have a 360 make sure to add me as a friend so we can meet up online and shoot some punk teenagers!

Hobo chic

The new season of ANTM (America's Next Top Model) is off to a nice start. Tonight's episode featured a homeless photo shoot. Tyra had her model minions pose as derelicts while actual homeless people slouched in the background. The best part is that Tyra dressed up the homeless people in high fashion clothing for the shoot, giving them a small taste of the good life before kicking their collective asses (back) to the curb.

After the shoot she congratulated the models for raising social awareness about homelessness by posing for these pictures. I could almost see the shock and horror on people's faces all across America as they came to the realization that homeless people do in fact exist. Job well done Tyra. Job well done.

I knew it!

I'm sorry

To my devoted readers: I am so sorry I let you down. I know that you rely on this blog for distraction and procrastination and I have not updated it for over a month. You see, I got everything on my Christmas list and started a new job all within the same week. This killer combination of responsibility and video games left me with no time to update my sites.

After a while I started to get complaints (which was sort of nice since it means that people are actually reading this thing) and I realized the error of my ways. I promise to make time to update this blog, regardless of how many other responsibilities I undertake. After all, I need some distraction and procrastination too.

I searched the internet to find an appropriate card for the occasion. Thanks to dgreetings.com for articulating what I could not say.

Saved by Saved by the Bell

I used to love to watch Saved by the Bell when I was younger. Now I realize that it is probably the most important television program in history. The lessons that I learned from this show are invaluable. The video excerpt below is just one little nugget extracted from the voluminous archives of this classic show. If I had never seen Jessie Spano's struggle with caffeine pills I would probably have ended up on a street corner somewhere turning tricks for Vivarin.

I got game(s)

I have been obsessed with video games for so long I almost forgot my roots! I've loved to play board games since I was little and have a amassed a pretty good collection over the years. I recently dusted them off and put them on display so that the next time we have company I can bust 'em out.

Hobosexual

The urban word of the day today is "hobosexual."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj the opposite of metrosexual; one who cares little for
one's own appearance.

Examples: Michael Moore, Peter Jackson.
First documented hobosexual - John the Baptist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

While I am excited to see that the hobo is finding his place in pop culture, I have to disagree with this definition. I would argue that hobo fashion is on its way to making a comeback. Don't be surprised when in 2010 you see people sporting patchy coats, fat wrinkled ties and blown out top hats.

You may also want to consider some of the other definitions from the Urban Dictionary. My personal favorite is below.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj to be sexually aroused by homeless people.

Example: "Heather you are a hobosexual because you have
sex with homeless people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fear that poor Heather is in need of some serious counseling.

Duty calls

So, it is time once again that I engage in the age old American tradition that our forefathers fought and died for. I am speaking of course of the tradition of avoiding jury duty. I have done this successfully in the past but it seems that this time the man has tracked me down. Since I do not have the $250-$1000 required to pay the fine, I fear that I must go.

I called the number on my (second) jury notice today and was confronted with one of those annoying robotic voice prompts that is supposed to respond to whatever you say into your phone receiver. Of course these things never work and I always end up verbally abusing the poor computer voice. This time, however, I was routed to a Spanish speaking robot. Words cannot convey the joy I felt at the realization that my Spanish speaking skills were still strong enough to give that robotic beyotch a piece of my mind.

The Downward Spiral of Deepening Alienation

Image taken from When Corporations Rule The World by David C. Korten.

I know that posting this right on top of my Christmas list may not make sense but what can I say? Ryan Danger Sims is a complicated man.

Dear Santa

A lie told well

A good friend of mine has created a blog that combines his two foremost skills, quick wit and written verbosity, into a slightly offensive (yet undeniably funny) cocktail that's sure to please. His name is Colonel Gentleman and his blog tells his story. Visit alietoldwell.blogspot.com to learn more.

Is Gmail calling me ugly?

I am not too sure about the ads that have been appearing in my email account lately. Gmail's website says that these ads have been chosen specifically for me because they contain "content relevant to (my) specific interests." The following advertisements were displayed next to an email I wrote today. Am I crazy or is Gmail making fun of me?

Top 5 band names (+ worst ever)

1. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
2. Rage Against the Machine
3. Sonic Youth
4. The Band
5. Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Worst: Hoobastank

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Those crazy Vytorin ads

Whenever I see a commercial for Vytorin I don't know weather to laugh or cry. My theory about these ads is that, in order to save money, the company raided a nursing home and tricked the old people into being in their ads for free.

I can see it now: "Hey Turkey Face, look alive!", "Egg Eyes, put that hat back on or no pills for you!" I think that Taco Lady is my favorite because her outfit is such an obvious stretch. They must have been like, "We can't find anyone who looks like a taco so let's make a hat that looks like one and throw it on that woman's head."

Movie mistakes

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) has a section that reveals all of the mistakes or "goofs" that can be found in popular movies. Click here to visit the site and search for mistakes in your favorite flicks.

Update (1/21/11): Unfortunately IMDb has removed it's "goofs" page. Click here to see another archive of movie mistakes.

Top 5 types of cheese (+ worst ever)

1. Cambozola
2. St. André
3. Boursin (original flavor)
4. Feta
5. Extra sharp cheddar

Worst: London Fog

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Famous people I have met

(ranked by how nice they were to me)

Tony Hawk - I approached him while I was working at an Apple store and tried to sell him a copy of the video game: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice.

Lyle Alzado - My dad played football with him and he used to come over to my house for dinner when I was a wee tike. I don't remember this but my parents say he was cool.

Mark Z. Danielewski - When he signed my copy of House of Leaves I told him to make it out to eBay. I am not sure that he knew I was joking but he was pretty nice about it.

Ralph Nader - I asked him for career advice and he suggested volunteer work. I can't survive off of self-satisfaction alone, Ralph.

Mark Hoppus - Sold him and his wife a computer. This "tough guy" from Blink 182 made me do all the heavy lifting and didn't even give me a tip.

Chali 2na - I met him when he was in Jurrasic 5 (pre-Ozomatli). He wasn't that cool but I got him to sign the back of my driver's license, making it an interesting conversation piece.

Beck - Beck refused to talk to me and had his security guards remove me from his sight. Okay, I did pretend like I was with the band and snuck backstage, but who knew Beck's such a hater?

If you have met anyone in the public eye and want to share a story please add a comment to this post.

Everyone loves a good bigfoot sighting

Pa. hunter's images stir Bigfoot debate
Associated Press - October 28, 2007



It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.

Rick Jacobs says he got the pictures from a camera with an automatic trigger that he fastened to a tree in the Allegheny National Forest, about 115 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, hoping to photograph deer.

"We couldn't figure out what they were," Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. "I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this."

He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada.

"It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.

However, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has a more conventional opinion. Agency spokesman Jerry Feaser said conservation officers routinely trap bears to be tagged and often see animals that look like the photos.

"There is no question it is a bear with a severe case of mange," Feaser told The Bradford Era.




It's good to see that Harry is alive and well. I wonder if the photographer baited him with a delicious McDonald's fish sandwich. . . .

Act 4: The Ménage à Trois

McDonald's Monopoly maddness

I ate at McDonald's a couple of days ago and noticed that they are hosting a Monopoly prize game again. I wanted to post a few facts about the interesting history of this sweepstakes.

• From at least 1995 to 2001 the games were rigged. A man named Jerome Jacobsen, director of security for Simon Marketing (the company that created the play pieces for McDonald's), embezzled over $20 million in prizes. Jacobsen accomplished this by stealing high-value game pieces and distributing them to his family and friends who claimed the prizes and split the proceeds with him.

• In 1995 St. Jude's Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee received an anonymous letter containing a winning game piece worth $1 million. While it was later revealed that Jacobson sent the piece to the hospital, McDonald's did award the money to St. Jude's.

• Only one property sticker per monopoly is a rare piece that's crucial for winning each prize. I put together the following table to show how the prizes break down.



Information in this article was compiled from a variety of sources including Yahoo! News, Wikipedia, McDonalds.com, CNN, and the Associated Press.

Pop quiz hot shot!

I am happy to report that over 20 people voted on my "would you rather" quiz! The results are as follows:

Would you rather . . .
• have a little red blinking light in the lower corner of your vision (76%)
• have a constant pinging in your ear (24%)

Would you rather . . .
• eat a handful of chicken feathers (25%)
• eat five tablespoons of frog eggs (75%)

Would you rather . . .
• save all your photo albums and computers from a house fire (35%)
• save the family pet(s) (65%)

Would you rather . . .
• as a writer, lose your life's work because your computer crashed (78%)
• have someone steal your idea and make a fortune (22%)

Would you rather . . .
• be completely alone with nobody in the vicinity for one year (67%)
• never be alone for even one minute for one year (33%)

Would you rather . . .
• be able to fly (17%)
• be able to become invisible (83%)

Would you rather . . .
• eat one small bar of hotel soap (69%)
• eat six sticks of butter (31%)

Would you rather . . .
• stick your hand into a sealed box of rattlesnakes (31%)
• stick your hand into a box filled with unknown contents that are making a buzzing sound (69%)

Please feel free to comment on these results and explain your decisions (i.e. attempt to convince others that your answers are correct and that their answers are completely ridiculous).

My faith in humanity has been restored

Today I attended the E for All video game expo in LA. While on the show floor a woman next to me found a wad of cash on the ground which looked like it contained at least $100. Immediately upon finding the money she started tapping shoulders and asking people around her if the money was theirs. Everyone said that it didn't belong to them and I congratulated the woman on her honesty.

I don't know what pleased me the most about this situation; the fact that the lady tried to return the money or that the people didn't falsely claim it. Way to go human race!

Vocal impressions

Click here for samples of my vocal impressions.

Guitar Hero tournament

Last Friday I played in my first Guitar Hero tournament. I was eliminated pretty early but my friend Jim actually took home the trophy! Well, actually there was no trophy . . . and he wasn’t technically acknowledged as the winner.

You see the contest was based on percentages, not points and Jim’s guitar lost its connection for about 20 seconds during his song. Despite this handicap he powered through, dominating his rival in points scored and general rockoutability. The percentage points were awarded to Jim’s opponent but everyone attending (including the crowned “winner”) acknowledged Jim as the true face-melting rock champion.


Jim avenging my loss.

The real Hobo McGee

My name on MySpace is Hobo McGee and I secured the url myspace.com/hobomcgee long ago. So you can imagine my surprise when I checked my account today to find a message from a woman claiming to be "the real Hobo McGee." Her email is below (click on it to make it larger and easier to read).



Of course, I had to set the record straight.

Squirrel taxidermy on eBay

"Grey squirrel in hunting outfit"



"Grey squirrel riding a chopper bike"



"Fox squirrel rowing in canoe"

Cheap laughs

I just realized that instead of shelling out money for funny t-shirts I can simply post pictures of them on my blog. Just pretend that I own these shirts and you saw me wearing them at a really cool party.

I got married!

You may have noticed the lack of entries in this blog over the last few months. The reason is that on September 2nd I got married to an amazing girl. She is the funniest person I have ever met (and the fact that she's a super hot blond doesn't hurt).



The preparation for the wedding was intense but now that it is over I will try to resume writing entries to this blog so my half-dozen readers can again rely on me as an enabler of procrastination.

Technologically challenged

Someone at my local video store is a bit confused. . . .

Identification photos

Click here to see my driver's license collection.

The Balls

My friend Shawn (a.k.a Sizzle Sauce) was just crowned a World Bocce Champion! After winning 9-1 in the day-long tourney, he went on to win 11-9 in the finals. It seems like only yesterday that I was schooling him on the beach in SD. . . . Way to go Shawn!

Street Fighter II' Turbo: Hyper Fighting

Today Nintendo made Street Fighter II' Turbo available for download on the Wii! I sold my Super Nintendo 10 years ago and I have missed this game ever since.

I was pleased to discover that after approximately 3,650 days of not playing, I still kick ass.

Sizzle Burgers!

Step 1: Roll up ground beef into large balls.
Step 2: Place beef balls on a sizzlin' hot grill.
Step 3: Smash balls with a spatula until they seep through the grill.
Step 4: Serve (burgers should be simultaneously burnt & raw).

I love Riverside!

The Sanjaya conspiracy

I'M DOING MY PART. . . .

Survival guide

The African safari video game I bought came with a free subscription to Field and Stream magazine! This mag is nuts. It has tons of info on how to survive in the wilderness, shoot guns, etc. Here are some of the actual topics covered in this month's issue:

How to camouflage yourself with a wine cork

How to crap like a cat

Kill small animals with a "backcountry deathstar"

Make a fire with soda and a candy bar

Would you rather . . .

Debbie got me a fantastic book the other day. It has 404 life choices that inspire intellectual conversation. Here is an example:

"Would you rather . . . as a man, have your testicles eaten off by a squirrel or you eyeballs pecked out by a bird?"

Discuss.

Top 5 premium cigars (+ worst ever)

1. Cohiba (Cuban Robusto)
2. Diamond Crown (Natural Robusto)
3. Ashton (Classic Magnum)
4. La Unica (Natural Robusto)
5. Partagas (Cuban Robusto)

Worst: Punch (Honduran Double Maduro)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

The best thing about Disneyland

If you have not had one of these corn dogs you have not lived.

The worst thing about Disneyland

Memory loss

The memory card for my PlayStation 2 got corrupted. I spent hours recovering game data. Then I hit the memory card with a hammer.

The face of a savage

So this hunting game I got for the PS2 is pretty cool but it does have some minor bugs. Sometimes the hunter's face gets all whacked out.

Crazy hobo ransacks museum

Man in WWII uniform attacks 2 at museum
Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 21, 2007

A man dressed in a World War II military uniform attacked two employees at the Evergreen Aviation Museum this week, police said. McMinnville Police Capt. Dennis Marks said Gerald Lahey, a transient, broke into the rear of the building and smashed the glass panel of a display case. He then removed the coat, hat and pants from a World War II uniform and put them on.

Lahey was inside when operations director Phillip Jeager, 33, of McMinnville and cafe manager Cheryl McKay, 62, of Sheridan arrived for work Monday morning. Marks said Lahey punched Jeager several times and bit McKay.

Neither employee required hospitalization.

Museum spokeswoman Nicole Wahlberg said Lahey got into one of the museum's airplanes. He is also accused of pulling a fire alarm and knocking a television set to the floor. Four windows were boarded up after the incident.

Lahey was booked into the Yamhill County Jail on charges of assault, criminal mischief, burglary, robbery and resisting arrest, Marks said. He was lodged in the jail infirmary due to mental health concerns, and was arraigned Tuesday.

Blackjack strategery

Freaky Friday

A video of a crazy dancing skeleton that I shot a long time ago.