Looks like fun!

Artist Leandro Erlich just created an interactive art installation called "Dalston House" in London. Looks like a lot of fun!

A public service announcement

Attention drivers:

You must choose to adorn your car with either a giant eagle license plate frame, or a customized plate expressing your love of hunting animals in their natural habitat. Otherwise everyone's just going to think that you "love tos fart."

Cake catastrophe

I know this has been making the rounds on Facebook, but I had to archive it here. A lady bought a graduation cake for her daughter and asked that the baker put a little "cap" on her daughter's photo. Here's what she got.

BADASS!

Mom fights off carjacker with kids in backseat
United Press International (article excerpt) - June 17, 2013

Dorothy Baker-Flugence returned to her minivan with her two young children after shopping in Baytown, Texas, when Ismael Martinez, armed with a knife, popped up from the back seat.

Police say a two-year-old boy and his five-year-old sibling were inside the minivan. "The guy pulled a knife on her," said Charles Flugence, the victim's husband. "He had a knife on my son."

Flugence says his wife told him she struggled with Martinez, honked the horn and somehow called 911 while prying the knife away from the assailant.

"She got the knife," Flugence said. "She got a cut that goes across her chest. She grabbed the knife and he bit her hand."

Police say Baker-Flugence ran her van intentionally off the road trying to disorient Martinez.

When the van stopped, Baker-Flugence punched the man in the face, and he jumped out of the vehicle. That's when she reportedly ran over him.

Street smarts rant

There are few things more obnoxious than a person insisting that although they don't have a formal education, they make up for it with their "street smarts." Each person has the right to live their life however they want and I don't think that anyone is better than anyone else based on the extent of their education. My problem is with people that go around insisting that college is "stupid" and that everything they need to know, they learned from "the streets."

What exactly do these "street smarts" consist of? Not walking around late at night in the ghetto holding a big wad of cash? Knowing who to page in order to buy the best crack rocks? Honestly, I would like to see a syllabus.

I'm pretty sure that all you need to know in the way of "street smarts" is don't hang out in shitty parts of town and don't mess with guys with face tattoos. Class dismissed.

As fresh as a bar bathroom floor!

Fructis needs to shell out a little more money on the ink they use to label their shampoo. "Puke clean" doesn't sound very hygienic.

The worst of the worst

It's been a while since I've watched ANTM and I almost forgot how much I hate Tyra Banks. On the episode I just watched, Tyra literally prohibited this girl from showering, made her lay facedown on a filthy floor, and lick warm soda off of the tile. There was a cockroach crawling next to her head. I am not kidding. Tyra kicked her off the show right after the shoot was completed.

And don't even get me started on "Bryanboy." Just typing his "name" makes me throw up in my mouth a little. There are a lot of snarky little shits on reality TV, but he is the WORST of the worst. His contribution to the episode I discussed above was to throw trash at a model's feet and say, "that's what I think of your face." He also told her that she, "didn't look trashy enough" during her photo shoot. Did I mention she was photographed in a f*cking dumpster?

Psalm 137 ain't just a Sublime song, yo*

*Or a Melodians song, reggae snob.

I just finished reading The Bible cover to cover. I didn't skip over the boring parts. I read every single word (including the freaking endnotes). It took me about six months and I have to say that it was an interesting experience.



I have a long and complicated history with religion and do not consider myself to be a particularly religious person. That being said, The Bible is arguably the most important book of all time due to its impact on world history and culture, and the fact that it has literally billions of people following its instruction.

I am not going to go on about my thoughts here in this blog because I have a kind of unofficial policy of not discussing politics or religion on More Rants than Raves. If you'd like to know what I really think, buy me a beer sometime and I'll drop some mad philosophy.

So that's what that is!

Here are some things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How far is a "klick?"

2. According to proper etiquette, where do you put your napkin when you leave the table mid-meal?

3. What side of a boat is referred to as "starboard" and what side is "port?"

4. How much is a gold bar worth?


ANSWERS
1. In military terms, a "klick" is a distance of one kilometer (or .62 miles).
2. On your chair (NOT on the table).
3. Starboard is right, port is left.
4. The standard gold bar held and traded internationally by central banks and bullion dealers is the Good Delivery bar with a 400 oz. (25 lbs.) nominal weight. As of today's date, one of these bars would be worth $550,700.

Questionable counsel

Here are some things my parents told me when I was a kid that I believed for way too long.

1. If you swallow bubble gum, it will NEVER leave your stomach.

2. Using a Ouija board is basically direct-dialing the Devil (hey, at least it's toll free).

3. Mountain Dew soda is made with a special secret ingredient: bear pee.

4. When someone gets a lobotomy, the doctor opens their head, scrambles up their brain, and then replaces their brain with a banana.

Sexy to all genders

Recently I took the "Bem Sex-Role Inventory," a psychological survey meant to indicate how masculine or feminine a person is. The results range from "Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate" to "Burt Reynolds lying on a bearskin rug." Okay I made up the category titles, but you get the idea.

I was surprised to discover that out of the 121 possible results on the spectrum, I rate EXACTLY in the middle (androgynous). Click here to take the test for yourself and see if you are as perfectly gender neutral as I am (don't get your hopes up).

Skittles rant

Today I did something I thought I would never do. Today I threw away some Skittles. In the trash. I'm not talking about the stale, have-been-sitting-on-the-liquor-store-shelf-for-ten-years-and-are-hard-as-a-rock variety. These bad-boys were fresh. What would make me do such a thing? Two words: green apple. Also, four more words: taste like chewy garbage.

What the effyouseekay Skittles?! You can mess with the format all you want with all those other flavor bags you put out (sour, tropical, soap detergent, etcetera), but don't mess with the original flavors that put you on the map! Those green apple buggers are junkin' up the mix.

Supermomma!

Yesterday I was reading a comic and my son pointed to the character "Captain Marvel" (a bad-ass female superhero), smiled, and said Momma!



It was cute, except for the fact that he has already identified me as a squishy looking bunny man.  So I guess this what he sees when my wife and I are standing next to each other.



Don't we make an amazing couple?

Erasehairs!

When I was young, my grandpa (who was awesome) would take me to Toys "R" Us for school supplies (I told you he was awesome) and I would pick out a bunch of cool action figure erasers and scented markers. So when I saw these erasers by designer Chen Lu Wei, I naturally got excited. Every time you use them you change the character's haircut!

Gender Through Comic Books

I am currently taking part in a massive online class entitled Gender Through Comic Books. I am really enjoying the homework (i.e. reading comics), and it is fascinating to see diverse representations of gender in comic books over time. Here's a treat from 1960.


Used without permission from anyone. Deal with it.

Justice has been served

You know how every landlord that you have ever had has been a total dick? Well my friends, today justice has been served (at least for me).

Our last landlord was a bully who took our security deposit for damages that he knew already existed when we moved in. Well, we dragged that dirtbag to court and the judge put him in his place. Our former landlord was ordered to give us our deposit back plus damages. Take that "The Man!"

Get your head in the game

Whatever you do, DO NOT do the following:

On a Mac, press the "command" key and the "A" key at the same time.
On a PC, press the "control" key and the "A" key at the same time.

Oh my goodness gracious, you did it. Did you even stop for a second to consider the consequences of your actions? What if you had broken the Internet?! What if pushing that button combination would have launched a missile and destroyed the moon?!

Fortunately your rebellious button pushing was not for nothing. I knew that you wouldn't be able to resist, and I thought playing this harmless prank would be a good warm up for whatever tomfoolery your friends and family might have in store for you. Good luck out there today, people!

Current comics

I am still reading digital comics like a madman. Here are the three series that I am currently enjoying. I never thought I would like these particular titles, but I am surprised how good the story lines are.

Check this sucker out!

Scientists recently caught a giant squid on film for the first time!



New evidence suggests that, rather than having many species of giant squid spread throughout the world, we have one global population - a family of giant squid dwelling in different oceans. Creepy!

Walmart has the freshest venison

Man allegedly shot buck at Walmart
United Press International (article excerpt) - March 27, 2013

Authorities in Pennsylvania said a man faces charges including reckless endangerment for allegedly shooting a white-tailed deer in a Walmart parking lot.

The Pennsylvania Game Commission said Arcangelo Bianco Jr., 40, used a handgun to shoot the deer in the parking lot of the Resort Plaza Walmart in Blairsville in November and bagged the buck on the other side of the road.

In addition to misdemeanor reckless endangerment, Bianco faces five hunting-related summary charges, including hunting without a license, shooting on or across highways and unlawful killing or taking of big game.

"Obviously, we can't have someone running through a Walmart parking lot shooting at a deer," wildlife conservation officer Jack Lucas said.

An uncanny resemblance

Okay one last post about my son. If I don't regulate myself this blog could easily become all about how awesome he is. (And he is AWESOME, by the way.)

My son loves books. When he's not busy trying to eat them (see my last post), he likes to point out photos of objects and say their names aloud. He is very smart and gets all of them right . . . except one. Every time we read the book "Pat the Zoo," he points to the dumpy-looking anthropomorphic bunny on the cover and says "Dada!"

A quote for my baby boy

"Some books are to be tasted, others swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested." - Sir Francis Bacon

Umbrella rant

It's raining here and I'm reminded why I hate umbrellas.

I understand that if you're going to be outside during a monsoon, an umbrella could be handy.  My problem is that in today's modern age, I am never far from a place of shelter.  In the amount of time it takes to open my umbrella, transfer my stuff to my other hand, and awkwardly open my car door while trying not to drop my keys in a puddle, I could have walked back and forth to my car a thousand times (or at least twice).

When I use an umbrella, it seems that all I'm doing is using the top of it to catch water and transfer it into my car or house. Once I get inside, I'm stuck with a wet-ass umbrella.  What do I do with a wet umbrella? I can't put it outside, because it's raining. I can't collapse it and put it away, because it'll mildew. I can't leave it sitting open in my living room because that's just dumb.  Just thinking about it is exhausting.

I wish I was making this up

If you know me, you know that I am somewhat of a jokester. If you know me well, you know that I am in fact joking when I refer to myself as a "jokester," because I absolutely hate the term. See how much I love to joke?!

A couple of months ago I was walking through the perfume section of a department store while carrying my infant son. As a joke, I stopped and asked a sales lady if they carried perfume for babies. My request was met with the appropriate response of shock/dismay, followed by a laugh once I explained that I was joking. (Note to any wannabe jokesters out there, if you have to explain your joke then you know it was a success.)

A couple of days ago, I saw this:

Dolce & Gabbana launch perfume for babies
New York Daily News (article excerpt) - January 26, 2013

Dolce & Gabbana wants to redefine that fresh-smelling baby scent.

“How can babies smell even sweeter than they already do?” brand impresario Stefano Gabbana asked on Instagram.

The answer: a new fragrance, with notes of citrus, honey, and melon, which the luxury fashion firm designed especially for the stroller set.

“The softness of baby skin, the freshness of baby breath, a mother’s sweet hug, [and] the first smile” were inspirations for the scent, meant to enhance the tot’s natural smell, Gabbana said.

Each 50-ml bottle of perfume is “designed to cuddle and pamper every little boy and girl.”

A bottle of the fragrance will set mothers back about $45.

I can only hope that this is some type of sting operation, attracting horrible people to the sales counter so that they can be given a stern reprimand and a quick "wake up call" slap to the face.

Comics crazy

Lately I have been really into collecting digital comics on my Kindle Fire. I am reading a huge variety of comics and I thought I would share a few of my current favorites. (Each series or collection is represented by one issue cover.)

Some series that I'm currently following:


Collected works and story arcs that I liked:


New stuff I'm trying out:

Cool label, crap beer (#3)

It's 2013!

I came across this ribbon (which was awarded to me in Kindergarten), while going through a box of stuff in my Grandma's garage.



I was about to make a resolution for this year, but how can I possibly top placing "participant" in a cake decorating challenge?

Happy New Year!

A nice story for the holidays

Cop gives $100 to needy motorist

United Press International - December 12, 2012

A Plano, Texas, police officer wrapped a traffic ticket for an expired registration in a $100 bill after pulling over a man who was down on his luck.

Hayden Carlo said he was driving when an officer pulled him over for an expired registration. The father of two young children told the officer he had no excuse, except to admit he simply didn't have the money.

"You get paid, pay your bills, and there's your money. It's gone," Carlo told KTVT-TV, Dallas/Fort Worth. "I said 'there's no explanation for why I haven't done it, except I don't have the money.' I said 'it was either feed my kids or get my registration done.' "

The officer, who has asked to remain anonymous, handed Carlo a traffic ticket envelope. Inside was a $100 bill.

Carlo said he's been able to update both his and his wife's registration with the money and is driving back and forth to a new job legally.

"He helped me out when I needed it and I appreciate that. I'll never forget that man," Carlo says. "It definitely restored my faith in God."

Just a friendly reminder

Dear Mike Birbiglia

Dear Mike Birbiglia,

I just finished reading your book Sleepwalk With Me, and I wanted to tell you that I thought it was great! In your book you write that you obsessively check Google Alerts for articles that mention your name, so I thought this would be a good way to get in touch with you. If you are reading this it would be really cool if you would write a comment on this post!

In order to make sure that it is the real Mike Birbiglia (and not some Mike Birbiglia poseur), I was thinking that we should have a password. Please use the word "zebra" in your comment - that way I'll know it's really you.

Thanks,

Ryan Danger Sims

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

So I just opened a new checking account and sweet-talked the banker lady into giving me custom checks for free. Feast your eyes on my selection.



That's right, every check I write from here on out will say "DREAMS DO COME TRUE!" in big bold font, set against a striking leopard print background. You're welcome, America.

The Secret

As many of you know, my life has been crazy lately (hence the lack of blog postings). I was about to give up hope, when I saw a package of WD-40 which put everything in perspective.

Cool label, good beer (#4)

One more (I couldn't resist)

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

Animal jokes

I love the jokes in Reader's Digest. Most of them are not funny, but I am fascinated with the idea that somebody thought they were hilarious enough to publish them. Every once in a while I come across a joke that, as the editors of the magazine would say, "tickles my funny bone." Here are a few.

A man and his dog go to a movie. During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there's a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.

After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, "That was truly amazing!"

"It sure was," the dog owner replies. "He hated the book."

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, Pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name.

"Buddy's blind," said the farmer. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street–with the sheep.

"I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

Cool can cozy collection

It's just a start, but I think this is the beginning of a beautiful collection.

My new toy

My wife got me a Ken doll for my birthday! It's jet black and about seven inches tall. I spent all day yesterday picking out accessories for it (my Ken doll looks fantastic in leather, by the way). I catch people staring at me when I play with it in public, but I just smile because I know they're jealous.

*Update: I've just been told that the name of my new toy is pronounced Kindle, not "Ken doll." Thanks for nothing, Blogger spell check.

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to

(You would blog too if it happened to you)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am really really excited and I got a few cards in the mail and I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to open them but I couldn't wait so I opened them and then I saw that I got some money and just had to spend a little so I went to the local beer shop and picked out a couple of twenty-twos to drink on my birthday and I came home and put them in the fridge but I was too excited to wait until tomorrow so I am trying one right now!!!

Did I mention that I'm excited about my birthday?

The beer that I am enjoying right now is called "Pliny the Elder." While buying it I was told that there was a limit of one per customer. Apparently the beer is so sought after that if they don't limit their sales, it would all be bought up immediately. So you can see why I would want to try it as soon as I got home. I'm happy to report that it is good. Hoppy with a crisp, citrusy finish. Did I mention that it's 8% ABV? Go out and track one down!

P.S. I'm feeling a little guilty about drinking so early in the day. I mean, it's four o'clock somewhere. . . .

Innovative philanthropy

Man donates Kmart inventory to charity

United Press International (article excerpt) - May 18, 2012

A Kentucky businessman who purchased a closing Kmart store's entire inventory and donated it to charity said he hopes the deed inspires others to do good.

Rankin Paynter, the owner of a Winchester firm that buys up surplus goods, said he decided to purchase the closing store's entire inventory -- valued at about $200,000 -- upon learning the store would allow it on the last day of business and he soon decided to donate all of the merchandise to Clark County Community Services, a charity serving low and middle income families in the area, ABC News reported Friday.

"It makes me feel good [to give to charity]," Paynter said. "I come from real poor background. I'm talking really poor."

Paynter said he hopes the attention his donation is receiving will inspire others to give to charity.

A (super) Sonic rant

The Sonic fast food chain markets itself as "America's Drive-In." I thought that going there would be a fun old fashioned drive-in experience à la American Graffiti. Instead, it turned out to be more like a scene from one of the Saw movies. (I haven't seen them, but I hear they're about people who go to restaurants and get bad service, right?) Anyway, here's what happened.

When I pulled up to the place I was excited - it definitely looked the part. There was a line of parking spots, each space outfitted with its own back-lit menu and shiny speaker-box. I pulled up and ordered a burger combo.

A few minutes later, a shifty looking slacker shuffled out to my car, carrying my food. I couldn't help but notice that he had a pair of roller skates slung over his shoulder. Now, I'm not an expert on old school drive-ins but I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be wearing the roller skates. Anyway, I digress. I eagerly grasped for the tray and asked how to secure it to my car door. He looked genuinely confused and stated that they were not allowed to let customers handle the trays. I asked if they had any type of place-mat or box that I could eat on, and he said "no." He handed me my food in a bag and walked off, leaving me to consider just what exactly was the difference between this "drive-in" and any other "drive through."

After pondering this existential dilemma I decided to go eat at a table in front of the building. I walked over, spread out my food, and realized that I had no ketchup. I got up and tried to go inside the restaurant to get some, but the door was locked. I could see employees inside, but nobody came to the door (I found out later that customers are not allowed inside). So, I had no choice but to trek back across the parking lot. I stood next to my car and awkwardly bent over the speaker-box to ask for some ketchup. The employee agreed to meet me back at my table and I set off to walk back across the lot. (I should mention that later in the meal I ran out of napkins, but I just used the paper bag. I didn't want to spend another five minutes walking back and forth through the parking lot.)

So it turned out to be a pretty far cry from my dream of an American Graffiti experience, unless you count the actual graffiti in the area of the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't expecting Harrison Ford to drive up wearing a cowboy hat (although that would have been awesome). I just thought that it would be at least as convenient as a freakin' drive through.

Gnarley post, brah!

Reuters News recently reported that Garrett McNamara just won the world record for surfing the largest wave ever ridden (a 78 footer)!

That's all fine and well, except that everyone knows that the late, great Bodhisattva rode the most humongous wave ever (in the middle of a 50 year storm, no less). So much for journalistic integrity, Reuters.

In related news, a real-life Johnny Utah is attempting to win a different (but equally bodacious) world record.

Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight

Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - May 13, 2012

A 34-year-old unemployed man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight.

James Peterson began the attempt on Friday morning, according to the Akron Beacon Journal, and was scheduled to end at 3 a.m. local time Saturday. Peterson, a self-described fist-pumping "veteran," was accompanied by a pair of videographers on his quest for the record--which included stops at bars in and around the University of Akron.

"I did this on St. Patrick's Day, but it was not documented," Peterson said, telling the paper that he super-glued his right fist closed "to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation."

Vaya con Dios, Peterson.

Spaghetti and skin horses

Earlier this week I took my wife out to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. As anyone who has visited one of these restaurants knows, they have some crazy decor. When we arrived we were seated in a booth with a particularly weird painting. The portrait depicted a pale man-child casually leaning against a (stuffed?) pony, tiny whip in hand.

After ordering our appetizers a woman approached us and said that she "needed to take a picture of the painting." She then proceeded to take multiple snapshots of the thing, awkwardly leaning over our table in the process.

Once she left, we had a laugh and went on with our dinner. By this time, our drinks had arrived and I raised my glass to thank my wife for doing our taxes. I recited my toast (which I nailed by the way), and was just about to take a sip of my beer when the crazy lady appeared again. She interrupted us and frantically stated that she needed to take another photo. She explained that she had a "skin horse" at home, and would love to hang a photo of the painting above it. She took a few more shots while muttering to herself and then scurried back to wherever she came from.

And I thought the photo was disturbing. What the hell is a "skin horse," and what is this woman doing constructing some sort of shrine around one?!

I snapped a photo of the painting myself, so that my loyal blog fans could gaze upon it in all of its glory. Feel free to print a copy and hang it above your favorite taxidermied hobbyhorse!

AdvertiZING

The ad department at Dave & Buster's has done it again. Check out their new enticing offer.

In addition to two $10 gameplay vouchers you get not one, not two, but FOUR boring dinners! It's a wonder this place is still in business.

Top 5 unhealthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips (w/Onion Dip)
2. Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich
3. Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese (w/Ritz Crackers)
4. Mother's Circus Animal Cookies
5. Hostess Orange CupCakes

Worst: Peeps

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Top 5 healthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Jack Link's Original Beef Jerkey
2. CowPals Light String Cheese
3. Triscuit Reduced Fat Crackers
4. Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Cereal (w/skim milk)
5. Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffins (w/Just Fruit jam)

Worst: Banana Power Bar

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Mini-rants

1. It sucks when your laptop dies because you forgot to plug in both sides of the cord (it's plugged into the laptop or the wall, not both).

2. They should change the name of the "world famous" radio station KROQ to GDFF, because all they play is Green Day and Foo Fighters.

3. I hate it when people won't accept payment for an item when you're a penny short. Like when you try to buy something that costs $5.01 with a five dollar bill, and the checker won't budge until you pull out another dollar. I'm like, "get real, dude."

4. What's the deal with all the jerks walking around in the world? I mean, why do they have so be such jerks?!

Five o'clock rant

I have a real problem with the phrase, "it's five o'clock somewhere." Allow me to explain.

First of all, in order for the statement to be accurate, it can only be made on the hour.  The logic of this seems lost on most people.  Consider the popular country song "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," by Alan Jackson. The chorus goes, "It's only half-past twelve but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere." Sorry A-Jax (nickname patent pending), it's actually five thirty somewhere.  And also, you're an idiot.

Secondly, if you want to have a drink before five, just do it and shut yer yap. I guarantee that anyone who'll judge you for getting sloshed during the day won't be swayed by your proclamation that that it's drinkin' time in Guam.

The jig is up

According to a recent Marest Poll, the most popular location for U.S. adults to hide money is in their freezer.

Out of the 1,080 people surveyed, 27% said they hide their money in their freezer, 19% said they stash it inside a sock, 11% said they have money in their mattress, and 10% said they keep cash in their cookie jar (which sounds extremely unsanitary).

Where do you stash your cash?  Leave an (anonymous) comment!

I was duped

Happy Friday the 13th!

(Remember to avoid people with hockey masks and knives today.)

It's kind of crazy that we have two fake holidays this month.  I should take this time to say that I'm sorry about my April Fools' Day prank. I know some of you went out and spent your life savings because of it.

It may make you feel better to know that I was tricked as well. While looking for blog-worthy material on the Internet I came across a concept car being debuted at the New York Auto Show.  MINI Cooper introduced their "Yachtsman" amphibious vehicle, and I was just about to write a post about it (and how much I wanted one).  After doing a little more research I discovered that it was an April Fools' hoax.  Apparently the MINI Cooper company went so far as to issue a false press release, construct a fake version of the vehicle, and showcase it in the auto show.  Awesome!

Top 5 fast-casual restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. Chipotle Mexican Grill
2. Daphne's Greek Cafe
3. Miguel's Jr.
4. Panda Express
5. Wahoo's Fish Taco

Worst: Quiznos

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Performance art

N.D. family loses a friend they never met

United Press International - April 8, 2012

A years-long mystery ended for a North Dakota family when they learned "Jim," who sent them post cards as if they were close friends, had picked them at random.

For the Olson family of Turtle Lake, the sad part was finding out that "Jim" was Jim Moore of Mankato, Minn., a complete stranger who started sending them post cards seven years ago, had died, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Sunday.

Fed up with only receiving bills and coupons in the mail, Moore had come to realize he missed receiving real, handwritten letters. So he got on the Internet and picked a random Midwestern town, and a random last name: Olson. So began his one-sided correspondence with Stan and Sheila Olson.

The Olsons would receive a postcard about three times a year, which was vague enough to make them think Jim was someone they had met before. The messages were brief, such as:

"Was in Paris and saw Francois and Emilie. They send their regards."

Sheila, 52, kept all of Jim's postcards in a box and soon friends and relatives were asking after Jim.

"Our kids have really grown up with this," she told the Star Tribune. "He wrote like he knew us. That was what was so funny."

In January, Moore, 38, passed away from complications of bile duct cancer. Moore's friend, Andrew Reeves, wrote to the Olsons to explain the postcards.

"Sadly, the art exhibition has closed," Reeves' note concluded. "No more postcards from Jim will randomly appear in the mail."

Sheila wrote back to give Reeves her condolences, and explain to him how Jim's postcards gave her family something to smile about.

"My dad had a quirky sense of humor, too," she said. "If he were alive, he would have tried this himself."

Happy spring!

Artist Steve Wheen turns ugly potholes into beautiful miniature gardens. Here are some of my favorite photos from his "guerrilla gardening" blog The Pothole Gardener.

Eww de Toilette

While going through airport security a few days ago, the guy in front of me was told that he couldn't bring his cologne on the plane. Then things got weird.

In a desperate attempt to "fight the power," the man proceeded to douse himself with the remainder of his bottle. I am not exaggerating when I say that he sprayed himself at least 80 times. Cologne was running down his face, neck, and chest as he struggled to eek out every last drop of fluid. Everyone in line tried to avoid eye contact with him, but it was clear that he saw himself as some kind of working man's hero. I honestly think he was expecting to be hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow travelers, smiling victoriously as people cheered him on for sticking it to The Man.

Here's a clandestine photo I snapped of the perfumed perpetrator with his stench spray. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to him on his flight!

Congratulations!

You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).

*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping

United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

Party like a patron saint

Check out the email ad I got from Dave and Buster's, encouraging me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at one of their fine establishments.

Dude, St. Patrick was the bomb! No one partied harder than him. Sure, those rave kids at the bottom of the ad look pretty cool, but they gots nothin' on jolly old Saint Pat. He was a slave for six years and then went on to become an ordained bishop. How could anyone have more fun than that?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

"One in a million" rant

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock, at the time of this writing there are approximately 7,000,086,975 people on planet Earth. This means that when someone tells you that you're "one in a million," what they're actually saying is that there are 6,999 other people in the world who are exactly like you in every way.

I propose that from now on everyone should say, "you're one in seven billion eighty-six thousand nine hundred seventy-five." I admit it isn't as catchy, but at least it's a compliment.

Ultimate collector's items

Type: Comic Book

Title: Action Comics No. 1

Value: $2.16 million

This comic features the first appearance of Superman. The near-pristine copy pictured below was stolen from actor Nicolas Cage in 2000. It was recovered in 2011 by a man who had bought the contents of an abandoned storage locker in San Fernando Valley.

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Item: Baseball Card

Title: Honus Wagner T206

Value: $2.80 million

Production of the card was stopped quickly and only a few made it into circulation. Wagner refused to allow production of his baseball card because he didn't want children to buy cigarette packs in order to get it. The card is referred to as the "Gretzky Honus Wagner" because it was once owned by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.

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Item: Coin

Title: 1933 Gold Double Eagle

Value: $7.59 million

All of these coins were supposed to be destroyed when Roosevelt took America off the gold standard. A Mint cashier secretly switched a handful of them with earlier dated Double Eagles before they were melted down.

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Item: Postage Stamp

Title: Treskilling Yellow

Value: $7.87 million

Printed in Sweden in 1855, this stamp is the only one of its kind. It is said to have been found by a Swedish schoolboy in 1885 among a pile of letters left by his grandparents. The stamp was supposed to be green, but was printed yellow by mistake. The tiny stamp (weighing just 0.03 grams) is thought to be the most valuable thing in existence by weight and volume.

Fashion rant

Last week while watching the Oscars I saw actress Missi Pyle talking about her "eco-friendly" dress. At first I thought her outfit looked pretty good considering it was probably made from old soup cans, kitchen sponges, and dirty diapers. Then she revealed that what made her gown so "earth friendly" is that is was made with "cruelty-free silkworms." I shit you not. She assured viewers that no silkworms were harmed in the making of her dress.

When I heard this, my face made the exact same expression as the woman on the left of this photo. I'm just glad that the silkworms finally reached a collective bargaining agreement and can get back to work. I heard it got so bad that they couldn't even afford to buy the silk sheets they work so hard to produce.

You can't make this stuff up

Man shot twice as he tries to shoot caged raccoon

Associated Press - February 27, 2012

A rural Redfield man is being treated for two gunshot wounds after an attempt to shoot a raccoon caught in a live trap backfired.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources says 68-year-old Larry Godwin was using a 22-caliber handgun to shoot the caged raccoon at around 11 a.m. Saturday when the bullet ricocheted off the cage and struck him in the lower abdomen on the right side. He dropped the gun and it fired again, shooting him again in about the same spot.

He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Des Moines by private vehicle.

The DNR says the injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

World's tiniest dude

A 72 year old guy from Katmandu is hoping to claim the Guinness record for being the world's shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi is 22 inches tall (about the height of an infant)! Until recently he had never left his village and did not know that he was the smallest man on earth.

Foodie rant

It drives me crazy when people refer to themselves as "foodies." I get it, you really like food. Do you know who else likes food? Everyone on the freaking planet (with the exception of the idiot that I posted about yesterday). Again people, and I really can't stress this enough, you need food to live!

What an idiot

Check out this bumper sticker I saw yesterday.



What an idiot, right? I mean, last time I checked, if we don't have food then we all die. That's basic science, dude. Also, what the hell do you got against farms?! I mean, I'm no hippie, but I'm pretty sure we need farms to grow food. The same food which we need in order to live. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.

Gmail/Apple rant

Gmail is constantly "updating" their interface and it's driving me crazy. When I signed up for the service I was excited about the simple, clean look and functionality. Since then Gmail has changed its format about a billion times. It seems like every time I log in the buttons are in a different place, and a bunch of new superfluous features have been added.

In my opinion, Gmail is suffering from the same problem that Apple has been experiencing over the last decade. Originally Apple created basic software like iMovie, which made movie editing much easier for the average computer user. Since then they have been gradually complicating the program by adding advanced features. While there is still a vast difference between iMovie and professional video editing programs like Final Cut Pro, Apple is moving away from what made it successful in the first place.

Apple and Gmail, stop while you still can! Keep your software user friendly and clutter free!

iMovie 1

iMovie 11

Itsy bitsy Uniform Resource Locator

I just found a cool web service called Tiny URL. It shortens long website addresses, making them easier to read and send via email. The service is free and the links are permanent. Here's an example.

Let's say you want to recommend a book to a friend. You could cut and paste the web page address into your email like this:

http://www.amazon.com/Boosting-Self-Esteem-Dummies-Rhena-Branch/dp/0470741937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328398655&sr=8-1

But then you run the risk of the link breaking due to formatting problems (and, let's face it, the link looks like crap). If you go to Tiny URL and enter the address, it will convert it to a nice small link like this:

http://tinyurl.com/7mdlbdl

You can even customize the address like this:

http://tinyurl.com/confidentdummy

Mad props, yo!

Super Bowl XLVI is rapidly approaching and even if you don't like football, there's plenty to be excited about. In addition to the big game, I'm looking forward to the million-dollar commercials, ice-cold beer, 7-layer dip, and Puppy Bowl VIII (check it out on Animal Planet - it's freaking adorable).

In addition to these exciting distractions, I like to follow the game's "prop bets" to see how they play out. I've listed my 10 favorites below. These are actual bets currently being offered by the Las Vegas sportsbook, Bovada.

I've color coded the bets for those of you who aren't familiar with gambling odds. Green bets are expected to win and red bets are not (although if you bet on them and won, you'd get lots of money).  Orange bets are 50/50.

How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem?

Over 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Under 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?

No

Yes (+300)

Will Kelly Clarkson forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem?

No

Yes (+250)

How many times will Peyton Manning (brother of Giant's quarterback Eli Manning) be shown on TV during the game?

4 or more times (-130)

0 to 3 times (-110)

How many times will Giselle Bundchen (wife of Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady) be shown on TV during the game?

1 or more times (-150)

0 times (-110)

If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game will he be wearing a Tom Brady jersey?

Yes (-200)

No (+150)

What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl halftime show?

Blonde (-400)

Any other color (+250)

Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?

Yes (-120)

No (-120)

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the game thank first?

Teammates (8/5)

Does not thank anyone (11/4)

God (4/1)

Owner (9/2)

Family (7/1)

Coach (12/1)

What color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning Super Bowl team?

Clear/water (2/1)

Yellow (2/1)

Orange (9/4)

Red (11/2)

Green (6/1)

Blue (10/1)