Guns for Gaga

I have an extremely high tolerance for crappy pop music. That being said, there is a new song on the radio that is so vile, so gut-wrenchingly stupid, that I feel I must write to warn everyone about it. The musical abomination I am speaking of is “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.

I am not going to provide a link to this song because I do not want to promote it further than I already am. I know that this may seem ridiculous because by writing about the song I have no doubt piqued your interest. In fact, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the next thing you do on the intraweb will be to search for this horrible song. You inquisitive bastards!

My favorite line in this craptacular masterpiece is not “I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning” as some of you may have guessed. No, the line I am speaking of is “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.”

Okay, so I never played Russian Roulette but I am pretty sure you need a firearm. This is kind of like saying “Monopoly is not the same without a game board.” I am left to imagine Gaga and her friends sitting around, tossing bullets at their heads in frustration.

The whole thing has inspired me to start a fundraiser with the goal of buying Lady Gaga and her friends a revolver. I’m calling it “Guns for Gaga” and I am sure that it will make the world a better place for all.



Please send money soon! I fear that Gaga may resort to playing Russian Roulette with her “love-glue-gun” and who knows what kind of chaos would result from that.

Australians are badass

Kangaroo intruder terrorizes Aussie sleeping family
Reuters (article excerpt) - March 9, 2009

An Australian couple thought they were being attacked by an intruder when a kangaroo crashed through their bedroom window and started jumping on them.

"My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window. It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in," Beat Ettlin told local media on Monday.

The three metre (9 feet) kangaroo smashed through the window in Ettlin's Canberra home on Sunday night.

While Ettlin and his wife and young daughter took refuge under the blankets, the injured kangaroo jumped on top of them, gouging holes in the furniture.

The next thing Ettlin heard was his 10-year-old son Leighton screaming from his bed: "There's a 'roo in my room!'"

Ettlin, a 42-year-old chef, wrestled the bleeding kangaroo, got it into a headlock and dragged it out the front door. The kangaroo disappeared into bushes.

Top 5 most annoying celebrities

1. Paris Hilton (a predictable choice, but still true)
2. Dr. Phil
3. Adrian Brody
4. Bono
5. Whoopi Goldberg

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Caption contest #2

I got this photo out of People en Español (my new favorite magazine):



Since the original caption is in Spanish I converted it to English by running the text through the online language translator Babel Fish. I converted it from Spanish to English, and then double-checked it by converting the English to Japanese, and then translated it back into English. Apparently the caption reads:

"New urine a little just? A.B. As for QUINTANILLA in young promise in estrellato lassoing, him him the future of many NO for the singer of this sort which is given and that fianc2ee Elizabeth of Miami and amicable it is us to thing something which is not in [serenade]."

Now that that's cleared up, it's time for you to write your own. Go ahead and submit your caption for the photo now by clicking on the "comments" link below!

Super cool!

Last week my wife and I went to a improv comedy show in LA. The act featured a few big names including Michael McDonald from Madtv and Saturday Night Live's newest cast member Michaela Watkins. We got to meet Michaela and she was really nice!

Top 5 cocktails (+ worst ever)

1. Chi-Chi
2. Old Fashioned
3. Dry Martini
4. Straight Tequila
5. Salty Dog

Worst: Buffalo Sweat (shooter)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Pay it backward

Today I helped a woman who was stranded in the middle of a highway off-ramp. I pushed her car up a huge hill and almost passed out from the strain. When I finished, she stopped her car and didn't even look up to thank me. This may sound incredible to you but it didn't surprise me at all. Believe it or not, this is the third stranger's car I have pushed in the last six months. Each time I pushed the car while the person sat in the driver's seat. Each time the person did not thank me. What kind of crazy sense of entitlement does someone have to have to let a complete stranger push their car and not even have the decency to say “thank you”?! This got me thinking about "paying it backwards."

Remember that corny-ass movie with Haley Joel Osment called Pay It Forward? For those that haven't seen it, the main character (Osment) comes up with a plan to "pay it forward" by doing a good deed for three people who must in turn each do good deeds for three other people, and on and on until the end of eternity. SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the movie Osment gets shanked in the stomach and dies a painful death. I guess that's what you get for being a good person.

So if I responded to that thankless beyotch by doing a bad deed (like pushing her car into a ditch) would that mean I am "paying it backwards" or would that mean I am "paying forward" a bad deed? I guess "paying it backwards" would involve responding to a good deed by performing a bad one, or responding to a bad deed by performing a good one, so technically I would be "paying it forward" in a bad way. Wait. What?

I think I need more sleep. . . .

¡Fantástico!

While browsing through a recent issue of People en Español, I stumbled upon a preview of their upcoming "50 Most-o Beautiful-ee-see-mo People-o" (that's "50 Most Beautiful People" to all you non-Spanish speakers). The magazine had a spread showing some nominees, including the handsome devil on the bottom right of this photo:

I'm casting my vote for this guy:

He's so manly that my sissy-ass scanner actually broke while digitizing this image (I'm not joking). I found his photo on a different page of the magazine and I'm not even sure he's nominated, but I think he should win based on the mustache alone.

Pretend poop balls

Last month the kindergarten class I'm observing had a special guest speaker. The visitor was from the local utility company and was there to teach the children about water and storm drains. She brought along an assortment of props, including "pretend poop balls" (her words, not mine). A few minutes into her presentation it became apparent that she was a little crazy.

After sharing a story of a woman that caught her hair on fire on America's Funniest Home Videos, she suggested that it is okay for the children to eat dirt. My favorite part of the discussion was when the speaker gave convoluted instructions which suggested that the kids go home and fill their parent's measuring cups with fertilizer. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Top 5 sports to watch (+ worst ever)

1. Football
2. Baseball (live, not on TV)
3. World's Strongest Man competition
4. Curling
5. Tennis

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Top 5 sports to play (+ worst ever)

1. Snowboarding
2. Bodyboarding
3. Volleyball
4. Skateboarding
5. Bocce

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

My video game collection (updated)

I posted a photo of my game collection a couple of years ago and thought I should
update it. Click the image to get a closer look.

I also have the following games downloaded onto my Wii and Xbox 360: Contra III:
The Alien Wars, Dr. Mario Online Rx, Frogger, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of
Time, Mario Kart 64, Pac-Man, Portal: Still Alive, SimCity, Street Fighter II Turbo,
Street Fighter II: The World Warrior, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, Super
Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix, and Vegas Stakes.

Laundry room rants

1. Can anyone tell me just what exactly I'm supposed to do when I drop a sock on the laundry room floor while transferring it from the washing machine to the dryer? I can't put it in the dryer because its been on the dirty floor, I can't put it back in my laundry basket because its still wet (and probably covered with some stranger's stray hair), and I can't wash it because I refuse to pay another $1.50 to launder one damn sock. I know that some of you sickos are going to say that I should just throw it in the dryer. Well, I have OCD (and I am not a filthy animal) so for me that isn't an option.

2. There's nothing worse than arriving in the laundry room to find some freak rifling through your delicates. I have had confrontations with at least three individuals in my apartment complex because I found them piling my clothes onto the laundry room table. I set an alarm to make sure I move my stuff on time but if I'm not there within a minute of the washer or dryer being done there is sure to be some a-hole waiting in the wings to get their grubby hands on my unmentionables.

3. Who are these cavemen who can't/won't empty the dryer's lint trap when they're finished using it? We are trying to live in a society here people!

On a serious note, I found a troublesome flier on my laundry room wall. I hope the poor pirate finds his pooch. . . .

A wonderful poem

"Perfection Wasted"

And another regrettable thing about death
is the ceasing of your own brand of magic,
which took a whole life to develop and market --
the quips, the witticisms, the slant
adjusted to a few, those loved ones nearest
the lip of the stage, their soft faces blanched
in the footlight glow, their laughter close to tears,
their tears confused with their diamond earrings,
their warm pooled breath in and out with your heartbeat,
their response and your performance twinned.
The jokes over the phone. The memories
packed in the rapid-access file. The whole act.
Who will do it again? That's it: no one;
imitators and descendants aren't the same.

-- John Updike

I'm moving to Peru

Peru's top court says drunk workers can't be fired
Reuters (article excerpt) - January 15, 2009

Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.

Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government.

Top 5 types of doughnuts (+ worst ever)

1. Strawberry Frosted
2. Glazed Old Fashioned
3. Glazed Jelly Filled
4. Glazed Twist Bar
5. Chocolate Frosted Bar

Worst: Anything with coconut shavings on top

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Free rice

Check this out! A (performance adaptive) vocabulary quiz that donates rice to the UN World Food Program every time you get a correct answer.

My “master teacher” is a fascist

As a part of my teaching credential program I am assigned to a “master teacher” who is supposed coach me in the art of teaching. I attend this person’s elementary school class every day for 10 weeks to observe and eventually teach. Unfortunately, I have been charged to study under a horrible devil-woman that runs her kindergarten class like a concentration camp.

The children in the classroom are forced to spend the majority of their day sitting on the floor inside of taped off 18” x 18” squares. They are told to face forward with their legs crossed, hands in their laps. They are not supposed to talk or giggle and under no circumstances are they ever to make any type of physical contact with the students sitting in adjacent squares.

Unfortunately since the squares are barely large enough to contain their bodies, boundaries are often crossed. When this happens the teacher scolds the children by saying, “Oh my guh-nessss” (with a hissing sound at the end, like an evil snake-beast). She then takes away their recess.

It’s no wonder she hides the scissors – the suicide rate in her class would be off the charts.

The "Cruzin Cooler"

Check this out. For $399 you can get a cooler/electric scooter hybrid that goes up to 13 miles per hour. The best part is the "drink lid access" which allows you to reach in and grab a beer while driving the scooter. Brilliant! I know that I would look like a complete idiot riding on the thing, but I still want one.

Scottish joke

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep. . . ."