My toddler has super powers

A random joke

A crying woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and says, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says, "Not again. . . ."

Tips for having a garage sale

We're taking part in a friend's garage sale this weekend. I consider myself something of a garage sale expert (I've been involved in at least 20) and thought I would share my sage wisdom on how to conduct a proper sale.

• When you go out to put up signs, bring a marker so you can draw arrows pointing toward your house. Don’t write the arrows beforehand or you’ll have less flexibility about where you can post the signs.

• Don’t forget to advertise on Craigslist. The site isn’t as popular as it once was but a lot of people still use it to find garage sales.

• Make sure you get lots of small bills and coins from the bank so you can give change. Also have some type of money belt or box to keep the cash in so it will be safe and confined to one area.

• Get a bunch of stickers that are different colors and assign a price to each sticker (red = $0.50, yellow = $1.00, etcetera). You don’t have to write the price on each sticker, just know how much money each color represents. Stick these on as many items as you can before the event. This saves a lot of time and stress during the garage sale because you won’t have to answer as many pricing questions about small items (giving you time to negotiate with people on the large sale items).

• Set up as many tables as you can. Your stuff will look a lot better displayed on a table than it will spread out on a lawn or a curb.

• Have as much set up in advance as you can. The most serious garage sale customers come very early and will be loitering around. You want to be able to interact with them and not ignore them while frantically setting out your stuff.

One final note. If you aren't sure whether or not you want to sell something do not put it out on the lawn. You may get caught up in the moment and sell the item only to regret it later. If you decide at a later date that you really don't want the item, don't worry. You can always have another garage sale!

Third time's a charm

Click the image below to listen to the program I was on. You can hear the whole broadcast by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of the NPR page.

I come on the air at the 7:10 mark.

Terrible but so damn funny!

I'm number one!

I am officially on top of an online leaderboard! Okay so there are only four people ranked so far but I have never been higher than like a billion on one of these things so it's a big deal. The game is called Beyond Gravity and it is a legit title (from the makers of Bike Baron on iOS). I know my reign at the top will be short, but I'm enjoying every second.

Stacks on stacks of apps on apps

I had a lot of problems with my Kindle Fire HDX (long story). I ended up returning my Kindle and getting a Nexus 7 tablet. I am SO HAPPY with my Nexus and love that I now have access to the Google Play Store! Here are my favorite apps so far. I listed the names on the bottom in case you want to go get them.



Frozen Free Fall, Solitaire Double-Deck HD, Beyond Gravity, Puzzle Craft, 99 Bricks Wizard Academy, Monopoly, Star Wars Pinball 3, Star Wars: Assault Team, CSR Racing, Can Knockdown 3, Video Poker - Jacks or Better, Video Poker - Deuces Wild, Dragon Quest VIII, Spider Solitaire+, Fruit Ninja: Puss in Boots, and Flappy Wings.

Happy 4th of July!

Hey I’m the Fourth of July, the most American holiday there is. I hope you’re ready to party because I’ve got fireworks, BBQ food, beer, beautiful weather, lawn games . . . did I mention fireworks? I don't want to say that I'm the best holiday ever, but I definitely am.

Happy 3rd of July!

A message from the Third of July:

Let me guess, you’re confused. Why would anyone celebrate the third of July? Well just because I’m a day earlier than my “friend” the Fourth of July doesn’t mean I’m any less significant. Lots of stuff happened on my day too. For example, on July 3rd of the year 324 Constantine I defeated Licinius in the Battle of Adrianople. So there’s that.


Constantine

I know that you’re going to say that "without the Fourth of July, there wouldn’t be a United States." Well, guess what? On July 3rd, 1890 Idaho was admitted as the 43rd of these United States. That’s right, if it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be an Idaho. Then where would we get all our potatoes from? Those damn Irish?

Okay that sounded racist. I want to go on record saying that the Third of July is not racist. It’s just that the Seventeenth of March is always bragging about how awesome he is and I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m also afraid that if he hears that I hate the Irish he’ll bare-knuckle box me to the ground.

I can't go to VEGAS because I have a BABY!

It's been a long time since I've been to Vegas, but I'm trying to stay sharp so I'll be ready when I return. Mental Floss just published a list of gambling tips from casino expert Bill Zender. I narrowed down the list and posted my favorites below.




IDENTIFY THE CLUMSIEST DEALERS
Zender estimates there are fewer than 100 professional blackjack card counters in the world. If you happen to be one of them, you might nab a 1.5 percent advantage. So save your energy, Zender advises; instead keep an eye out for the sloppy blackjack dealer who will accidentally flash the face-down card. Zender once made a living exploiting this, keeping a notebook of 35 weak dealers from 16 different casinos. The strategy is called "card holing," and it can give you a 6 to 9 percent edge over the house.

LOOK FOR WONKY ROULETTE WHEELS
The roulette wheel is a mechanical instrument. Over time, the wheel may become unbalanced or the frets separating the numbers may suffer wear and tear. The more a wheel is used, the more worn down it gets--and the more it may privilege certain numbers.

DON'T PLAY SLOTS
The average slot machine is probably two, three times more costly to players than the table games. If you insist on cranking a handle, focus on slots that cost $5 or more and play the max bet. On penny slots, the odds are jacked up in the house's favor by 15 to 20 percent.

DON'T PLAY KENO
Your chances are terrible. At some casinos, the house has a 35 percent edge. No gambler has ever matched all 20 numbers on a 20-spot ticket. The odds of it ever happening are 1 in 3,535,316,142,212,174,336. (That's 3.5 quintillion!)

PLAY VIDEO POKER
If there's an exception to the adage that the house always wins, it's in video poker. Typically, the house has only a 0.46 percent advantage (while some versions lean in the gambler's favor). The pay table is posted right on the machine, and the payoff is high. The catch? To cash out, you need to play at an expert level. Casinos make profits on video poker because most players simply aren't skilled enough. So study up.

*BONUS TIP*
The worse your odds, the better your chances for a free drink. So hang out at a game with terrible odds, grab a free beer, and then head over to whatever game you actually plan on playing.

Warning

This wind-up caterpillar toy is NOT for children.

Soul patrol

An evangelist came to my door and handed me a brochure. I didn't think much of it until he left and I had a chance to leaf through the pamphlet. Here are the first three pages.







Um, is this guy going to come back and murder me?

What the what?!

While searching my name on Google I came across a Ryan Danger imposter! This dude is using my first name as his first name and my middle name as his last name! Although I was initially upset that someone was trying to steal my identity again (see the Hobo McGee incident of '07), I have to admit that his impression of me is pretty spot-on. His sexy smirk and irresistible chick magnetism really remind me of me.



I'm not sure what this dude actually does except pose for photographs in a jumpsuit. Check out ryan-danger.com to see if you can figure it out.

Strike two

A few months ago I posted a note to realtors based on a sign I saw in my neighborhood. Yesterday I noticed that the signs have been updated. The good news is that they no longer look like missing person ads. The bad news is that the signs now feature a ghost lady that may or may not haunt your new home.

Another awesome video

As I mentioned previously, my social life these days consists mainly of hanging out with my (amazing) kids. We don't watch a lot of TV, but every once in a while I come across a video that I just gotsta share. Check out Feist performing this sendup of her song "1234."

True dat

Check out this license plate frame!

Hoowwllllllll!

It's Friday the 13th and there is a full moon. If you ever wanted to hunt werewolves, tonight is the night!

Ridin' dirty

This video was sent to me by my friend Jim. He described it by saying, "It's stupid, but it makes me grin like an idiot." I couldn't agree more.

NOTICE:

Due to the general incompetence of the company that hosts my websites, none of the images on this blog are currently available. It's actually a pretty big company so the fact that their servers are down may indicate a "Terminator Rise of the Machines" type scenario in which computers have finally become self-aware. If that is the case then stop reading this post immediately and hit your computer with a hammer.

I'll update this post when the images are back online (assuming we are all still alive).

UPDATE: The photos are back (obviously). 6/11/14 @12:26PM

I'm famous!

A couple of days ago I called in to NPR to weigh in on a discussion of whether or not Tom Cruise is crazy. I was patched immediately through! Today I called in again to offer my wonderful insight, and again I was put straight on the air. I practically have my own show at this point. I am currently inquiring about how much money I should expect to earn on residuals when people listen to the archived broadcast.

Click the images below to listen to the programs I guest starred on. You can hear the whole broadcast(s) by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of each page.

I come on the air at the 13:25 mark.


I come on the air at the 6:37 mark.