Everything must go!

It's the end of 2008 and it's time to clear out all of my old blog ideas. I keep a running list of potential posts and in order to prepare for the new year I have decided to compile them all together and post them here for your entertainment pleasure.

Lemming suicide is fiction
Contrary to popular belief, lemmings don't commit suicide by running off of cliffs. The myth was created by a Disney filmmaker that herded them off of a cliff for a nature "documentary."

Kid Rock is a joke
Watch as one man systematically destroys Kid Rock's latest music video.

GOOG-411
Free 411 from any phone. This service will also send you a text message with the number and address of any business.

The new thing
The Whitest Kids You Know have started a trend. I am definitely trying this out the next time I hang out with a group of friends.

Yet another joke

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the driver, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here."

The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick.

"Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

"What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy.

"Two miles down the road, you were going to say, "I wish that cop would have tried that shit with me!"

Sticky?

I am smack in the middle of finals so I hope you will excuse the lack of posts as of late. Please do enjoy this classic clip from "The Soup." I have watched it at least a dozen times and I swear it never gets old.

More riddles

1. Two fathers and two sons go fishing. Each of them catches one fish but they bring home only three fish. Why?

2. Everyone removes their hat for me. Who am I?

3. I am black when bought, red when used and gray when discarded. What am I?

4. I belong to you, but most often I am used by others. What am I?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Life immitates art

Okay people, we have a problem. Exactly one day after I posted the joke about the alligator in the bar, the following article came out in the news:

Man arrives at bar with pet alligator; Cops called
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 13, 2008

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. – Heard the one about the guy who walked into a bar with an alligator? At Johnny's Saloon in Orange County, it was more than a joke early Saturday when a man arrived with his 3-foot pet gator on a leash.

By the time police and animal control officers arrived at Johnny's, the gator was in the man's vehicle in the parking lot. Officers followed him home, where another alligator was found, animal control spokesman Ryan Drabek said.

Both alligators were impounded and were being held Wednesday pending an investigation by the Department of Fish and Game, Drabek said.

I don't know which of my readers was in Huntington Beach yesterday but I feel that I must express my concern. Please do not attempt to imitate anything posted on this blog. I do not want to be responsible for anyone's junk being bitten off by an alligator, or a squirrel for that matter (see post Would you rather . . .). I am starting to see a pretty disturbing theme developing within my blog.

Bar joke

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and put my balls inside, leave 'em there for five minutes, then remove 'em unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and puts his balls into the alligator's mouth. The gator then closes his mouth as the crowd gasps.

After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of his head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a guy in the bar speaks up. "I'll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

My gift to you

Looking for a gift that will knock the socks off of your loved ones this holiday season? I present to you the perfect present: a poster of everyone’s favorite cheeseburger-inhaling alcoholic, David Hasselhoff. He is selling posters of himself on his website and as you can see from this example, they are pretty dang sweet.



Click here to check out the whole assortment.

A great moment in history

November 4th, 2008 will undoubtedly go down in history as a day on which people put aside their petty differences and came together to focus on what is really important. It is a day that people will look back on with feelings of honor and pride. I am speaking of course about the fact that on November 4th, 2008 - I got to meet Joel McHale.





My wife Debbie and I went to see him perform his stand-up routine and it was fantastic. He talked for an hour and a half and I laughed so hard I cried a little.

After the show we got to meet him and I am happy to report that he is a really nice guy. We talked for a while and before we left he recorded the outgoing message on my cell phone's voice mail. Sweet!

A true Lego maniac

Check out this photo from Jean-Charles de Castelbajac's latest "high fashion" clothing line. His Lego themed garments were shown at this year's Fashion Week in Paris.



Jean-Charles' line inspired me to create a high fashion concept of my own. I now present to you "He-Man couture."

Halloween costumes

Every year the National Retail Federation publishes a list of the most popular Halloween costumes in the US. Here are this year's results.

Top Children's Costumes 2008

1. Princess (generic)
2. Witch
3. Hannah Montana
4. Spider-Man
5. Pirate
6. "Star Wars" character
7. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
8. Batman
9. Princess (Disney)
10. Tie between Ghost & Athlete/Sports Figure

Top Adult's Costumes 2008

1. Witch
2. Pirate
3. Vampire
4. Cat
5. Tie between Fairy & Nurse
6. Tie between Batman & Political Figure (McCain, Obama, Palin)
7. Ghost
8. Angel
9. Tie between Clown & Wench/Tart/Vixen
10. Tie between Sports Figure, French Maid & Queen

Top Pet's Costumes 2008

1. Pumpkin/Jack o' Lantern
2. Devil
3. Witch
4. Princess
5. Tie between Hot Dog & Superman
6. Bee
7. Bow Tie/Fancy collar
8. Ghost
9. Black Cat
10. Tie between Angel & Reindeer/Deer

Schwarzenegger + Japanese TV = awesome!

Optical illusions

Is this an old woman or a young lady? Look closely.

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If you stare at the "+" sign the pink dot will turn green.

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The two objects below are exactly the same size.

Bar-tailed godwhat?

This is amazing. Scientists just discovered that a bird known as the "bar-tailed godwit" can fly up to eight days straight without stopping. The bird they were tracking flew from Alaska to New Zealand (7,270 miles) day and night without stopping to sleep or eat!

Random Rants

Random things that piss me off:

1. When I hold the door open for someone while entering a restaurant or fast food place and they walk right through and get in line in front of me.

2. Healthy people that are judgmental. I see the disgusted look you are giving me while I sip my 44 ounce mega-soda. Back off - I need it to live.

3. Competitive license plate frames/bumper stickers. "My dog is smarter than your honor student" comes to mind. I saw a license plate frame the other day that said "World's Best Grandma". Oh really? Well step off fool because my grandma's a saint. How do you even go about quantifying a statement like that? What are we basing the title on? Baking skills? Hugging stamina? Overall strength? Physical attractiveness?

That settles it. I'm going out tomorrow and buying a "Best Grandma in the Known Universe" bumper sticker.

Best headline ever

Mom brings rabid bat to school, lets kids touch it
Associated Press - October 7, 2008

About 90 elementary school students in Montana have started a series of rabies shots after a parent let them touch a dead bat that was later confirmed to be diseased.

The mother of two students gave presentations in five classrooms and allowed the kids to touch the dead bat last week. She offered each student who touched the bat a sanitary wipe.

The exposed students will receive six shots of anti-rabies vaccine.

Stevensville Elementary School officials say they will use liability insurance to pay up to $70,000 for the exposed children to be vaccinated. The overall cost could surpass $150,000.

The school has since set a policy requiring that anyone visiting the school obtain a visitor pass.

Top 5 ethnic groups (+ worst ever)

Woah. I cannot believe that you are reading this post. I wrote this as a joke but obviously the title caught your eye and you were curious to see what my views are. You were probably thinking to yourself "does he hate the same races as me?". The answer to that is a resounding "no" (unless you don't hate any races at all and then my answer would be "yes, I don't hate any races too - except for marathons, those things seem like way too much work").

Anyway, I pride myself as being color blind. Not really color blind, I mean I'm not a freak (sorry to my brother Aaron, my grandpa, and my friends Pete and Jim - I love you all despite your embarrassing handicap). What I mean to say is that I don't see the color of people's skin. You could line up a group of people from all over the world and ask me to identify their color and I would literally answer something like ". . . blue?".

This all reminds me of a joke:

Q: What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you freaking racist.

Looks like somebody needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

Chuck Norris facts

Okay so I know these have been around forever but I still think they are worth posting. I scoured the intraweb for the best ones so I hope you enjoy.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table - he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

Happy day

I want to go back to Belize!

Riddles

1. The first person made me but did not use me. The second person bought me and sold me. The third person used me but never saw me. What am I?

2. The faster you run, the harder I am to catch. What am I?

3. A mouth and sometimes a fork, sometimes I am fed but I never eat. What am I?

4. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it?

The answers are posted as a comment.

Hey Crackhead

A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)

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Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick f*cker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f*cked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f*cking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***