World's most industrious hobo

I usually don't post two news articles in a row but I had to make an exception for this.

Homeless man breaks into abandoned bar, begins selling alcohol

CNN (article excerpt) - July 23, 2010

A homeless man allegedly broke into a California bar and served drinks to unsuspecting patrons all weekend -- before police came calling.

The bar, called the Valencia Club, had gone out of business for some time and its liquor license had expired, police said this week.

But the suspect, Travis Lloyd Kevie, 29, somehow got into the California establishment in the Penryn area of Sacramento Valley last week. He reopened the bar using beer he bought from a nearby store.

Kevie allegedly started with a six-pack of beer and used money he received to buy more alcohol.

He kept the bar open for a weekend serving about 30 customers a day, authorities said.

He was so successful that a local newspaper did a story about the bar reopening.

"When Detective Hudson arrived at the Valencia Club it was open for business with customers bellied up to the bar. Upon questioning Kevie Detective Hudson determined that he had no connection to the property and he did not have a liquor license," the department said.

The newspaper, the Auburn Journal, that ran the story about the new "bar owner", reported that Kevie was arraigned on a single misdemeanor charge Thursday and ordered released from jail.

I can't get enough of these Australians

What do you do when you get kicked out of a pub for being too drunk? Why, break into the zoo and ride a crocodile, of course!

Australian bitten while trying to sit on crocodile

Associated Press - July 13, 2010

A man ejected from a pub in Australia broke into a zoo and climbed onto the back of a crocodile named Fatso, which bit him on the leg but then let him go. Police said they're surprised the croc didn't inflict worse damage. The 36-year-old man, who police said had just been thrown out of a pub for being drunk, told officials he scaled the barbed wire fence surrounding the Broome Crocodile Park in remote northwest Australia on Monday night because he wanted to give the 16-foot Fatso a pat.

"He has attempted to sit on its back and the croc has taken offense to that and has spun around and bit him on the right leg," Broome Police Sgt. Roger Haynes said.

The saltwater crocodile then inexplicably let the man go, and he climbed back over the fence to safety, police said.

The man, who was a tourist from eastern Australia and whose name was not released, suffered some "very nasty lacerations" and was taken to a hospital, Haynes said.

"Saltwater crocodiles ... once they get hold of you, are not renowned for letting you go," Haynes said. "He's lucky to have escaped with his life."

Saltwater crocodiles are the world's largest reptile and can grow up to 23 feet (7 meters). They have become increasingly common in Australia's tropical north since hunting that almost extinguished the species was banned in 1971.

Ambigrams

The titles of the book, CD, and movie seen below all read exactly the same when flipped upside down.







Inconceivable!

Top 5 retail fireworks (+ worst ever)

1. M-80s
2. Roman Candles
3. Smoke Bombs
4. Firecrackers
5. Snakes (black pellets)

Worst: Party Poppers

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

More like Crazytown

I'm currently playing a game called Mysteryville on my Nintendo DSi. It has the craziest story line I have ever seen in a video game (and that's saying a lot). Check out these screenshots.

Unnecessary quotation marks

Click the image below to visit The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.

Joke Q&A

Q: What's a specimen?

A: An Italian astronaut.

Q: What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?

A: Go ask your mother.

Q: What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

A: "It may take me a while to get hard — I just got laid last night.”

Q: What is the hardest thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you’re gay.

Awesome 365

Artist Stefan Le Du took a photograph of his Stormtrooper toys every day for one year and posted them all on Flickr. When asked why he was doing the project he replied, "Because Star Wars is awesome, Stormtroopers are awesome, toys are awesome, and Flickr is awesome."

I posted some of my favorites images below. To check out the entire collection visit Stormtroopers 365.

Update: Australians are still badass

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Australians are badass!

Aussie man punches shark, surfs to safety

AFP - June 7, 2010

An Australian surfer fought off a large shark and then rode a wave to safety, reports said on Monday.

Michael Bedford was knocked off his board by the shark, believed to be a great white of "Jaws" fame, which then came back for a second charge, witnesses were quoted as saying.

But he punched the animal and then caught a passing wave to the shore, where friends used the board's rope as a tourniquet for bite wounds on his leg.

"He gave it a good whack he reckons, a good punch and that doesn't surprise me knowing Mick," said witness Lee Cummuskey, according to public broadcaster ABC.

"It is your worst nightmare and Mick's been through it and survived so he's just really lucky."

Bedford had surgery after Sunday's attack near Albany, south of Perth, and his condition was described as stable. Australia suffers several shark attacks each year, with 194 people killed over the past two centuries, records show.

Top 5 current TV sitcoms (+ worst ever)

1. Modern Family
2. Community
3. How I Met Your Mother
4. 30 Rock
5. Seinfeld (reruns)

Worst: Two and a Half Men

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Jelly bean roulette

My birthday was last week and one of the presents my mom sent me was a box of "BeanBoozled" jelly beans. For those of you fortunate enough not to have been tricked by this candy, I will explain. The box contains 20 different flavors of beans (10 tasty and 10 disgusting). The problem is that there is no way to tell the difference between the good ones and the ones that taste like barf (really, there's an actual "barf" flavor).

I've been having fun playing jelly bean roulette this morning but I must admit that I'm feeling a little ill. Check out the assortment:

Shameless self-promotion

I have created another website. I know what you're thinking, "but Ryan, you just created an awesome comedy website!" Well you're right (about the website and the fact that it's awesome). I don't know what to say, I guess I'm just a busy bee.

My new site is called Our Valuables and is located at ourvaluables.blogspot.com. Please visit it and submit a photo. Your photograph will be posted on the site and you will become an international web superstar overnight. (Okay I may have exaggerated the last part - but it could happen!)

Unnecessary Censorship: Lost Edition

Edited for television

I was watching Die Hard: With a Vengeance the other day on TV and it came to the part where the protagonist John McClane (played by Bruce Willis) is forced to stand on a Harlem street corner with a sign that reads, “I hate the pluralized form of the n-word.” Okay, the sign doesn’t actually say that. It actually reads, “I hate all human beings with skin colors that range from light caramel to dark chocolate.” Actually, that’s not right either. What it literally says is, “I hate . . .” oh, I give up. I’m not going to write what it actually says because it’s offensive and I don’t want my blog coming up in Google when people search for that phrase.

Okay now for the confusing part. The sign on the TV version of the movie actually says something completely different than the one in the theatrical release. The sign he's holding on TV says, “I hate everybody.” This change was presumably made so as to be less offensive to the wider television audience. The problem is that I actually think it makes the scene more offensive.

Let me explain. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, the scene I’m talking about starts out with McClane on the corner wearing the sign. Soon afterward he is noticed by a group of African-American men who threaten him and ultimately assault him by breaking a bottle over his head. When watching the theatrical release it makes sense that this group of people would attack him. In the TV version, however, the group of guys comes off looking like a bunch of crazy assholes. What exactly prompts their aggressive treatment of McClane in this scenario? I can only imagine what's going on in their heads: “Look at this misanthropin’ mothereffer! He has a sign that says he hates everybody! You guys hear that? He hates everybody. That includes you, me, my dry cleaner, EVERYBODY! Let’s kill him.”



Interesting side note: According to The Internet Movie Database, the actual sign that Bruce Willis wore while filming in Harlem said "I hate everybody." The sign was changed with CGI in post-production for the theatrical release.

Slightly offensive jokes

A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology that explains the phenomenon of "mixed emotions."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She says, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other old man says, “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d try petting him first.”

Tasteful art (get it?)

Artist Kevin Van Aelst uses various food items to create recognizable patterns. Here are my favorites.


"Chromosomes" (made with gummy worms)


"Common Clouds"


"Apple Globe"


"Hawaii" (made with Hawaiian Punch)


"Right Middle Finger"

Cheeky buggers

Please note: for the purposes of this post I will be translating "English" (as used in England) into correct American English. Translated terms will be shown in parenthesis.

Apparently the jolly ol' chaps (good old boys) in England (America's rough draft) like to bash each other over the noggin (head) with their pints (glasses) of ale (beer). They like it so much that pubs (bars) are stocking new "safer" pint glasses so as to minimize the facial disfigurement that comes from engaging in such activity. The new glasses are duel-layered like a motor car's (car's) windscreen (windshield). Here's a shot of the new glass, presumably after being smashed over someone's face:

Hope you enjoyed the post.  Cheerio (not cereal)!

I've fallen off the wagon

I'm off the Gaga. After hearing Lady Gaga's latest audio-trash entitled "Telephone" on the radio I've changed my mind about her yet again. Although I am the first to admit that her song "Paparazzi" is awesome, "Telephone" makes me want to puke my guts out.  That's right, I said puke my guts out.

On a different note, I found the origin of the phrase "on the wagon/falling off the wagon" at phrases.org.uk:

"During the late 19th century, water carts drawn by horses wet down dusty roads in the summer. At the height of the Prohibition crusade in the 1890s men who vowed to stop drinking would say that they were thirsty indeed but would rather climb aboard the water cart to get a drink than break their pledges. The more alliterative 'wagon' soon replaced cart in the expression and it was eventually shortened to 'on the wagon.'"

Top 5 comedy websites

1. Bits of Comedy
2. Bits of Comedy
3. Bits of Comedy
4. Bits of Comedy
5. Bits of Comedy

Did I mention that I have a new website? It's called Bits of Comedy and you can check it out via my main website ryandangersims.com. I will be updating it periodically with new thoughts and observations so be sure to check back every once in a while. Thanks for your support!

A racist cookbook

Pasta book pulped over misprint

BBC News - April 17, 2010

An Australian publisher has had to pulp and reprint a cookbook after one recipe listed "salt and freshly ground black people" instead of black pepper.

Penguin Group Australia had to reprint 7,000 copies of Pasta Bible last week, the Sydney Morning Herald has reported.

The reprint cost $18,000, but stock in bookshops will not be recalled as it is "extremely hard" to do so, Penguin said.

The recipe was for tagliatelle with sardines and prosciutto.

"We're mortified that this has become an issue of any kind, and why anyone would be offended, we don't know," head of publishing Bob Sessions is quoted as saying by the Sydney newspaper.

Penguin said almost every one of the more than 150 recipes in the book listed salt and freshly ground black pepper, but a misprint occurred on just one page.

"When it comes to the proof-reader, of course they should have picked it up, but proof-reading a cookbook is an extremely difficult task. I find that quite forgivable," Mr Sessions said.

If anyone complains about the "silly mistake", they will be given the new version, Penguin said.

This article is incredible, not only for the crazy story but also because of this Bob Sessions guy. On the one hand, I want to get a job working for Bob Sessions. He seems to back his employees up no matter what. Oh, what's that? You didn't do your job and it cost us thousands of dollars and public humiliation? No problem, your job is tough! On the other hand, I would be extremely nervous working for Bob Sessions, as he seems to be completely baffled as to why anyone would be offended by a recipe calling for "freshly ground black people."