I knew it all along

eBay seller: Nicolas Cage is a vampire

United Press International - September 19, 2011

A Seattle-based eBay seller is asking $1 million for a Civil War-era photo he claims is evidence actor Nicolas Cage is a "vampire."

The seller, who goes by the name Jack Mord, said the photo depicts a man nearly identical to the Oscar-winning actor, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

"Personally, I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so," the online seller wrote on the eBay posting. "150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.

"My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die' ... but in reality, the undead vampire 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over."

Mord said he will allow potential buyers to verify the authenticity of the photo, which was taken by Civil War-era photographer Professor G.B. Smith.

"Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands," he wrote.

Too good to pass up

I know I said I was taking a break, but this is just too good to pass up.

5 Year Blogiversary!

Today marks five years to the day since the start of More Rants than Raves. Since starting this blog I have posted a grand total of 378 (truly delightful) entries; an average of 1 post every 4.83 days.

Thank you to all of my readers for your comments and positive feedback. I have had lots of fun sharing my rants and raves with you all. I plan to keep this blog going in the future but for now I am taking a bit of a break. I have a lot of other wonderful things going on in my life at the current moment and my energy and creativity is needed elsewhere. Peace out for now.

Discombobulated

The comics in the newspaper frustrate me. Every time I look at them I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine cannot figure out why a certain comic is supposed to be funny. That show really hit the nail on the head. Check out this little gem from today's paper. Can anyone tell me how this is supposed to be funny?

Square watermelons

Over the 4th of July weekend I won a prize in a watermelon seed spitting contest. This got me thinking about an article I read a few years back that said a dude in Japan figured out a way to produce square watermelons. The idea is that they are easier to carry, ship, and store in the fridge. I don't know why but I am really fascinated by this idea and have always wanted to get one of the watermelons.

I did some research and discovered that the melons have recently been introduced to the United States market. I was excited until I learned how much they are being sold for. A cool $75 a piece.

It's not a weasel!

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

Associated Press - June 8, 2011

Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend's apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO radio reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the suspect arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested the 33-year-old Hoquiam man after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don't know why he carried it with him.

Martens are members of the weasel family.

More debunking

More fascinating facts from Armchair Reader: The Book of Myths and Misconceptions.

* Caffeine does not stunt your growth. Early studies suggested that drinking lots of caffeinated beverages contributed to reduced bone mass. More recent studies have debunked that idea.

* Not a single pirate treasure map has ever been found. Scholars doubt that pirates buried that much treasure in the first place. The idea that pirates drew maps to locate their buried treasure came from the novel Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.

* Dog's mouths are not cleaner than human's. Canine mouths are rife with bacteria and their saliva does not have any amazing antibacterial properties. Dog's cuts heal faster because their tongues help get rid of dead tissue and stimulate circulation which in turn facilitates the healing process.

* Walt Disney was not cryonically frozen. Disney hated funerals and didn't want one so when he died his family honored his wish with a quick, private burial. Months later, when a man in California underwent the first cryonic preservation, rumors began to swirl that Disney himself had been frozen. The rumors were completely false. Disney's cremated remains reside at a memorial park in Glendale, California.

Real names of celebrities #2

Bono - Paul Hewson
Cary Grant - Archibald Leach
Charlton Heston - John Charles Carter
Demi Moore - Demetria Gene Guynes
Elle Macpherson - Eleanor Gow
Elton John - Reginald Kenneth Dwight
John Wayne - Marion Morrison
Judy Garland - Frances Gumm
Natalie Portman - Natalie Hershlag
Vin Diesel - Mark Vincent

Looking for posts in all the wrong places

Many people don't realize that the search bar at the top left of this blog is specifically dedicated to More Rants than Raves. It's a great way to track down your favorite posts from the past without having to slog through the archives. All you have to do is type in a keyword or phrase and click the little magnifying glass icon.

Go ahead and give it a try!



Actually, don't. After I made this post I searched for a bunch of stuff in my blog and only about half of it showed up. I did some research (get it, re-search?) and found out that the Blogger search bar has been "broken" for the last few years. Apparently Google can't figure out how to fix their search engine. How's that for irony?

Even though the search bar doesn't work very well, I decided to keep this post. I spent a lot of time on it and I don't want it to go to waste. I mean, look at the fancy graphic. And the title? Classic.

I am a little disappointed that my original plan isn't going to work, however. You see, I hid a post entitled "rat turds" in the archives of this blog in hopes that people would type the phrase into the search bar (after seeing my example above). If the Blogger search bar actually worked, they would have been redirected here.

Cheap laughs #2

Check out these t-shirt designs from snorgtees.com. I'm not getting paid to endorse the company, I just think the shirts are funny.

Simsplea the best

Last month I ran across a couple of interesting news articles. I didn’t post them at the time because I didn’t want to interrupt my "best toys from childhood" series. Now that March has come to a close, I thought I'd share these little gems.

Man fires gun to protest slow service

United Press International (article excerpt) - March 12, 2011

A man decided to let employees at a Denny's restaurant in Florida know he was unhappy about delayed service by firing three shots outside the door, police say.

Frederick Louis Sims, 31, of Orlando was arrested near the restaurant Tuesday afternoon, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Police officers said they found a small quantity of marijuana and a .22-caliber Ruger pistol in Sims's Cadillac Escalade.

I'm interested in this article because this Fred Sims character is undoubtedly a long-lost relative of mine. My family has a distinguished history of getting extremely agitated over lengthy restaurant wait times. Also, I couldn't resist a news article that mentions a police search of “Sims’s Cadillac Escalade.”

A few days after the Denny’s incident, another guy got busted for shooting a gun in a different restaurant.

Cops: Angry Taco Bell customer fires at officers

Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 21, 2011

Police say a San Antonio Taco Bell customer enraged that the seven burritos he ordered had gone up in price fired an air gun at an employee and later fired an assault rifle at officers before barricading himself into a hotel room.

San Antonio police Sgt. Chris Benavides says officers used tear gas Sunday night to force the man from the hotel room after a three-hour standoff. The man is charged with three counts of attempted capital murder.

Brian Tillerson, a manager at the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant, told the San Antonio Express-News that the man was angry the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone from 99 cents to $1.49 each.

The article above doesn’t mention the perp’s name but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was also a Sims. Consider the facts of the case:

1. The guy was at a Taco Bell (everybody knows I love Taco Bell).

2. He was angered by gratuitous price gouging ($1.49 for a beefy crunch?!).

3. He was packing an airsoft gun (I have one and I'm not afraid to use it).

**I should mention here that I draw the line at assault rifles and police standoffs.**

In all seriousness though, what is wrong with these two guys?! Their parents must have let them play with cap guns when they were kids. . . .

Best toys from my childhood #1

Cap guns

The cap gun wins for the best toy of my childhood. I spent much of my youth running around on imaginary adventures with one of these on my hip. The best type of cap gun was the revolver that took plastic ring caps. I also had guns that took roll caps but they took forever to load, and those frustrating paper caps didn't go off half the time. Whether I was a scurvy pirate, Indiana Jones, or just a cowboy shootin' some Injuns*, I always had at least one gun loaded and ready to fire. I have many fond memories of shoot outs with my brothers (which were often followed by heated debates over "who shot who first").

I realize that many people shy away from letting their children play with cap guns because they think the toys teach kids to be violent as adults. I believe that cap guns are harmless. I shot my own brothers in cold blood thousands of times as a kid and I haven't killed anyone in real life yet.

*Don't worry, I can say "Injun" without being racist because I'm 1/16 Native American. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it, Paleface.

Well there you have it, the 10 best toys from my childhood. Tracking down and editing images of these toys proved to be a time consuming and sentimental process but I think it turned out pretty dang good. I would like to end this series by thanking my late grandfather, Charles Sims. He bought me pretty much everything on this list, and was the best grandpa a boy could ever have.

Best toys from my childhood #2

G.I. Joe action figures

Out of all my action figures, my G.I. Joes undoubtedly saw the most action. I remember building elaborate forts out of mud, sticks, and brush to set the stage for countless wars. While I loved these toys as a child, I didn't watch the cartoon. I actually think that this made playing with the action figures more fun because I had to imagine their backgrounds, voices, and relationships to one another.

By the end of their tour of duty many of these guys were missing limbs and some of them quite literally had their faces melted off. Apparently the Geneva Conventions don't apply when it comes to the war on Cobra.

Best toys from my childhood #3

Legos

If I was the type of person who used the expression "'nuff said," I would write those two words (one and a half words?) here and be done with this post. Of course, I am not that type of person (I actually hate that phrase) so instead I will say the following:

The enormous popularity of Legos throughout the past few decades suggests that most people are familiar with how completely awesome these toys are. That is all.

. . . .

Actually, I lied. I have one more thing to say. About two years ago I sold the space monorail set (pictured below) at a garage sale for about $10. The set was really neat and I don't know why I sold it. The train ran on a battery and actually went around the track on its own. While looking for photos to use in this post I ran across the same set being sold on Ebay. Apparently the space monorail is a rare toy and is currently being auctioned off with a starting bid of $599! I am NEVER having a garage sale again.

Best toys from my childhood #4

Star Wars action figures/lightsaber

The combination of creative costumes and unique weapons helped make these action figures super popular. Oh, and the fact that they were based on the most awesome movie trilogy of all time didn't hurt either. I had all the main characters and many of the large sets including the Ewok Village, Imperial Shuttle, and the Millennium falcon (with the super cool secret smuggling compartment!). My brother had the speeder bike that blew apart when you pushed a button and man, was I jealous.

The lightsaber pictured below was my "Holy Grail" of toys. I searched countless toy stores trying to find an official Star Wars lightsaber (which made a whistling sound when you swung it). I eventually tracked one down and it was everything I hoped it would be - until it promptly broke. I don't remember how this happened but I'm pretty sure it hurt one of my brothers more than it hurt me.

Best toys from my childhood #5

M.U.S.C.L.E. men

I LOVED these little pink plastic wrestlers. They came in clear bubble packs of 4, semi-transparent trash can packs of 10, and box sets of 28. The company also released a series of different colored wrestlers but I only liked the pink ones (which were more flexible and had a great, distinctive plastic smell). In order to collect them all you had to scour your local Toys "R" Us store, shaking and peering into the packages to find the figures you wanted. Out of all the toys listed in this series of posts, these are the ones I miss the most. If I ever win the lottery I swear I'll buy as many as I can get my hands on.

Despite my love of these little wrestlers, I never collected the full set. At some point my mom decided that the toys were Satanic and made me throw them all away. I'm glad the Devil never appeared and offered to trade some M.U.S.C.L.E. men for my soul. I don't think I would have agreed to the deal but I have to admit I would have come pretty damn close.

Best toys from my childhood #6

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos

I honestly don't remember exactly why I loved these toys so much. They were rather large compared to other action figures and they were made up of squishy rubber heads attached to hard plastic bodies. All I know is that the toys were based on a ragtag band of karate fighters and ninjas, themed around the great Chuck Norris. Wait, what am I saying? These toys were AWESOME!

As a kid I didn't even know who Chuck Norris was, I just knew I had to have the action figures. This type of mind control is just another example of how diabolically badass Chuck Norris truly is.

Best toys from my childhood #7

Super Soakers/water balloons

The only reason water guns are so low on my list is that you could only play with them outside, during the summer. Despite these restrictions, Super Soakers and water balloons were a blast. I thoroughly enjoyed teaming up with any one of my brothers to ambush the other two with these water weapons. I came strapped with the Super Soaker 50 as my main water cannon and the more compact 30 as my backup pistol.

Water balloons were also a great way to soak your enemies (and piss off your parents if you accidentally dropped one inside the house). If you find yourself engaged in water combat in the future I offer you the following advice. Before you throw your water balloon, stretch the top part (where it's tied off) and bite a tiny hole. Pinch the hole so no water leaks out, and when you see your enemy fire away. Think of it as pulling out the pin of a grenade with your teeth before tossing it at your foe (at least that's what I used to imagine). This trick guarantees that your balloon will pop on impact. If you don't follow my advice your balloon may bounce off your target, allowing them to pick it up and throw it back at you - a truly humiliating experience.

Best toys from my childhood #8

M.A.S.K. action figures

These toys were bright and colorful and I loved the little snap-on helmets. Each character had their own removable mask to conceal their true identity. As if that wasn't cool enough, the vehicles/playsets transformed into kick-ass battle stations and fighter jets! Even after all these years I can still recall the theme song. Muh muh muh mask!

Best toys from my childhood #9

My Pet Monster

Your own personal pet monster. What's not to love? My Pet Monster was a huge stuffed animal, complete with corduroy horns and a set of moldy looking rubber teeth. To top it all off, the toy came with life-sized orange handcuffs that you could wear around your own wrists. The handcuffs were rigged so every time you pulled them apart the chain would "break" down the middle - making you feel like a badass monster yourself.