Merry Christmas!

Can you spot the addition my four-year-old made to this nativity scene?


Hint: He's a wise man bearing gold.

Only 4 shopping days 'till Christmas!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament.

Creative destruction

Some friends of ours recently gave our 1-year-old daughter a pack of really cool egg-shaped crayons. My daughter has been having a blast walking around our house drawing all over the walls. Last month she found an even more creative use for them: covering my insides with hot wax.

The other morning I noticed that my coffee tasted a little "off." After drinking half a cup I finally got the energy to get up and investigate the situation. What I discovered is that my daughter, in an effort to help out around the house, had washed her blue egg crayon in the dishwasher!

Every dish was covered in a thin film of wax that needed to be scoured off by hand. Between her and her brother, we're in for some serious trouble.

This post is brought to you by the letters O, C, and D

I found a cool tip chart in Real Simple magazine a few months ago. I scanned it and then spent an hour reformatting it so it would fit nicely on my blog.

Internet ads are the worst!

Here are some ads I saw on Twitter, accompanied by some sassy comments from yours truly.


It's pretty tasteful that this article didn't include the sexiest dead female travelers.



Click the link to read more!



First off, this ad must have been sent to me by mistake, since I'm definitely a dude (I checked).

Secondly, what the hell is this?! "All the guys in your life are going to die off. GET READY TO PARTY!!!"

Turd is the word

Southern California campsites are EXPENSIVE. Can you believe they charge six bucks to take a dump?!



I went hiking on a camp trail last week and snapped a shitty (pun intended) photo of the campsite rules. I cannot believe they are charging by the bowel movement. How is this even regulated? Do you have to sign a log (pun intended) book in the outhouse?

In an effort to be helpful, I have come up with two suggestions that might reduce the strain (pun intended) on a camper's budget.

Tip #1 Night shitting. If you can manage to hold it through the day, you can sneak out at night and crap like a cat. In terms of location, you'll have the pick of the litter (pun intended) and can go (pun intended) wherever you please.

Tip #2 (Pun intended) If you can't hold it 'till nightfall, there is another option. I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure camp rangers are not allowed to enter your tent no matter how bad it smells.

If you use these simple tricks you'll save dozens of dollars. You might even save up enough to buy a new tent!


I know I've been blogging a lot about turds and farts lately, and I'm sorry. I've been changing a lot of diapers so maybe the whole "write what you know" thing is true. Either way, I promise this will be the last entry having to do with poo.

The Last Man on Earth Drinking Game!

I created a Last Man on Earth drinking game! Click on the image below to print it out and play along.

Tip: Make sure to laminate the game sheet if you plan on playing from your margarita pool.



The game contains spoilers so make sure you're all caught up! Click here to watch the most recent episodes on FOX.com.

The name’s Danger Sims. Ryan Danger Sims.

This morning my baby daughter pointed to this ad and said, "Dada!" (And no, she was not pointing to the guy in the back wearing the Cobra Kai skeleton costume.)

She gets MAJOR points for this one (especially considering what her big brother said a couple years ago).




I'll decide when he's had enough, man!

Snow wars

Check out this scene from the cover of the Toys "R" Us holiday catalogue.



Why does Darth Vader have his lightsaber out during a snowball fight?! Please, everyone just LET HIM WIN!

Self-Flatulation

Earlier this month I mentioned my new "Fartdoctor" title. I regret to report that I may be in over my head. People are making inquiries about my medical background and I'm scrambling. Maybe my dad was right when he said I don't have what it takes to be a Fartiologist.

Hotline zing

Out of all the memes for Drake's "Hotline Bling," this one is my favorite.

The Charlie Brown Theme #DrakeAlwaysOnBeat #DrakeIsAlwaysOnBeat pic.twitter.com/1BeBt9Sz86

— drake dancing to (@DRAKEDANClNG) October 20, 2015

Spooky

This is getting ridiculous. Even the Halloween decorations are addicted to their cell phones.

Take it down a notch, Doug

Last week I found out about a site called iPet Companion that lets you interact with animals in shelters from your computer in real-time. I haven't used the service yet, but it seems like a great way to play with animals without getting any of their filthy animal germs on you.

While the video feature is cool, watching the live chat is where the real entertainment is.

I'm really elevating the discourse on QuizUp

The QuizUp trivia app gives out titles for advancing and I was recently awarded one of its highest honors.



Can you believe this T-shirt is only $40?!

While I didn't buy the shirt, I am not above bragging to random strangers through the app.

Putting Songs on Blast! #9

SONG: Thinking Out Loud (yes, I'm putting this song on blast again)
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "People fall in love in mysterious ways."

People fall in love by meeting through friends, going to bars, and finding each other on dating sites. I didn't know why Sheeran was so mystified as to how people fall in love until I read an interview of his dad talking about how he met the love of his life. Here's an excerpt:

"Well, it's a funny story. Back in '65 I was abducted by aliens. After they finished probing me and such, they dumped me naked in a field. Wouldn't you know it, Imogen was milking some animals at a farm nearby and saw me fall from the spaceship. I'll tell you what, when she strolled over and poked me with a stick to see if I was alive, I knew I'd met the one.

"Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars."

That's pretty specific, Ed. How are you going to be sure there are exactly 1,000 stars overhead? Do you have a "star counter" in your entourage?

Also, you'd think he'd be a little more cautious about being outside at night, given his family history of alien abduction.

SONG: Post To Be
ARTIST: Omarion (feat. Jhene Aiko and Chris Brown)
LYRIC: "He gotta eat the booty like groceries . . . if he wants me to expose the freak."

Let me get this straight, a guy has to eat your ass and then you'll "expose the freak?" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE THE FREAK?!

Orange is the new lemon

I don't know who's up for the next Nobel Prize, but my money's on Keith Villa. According to this Blue Moon commercial he's the one who invented putting an orange in beer.


In the beginning God created the orange. Then, later, Keith Villa was like "put it in a beer."

Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and now, Keith Villa. I'm surprised they don't print his phone number on every bottle so that people can call him and personally thank him for his contribution.

Karate party!

Check out this Evite theme for kids parties:



The part before the destroyed house/multiple injuries/parent lawsuits would be awesome!!!

A boy named Bullsmack

I'm playing a game where you design a fallout shelter, run the fallout shelter and create names of people born in your fallout shelter. It's called Fallout Shelter!

I really think I have a knack for this naming thing. Contact me if you're expecting a baby and would like a consultation!

MAJOR UPDATE (9/18/15): Happy to report that Croptop Flipflop, Beer Bong, and Tip Penis have joined the fallout shelter!

To mock a mockingbird

The front cover of the new book Just Mercy features a review claiming it’s superior to a classic work of literature.



I came up with some "quotes" that publishers can use to promote upcoming books. That's right, I put the word "quotes" in quotes. Twice!

"This book makes Moby-Dick look like a raging dumpster fire."

"This book makes A Tale of Two Cities look like A Tale of One Cul-de-sac."

"This book makes Fahrenheit 451 look like Fahrenheit 60 with a Chance of Rain."

"This book makes One Hundred Years of Solitude look like One Hundred Years of Stupid Bullshit."

"This book makes Tom Jones look like Tom Jones (the singer)."

My new business cards (they fancy)

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