It's that time of 3 years 1 month again. (Not exactly a tradition, but I'm working on it.)
I'm referring to the time when I post a new beer review every day for a month. Starting tomorrow I will post 1 review per day for 31 days straight!
Click here to review my ratings system. I hope your month is as enjoyable as mine is about to be!
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Unbelievable
The sequel to Gabriel García Márquez's classic novel Love in the Time of Cholera looks pretty scandalous.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Best/worst news headlines about Pokémon Go
Woman trying to catch Pokémon in cemetery gets stuck in tree
Couple arrested for trespassing at zoo to find Pokémon
Another body found by 'Pokémon Go' players
Man quits job to hunt Pokémon full time
Men fall off cliff during 'Pokémon Go' walk
Milford man follows Pokémon Go into police custody
Man stabbed, continues playing 'Pokémon Go'
Pokémon Go fans told not to play in U.S. Holocaust Museum
Couple arrested for trespassing at zoo to find Pokémon
Another body found by 'Pokémon Go' players
Man quits job to hunt Pokémon full time
Men fall off cliff during 'Pokémon Go' walk
Milford man follows Pokémon Go into police custody
Man stabbed, continues playing 'Pokémon Go'
Pokémon Go fans told not to play in U.S. Holocaust Museum
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
Not a Banksy
My family and I went adventure camping at Kings Canyon National Park last week. I say "adventure camping" because when you camp with two young children it's more like a survival exercise than camping, but it's still a lot of fun. Anyway, while walking down to see the biggest tree in the world, I happened upon some graffiti. I can't figure out what's worse:
1. Someone vandalized a freaking tree.
2. Someone tagged a bible verse on a freaking tree.
3. Someone misspelled the name "John" while tagging a bible verse on a freaking tree.
1. Someone vandalized a freaking tree.
2. Someone tagged a bible verse on a freaking tree.
3. Someone misspelled the name "John" while tagging a bible verse on a freaking tree.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Pilot plot
Hey everyone! You may have noticed a decrease in blog posts over the last few weeks. The reason is that I'm currently writing a pilot! Here's a sneak peek:
Dear Pilot,
Do you like flying airplanes?
Yours truly,
Ryan Danger Sims
JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!
I'm writing an original comedy pilot for television. That joke is just a small taste of the veritable smorgasbord of funny comedy jokes jam-packed into my pilot. Here's what I got so far (click the image to make it bigger).
Dear Pilot,
Do you like flying airplanes?
Yours truly,
Ryan Danger Sims
JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!
I'm writing an original comedy pilot for television. That joke is just a small taste of the veritable smorgasbord of funny comedy jokes jam-packed into my pilot. Here's what I got so far (click the image to make it bigger).
Friday, June 17, 2016
Artmedy
Some people might not know that although I'm currently pursuing a career as a comedy writer, I have a background in studio art. I recently came to the conclusion that there is some crossover between my art and comedy. Here are a couple examples:
See my full portfolio at ryandangersims.com/art.
Thursday, June 02, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Go Rambo!
Florida Woman Fights to Keep Her Pet Alligator Who Wears Clothes and 'Rides' ATVs
ABC News (article excerpt) - March 17, 2016
Meet Rambo, a gentle alligator whose Florida owner says he "eats at the dinner table, sleeps in my bed and follows me around like my dogs."
Thorn told ABC News today that she's had a permit to keep the 15-year-old alligator ever since she rescued and brought him home more than seven years ago, when Rambo was just a little over a foot long.
However, the gator has since grown to be over 6 feet long, and a recently added condition for a permit says that gators over 6 feet need to be kept on a property with at least 2.5 acres of land, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife (FWC) spokesman Gary Morse.
Meanwhile, Thorn still has Rambo and is rallying community support for the gator she calls her "second son."
She explained that Rambo is a local celebrity and has been the star of small shows Thorn has put on for a few charities and organizations in her area.
"He is not a normal gator," Thorn said. "He doesn't bite. When I first got him, I trained him to keep [his snout] tight shut whenever people are around, especially children."
The self-proclaimed "gator momma" said she doesn't believe in taking wild alligators from their natural habitat, but because Rambo had come to her under unique conditions, he needs to stay domesticated.
"He's too weak, and if he's put out in the wild or in a place with other gators, they'll kill him," she said. "He's also scared of outdoor noises, and he's just used to being home with me. This is where he's been his whole life and he's attached to me."
Thorn added that Rambo plays with her other dogs at home, goes to the fridge when he's hungry and even watches TV with her on the couch.
ABC News (article excerpt) - March 17, 2016
Meet Rambo, a gentle alligator whose Florida owner says he "eats at the dinner table, sleeps in my bed and follows me around like my dogs."
Thorn told ABC News today that she's had a permit to keep the 15-year-old alligator ever since she rescued and brought him home more than seven years ago, when Rambo was just a little over a foot long.
However, the gator has since grown to be over 6 feet long, and a recently added condition for a permit says that gators over 6 feet need to be kept on a property with at least 2.5 acres of land, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife (FWC) spokesman Gary Morse.
Meanwhile, Thorn still has Rambo and is rallying community support for the gator she calls her "second son."
She explained that Rambo is a local celebrity and has been the star of small shows Thorn has put on for a few charities and organizations in her area.
"He is not a normal gator," Thorn said. "He doesn't bite. When I first got him, I trained him to keep [his snout] tight shut whenever people are around, especially children."
The self-proclaimed "gator momma" said she doesn't believe in taking wild alligators from their natural habitat, but because Rambo had come to her under unique conditions, he needs to stay domesticated.
"He's too weak, and if he's put out in the wild or in a place with other gators, they'll kill him," she said. "He's also scared of outdoor noises, and he's just used to being home with me. This is where he's been his whole life and he's attached to me."
Thorn added that Rambo plays with her other dogs at home, goes to the fridge when he's hungry and even watches TV with her on the couch.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
The definitive answer to a philosophical question
"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
Yes. The tree makes a sound. It's called science, bro. Also, what kind of egomaniac decides that a falling tree doesn't make a sound unless they're around to hear it?!
Happy Earth Day!
Yes. The tree makes a sound. It's called science, bro. Also, what kind of egomaniac decides that a falling tree doesn't make a sound unless they're around to hear it?!
Happy Earth Day!
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Something crazy is going on in the world of children's books
One of the books I read with my kids is Animals in the Jungle (written by Charles Reasoner and illustrated by Sarah Pitt). At the risk of getting sued for copyright infringement I'm going to post the text from this book in its entirety.
**Warning: major spoilers ahead!**
"Lion, monkey, elephant, parrots, toucan, gorilla, giraffe, snake, crocodile, lion."How is this Charles dude getting credit as a writer?! I imagine the conversation between the publisher and the illustrator as going something like this:
PUBLISHER: "We love your illustrations for the new book, Sarah!"
SARAH: "Thanks. Have you decided on an author yet?"PUBLISHER: "Um . . . we were thinking you could just write the names of the animals beneath the pictures?"
SARAH: (sobbing) "I'M ILLITERATE!"
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Time flies when you're having fun!
I just realized that my wife and I have been together for longer than we lived before becoming a couple! I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog, but I want to say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her very much!
Wednesday, April 06, 2016
A man and his dog
A guy named Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) recently went on a Twitter rant about his experience while playing the video game Skyrim. I converted his tweets into paragraph form, using ellipses between the tweets to make it easier to read.
worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious
so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog
so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children
and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND
and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker
anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun
and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT
in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool
so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.
although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died
and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU
worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious
so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog
so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children
and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND
and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker
anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun
and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT
in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool
so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.
although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died
and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU
Friday, April 01, 2016
Which Kardashian are you?
I found a site that automatically calculates which Kardashian you most resemble (based on recent browsing history).
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