Panda porn?

Panda "Porn" to Boost Mating Efforts at Thai Zoo
National Geographic News - November 13, 2006

A Thai zoo is hoping that "panda pornography" will spark romance between its two giant pandas, which were married by proxy last November in an elaborate Chinese-style ceremony.

Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui have called Thailand's Chiang Mai Zoo home for the past four years. Zoo officials had hoped that the warm Thai climate would spark the pandas' hormones and trigger their desire to mate.

But the animals, on loan from China for ten years, have yet to start a family.

A first mating attempt earlier this year failed to produce offspring, and the pandas have remained platonic pals since then - prompting officials to launch their unique plan.

"They don't know how to mate, so we need to show the male how through videos," project chief Prasertsak Buntrakoonpoontawee told the Reuters news service.

Chuang Chuang, the six-year-old male, will view films of other mating pandas when scientists judge him to be relaxed and receptive - perhaps just after a tasty dinner.

If all goes well, the racy video will be both instructional and inspirational, showing Chuang Chuang the reproductive ropes and causing him to see five-year-old Lin Hui in an entirely different light.

Guitar Hero II

1 Guitar Hero II game for PS2 + 2 guitar controllers + 2 controller extension cables + 1 new 24" flat-tube stereo TV = a gazillion kick-ass jam sessions at our house!

Smooth pick-up lines

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

Do you know karate? Because your body is kickin'!

If I were a fly, I'd be all over you. Because you're the shit!

Profound engravings

Students write interesting things on their desks when no one is watching. One of the most recent engravings I read was "Thugs 4 Life.” I think this is nice. I mean, "Thugs 4 Death" would be a lot tougher but it is refreshing to know that this gang went the other way. I wonder what their initiation is like - "Yo, you gotta resuscitate this fool before we even THINK about letting you join our crew!"

Another student drew a pentagram and wrote "Satin!" underneath. I know this was probably a spelling error but I like to think that the student is a member of a secret cult devoted to the worship of luxurious fabrics. . . .

Top 5 friends (+ worst ever)

Just kidding (this ain't MySpace sucka)!

Hand painting

Hand paintings by Italian artist Guido Daniele:

Idioms

Chip on his shoulder
This is reported as originating with the nineteenth century U.S. practice of spoiling for a fight by carrying a chip of wood on one's shoulder, daring others to knock it off.

Dog days
The ancient Romans noticed that the hottest days of the year, i.e. in late July and early August, coincided with the appearance of Sirius - the Dog Star, in the same part of the sky as the Sun.

Baker's dozen
This phrase originated from the practice of medieval English bakers giving an extra loaf when selling a dozen in order to avoid being penalized for selling short weight.

Turn the tables
Tables used to be the name for backgammon. The phrase comes from the practice of reversing the board so that players play from their opponent's previous position.

Mad as a hatter
Mercury used to be used in the making of hats. This was known to have affected the nervous systems of hatters, causing them to tremble and appear insane.

Information in this posting was taken from www.phrases.org.uk

A smoking monkey

Chimpanzee Told To Stop Smoking
Reuters - April 14, 2005

A South African zoo is trying to persuade its star chimpanzee to kick a bad smoking habit.

Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them - a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday."

Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.

Barnes said Charlie was already showing the signs of a true nicotine addict.

"He even acts like a naughty schoolboy by hiding the cigarette when staff approach the area," Barnes said, adding that the zoo was determined to help him quit.

Barnes said the most important thing was that people stop providing Charlie with cigarettes or any other treats, noting the chimp already had three bad teeth because of all the cans of sweet soft drinks that people throw at him.

Charlie is not the only smoking chimpanzee. A zoo in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou reported last year that one of its chimps had taken up smoking and was desperately cadging cigarette butts off visitors.

Top 5 rides at Disneyland (+ worst ever)

1. Pirates of the Caribbean (before the 2006 renovation)
2. Indiana Jones Adventure
3. Space Mountain
4. Splash Mountain
5. Peter Pan's Flight

Worst: King Arthur Carrousel

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

F#*%in' Starbucks

Watch "The Kid from Brooklyn" rant about his experience at a Starbucks. This clip is hilarious!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was looking for a picture of a turkey to post for Thanksgiving and this is what came up in my Google Image Search. Looks delicious!



Hope you enjoy your holiday!

Are you ready for Thanksgiving?

Winning Streak Continues For Champion Eater
Associated Press - February 2, 2006

A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes at a New York restaurant, winning the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship.

Sonya Thomas won $8,000 for the contest at the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Times Square on Wednesday but said she was disappointed in her performance.

"I could have done better," she said, adding that she was aiming for 30 sandwiches.


Thomas, who is known as the "Black Widow" on the competitive circuit, says she has a naturally big stomach capacity and heavily soaked her sandwiches in water to make them easier to swallow.

She holds numerous world eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes and 56 hamburgers in 8 minutes.

The event was organized by GoldenPalace.com, an Internet casino and poker room.

Video Game Bonanza!

Yesterday we threw a "video game party." A bunch of cool people came over to eat, drink and go video game crazy.

We had the Wii, a PlayStation 2, a GameCube, and a Nintendo 64 set up - each with 4 controllers and a TV. People took turns rocking the joint on Guitar Hero, which was hooked up to stereo speakers and 2 guitars.

Thanks to everyone that came and participated. It was a blast!

I wish I was at home right now

Wiiiiiiiiii

I was in line in front of Best Buy from 1:30 yesterday afternoon until 8:30 this morning. That is 19 hours in line bitches! I did this to get the new Nintendo Wii and it was well worth it. I was able to choose from any games and accessories I wanted because out of the almost 100 people in line, I was #6.

I got the Wii, a memory card, 4 controllers, 4 nunchuk attachments, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Red Steel, Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz and Nintendo Sports (which came with the system). It's on fools!

Linguistic Profile Test

I found a test that breaks down the type of American English you speak. My results are below (click here to take the test for yourself).

My Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

20% Yankee

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

Hidden cell phone antennas

Cell phone antennas are being disguised as trees, cacti, gas station signs, boulders, and even church steeples!

I know you can't see the antenna in the cross but I swear it's there. I got these photos from the website of a company that installs the equipment.

Pretty scary eh?

I am soooo tough.

Here are all the times I can remember being injured in my life, listed in chronological order for your entertainment:

- Stuck a key in an electrical socket while trying to start an imaginary car. The key melted, I was shot 10 feet down the hallway, a hole was burned into the carpet where I was sitting and my finger turned black. The wall socket still has burn marks on it after 26 years.

- Fell in the bathtub and cracked my chin open. Had to get stitches.

- Fell off of a bunk-bed onto a hardwood floor. The railing fell off and hit me in the head once I was on the ground and I had a huge knot in my forehead for a week.

- Pencil stabbed into my leg when I fell down a hill. My grandpa had to pull an inch-long piece of wood from my leg.

- Caught a metal piece of a sliding glass door between my smallest toes while running through the house (on crutches for a month).

- Fell onto a screw sticking out of the metal molding that attached our carpet to the linoleum in our kitchen. Had to get stitches in my knee.

- Crashed through a garage on a bike and hit the back wall. My bike landed on my head after I had landed on the ground. I fractured my clavicle and had to wear a sling for a month.

- Smashed through a wooden fence while riding a go-cart. I bit through my lower lip and had to get stitches.

- Split my head open on a toy metal basketball hoop while going up for a jump shot and had to get stitches in my head.

- Got stung by some type of mutant sea anemone while diving in Greece and had to have a small chunk taken out of my arm (had a bibopsy + stitches).

- Fell while mountain biking in Tahoe. I split my helmet on a rock, got a concussion, got a piece of wood lodged in my palm, pissed myself and got hauled off in an ambulance.

- Tried to jump a brick wall but ended up splitting my shin. I went to the ER the next day and they said it was too late for stitches (and now I have a reoccurring pain in my leg).

If anyone has any interesting injury stories to share, by all means submit a comment!

My "book quiz" results

I took the "book quiz" that's going around MySpace and decided to post my results here in my blog (down with MySpace!). Here are my results:

You're Anarchy, State, and Utopia!
by Robert Nozick

If it were up to you, there would probably be no government at all. But then you'd have to deal with there being no government, and nobody likes that. So you've decided that hiring a few security guards is okay. Getting rid of that nasty tax collector would sure be nice, though. He keeps getting in the way of you making the money you so richly deserve! Everyone who believes in you happens to be fairly well off.

My response: I have never read this book but it looks pretty kick-ass. The description of me is pretty off-base though. I would prefer an anarcho-syndicalist political system, I am okay with taxes as long as they are used for education and social programs (not war), I have no intention of ever hiring a security guard and most of my friends are poor bastards like me. Otherwise it’s spot-on!

Click here to take the book quiz

The worst interview ever!

Yesterday I gave interviews to two of the worst applicants I have ever seen. Here is a factual account of what happened:

Applicant #1:
This person arrived 10 minutes late to his interview. When I asked him about his tardiness he told me that “the thing was broke.” When I asked him to elaborate he said, “the thing on the garage is broke.” He then turned to me with a confused and slightly irritated look on his face and said “I was only 10 minutes late, right?”

I responded by telling him that 10 minutes is a significant amount of time to be late to an interview. He did not apologize. Instead he assured me that "if the thing would have worked" he would have been 5 minutes early.

Here are his responses to questions I asked during the interview:

Q: Why do you want to become a tutor?
A: "I tutored before and I sort of liked doing it."

Q: What do you anticipate to be some challenges when tutoring students in a one-on-one environment?
A: "If they had a hard question and I stumbled on it. That would be like . . . you know?"

I called this person today to let him know that we are unable to hire him. He got upset with me and told me that "people have bad days" and that he should be able to work for us because he "wants the job."

Applicant #2:
This individual showed up dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and was also 10 minutes late. On the way in to the interview he stopped me to ask if his dad could get a job with us too. His father was apparently waiting for him in the parking lot and wanted an application.

Here are his responses to questions I asked during the interview:

Q: Why do you want to become a tutor?
A: "I am not a greedy person. I want to share my golden treasure of knowledge with the next generation."

Q: What motivates you to succeed?
A. "I don’t want to be an outcast of society. . . ."

Q. What do you feel is the appropriate way to talk with parents about a student's performance?
A. "I don’t mean to crush their hopes, it’s just that not every child is perfect. . . ."

Q. How would you challenge a slow learner?
A. "I would give him problems that are too difficult for him and aim towards his weaknesses – like exposing someone with a phobia to the thing that scares them in order to make them better. I would expose his problems to give him strength."

The Apron Chronicles

A traveling exhibit called "The Apron Chronicles" is making its way around the US. The Women’s Museum in Dallas is managing the exhibition which is comprised of photographs, text in story form and 200 vintage aprons.

I thought it was interesting so I searched the internet for photos of the aprons and pieced together a collage.

Rodney Dangerfield's epitaph

$500,000 stamp used to mail in ballott

A Florida voter may have unwittingly lost hundreds of thousands of dollars by using an extremely rare stamp to mail an absentee ballot in Tuesday's congressional election, a government official said on Friday.

The 1918 Inverted Jenny stamp, which takes its name from an image of a biplane accidentally printed upside-down, turned up on Tuesday night in Fort Lauderdale, where election officials were inspecting ballots from parts of south Florida.

The envelope had no return address and the ballot was disqualified because it gave no clue as to the identity of the voter. Only 100 of these stamps have ever been found and it is estimated to be worth $500,000!

Information in this posting was taken from Reuters News

In-N-Out's Secret Menu

I assume most people are aware of In-N-Out's secret menu by now but I thought I'd post it just in case.



3x3 Burger (3 meat patties & 3 cheese slices)

4x4 Burger (4 meat patties & 4 cheese slices)

Protein Style Burger (burger wrapped in lettuce, instead of a bun)

Animal Style Burger (mustard cooked beef patty, pickles, extra spread & grilled onions)

Wish Burger (burger with extra veggies & no meat)

Grilled Cheese (two slices of cheese, no meat)

Flying Dutchman Burger (just meat & cheese, nothing else - not even a bun!)

Animal Style Fries (fries covered in cheese, spread and grilled onions)

Cheese Fries (fries covered in cheese)

Neapolitan Milkshake

Chocolate/Vanilla Swirl Milkshake

Root Beer Float

Side of spread (great for dipping fries!)

Side of yellow wax peppers

Note: They will make you a burger with any meat/cheese combo and whatever condiments you want. I have just listed the most popular examples.

Another joke

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A paradoxical statement

This statement is false.

The above statement cannot be true or false. Don't think about it for too long or your brain will explode.

Quick joke

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

A. A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Eggnog lattes!

i love eggnog la LATTES love 'em but whenI drink 'em I go =craaaaaazzzzy=! EGG NOGLATTES for PreSident! oh boy.................................................

This made my day!

Priest offers captors forgiveness and beer
Reuters - November 8, 2006

A Portuguese priest held hostage for 19 hours by prisoners trying to escape from a jail wants to "celebrate life" over a beer with his former captors.

Julio Lemos, who was grabbed and kept at knife-point by two prisoners at the jail where he held mass over the weekend, said he forgave the prisoners. His two captors are both serving prison sentences for manslaughter.

"It's very easy to say they are unworthy and a bunch of assassins, but it is hard to admit that they are the result of our society," Lemos told daily Diario de Noticias Wednesday.

"I have every intention of going to have that beer I promised them, so that we can celebrate life."

The hostage drama ended as police overpowered the prisoners on their way out of the jail with the priest to an escape car.

Cindy Sherman

Cindy Sherman is one of my favorite photographers. Here are some her untitled self-portraits:

Last night

Last night we went to a luau and watched a woman get Botox injected into her face on stage. We almost won some potpourri in a raffle and I shook my ass for some screaming old ladies. On the way out we made off with some salted meats and a box of party favors.

Pretty typical Wednesday night.

World's Ugliest Dog

This is a real picture. The dog’s name was Sam and he lived to be 14 years old. Sam won the "World's Ugliest Dog" contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair three years in a row!

Work rants

Reasons I want to throw my "boss" through a plate glass window:

1. She is the same age as me but feels compelled to constantly give me "helpful pointers and tips" on how to be a better employee.

2. She ends most conversations with the expression "cool beans."

3. She is one of those people who speaks English but pronounces Spanish words like she's Antonio Banderas. For example, instead of saying 'burrito', she says 'buurrrrito' so as to sound more authentic.

Laugh Lab

I stumbled upon a really cool research project called "Laugh Lab." It was created by a professor at the University of Hertfordshire in England. Here are some of his findings.

1. Differences between males and females in terms of the jokes they found funny:

Huge differences emerged between the jokes most favoured by males and females. Males’ top jokes involved aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females preferred jokes involving word plays.

"These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."

2. Differences between nations in terms of the jokes they found funny:

People from The Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand expressed a strong preference for jokes involving word plays, such as:

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”

Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.

Americans and Canadians much preferred gags where there was a sense of superiority – either because a person looked stupid, or was made to look stupid by another person, such as:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

Finally, many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked jokes that were somewhat surreal, such as:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

These European countries also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that often make us feel anxious, such as death, illness, and marriage. For example:

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter,' but instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Interestingly, Germany was the exception. Germans did not express a strong preference for any type of joke - this may well explain why they came first in our league table of funniness – they do not have any strong preferences and so tend to find a wide spectrum of jokes funny.

These results are really interesting – it suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour. Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people’s culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

Supermarket rants

Things that piss me off at the supermarket:

1. When I go into a store without a basket and end up balancing a gallon of milk, a pound of bacon, a case of soda, an 18 pack of eggs, two pounds of cheese, a box of cereal, two bags of chips and 10 individually packaged yogurts while desperately searching for a cart.

2. Beer prices. $17.99 is not a fair price for a 12 pack of Heineken.

3. When you try to return a spoiled item and the customer service rep gives you the third degree. I just want to grab them by the neck and shout: "The cost of these cracked taco shells is not going to come out of your paycheck!"

Pirate joke

A pirate enters a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out the front of his pantaloons. He hobbles up to the bar on his pegleg and orders a glass of rum.

As the bartender pours him a glass he can't help but ask the pirate, "Do you realize that you have a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Aye! It’s drivin' me nuts!"

A job well done

I love watching NFL football - especially when John Madden is announcing. I think it is a nostalgia thing. Here's a quote from tonight's game:

Madden: "That's what happens to ya when ya, you sweat at 31 degrees . . . steam comes out of your head."

Can you believe he only makes $5 million a year?!

Top 5 Beatles songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Across the Universe"
2. "Rocky Racoon"
3. "In My Life"
4. "I'm So Tired"
5. "Carry That Weight"

Worst: "Wild Honey Pie"

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

I was a brilliant child

I was thinking this morning about how old people say that you do stupid things when you're young. This statement used to bother me, but now I realize that I was just too young and stupid to realize that it's true.

For example, I remember throwing M-80s off of a 50 foot waterfall in the middle of the night, drunk off my ass on Tequila. Here comes the stupid part. (If you thought that was the stupid part you must be really old). I was holding the explosives in my hand, waiting to throw the them off the cliff until the last second (so that they would explode in the air). At the time it was awesome. The canyon shook around us and everyone was impressed. The problem is that I was basically 0.2 seconds away from blowing off my arm.

Want to hear the really stupid part? I was throwing them with my left hand (thinking to myself that if my hand did blow off, at least it would be the one I hardly use). Brilliant!

AFV rocks!

I love America's Funniest Home Videos. It's the original "reality" TV show. They were showing people doing stupid crap when the guys from Jackass were wee foals. (I hope my boss didn’t just see me looking up the term for “baby donkey” when he walked behind me a second ago.)

Now they have AFV DVD's for sale in the supermarket checkout line and I cannot resist them. The first one I bought was all about weddings. People passing out left and right, cakes crashing, the whole bit. It was wonderful.

Yesterday I got the "Nincompoops and Boneheads" edition. I haven't watched it yet but I am sure there will be some trees falling through cars and at least one idiot that falls off a ladder into a beehive.

Top 5 types of cuisine (+ worst ever)

1. Mexican
2. American
3. Greek
4. Italian
5. Chinese

Worst: My grandpa always said that he never met a food he didn't like. I have to say that I agree!

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Finally!

New weapon in battle of the bulge. . . .
Reuters - Thu Nov 2, 7:31 AM ET

Size really does count, just ask Australian underwear maker AussieBum which has just launched the "Wonderjock" for men who want to look bigger.

Since the launch seven days ago, AussieBum says it has sold 50,000 pairs of "Wonderjock," mostly on its Web site www.aussiebum.com and a handful of stores around the world.

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down toward the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby.

"There is no padding, rings or strings," said Ashby, a co-founder of the Internet-based AussieBum firm.

Ashby said the idea for the "Wonderjock" was the result of online feedback from customers who expressed an interest in looking bigger, just like women using the "Wonderbra."

"When you go to a department store to buy underwear you usually get a grandmother serving, which is not the ideal way to get feedback," said Ashby. "Our customers give us feedback. We didn't realize that big is better."


Caution! If you click on it, it gets bigger.

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(Just wanted to put a little space between the pictre of the dude's package and the photo of the cookie.)

Cookie crazy!

These cookies are so freakin' good. I have always loved this type of sugar cookie but now they are dipping the bottoms of them in milk chocolate!

I think I invented a new type of diet. Just stare at this picture while you eat something healthy (like a carrot or some ridiculous thing like that). If you think hard enough it just might taste like a cookie.

Note: You may want to have an actual cookie on hand just in case this does not work.

Reoccurring dreams

I have only had two reoccurring dreams in my life.

Dream #1

I am walking in a backyard full of cracked cement and thick vines. In the corner is a broken fountain full of stagnant green water. I see something move inside and I go over to investigate. Suddenly I am in the fountain and a giant water snake is swimming around me. I swim away in slow motion and wake up right before I get bit.

Dream #2

I am in college and I wake up to discover that I have to take a final exam for a class I have never attended. It is too late to drop the class and I panic.

Interpretations anyone?

Best Jobs/Worst Jobs

As I sit here thinking about my boss being a bastard I can't help but reflect on jobs I have held in the past. Many were bland and forgetful but the positions on the following list stood out for various reasons.

Best Jobs I've Worked:

Winery Tour Guide (Domain Chandon)
I got to drink champagne on the job.
I got free gourmet appetizers and caviar.

Video Game Tester (Sony PlayStation)
Got to play video games all day long.
The break room had a kitchen and a foosball table.

Tech Support/Sales (Apple Computer)
Got two free iPods, Apple discounts, and a bunch of free software.
No commission (no pressure to sell things that people didn't need).

Worst Jobs I've Worked:

Roofer (General Contractor)
Had to start work at 4 in the morning.
Had to lug 50 pound bags around a scorching hot, slanted rooftop.

Maintenance Assistant (JV Warehouse)
Had to mow a huge field full of 3 foot tall grass (with a push mower).
Had to paint bathrooms (while they were in use).

Substitute Teacher (San Diego City Schools)
Do I really even have to explain this one?

Top 5 TV theme songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Knight Rider Theme Song"
2. "Mister Ed Theme Song"
3. "Mission Impossible Theme Song"
4. "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" (Cheers theme song)
5. "M.A.S.K. Theme Song"

Worst: "Suicide is Painless" (M*A*S*H theme song)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!