Saved by Saved by the Bell

I used to love to watch Saved by the Bell when I was younger. Now I realize that it is probably the most important television program in history. The lessons that I learned from this show are invaluable. The video excerpt below is just one little nugget extracted from the voluminous archives of this classic show. If I had never seen Jessie Spano's struggle with caffeine pills I would probably have ended up on a street corner somewhere turning tricks for Vivarin.

I got game(s)

I have been obsessed with video games for so long I almost forgot my roots! I've loved to play board games since I was little and have a amassed a pretty good collection over the years. I recently dusted them off and put them on display so that the next time we have company I can bust 'em out.

Hobosexual

The urban word of the day today is "hobosexual."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj the opposite of metrosexual; one who cares little for
one's own appearance.

Examples: Michael Moore, Peter Jackson.
First documented hobosexual - John the Baptist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

While I am excited to see that the hobo is finding his place in pop culture, I have to disagree with this definition. I would argue that hobo fashion is on its way to making a comeback. Don't be surprised when in 2010 you see people sporting patchy coats, fat wrinkled ties and blown out top hats.

You may also want to consider some of the other definitions from the Urban Dictionary. My personal favorite is below.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
ho•bo•sex•u•al

n, adj to be sexually aroused by homeless people.

Example: "Heather you are a hobosexual because you have
sex with homeless people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I fear that poor Heather is in need of some serious counseling.

Duty calls

So, it is time once again that I engage in the age old American tradition that our forefathers fought and died for. I am speaking of course of the tradition of avoiding jury duty. I have done this successfully in the past but it seems that this time the man has tracked me down. Since I do not have the $250-$1000 required to pay the fine, I fear that I must go.

I called the number on my (second) jury notice today and was confronted with one of those annoying robotic voice prompts that is supposed to respond to whatever you say into your phone receiver. Of course these things never work and I always end up verbally abusing the poor computer voice. This time, however, I was routed to a Spanish speaking robot. Words cannot convey the joy I felt at the realization that my Spanish speaking skills were still strong enough to give that robotic beyotch a piece of my mind.

The Downward Spiral of Deepening Alienation

Image taken from When Corporations Rule The World by David C. Korten.

I know that posting this right on top of my Christmas list may not make sense but what can I say? Ryan Danger Sims is a complicated man.

Dear Santa

A lie told well

A good friend of mine has created a blog that combines his two foremost skills, quick wit and written verbosity, into a slightly offensive (yet undeniably funny) cocktail that's sure to please. His name is Colonel Gentleman and his blog tells his story. Visit alietoldwell.blogspot.com to learn more.

Is Gmail calling me ugly?

I am not too sure about the ads that have been appearing in my email account lately. Gmail's website says that these ads have been chosen specifically for me because they contain "content relevant to (my) specific interests." The following advertisements were displayed next to an email I wrote today. Am I crazy or is Gmail making fun of me?

Top 5 band names (+ worst ever)

1. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone
2. Rage Against the Machine
3. Sonic Youth
4. The Band
5. Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Worst: Hoobastank

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Those crazy Vytorin ads

Whenever I see a commercial for Vytorin I don't know weather to laugh or cry. My theory about these ads is that, in order to save money, the company raided a nursing home and tricked the old people into being in their ads for free.

I can see it now: "Hey Turkey Face, look alive!", "Egg Eyes, put that hat back on or no pills for you!" I think that Taco Lady is my favorite because her outfit is such an obvious stretch. They must have been like, "We can't find anyone who looks like a taco so let's make a hat that looks like one and throw it on that woman's head."

Movie mistakes

The Internet Movie Database (IMDb) has a section that reveals all of the mistakes or "goofs" that can be found in popular movies. Click here to visit the site and search for mistakes in your favorite flicks.

Update (1/21/11): Unfortunately IMDb has removed it's "goofs" page. Click here to see another archive of movie mistakes.

Top 5 types of cheese (+ worst ever)

1. Cambozola
2. St. André
3. Boursin (original flavor)
4. Feta
5. Extra sharp cheddar

Worst: London Fog

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Famous people I have met

(ranked by how nice they were to me)

Tony Hawk - I approached him while I was working at an Apple store and tried to sell him a copy of the video game: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. He had a good sense of humor and was really nice.

Lyle Alzado - My dad played football with him and he used to come over to my house for dinner when I was a wee tike. I don't remember this but my parents say he was cool.

Mark Z. Danielewski - When he signed my copy of House of Leaves I told him to make it out to eBay. I am not sure that he knew I was joking but he was pretty nice about it.

Ralph Nader - I asked him for career advice and he suggested volunteer work. I can't survive off of self-satisfaction alone, Ralph.

Mark Hoppus - Sold him and his wife a computer. This "tough guy" from Blink 182 made me do all the heavy lifting and didn't even give me a tip.

Chali 2na - I met him when he was in Jurrasic 5 (pre-Ozomatli). He wasn't that cool but I got him to sign the back of my driver's license, making it an interesting conversation piece.

Beck - Beck refused to talk to me and had his security guards remove me from his sight. Okay, I did pretend like I was with the band and snuck backstage, but who knew Beck's such a hater?

If you have met anyone in the public eye and want to share a story please add a comment to this post.

Everyone loves a good bigfoot sighting

Pa. hunter's images stir Bigfoot debate
Associated Press - October 28, 2007



It's furry and walks on all fours. Beyond that, about the only thing certain about the critter photographed by a hunter's camera is that some people have gotten the notion it could be a Sasquatch, or bigfoot. Others say it's just a bear with a bad skin infection.

Rick Jacobs says he got the pictures from a camera with an automatic trigger that he fastened to a tree in the Allegheny National Forest, about 115 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, hoping to photograph deer.

"We couldn't figure out what they were," Jacobs said of the images captured on Sept. 16. "I've been hunting for years and I've never seen anything like this."

He contacted the Bigfoot Research Organization, which pursues reports of a legendary two-legged creature that some people believe lives in parts of the U.S. and Canada.

"It appears to be a primate-like animal. In my opinion, it appears to be a juvenile Sasquatch," said Paul Majeta of the bigfoot group.

However, the Pennsylvania Game Commission has a more conventional opinion. Agency spokesman Jerry Feaser said conservation officers routinely trap bears to be tagged and often see animals that look like the photos.

"There is no question it is a bear with a severe case of mange," Feaser told The Bradford Era.




It's good to see that Harry is alive and well. I wonder if the photographer baited him with a delicious McDonald's fish sandwich. . . .

Act 4: The Ménage à Trois

McDonald's Monopoly maddness

I ate at McDonald's a couple of days ago and noticed that they are hosting a Monopoly prize game again. I wanted to post a few facts about the interesting history of this sweepstakes.

• From at least 1995 to 2001 the games were rigged. A man named Jerome Jacobsen, director of security for Simon Marketing (the company that created the play pieces for McDonald's), embezzled over $20 million in prizes. Jacobsen accomplished this by stealing high-value game pieces and distributing them to his family and friends who claimed the prizes and split the proceeds with him.

• In 1995 St. Jude's Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee received an anonymous letter containing a winning game piece worth $1 million. While it was later revealed that Jacobson sent the piece to the hospital, McDonald's did award the money to St. Jude's.

• Only one property sticker per monopoly is a rare piece that's crucial for winning each prize. I put together the following table to show how the prizes break down.



Information in this article was compiled from a variety of sources including Yahoo! News, Wikipedia, McDonalds.com, CNN, and the Associated Press.

Pop quiz hot shot!

I am happy to report that over 20 people voted on my "would you rather" quiz! The results are as follows:

Would you rather . . .
• have a little red blinking light in the lower corner of your vision (76%)
• have a constant pinging in your ear (24%)

Would you rather . . .
• eat a handful of chicken feathers (25%)
• eat five tablespoons of frog eggs (75%)

Would you rather . . .
• save all your photo albums and computers from a house fire (35%)
• save the family pet(s) (65%)

Would you rather . . .
• as a writer, lose your life's work because your computer crashed (78%)
• have someone steal your idea and make a fortune (22%)

Would you rather . . .
• be completely alone with nobody in the vicinity for one year (67%)
• never be alone for even one minute for one year (33%)

Would you rather . . .
• be able to fly (17%)
• be able to become invisible (83%)

Would you rather . . .
• eat one small bar of hotel soap (69%)
• eat six sticks of butter (31%)

Would you rather . . .
• stick your hand into a sealed box of rattlesnakes (31%)
• stick your hand into a box filled with unknown contents that are making a buzzing sound (69%)

Please feel free to comment on these results and explain your decisions (i.e. attempt to convince others that your answers are correct and that their answers are completely ridiculous).

My faith in humanity has been restored

Today I attended the E for All video game expo in LA. While on the show floor a woman next to me found a wad of cash on the ground which looked like it contained at least $100. Immediately upon finding the money she started tapping shoulders and asking people around her if the money was theirs. Everyone said that it didn't belong to them and I congratulated the woman on her honesty.

I don't know what pleased me the most about this situation; the fact that the lady tried to return the money or that the people didn't falsely claim it. Way to go human race!

Vocal impressions

Click here for samples of my vocal impressions.

Guitar Hero tournament

Last Friday I played in my first Guitar Hero tournament. I was eliminated pretty early but my friend Jim actually took home the trophy! Well, actually there was no trophy . . . and he wasn’t technically acknowledged as the winner.

You see the contest was based on percentages, not points and Jim’s guitar lost its connection for about 20 seconds during his song. Despite this handicap he powered through, dominating his rival in points scored and general rockoutability. The percentage points were awarded to Jim’s opponent but everyone attending (including the crowned “winner”) acknowledged Jim as the true face-melting rock champion.


Jim avenging my loss.

The real Hobo McGee

My name on MySpace is Hobo McGee and I secured the url myspace.com/hobomcgee long ago. So you can imagine my surprise when I checked my account today to find a message from a woman claiming to be "the real Hobo McGee." Her email is below (click on it to make it larger and easier to read).



Of course, I had to set the record straight.

Squirrel taxidermy on eBay

"Grey squirrel in hunting outfit"



"Grey squirrel riding a chopper bike"



"Fox squirrel rowing in canoe"

Cheap laughs

I just realized that instead of shelling out money for funny t-shirts I can simply post pictures of them on my blog. Just pretend that I own these shirts and you saw me wearing them at a really cool party.

I got married!

You may have noticed the lack of entries in this blog over the last few months. The reason is that on September 2nd I got married to an amazing girl. She is the funniest person I have ever met (and the fact that she's a super hot blond doesn't hurt).



The preparation for the wedding was intense but now that it is over I will try to resume writing entries to this blog so my half-dozen readers can again rely on me as an enabler of procrastination.

Technologically challenged

Someone at my local video store is a bit confused. . . .

Identification photos

Click here to see my driver's license collection.

The Balls

My friend Shawn (a.k.a Sizzle Sauce) was just crowned a World Bocce Champion! After winning 9-1 in the day-long tourney, he went on to win 11-9 in the finals. It seems like only yesterday that I was schooling him on the beach in SD. . . . Way to go Shawn!

Street Fighter II' Turbo: Hyper Fighting

Today Nintendo made Street Fighter II' Turbo available for download on the Wii! I sold my Super Nintendo 10 years ago and I have missed this game ever since.

I was pleased to discover that after approximately 3,650 days of not playing, I still kick ass.

Sizzle Burgers!

Step 1: Roll up ground beef into large balls.
Step 2: Place beef balls on a sizzlin' hot grill.
Step 3: Smash balls with a spatula until they seep through the grill.
Step 4: Serve (burgers should be simultaneously burnt & raw).

I love Riverside!

The Sanjaya conspiracy

I'M DOING MY PART. . . .

Survival guide

The African safari video game I bought came with a free subscription to Field and Stream magazine! This mag is nuts. It has tons of info on how to survive in the wilderness, shoot guns, etc. Here are some of the actual topics covered in this month's issue:

How to camouflage yourself with a wine cork

How to crap like a cat

Kill small animals with a "backcountry deathstar"

Make a fire with soda and a candy bar

Would you rather . . .

Debbie got me a fantastic book the other day. It has 404 life choices that inspire intellectual conversation. Here is an example:

"Would you rather . . . as a man, have your testicles eaten off by a squirrel or you eyeballs pecked out by a bird?"

Discuss.

Top 5 premium cigars (+ worst ever)

1. Cohiba (Cuban Robusto)
2. Diamond Crown (Natural Robusto)
3. Ashton (Classic Magnum)
4. La Unica (Natural Robusto)
5. Partagas (Cuban Robusto)

Worst: Punch (Honduran Double Maduro)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

The best thing about Disneyland

If you have not had one of these corn dogs you have not lived.

The worst thing about Disneyland

Memory loss

The memory card for my PlayStation 2 got corrupted. I spent hours recovering game data. Then I hit the memory card with a hammer.

The face of a savage

So this hunting game I got for the PS2 is pretty cool but it does have some minor bugs. Sometimes the hunter's face gets all whacked out.

Crazy hobo ransacks museum

Man in WWII uniform attacks 2 at museum
Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 21, 2007

A man dressed in a World War II military uniform attacked two employees at the Evergreen Aviation Museum this week, police said. McMinnville Police Capt. Dennis Marks said Gerald Lahey, a transient, broke into the rear of the building and smashed the glass panel of a display case. He then removed the coat, hat and pants from a World War II uniform and put them on.

Lahey was inside when operations director Phillip Jeager, 33, of McMinnville and cafe manager Cheryl McKay, 62, of Sheridan arrived for work Monday morning. Marks said Lahey punched Jeager several times and bit McKay.

Neither employee required hospitalization.

Museum spokeswoman Nicole Wahlberg said Lahey got into one of the museum's airplanes. He is also accused of pulling a fire alarm and knocking a television set to the floor. Four windows were boarded up after the incident.

Lahey was booked into the Yamhill County Jail on charges of assault, criminal mischief, burglary, robbery and resisting arrest, Marks said. He was lodged in the jail infirmary due to mental health concerns, and was arraigned Tuesday.

Blackjack strategery

Freaky Friday

A video of a crazy dancing skeleton that I shot a long time ago.

Ladies?

Look what I found at the Rite Aid pharmacy:

Billion-dollar bills

According to a recent AP news article, a bunch of people in Texas got billion-dollar electric bills this month due to a printing mistake. One guy got a bill for over $24 billion!

I wish my electric company would send me a bill like that. What a great thing to post on your fridge.

My art degree just paid for itself

I made these personalized 40's for a few of my friends.

Some guys have all the luck. . . .

Man charged after shooting his foot
Associated Press - February 13, 2007

Sheboygan County prosecutors hope to add imprisonment to injury. They charged a 31-year-old man Monday with being a felon in possession of a firearm after he shot himself in the foot Friday.

Patrick R. Hupf Jr. was cleaning the trigger of a .22-caliber rifle when it fired and hit him in the right foot, according to a criminal complaint.

Hupf said the gun belonged to his father, the complaint said. Hupf's father told police that his son forgot to check the chamber before cleaning the gun. He called 911 and had Hupf taken to the hospital, police said.

Hupf faces up to five years in prison and a fine of up to $25,000.

Clean your microwave (you dirty bastard)

How to clean your microwave:

Put lemon slices in a bowl full of water & cook on high for 3-5 minutes. This steams up the walls of the microwave and allows you to easily wipe away food and grease. It also leaves a nice smell.

Our tax dollars at work

I recently received this in the mail. I'm not sure what upsets me more; the fact that the Postal Service is sending me junk mail or the thought that our tax dollars are being used to buy Cathy cartoons.

More bad interviews

Here are some more interview responses. I swear these are real.

Applicant #1:
Q: How would you handle a student that was misbehaving or refusing to do their work?
A: "A small amount of personal abuse. I would use negative re-enforcement and personal disapproval, depending on the amount of authority your company gives me."

Applicant #2:
Q: When speaking to the parents of a student, what do you feel is the most appropriate way to discuss their child's progress (or lack thereof)?
A: "Don't tell them that you hate their kids, even if that is something you really feel or want to eventually prove. . . ."