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Hello and welcome to More Rants than Raves. I created content here from 2006 to 2023. I plan on starting back up soon, but in the meantime please enjoy browsing the archives or click here to view one of over a thousand posts!

Now I know how Brad Pitt feels

Last month we were up in the snow teaching our kids how to snowboard. A friend of ours sent a news article warning of an oncoming blizzard and when we got back home I checked it. Turns out we were pictured in the article! Even crazier is that the person who sent us the article didn't know were in it! Here are the pics. (I'm the guy in the blue jacket in the first photo and my wife is girl in the beige jacket in second.) I can confirm that what followed was indeed a blizzard.

This could have been an email* (Room Email #9)

*But instead it's just a forward.

Hey y'all,

When Pope Julius built a basilica over St. Valentine's grave to honor his martyrdom during the persecution of Christians by the emperor Claudius II Gothicus, he was almost certainly thinking "this dude is going to sell so much candy."

Here's another forward for your infotainment!

Wasted On You

Really enjoying this song/video.

Possibly the Single Most Important Event of the 21st Century: The Gala (Room Email #8)

Hello everyone!

If you've been paying attention to my emails you'll have realized by now that, just like a spoiled college kid calling his parents after spending all his book money on a beer pong table, I only reach out when I need money. Fortunately this time it isn't too much. 

Our teachers would like to attend our school's annual fundraising the dinner, The Gala, and we are going to try and flip the bill for their tickets using our classroom fund. I have been assured that all proceeds will go to our school, but if anyone sees our principle roll up in a new Tesla after The Gala I promise to stage a formal inquiry. Please contribute if you can. Continue reading for a first hand account of my experience at last year's The Gala!

My wife and I attended The Gala for the first time last year and it was quite the ordeal. Allow me to begin at the beginning.

Early in the day I saw a bouquet of flowers for sale at the local supermarket. My daughter shares her name with this particular flower, so I thought it would be a sweet gift. Fast forward to the night of The Gala. Our babysitter arrived and noticed that our cat had been helping himself to the bouquet, nibbling little pieces off at his leisure. We didn’t think anything of it because, to be honest our cat is kind of an a-hole and does whatever he can to destroy our home on the regular. Our babysitter, however, seemed very concerned and informed us that, “gato comiendo estas floras no es bueno” which was weird because she is a white girl with no Hispanic heritage or discernible accent.* Nevertheless, I ran it through a translator app and found that she was trying to tell us that “cat + eating these flowers = bad.”  This is true whether you use the old-school math we learned in the ‘90s, or the “solve it using 127 different methods that your parents have never heard of” way our wonderful team of teachers are currently instructing our young’uns to employ.

*Okay fine, I admit the Spanish part didn’t happen, but that’s how I remember it in my head.

Once we heard the news, I went straight to the World Wide Web™ to find out what to do. Well, you know how when you have a cramp and the internet is like “it could be that you need to stretch, or it could be that you need to amputate your leg” and you just sit there doom-scrolling, regretting that you even looked up the information? This was not that thing. For the first time in human history the entire internet came together to offer one unanimous opinion, and that opinion was that our cat was about to kick the bucket.

My wife and I were very concerned and rushed to the nearest pet hospital. The theme of last year’s The Gala (yes, I am calling it "The Gala" every time because I get paid by the word) was "Roaring '20s," so I was sporting suspenders and a pageboy hat, while my wife had on a flapper dress complete with feathers sticking up out of her tiara. Honestly how did people own cats in the ‘20s? Women were literally dressed as walking cat toys!

We eventually arrived to The Gala, late and stressed out. During the party I received no less than six phone calls updating me on our cat’s status. As a result, I spent most of my time standing on a dark golf course dodging sprinklers while authorizing more and more treatments for our cat. Prices soared, with the bill eventually totaling close to $1,500 American dollars. Now many of you might be thinking, “why would anyone spend that much on a cat so dumb that he eats poison for fun?” To that I would say, “fair point.” I even touched on this while on the phone with the vet. When she (that’s right SHE—if you were assuming that the doctor was male the whole time you need to take a good hard look at yourself), informed me how much it was going to cost I replied that we paid $100 to adopt the cat and then asked, “so you’re telling me that it’s going to cost 15 entire new cats to fix this one used cat?” She was not amused.

Ultimately I ponied up the scratch (haha, animal expressions!) because I couldn’t let our cat die from eating a flower that shares its name with my daughter. That kind of trauma was considered A-OK for ‘80s parents, but in today’s woke culture it would be highkey weak no cap fam okurrr? Plus, I’d undoubtably end up having to pay more than $1,500 in therapy bills for my daughter to lie on a couch talking about how her dad is a callous cat-hating cheapskate. So, long story long I broke down and paid for the cat to live and eat poison another day.

The moral of the story is that you should come to The Gala because you will almost definitely have a better time than I did last year. Hope to see you there!

Sincerely,

Ryan, member of Team McGregillyims and owner of a $1,600 cat

P.S. What's a book's favorite color? Tune in next time for the answer!

Gifts (Room Email #7)

Hello everyone!

It's Ryan from Team McGregillyims. I'm forwarding a message from Sarah (the "illy" of Team McGregillyims).

Thanks everyone for pitching in! And the few that gave the last few days! Here is what we bought:

TEACHERS

Gift cards to Nordstrom’s 

Anthropology throw blanket 

Stanley 40oz water cups

TEACHER AIDES

Gift cards to Nordstrom’s

Stanley 40oz water cups

Thanks again and have a Merry Christmas and a great break!

Hi it's Ryan again. Looks like we got them everything but the Olde English 800 to put in those 40oz "water" cups!

Happy holidays and hope to see you at the class cookie party tomorrow!

I'm pretty sure that I'm the first room mom to include a reference to OE in a classroom email. So I've got that going for me . . . which is nice.

Holiday Party Sign Ups–and lots of random memes! (Room Email #6)

Hello families,

Tis' the season to kick in for some sweet holiday treats to spoil our awesome teachers and classroom aides. If you have already contributed, thank you! If you have not, here's your chance to make things right before Santa comes to knock down your door and drop a fat chunk of coal in your sock drawer, ya filthy animal.

Or, as Sarah more diplomatically puts it:

"As we are wrapping up 2022 before leaving for break we would like to give each of our teachers and classroom aids a holiday gift from the classroom. This is totally optional, but if you would like to contribute you can Venmo me. Thank you so much for those that have already given. We will make sure to note that the gift is from the entire class and deliver it to them on either Wednesday or Thursday of next week so the students can see what the families got them. Feel free to do something on your own if you would like."

We have a real good cop, bad cop situation going on here in our room mom circle and I am here for it.

Angela, who is also a good cop, has created a sign-up sheet for parents to volunteer in class on the last day before winter break. All parents except one (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)* are invited to come celebrate with the class!

*This is a joke. Unless you immediately thought I was talking about you, in which case you may be the problem. Nevertheless, you are invited.

One more thing! We are doing a Secret Santa gift exchange this year where each parent has been assigned one other parent to buy a lavish gift for.

Your person has been randomly selected and will appear in the box that follows this sentence: [Ryan Sims]  Whoever you got, make sure you really spoil them this year!

I look forward to seeing you at the celebration!

Happy Holidays,

Ryan of Team McGregillyims

These Colors Run (Room Email #5)

Hello room peoples,

I have been asked to remind everyone that the Color Run is tomorrow! I didn't know anything about it but I assumed that it involves dipping kids in vats of paint and chasing them around until they find a pot of gold-covered chocolate coins at the end of a digitally projected rainbow hologram beamed directly above a glitter covered finish line, triggering a live band playing Händel's Messiah (The Hallelujah Chorus) at an earsplitting volume, simultaneously blowing out all of the windows in the school.

Then I read the attached flyer and it turns out I missed a couple of small details.

Also, if you would have approached me during my undergrad while partying in Isla Vista and told me that in the future I would be a room mom tasked with forwarding URGENT Bingo information to a group of parents I would have done a Natty Ice spit-take and told you you were crazy. Nevertheless, here we are. Attached is the info I was implored to forward along "ASAP."

Room Announcements–Now with Holiday Colors! (Room Email #4)

Hello room families,

(No joke this time as my daughter is in school and I feel it may be slightly inappropriate to call in during class to ask her to come up with a joke for this email.)

It's been a minute but I'm back, baby! I have been instructed by the room parent overlords to alert you to a few things. I copied and pasted the items below like a true computer wiz. I also added inane comments after each one in an attempt to "make it my own Dawg" as the late* great Randy Jackson would say. (*He's not dead, he just seems like the kind of dude who is late to stuff.)

1. Please remind classrooms about the Color Run next Wednesday and send out attached flyer! 

Hey everyone! The Color Run is next Wednesday. Please see the attached flier!

2. Our next PTA meeting is this week. Just a friendly reminder that room parents are supposed to attend all PTA meetings.

Spoiler alert: I am not attending the meeting. In my defense I HAVE A JOB so everyone back off, please and thank you.

3. Our local police will be having a special presentation on Surviving Gum Violence at the Auditorium on Thursday.

Gun violence is terrible and terrifying. Gum violence, however, sounds downright intriguing. I'm assuming this was a typo in the line I copied and pasted, but you might want to go to the event and check it out just in case.

4. The Ugly Sweater Bingo fundraiser is coming up soon! Bingo cards will be available for sale before and after school beginning this Friday. 

Every year I walk by the table out front and do the best to act like I don't see the good people there begging for my money, and every year I end up getting suckered into buying some of those freaking Bingo cards. This year will be no exception.

5. [redacted celebrity name's] kid now attends our school and I ran into him in the crosswalk the other day. He's out of rehab and looking great!

Okay I added this last one, but it's true and now it's only a matter of time before we become besties and I appear with him in his next feature film so be on the lookout everybody!

Sincerely,

McGregillyims

Free hot chocolate!

Hello and happy merry whatever you celebrate! I want to share something that I recently heard from my children, which I immediately dismissed as BS, until I was harangued into sitting in an In-N-Out drive-thru line, only to discover that my kids were actually telling the truth, prompting a well deserved "I told you so."

Updates (Room Email #3)

Q:  Why did the cow cross the road?
A:  To get to the udder side

Hello room families!

As many of you know, I was out with COVID for a while and Sarah stepped in to author the emails. She had pictures, she included fancy links, and wrote in not one, not two, but SIX different colors. I think she's coming for my job.

Well two can play at that game, Sarah! 

Annnnnnywho, I'm back and ready to roll. 

A big thank you (see what I did there?) to everyone who donated and for those of you who signed up to work the booth!

We're Baaaaackk (Room Email #2)

I got a lot of positive responses to my last room parent email, so I thought I'd post them here from now on. Hope you enjoy, and if you don't please don't' let me know!

  

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?

A: A walk.

Hello!

I promise to keep this one short and sweet(ish). I even put the topics in a numbered list to be real organized-like!

1. Thank you for those of you who donated to our room fund. Unfortunately, we have only received a few donations thus far. In an effort to fix this, we have decided to release one name per week of those who have not yet contributed. We are calling this the "Name of Shame Challenge" and I think it's going to be real popular! JUST KIDDING. Please donate what you can as it all goes to a good cause! You can Venmo, or pretend you're a housewife in the 1970's and bring a handwritten check to the classroom.

2. We need two volunteers to help out with Science Lab. Please let us know if you are able to help. You will need to provide a negative TB test to be a helper on campus, so please sort that mess out beforehand. I know Val Kilmer made tuberculosis look super cool in Tombstone, but in real life it is a big no no. You can get tested at your local CVS and it's covered by most insurance providers. I can also stab you in the arm with a thumbtack for $10 while saying "I'm your huckleberry," but I'm not sure the front office will accept my paperwork.

3. We are still looking for volunteers for our awesome PLINKO booth! Sign up! Just do it! All your friends are doing it. The first sign up is free! Don't think about it just sign it!

Sincerely,

McGregillyims

P.S. Why did the cow cross the road? Tune in next time for the answer!

Hello from the three room moms and one room dude! (Room Email #1)

I have taken on the job of co-room parent for my daughter's class this year. My first assignment was to compose an email asking parents to contribute to our room. Here are two things you need to know in order to get the best out of the reading.

1. My daughter has two teachers who have combined their last names into one (i.e. Smith + Johnson = Smithson).

2. I redacted personal information for privacy reasons, and also because it made me feel like a spy.

   

Hello wonderful families!

With the help of my daughter, I am going to start every email with a joke: “What do you call a fly with no wings?” (Tune in next time for the answer!)

My name is Ryan Sims and I am one of your four room moms people this year. The other room moms include Sarah, Angela, and Chelsea. While they are all decidedly more beautiful ladies than I am, I happen to write the words real good and therefore have been chosen to author our email messages this year. Inspired by the combination of names used by our fabulous teachers, I have decided that the four of us shall henceforth be (collectively) known as McGregillyims [Mc-Greg-illy-ims]. Be sure to say hi when you see any of us on campus! 

I think we can all agree that our classroom is an awesome place for our little ones to learn and thrive. It’s like we are all part of one big family, supporting our kiddos through their elementary school experience. And like any family, there is that one dirtbag cousin who’s always asking for money. I am that dirtbag cousin.

Which brings us to our first order of business. As the 90s’ rap supergroup The Wu-Tang Clan would (sort-of) say: C.R.E.A.M. or Cash Rules Everything Around Mrs. [teacher names redacted]. We all love and appreciate the hard work that both of our teachers and both of their aides do and what better way to show them love than to put up some cold hard cash? In all seriousness though, we are collecting money from every parent in order to provide our teachers and aides with birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and end of year gifts. Please do not give your cash directly to me as I will undoubtedly gamble it away at the local dog track. You can either Venmo, or drop a check off to our teachers.

Our second order of business is our carnival booth! If you’ve been at our school for a while, you know that signing up for one of the shifts to run a carnival booth is like the last round of shots you shouldn't have taken at the bar. At first you take the shot (sign up) thinking “I feel great and this is a great idea!” Then the morning (carnival) rolls around and you’re filled with regret thinking “why would I ever think that was a good idea?! Is it too late to call in sick?”

Well not this year, people! We have (drumroll please) the PLINKO booth!!! This booth is by far the most popular booth at the ‘val (I’m test running a short version of the word carnival here. Try it out, it’s fetch.). It is also the easiest booth to run. Are you able to hold out your hand and give someone a game chip in exchange for a ticket? Then you can do this job! The more people that sign up, the easier it will be on all of us. And honestly this is the bare minimum in terms of helping, people! It’s the “taking the email writing job” of your room mom group.

Sign up today, I promise you won’t regret it!

I know this thing is long (and no, I will not be taking the bait here and making a base “that’s what she said” joke because this is a parent email thread and it would be totally inappropriate), but there is a lot of info to share so get your mind out of the gutter and please keep reading!

Angela would probably have me hunted down if I didn’t mention that there is a [redacted] Fall Donation Drive going on now. Our school is amazing, and a big part of that is due to what this program provides. Our art teacher, music teacher, Science Lab and more are all 100% funded by the program, so donate today! It’s like donating to NPR but without getting a dumb classical music CD that you can’t even put in your car to play because it’s a freaking CD and who listens to classical music anyway unless they are trying to make their baby a genius?

Also, please become a PTA member. I think we can all agree that attending PTA meetings is boring at worst and tedious at best, but it is a necessary group of devoted people who are advocating for the parents at our school. You don’t have to sit through the meetings, but you should become members because they need that sweet moolah to do great things for our kids

I think that about covers it. Thank you for reading until the end and have a fantastic day!

Sincerely,

McGregillyims

We shopped 'till I almost dropped

Last October my wife Debbie and I were on a primetime gameshow!!! We were on Season 2, Episode 5 of Supermarket Sweep hosted by Leslie Jones.

It originally aired on ABC and is currently available on Hulu. Although we are in the second half, I recommend watching the whole thing to get a feel for the game before we are on. If you see me in person I'm happy to tell the story!



P.S. Leslie Jones is lovely.

Taste the lime bro

I just bought my first bag of Skittles in nine years. If you've been following this blog then you know that for most of my life, Skittles was (were?) my favorite candy. Then in 2013, they replaced the original lime flavored green Skittles with barf-flavored™ imposters. I raged against the machine for a few years and eventually gave up on being able to ever taste the true "original" lineup again.

Until today.

Skittles has now gone on an apology tour. I can't bring myself to watch the entire video, but I'd be surprised if they didn't mention my haiku.

About Me

I was recently asked to make a collage representing my hobbies and interests for a project I'm doing. I thought I'd post it here so that once I blow up I can save future stalkers from having to go through my trash. 

 

Hi I’m Ryan, and my life . . . is kinda crazy.

(This title is from a TikTok meme, but in my case it's actually true.)

Since I stopped regularly posting to this blog I have been on a primetime gameshow,* I found (and looted) a shipwreck a mile off the shore of Long Beach, I was asked to submit a comedy writer packet to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and I finally made the decision to stop using the Oxford comma. We also adopted puppy and named him Bodhi (after Patrick Swayze’s character in Point Break).

I will post more soon, but wanted to catch everyone up so we're all on the same page. (I'm looking at you, Jim.)

*Card Sharks stopped filming, but the producers liked my application so much they put my wife and I on another show! I'll post details later.

Don't call it a blogback, I've blogged here for years

(Also blogback isn't a word.)

I'm back, baby! Ryan Danger Sims has been BUSY. Not busy enough to abbreviate my name for this post, but BUSY. Stay tuned for updates!

ABC: Always Be Contestin'

I just applied to be a contestant on the ABC show Card Sharks. Here are some answers I submitted on the form:

Are you a risk taker? Why or why not? Tell us about it - we love stories

Danger is my middle name. Really. It's my legal middle name (on my driver's license and everything). Why am I a risk taker? Well, as my grandma always used to say (and Drake copied without so much as a shout out in his rap song), you only live once (YOLO!). Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. That's another quote from my grandma. She's very wise.

I almost blew my hand off with an M-80 as a teenager. I am not exaggerating when I say I was half a second away from sporting a pirate hook for the rest of my life.

I wear white after Labor Day.

How did you hear about casting?

My wife and I were watching the show and she was like "we gotta sign up to get on there!" And I was like "that's a great idea!" So now here we are.


I mean, with enthusiasm like that, how can they not pick me?

The results are in

I just took a DNA test and while it turns out that I am not, in fact, "100% that bitch," I did find that a good number of my distant relatives were seafaring, horned-helmet and/or flannel skirt wearing badasses, which is kinda cool.

By the looks of my results it looks like I'm about 1/3 English, 1/3 German and 1/3 Celtic/Viking.

After looking into my ancestry, I am left with two major takeaways:

1. Scotland's national animal is a unicorn (this is true, look it up).

2. My warrior ancestors would be extremely proud to know that all the toil and suffering they endured has resulted in at least one of their surviving progeny devoting his life to writing comedy.