Comics crazy

Lately I have been really into collecting digital comics on my Kindle Fire. I am reading a huge variety of comics and I thought I would share a few of my current favorites. (Each series or collection is represented by one issue cover.)

Some series that I'm currently following:


Collected works and story arcs that I liked:


New stuff I'm trying out:

Cool label, crap beer (#3)

It's 2013!

I came across this ribbon (which was awarded to me in Kindergarten), while going through a box of stuff in my Grandma's garage.



I was about to make a resolution for this year, but how can I possibly top placing "participant" in a cake decorating challenge?

Happy New Year!

A nice story for the holidays

Cop gives $100 to needy motorist

United Press International - December 12, 2012

A Plano, Texas, police officer wrapped a traffic ticket for an expired registration in a $100 bill after pulling over a man who was down on his luck.

Hayden Carlo said he was driving when an officer pulled him over for an expired registration. The father of two young children told the officer he had no excuse, except to admit he simply didn't have the money.

"You get paid, pay your bills, and there's your money. It's gone," Carlo told KTVT-TV, Dallas/Fort Worth. "I said 'there's no explanation for why I haven't done it, except I don't have the money.' I said 'it was either feed my kids or get my registration done.' "

The officer, who has asked to remain anonymous, handed Carlo a traffic ticket envelope. Inside was a $100 bill.

Carlo said he's been able to update both his and his wife's registration with the money and is driving back and forth to a new job legally.

"He helped me out when I needed it and I appreciate that. I'll never forget that man," Carlo says. "It definitely restored my faith in God."

Just a friendly reminder

Dear Mike Birbiglia

Dear Mike Birbiglia,

I just finished reading your book Sleepwalk With Me, and I wanted to tell you that I thought it was great! In your book you write that you obsessively check Google Alerts for articles that mention your name, so I thought this would be a good way to get in touch with you. If you are reading this it would be really cool if you would write a comment on this post!

In order to make sure that it is the real Mike Birbiglia (and not some Mike Birbiglia poseur), I was thinking that we should have a password. Please use the word "zebra" in your comment - that way I'll know it's really you.

Thanks,

Ryan Danger Sims

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

So I just opened a new checking account and sweet-talked the banker lady into giving me custom checks for free. Feast your eyes on my selection.



That's right, every check I write from here on out will say "DREAMS DO COME TRUE!" in big bold font, set against a striking leopard print background. You're welcome, America.

The Secret

As many of you know, my life has been crazy lately (hence the lack of blog postings). I was about to give up hope, when I saw a package of WD-40 which put everything in perspective.

Cool label, good beer (#4)

One more (I couldn't resist)

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

Animal jokes

I love the jokes in Reader's Digest. Most of them are not funny, but I am fascinated with the idea that somebody thought they were hilarious enough to publish them. Every once in a while I come across a joke that, as the editors of the magazine would say, "tickles my funny bone." Here are a few.

A man and his dog go to a movie. During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there's a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.

After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, "That was truly amazing!"

"It sure was," the dog owner replies. "He hated the book."

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, Pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name.

"Buddy's blind," said the farmer. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street–with the sheep.

"I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

Cool can cozy collection

It's just a start, but I think this is the beginning of a beautiful collection.

My new toy

My wife got me a Ken doll for my birthday! It's jet black and about seven inches tall. I spent all day yesterday picking out accessories for it (my Ken doll looks fantastic in leather, by the way). I catch people staring at me when I play with it in public, but I just smile because I know they're jealous.

*Update: I've just been told that the name of my new toy is pronounced Kindle, not "Ken doll." Thanks for nothing, Blogger spell check.

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to

(You would blog too if it happened to you)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am really really excited and I got a few cards in the mail and I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to open them but I couldn't wait so I opened them and then I saw that I got some money and just had to spend a little so I went to the local beer shop and picked out a couple of twenty-twos to drink on my birthday and I came home and put them in the fridge but I was too excited to wait until tomorrow so I am trying one right now!!!

Did I mention that I'm excited about my birthday?

The beer that I am enjoying right now is called "Pliny the Elder." While buying it I was told that there was a limit of one per customer. Apparently the beer is so sought after that if they don't limit their sales, it would all be bought up immediately. So you can see why I would want to try it as soon as I got home. I'm happy to report that it is good. Hoppy with a crisp, citrusy finish. Did I mention that it's 8% ABV? Go out and track one down!

P.S. I'm feeling a little guilty about drinking so early in the day. I mean, it's four o'clock somewhere. . . .

Innovative philanthropy

Man donates Kmart inventory to charity

United Press International (article excerpt) - May 18, 2012

A Kentucky businessman who purchased a closing Kmart store's entire inventory and donated it to charity said he hopes the deed inspires others to do good.

Rankin Paynter, the owner of a Winchester firm that buys up surplus goods, said he decided to purchase the closing store's entire inventory -- valued at about $200,000 -- upon learning the store would allow it on the last day of business and he soon decided to donate all of the merchandise to Clark County Community Services, a charity serving low and middle income families in the area, ABC News reported Friday.

"It makes me feel good [to give to charity]," Paynter said. "I come from real poor background. I'm talking really poor."

Paynter said he hopes the attention his donation is receiving will inspire others to give to charity.

A (super) Sonic rant

The Sonic fast food chain markets itself as "America's Drive-In." I thought that going there would be a fun old fashioned drive-in experience à la American Graffiti. Instead, it turned out to be more like a scene from one of the Saw movies. (I haven't seen them, but I hear they're about people who go to restaurants and get bad service, right?) Anyway, here's what happened.

When I pulled up to the place I was excited - it definitely looked the part. There was a line of parking spots, each space outfitted with its own back-lit menu and shiny speaker-box. I pulled up and ordered a burger combo.

A few minutes later, a shifty looking slacker shuffled out to my car, carrying my food. I couldn't help but notice that he had a pair of roller skates slung over his shoulder. Now, I'm not an expert on old school drive-ins but I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be wearing the roller skates. Anyway, I digress. I eagerly grasped for the tray and asked how to secure it to my car door. He looked genuinely confused and stated that they were not allowed to let customers handle the trays. I asked if they had any type of place-mat or box that I could eat on, and he said "no." He handed me my food in a bag and walked off, leaving me to consider just what exactly was the difference between this "drive-in" and any other "drive through."

After pondering this existential dilemma I decided to go eat at a table in front of the building. I walked over, spread out my food, and realized that I had no ketchup. I got up and tried to go inside the restaurant to get some, but the door was locked. I could see employees inside, but nobody came to the door (I found out later that customers are not allowed inside). So, I had no choice but to trek back across the parking lot. I stood next to my car and awkwardly bent over the speaker-box to ask for some ketchup. The employee agreed to meet me back at my table and I set off to walk back across the lot. (I should mention that later in the meal I ran out of napkins, but I just used the paper bag. I didn't want to spend another five minutes walking back and forth through the parking lot.)

So it turned out to be a pretty far cry from my dream of an American Graffiti experience, unless you count the actual graffiti in the area of the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't expecting Harrison Ford to drive up wearing a cowboy hat (although that would have been awesome). I just thought that it would be at least as convenient as a freakin' drive through.

Gnarley post, brah!

Reuters News recently reported that Garrett McNamara just won the world record for surfing the largest wave ever ridden (a 78 footer)!

That's all fine and well, except that everyone knows that the late, great Bodhisattva rode the most humongous wave ever (in the middle of a 50 year storm, no less). So much for journalistic integrity, Reuters.

In related news, a real-life Johnny Utah is attempting to win a different (but equally bodacious) world record.

Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight

Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - May 13, 2012

A 34-year-old unemployed man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight.

James Peterson began the attempt on Friday morning, according to the Akron Beacon Journal, and was scheduled to end at 3 a.m. local time Saturday. Peterson, a self-described fist-pumping "veteran," was accompanied by a pair of videographers on his quest for the record--which included stops at bars in and around the University of Akron.

"I did this on St. Patrick's Day, but it was not documented," Peterson said, telling the paper that he super-glued his right fist closed "to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation."

Vaya con Dios, Peterson.

Spaghetti and skin horses

Earlier this week I took my wife out to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. As anyone who has visited one of these restaurants knows, they have some crazy decor. When we arrived we were seated in a booth with a particularly weird painting. The portrait depicted a pale man-child casually leaning against a (stuffed?) pony, tiny whip in hand.

After ordering our appetizers a woman approached us and said that she "needed to take a picture of the painting." She then proceeded to take multiple snapshots of the thing, awkwardly leaning over our table in the process.

Once she left, we had a laugh and went on with our dinner. By this time, our drinks had arrived and I raised my glass to thank my wife for doing our taxes. I recited my toast (which I nailed by the way), and was just about to take a sip of my beer when the crazy lady appeared again. She interrupted us and frantically stated that she needed to take another photo. She explained that she had a "skin horse" at home, and would love to hang a photo of the painting above it. She took a few more shots while muttering to herself and then scurried back to wherever she came from.

And I thought the photo was disturbing. What the hell is a "skin horse," and what is this woman doing constructing some sort of shrine around one?!

I snapped a photo of the painting myself, so that my loyal blog fans could gaze upon it in all of its glory. Feel free to print a copy and hang it above your favorite taxidermied hobbyhorse!

AdvertiZING

The ad department at Dave & Buster's has done it again. Check out their new enticing offer.

In addition to two $10 gameplay vouchers you get not one, not two, but FOUR boring dinners! It's a wonder this place is still in business.

Top 5 unhealthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips (w/Onion Dip)
2. Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich
3. Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese (w/Ritz Crackers)
4. Mother's Circus Animal Cookies
5. Hostess Orange CupCakes

Worst: Peeps

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Top 5 healthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Jack Link's Original Beef Jerkey
2. CowPals Light String Cheese
3. Triscuit Reduced Fat Crackers
4. Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Cereal (w/skim milk)
5. Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffins (w/Just Fruit jam)

Worst: Banana Power Bar

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Mini-rants

1. It sucks when your laptop dies because you forgot to plug in both sides of the cord (it's plugged into the laptop or the wall, not both).

2. They should change the name of the "world famous" radio station KROQ to GDFF, because all they play is Green Day and Foo Fighters.

3. I hate it when people won't accept payment for an item when you're a penny short. Like when you try to buy something that costs $5.01 with a five dollar bill, and the checker won't budge until you pull out another dollar. I'm like, "get real, dude."

4. What's the deal with all the jerks walking around in the world? I mean, why do they have so be such jerks?!

Five o'clock rant

I have a real problem with the phrase, "it's five o'clock somewhere." Allow me to explain.

First of all, in order for the statement to be accurate, it can only be made on the hour.  The logic of this seems lost on most people.  Consider the popular country song "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," by Alan Jackson. The chorus goes, "It's only half-past twelve but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere." Sorry A-Jax (nickname patent pending), it's actually five thirty somewhere.  And also, you're an idiot.

Secondly, if you want to have a drink before five, just do it and shut yer yap. I guarantee that anyone who'll judge you for getting sloshed during the day won't be swayed by your proclamation that that it's drinkin' time in Guam.

The jig is up

According to a recent Marest Poll, the most popular location for U.S. adults to hide money is in their freezer.

Out of the 1,080 people surveyed, 27% said they hide their money in their freezer, 19% said they stash it inside a sock, 11% said they have money in their mattress, and 10% said they keep cash in their cookie jar (which sounds extremely unsanitary).

Where do you stash your cash?  Leave an (anonymous) comment!

I was duped

Happy Friday the 13th!

(Remember to avoid people with hockey masks and knives today.)

It's kind of crazy that we have two fake holidays this month.  I should take this time to say that I'm sorry about my April Fools' Day prank. I know some of you went out and spent your life savings because of it.

It may make you feel better to know that I was tricked as well. While looking for blog-worthy material on the Internet I came across a concept car being debuted at the New York Auto Show.  MINI Cooper introduced their "Yachtsman" amphibious vehicle, and I was just about to write a post about it (and how much I wanted one).  After doing a little more research I discovered that it was an April Fools' hoax.  Apparently the MINI Cooper company went so far as to issue a false press release, construct a fake version of the vehicle, and showcase it in the auto show.  Awesome!

Top 5 fast-casual restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. Chipotle Mexican Grill
2. Daphne's Greek Cafe
3. Miguel's Jr.
4. Panda Express
5. Wahoo's Fish Taco

Worst: Quiznos

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Performance art

N.D. family loses a friend they never met

United Press International - April 8, 2012

A years-long mystery ended for a North Dakota family when they learned "Jim," who sent them post cards as if they were close friends, had picked them at random.

For the Olson family of Turtle Lake, the sad part was finding out that "Jim" was Jim Moore of Mankato, Minn., a complete stranger who started sending them post cards seven years ago, had died, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Sunday.

Fed up with only receiving bills and coupons in the mail, Moore had come to realize he missed receiving real, handwritten letters. So he got on the Internet and picked a random Midwestern town, and a random last name: Olson. So began his one-sided correspondence with Stan and Sheila Olson.

The Olsons would receive a postcard about three times a year, which was vague enough to make them think Jim was someone they had met before. The messages were brief, such as:

"Was in Paris and saw Francois and Emilie. They send their regards."

Sheila, 52, kept all of Jim's postcards in a box and soon friends and relatives were asking after Jim.

"Our kids have really grown up with this," she told the Star Tribune. "He wrote like he knew us. That was what was so funny."

In January, Moore, 38, passed away from complications of bile duct cancer. Moore's friend, Andrew Reeves, wrote to the Olsons to explain the postcards.

"Sadly, the art exhibition has closed," Reeves' note concluded. "No more postcards from Jim will randomly appear in the mail."

Sheila wrote back to give Reeves her condolences, and explain to him how Jim's postcards gave her family something to smile about.

"My dad had a quirky sense of humor, too," she said. "If he were alive, he would have tried this himself."

Happy spring!

Artist Steve Wheen turns ugly potholes into beautiful miniature gardens. Here are some of my favorite photos from his "guerrilla gardening" blog The Pothole Gardener.

Eww de Toilette

While going through airport security a few days ago, the guy in front of me was told that he couldn't bring his cologne on the plane. Then things got weird.

In a desperate attempt to "fight the power," the man proceeded to douse himself with the remainder of his bottle. I am not exaggerating when I say that he sprayed himself at least 80 times. Cologne was running down his face, neck, and chest as he struggled to eek out every last drop of fluid. Everyone in line tried to avoid eye contact with him, but it was clear that he saw himself as some kind of working man's hero. I honestly think he was expecting to be hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow travelers, smiling victoriously as people cheered him on for sticking it to The Man.

Here's a clandestine photo I snapped of the perfumed perpetrator with his stench spray. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to him on his flight!

Congratulations!

You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).

*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping

United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

Party like a patron saint

Check out the email ad I got from Dave and Buster's, encouraging me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at one of their fine establishments.

Dude, St. Patrick was the bomb! No one partied harder than him. Sure, those rave kids at the bottom of the ad look pretty cool, but they gots nothin' on jolly old Saint Pat. He was a slave for six years and then went on to become an ordained bishop. How could anyone have more fun than that?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

"One in a million" rant

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock, at the time of this writing there are approximately 7,000,086,975 people on planet Earth. This means that when someone tells you that you're "one in a million," what they're actually saying is that there are 6,999 other people in the world who are exactly like you in every way.

I propose that from now on everyone should say, "you're one in seven billion eighty-six thousand nine hundred seventy-five." I admit it isn't as catchy, but at least it's a compliment.

Ultimate collector's items

Type: Comic Book

Title: Action Comics No. 1

Value: $2.16 million

This comic features the first appearance of Superman. The near-pristine copy pictured below was stolen from actor Nicolas Cage in 2000. It was recovered in 2011 by a man who had bought the contents of an abandoned storage locker in San Fernando Valley.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Item: Baseball Card

Title: Honus Wagner T206

Value: $2.80 million

Production of the card was stopped quickly and only a few made it into circulation. Wagner refused to allow production of his baseball card because he didn't want children to buy cigarette packs in order to get it. The card is referred to as the "Gretzky Honus Wagner" because it was once owned by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.

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Item: Coin

Title: 1933 Gold Double Eagle

Value: $7.59 million

All of these coins were supposed to be destroyed when Roosevelt took America off the gold standard. A Mint cashier secretly switched a handful of them with earlier dated Double Eagles before they were melted down.

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Item: Postage Stamp

Title: Treskilling Yellow

Value: $7.87 million

Printed in Sweden in 1855, this stamp is the only one of its kind. It is said to have been found by a Swedish schoolboy in 1885 among a pile of letters left by his grandparents. The stamp was supposed to be green, but was printed yellow by mistake. The tiny stamp (weighing just 0.03 grams) is thought to be the most valuable thing in existence by weight and volume.

Fashion rant

Last week while watching the Oscars I saw actress Missi Pyle talking about her "eco-friendly" dress. At first I thought her outfit looked pretty good considering it was probably made from old soup cans, kitchen sponges, and dirty diapers. Then she revealed that what made her gown so "earth friendly" is that is was made with "cruelty-free silkworms." I shit you not. She assured viewers that no silkworms were harmed in the making of her dress.

When I heard this, my face made the exact same expression as the woman on the left of this photo. I'm just glad that the silkworms finally reached a collective bargaining agreement and can get back to work. I heard it got so bad that they couldn't even afford to buy the silk sheets they work so hard to produce.

You can't make this stuff up

Man shot twice as he tries to shoot caged raccoon

Associated Press - February 27, 2012

A rural Redfield man is being treated for two gunshot wounds after an attempt to shoot a raccoon caught in a live trap backfired.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources says 68-year-old Larry Godwin was using a 22-caliber handgun to shoot the caged raccoon at around 11 a.m. Saturday when the bullet ricocheted off the cage and struck him in the lower abdomen on the right side. He dropped the gun and it fired again, shooting him again in about the same spot.

He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Des Moines by private vehicle.

The DNR says the injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

World's tiniest dude

A 72 year old guy from Katmandu is hoping to claim the Guinness record for being the world's shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi is 22 inches tall (about the height of an infant)! Until recently he had never left his village and did not know that he was the smallest man on earth.

Foodie rant

It drives me crazy when people refer to themselves as "foodies." I get it, you really like food. Do you know who else likes food? Everyone on the freaking planet (with the exception of the idiot that I posted about yesterday). Again people, and I really can't stress this enough, you need food to live!

What an idiot

Check out this bumper sticker I saw yesterday.



What an idiot, right? I mean, last time I checked, if we don't have food then we all die. That's basic science, dude. Also, what the hell do you got against farms?! I mean, I'm no hippie, but I'm pretty sure we need farms to grow food. The same food which we need in order to live. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.

Gmail/Apple rant

Gmail is constantly "updating" their interface and it's driving me crazy. When I signed up for the service I was excited about the simple, clean look and functionality. Since then Gmail has changed its format about a billion times. It seems like every time I log in the buttons are in a different place, and a bunch of new superfluous features have been added.

In my opinion, Gmail is suffering from the same problem that Apple has been experiencing over the last decade. Originally Apple created basic software like iMovie, which made movie editing much easier for the average computer user. Since then they have been gradually complicating the program by adding advanced features. While there is still a vast difference between iMovie and professional video editing programs like Final Cut Pro, Apple is moving away from what made it successful in the first place.

Apple and Gmail, stop while you still can! Keep your software user friendly and clutter free!

iMovie 1

iMovie 11

Itsy bitsy Uniform Resource Locator

I just found a cool web service called Tiny URL. It shortens long website addresses, making them easier to read and send via email. The service is free and the links are permanent. Here's an example.

Let's say you want to recommend a book to a friend. You could cut and paste the web page address into your email like this:

http://www.amazon.com/Boosting-Self-Esteem-Dummies-Rhena-Branch/dp/0470741937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328398655&sr=8-1

But then you run the risk of the link breaking due to formatting problems (and, let's face it, the link looks like crap). If you go to Tiny URL and enter the address, it will convert it to a nice small link like this:

http://tinyurl.com/7mdlbdl

You can even customize the address like this:

http://tinyurl.com/confidentdummy

Mad props, yo!

Super Bowl XLVI is rapidly approaching and even if you don't like football, there's plenty to be excited about. In addition to the big game, I'm looking forward to the million-dollar commercials, ice-cold beer, 7-layer dip, and Puppy Bowl VIII (check it out on Animal Planet - it's freaking adorable).

In addition to these exciting distractions, I like to follow the game's "prop bets" to see how they play out. I've listed my 10 favorites below. These are actual bets currently being offered by the Las Vegas sportsbook, Bovada.

I've color coded the bets for those of you who aren't familiar with gambling odds. Green bets are expected to win and red bets are not (although if you bet on them and won, you'd get lots of money).  Orange bets are 50/50.

How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem?

Over 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Under 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?

No

Yes (+300)

Will Kelly Clarkson forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem?

No

Yes (+250)

How many times will Peyton Manning (brother of Giant's quarterback Eli Manning) be shown on TV during the game?

4 or more times (-130)

0 to 3 times (-110)

How many times will Giselle Bundchen (wife of Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady) be shown on TV during the game?

1 or more times (-150)

0 times (-110)

If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game will he be wearing a Tom Brady jersey?

Yes (-200)

No (+150)

What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl halftime show?

Blonde (-400)

Any other color (+250)

Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?

Yes (-120)

No (-120)

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the game thank first?

Teammates (8/5)

Does not thank anyone (11/4)

God (4/1)

Owner (9/2)

Family (7/1)

Coach (12/1)

What color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning Super Bowl team?

Clear/water (2/1)

Yellow (2/1)

Orange (9/4)

Red (11/2)

Green (6/1)

Blue (10/1)

Cool label, good beer (#3)

O.M.Gosh

I thought that we were finally in a place as a society where we didn't discriminate against people based on race. I was wrong. While doing my laundry yesterday I happened to glance at the instructions on the back of my detergent bottle. I was shocked to discover that my detergent, while being "eco-friendly," is not a proponent of racial equality.

What's next? Segregated tanning salons? Separate but equal soul food restaurants?

I know that some would argue that the instructions are referring to the color of the clothes that are being washed, but should we really be separating "whites" and "coloreds" in any situation? I for one, launder all my clothing together in a veritable "melting pot" of soiled linens. Sure, my clothes are a muddled mess, but it's a small price to pay to be a walking beacon of racial tolerance.

Completed art sites

Hey blog fans! I'm working on some fabulous new blog entries, but I'm pretty busy and it may take me a while to post them. In the meantime you should check out the art sites that I recently completed.

Our Valuables
I just finished editing and posting 18 submissions that I received before the site went on hiatus. Go check out the new (backdated) photos!

linkinglog
I recently updated about 100 links and completed the project. I also added an "about this project" link to explain the history and evolution of the site.

The Invisiblog
If you haven't already contributed (or even if you have), go make a comment or two on my invisible blog. Don't worry if you can't see the posts - just get creative and comment on what you think I might have written about. . . .

Fictitious fat cats

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the The Forbes Fictional 15.  The people over at Forbes have dedicated their time and resources to create a list of the world's "richest fictional characters." At first I thought the article was a joke, but after perusing the site I realized that the magazine's pencil-pushing poindexters take it very seriously.  The "candidates" must meet a strict set of criteria in order to be included, and their worth is painstakingly calculated using complex mathematical equations.

I'm happy to see that McDuck is still ballin' like a boss.

The Forbes Fictional 15
1. Scrooge McDuck (Uncle Scrooge comics) = $44.1 billion
2. Carlisle Cullen (Twilight) = $36.2 billion
3. Artemis Fowl II (Artemis Fowl novels) = $13.5 billion
4. Richie Rich (Richie Rich comics) = $9.7 billion
5. Jed Clampett (The Beverly Hillbillies) = $9.5 billion
6. Tony Stark (Iron Man) = $9.4 billion
7. Smaug (The Hobbit) = $8.6 billion
8. Bruce Wayne (Batman) = $7.0 billion
9. Mr. Monopoly (Monopoly games) = $2.6 billion
10. Arthur Bach (Arthur films) = $1.8 billion
11. Jo Bennett (The Office) = $1.2 billion
12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) = $1.1 billion
13. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) = $1.1 billion
14. Gordon Gekko (Wall Street) = $1.1 billion
15. Jeffrey Lebowski (The Big Lebowski) = $1.0 billion

[Insert manhole joke here]

Dear sewer worker dude/dudette,

First off, thank you for your diligent work keeping the alligators from escaping the sewers. I have yet to spot one in my neighborhood.

Secondly, I wanted to ask if it would be possible for you to make sure that the manhole covers are straight the next time you crawl up out of the sewer. I know that this may seem trivial to you, but when the lines don't line up, it drives me a little crazy. Like when iTunes lists one artist in your library twice because of a spelling error, or when you notice that the little ceramic penguin in your study is no longer facing due south.

I'm doing my part. I always cut up the little plastic soda ties before I flush them down my toilet, and I hardly ever turd in the gutter. I'll keep scratching your back if you'll scratch mine (metaphorically of course, I know where your hands have been).

Thank you so much for understanding,

Ryan Danger Sims, B.A., O.C.D.

P.S. Say hi to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me!

Happy New Year (we're all gonna die)!

It's officially 2012! Enjoy yourself because on December 21st everyone is going to drop dead. Don't believe me? Consider the knowledge that one of the greatest minds of our time, rapper "Lil' Wayne," dropped during an interview with Blender magazine.

"The world is about to end in 2012 . . . ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Mosquitos bite you and you die."



According to Forbes, Lil' "earned" $15 million last year. If that's not an omen that the world is coming to an end, I don't know what is.

Lightsaber 1, Tazer 0

Oregon man arrested in light saber [sic] attack

United Press International (article excerpt) - December 16, 2011

Police in Oregon said they arrested a man accused of assaulting fellow Toys R Us customers with a toy light saber.

Portland police said officers responded to the store at 9:51 p.m. Wednesday on a report of a man attacking customers with the "Star Wars" toy, and they arrived to find the man swinging the light saber around in the parking lot and shouting incoherent statements.

An officer used a Taser on the man, but he was able to use the light saber to break one of the wires, police said. They said the man was tackled to the ground and continued to struggle while being taken into custody.

What the?

I was flipping channels the other day and noticed something disturbing. Check out the programming on the Science Channel:

Just what the hell are those nerds planning?!

Little known facts

A man named David Rice Atchison was once president of the US.

He was only president for a few minutes due to a technicality but his gravestone proudly proclaims that he was president for a day in 1849.

Frank Sinatra didn't write his signature song "My Way."

The melody is based on a French song entitled "Comme d'habitude." Paul Anka heard the song while vacationing in Paris. He bought the publishing rights and tailored the lyrics for Sinatra.

St. Patrick was not Irish.

He was born in Britannia, a Roman province that later became what we know as England. He was captured by Irish raiders when he was 16 and taken to Ireland where he was a slave for six years. He escaped but later returned to spread the Christian gospel.

The song "Puff, the Magic Dragon" is not about smoking weed.

The lyrics were originally penned as a poem in 1959 by a Cornell University student, writing about the sad end to his carefree childhood.

The expression "sweating like a pig" doesn't make sense.

Pigs have no sweat glands and can't sweat at all, which is why they attempt to lower their body temperature by wallowing in mud.

The Olympic Games used to include artistic challenges.

Cultural events ran side-by-side with athletics during both the ancient and modern Olympics. The roster of events included architecture, painting, sculpture, music and literature up through the 1948 games.

Most grown cats are lactose intolerant.

Once kittens are weaned, they no longer need milk in their diets. Cats like the taste of milk and will drink it, but it can give them stomach pain and continuous diarrhea which can endanger their health.

The "cracking" sound of a whip is due to the whip breaking the sound barrier.

A sonic boom is created when the extreme tip of the whip snaps out to its full length. That's what she said. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Duck hunt gone awry

Dog Shoots Duck Hunter From Behind

KTLA News (article excerpt) - December 1, 2011

A duck hunter is recovering from minor wounds he suffered when he was shot in the buttocks by his partner's dog over the weekend, law enforcement authorities said on Thursday.

The two hunting partners had stopped their boat in a marsh area where their duck decoys were placed to retrieve a duck they had shot, and the man laid his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of the vessel and stepped into the shallow water.

"The dog jumped into the boat and was stepping over the shotgun and made it discharge somehow. The guy was still walking away from the boat and he took it in the buttocks," said Box Elder County Sheriff Chief Deputy Kevin Potter.

The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside.

I imagine that the dog looked something like this:

It's that time of year again

Games I just got:

Games I want next:

Another fantastic bumper sticker

E1even, e1even, etcetera

1t's officia11y 11:11:11 on 11/11/11!

This phenomenon happens on1y once in a 1ifetime!

(Un1ess you have access to a time machine or find the ho1y grai1.)

Vanna White is a genius

Okay, maybe "genius" is going a little too far, but consider the following:

You know how when you're unrolling tinfoil (or plastic wrap) the stupid tube comes out of the box and bounces on the counter and then it falls on the dirty kitchen floor and you try to roll the foil back onto the cardboard tube but your hand slips and you cut your finger on the stupid metal teeth on the box and instead of wrapping your leftover lasagna you end up crushing a dirty ball of tinfoil in your bloody mangled hand while cursing whatever idiot invented the stupid tinfoil box?

Well, those days are over my friend. I was watching "The Wheel" the other day and Vanna White shared a helpful hint. Apparently there are tabs at the ends of tinfoil (and plastic wrap) boxes that you are supposed to press inwards. These tabs hold the roll in place and help prevent the aforementioned tragedy from occurring.

Puzzle Bobble

Puzzle Bobble is an arcade classic! Click the image below to play.

For those of you who are not familiar with the game, the object is to make all of the bubbles on the screen disappear. Click the "Start" button onscreen to begin playing. Use the left and right arrows on your keyboard to move the launching device on the bottom of the screen. Press the up arrow on your keyboard to fire a bubble. When you match three or more bubbles of the same color they will pop (dropping any bubbles that are hanging beneath them). Have fun!

Super Survey results

If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?

Super strength ________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Telepathy (read minds, control people)_ 2 votes (13%)

Shape shifting_________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Ability to fly_________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Invisibility___________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Telekinesis (move things w/your mind)__ 2 votes (13%)

Ability to heal others/self____________ 5 votes (33%)

Super speed____________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Teleportation__________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Ability to control the elements________ 0 votes (0%)

Thank you to everyone who voted!

Enjoy your pizza

According to USA Today, Halloween is one of the top 5 pizza days of the year.  Can you guess the other four days?

(Answers are in the "comments" section of this post.)

I love this art project

In her project entitled Back to the Future, artist Irina Werning takes old photographs and recreates them using the same scenes with the same people later in their lives. I posted some of my favorites below. Click any image to view the entire collection.

Water rant

I hate drinking water. Not "drinking water" specifically, but the act of drinking water.  It tastes like nothing. Actually, that isn't true. It tastes like spit. Don't believe me? Swallow some of your spit and then take a drink of water. That's what I thought.

Drinking water is soooo boring. Most people don't agree with me on this issue. When I tell people that I hate water they usually respond by saying something like, "But you need it to live!" or "What are you, some kind of an idiot?" Well, I've done some research that may shock and amaze you all.  Did you know that water is the number one cause of death by drowning?  I think I've made my point.

Top 5 breakfast cereals (+ worst ever)

1. Cap'n Crunch's Oops! All Berries
2. Reese's Puffs
3. Frosted Mini-Wheats
4. Fruit Loops
5. Frosted Flakes

Worst: All-Bran

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

I knew it all along

eBay seller: Nicolas Cage is a vampire

United Press International - September 19, 2011

A Seattle-based eBay seller is asking $1 million for a Civil War-era photo he claims is evidence actor Nicolas Cage is a "vampire."

The seller, who goes by the name Jack Mord, said the photo depicts a man nearly identical to the Oscar-winning actor, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

"Personally, I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so," the online seller wrote on the eBay posting. "150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.

"My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die' ... but in reality, the undead vampire 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over."

Mord said he will allow potential buyers to verify the authenticity of the photo, which was taken by Civil War-era photographer Professor G.B. Smith.

"Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands," he wrote.

Too good to pass up

I know I said I was taking a break, but this is just too good to pass up.

5 Year Blogiversary!

Today marks five years to the day since the start of More Rants than Raves. Since starting this blog I have posted a grand total of 378 (truly delightful) entries; an average of 1 post every 4.83 days.

Thank you to all of my readers for your comments and positive feedback. I have had lots of fun sharing my rants and raves with you all. I plan to keep this blog going in the future but for now I am taking a bit of a break. I have a lot of other wonderful things going on in my life at the current moment and my energy and creativity is needed elsewhere. Peace out for now.

Discombobulated

The comics in the newspaper frustrate me. Every time I look at them I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine cannot figure out why a certain comic is supposed to be funny. That show really hit the nail on the head. Check out this little gem from today's paper. Can anyone tell me how this is supposed to be funny?

Square watermelons

Over the 4th of July weekend I won a prize in a watermelon seed spitting contest. This got me thinking about an article I read a few years back that said a dude in Japan figured out a way to produce square watermelons. The idea is that they are easier to carry, ship, and store in the fridge. I don't know why but I am really fascinated by this idea and have always wanted to get one of the watermelons.

I did some research and discovered that the melons have recently been introduced to the United States market. I was excited until I learned how much they are being sold for. A cool $75 a piece.

It's not a weasel!

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

Associated Press - June 8, 2011

Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend's apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO radio reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the suspect arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested the 33-year-old Hoquiam man after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don't know why he carried it with him.

Martens are members of the weasel family.

More debunking

More fascinating facts from Armchair Reader: The Book of Myths and Misconceptions.

* Caffeine does not stunt your growth. Early studies suggested that drinking lots of caffeinated beverages contributed to reduced bone mass. More recent studies have debunked that idea.

* Not a single pirate treasure map has ever been found. Scholars doubt that pirates buried that much treasure in the first place. The idea that pirates drew maps to locate their buried treasure came from the novel Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.

* Dog's mouths are not cleaner than human's. Canine mouths are rife with bacteria and their saliva does not have any amazing antibacterial properties. Dog's cuts heal faster because their tongues help get rid of dead tissue and stimulate circulation which in turn facilitates the healing process.

* Walt Disney was not cryonically frozen. Disney hated funerals and didn't want one so when he died his family honored his wish with a quick, private burial. Months later, when a man in California underwent the first cryonic preservation, rumors began to swirl that Disney himself had been frozen. The rumors were completely false. Disney's cremated remains reside at a memorial park in Glendale, California.

Real names of celebrities #2

Bono - Paul Hewson
Cary Grant - Archibald Leach
Charlton Heston - John Charles Carter
Demi Moore - Demetria Gene Guynes
Elle Macpherson - Eleanor Gow
Elton John - Reginald Kenneth Dwight
John Wayne - Marion Morrison
Judy Garland - Frances Gumm
Natalie Portman - Natalie Hershlag
Vin Diesel - Mark Vincent

Looking for posts in all the wrong places

Many people don't realize that the search bar at the top left of this blog is specifically dedicated to More Rants than Raves. It's a great way to track down your favorite posts from the past without having to slog through the archives. All you have to do is type in a keyword or phrase and click the little magnifying glass icon.

Go ahead and give it a try!



Actually, don't. After I made this post I searched for a bunch of stuff in my blog and only about half of it showed up. I did some research (get it, re-search?) and found out that the Blogger search bar has been "broken" for the last few years. Apparently Google can't figure out how to fix their search engine. How's that for irony?

Even though the search bar doesn't work very well, I decided to keep this post. I spent a lot of time on it and I don't want it to go to waste. I mean, look at the fancy graphic. And the title? Classic.

I am a little disappointed that my original plan isn't going to work, however. You see, I hid a post entitled "rat turds" in the archives of this blog in hopes that people would type the phrase into the search bar (after seeing my example above). If the Blogger search bar actually worked, they would have been redirected here.

Cheap laughs #2

Check out these t-shirt designs from snorgtees.com. I'm not getting paid to endorse the company, I just think the shirts are funny.

Simsplea the best

Last month I ran across a couple of interesting news articles. I didn’t post them at the time because I didn’t want to interrupt my "best toys from childhood" series. Now that March has come to a close, I thought I'd share these little gems.

Man fires gun to protest slow service

United Press International (article excerpt) - March 12, 2011

A man decided to let employees at a Denny's restaurant in Florida know he was unhappy about delayed service by firing three shots outside the door, police say.

Frederick Louis Sims, 31, of Orlando was arrested near the restaurant Tuesday afternoon, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Police officers said they found a small quantity of marijuana and a .22-caliber Ruger pistol in Sims's Cadillac Escalade.

I'm interested in this article because this Fred Sims character is undoubtedly a long-lost relative of mine. My family has a distinguished history of getting extremely agitated over lengthy restaurant wait times. Also, I couldn't resist a news article that mentions a police search of “Sims’s Cadillac Escalade.”

A few days after the Denny’s incident, another guy got busted for shooting a gun in a different restaurant.

Cops: Angry Taco Bell customer fires at officers

Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 21, 2011

Police say a San Antonio Taco Bell customer enraged that the seven burritos he ordered had gone up in price fired an air gun at an employee and later fired an assault rifle at officers before barricading himself into a hotel room.

San Antonio police Sgt. Chris Benavides says officers used tear gas Sunday night to force the man from the hotel room after a three-hour standoff. The man is charged with three counts of attempted capital murder.

Brian Tillerson, a manager at the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant, told the San Antonio Express-News that the man was angry the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone from 99 cents to $1.49 each.

The article above doesn’t mention the perp’s name but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was also a Sims. Consider the facts of the case:

1. The guy was at a Taco Bell (everybody knows I love Taco Bell).

2. He was angered by gratuitous price gouging ($1.49 for a beefy crunch?!).

3. He was packing an airsoft gun (I have one and I'm not afraid to use it).

**I should mention here that I draw the line at assault rifles and police standoffs.**

In all seriousness though, what is wrong with these two guys?! Their parents must have let them play with cap guns when they were kids. . . .