Something crazy is going on in the world of children's books

One of the books I read with my kids is Animals in the Jungle (written by Charles Reasoner and illustrated by Sarah Pitt). At the risk of getting sued for copyright infringement I'm going to post the text from this book in its entirety.

**Warning: major spoilers ahead!**

"Lion, monkey, elephant, parrots, toucan, gorilla, giraffe, snake, crocodile, lion."

How is this Charles dude getting credit as a writer?! I imagine the conversation between the publisher and the illustrator as going something like this:

PUBLISHER: "We love your illustrations for the new book, Sarah!"

SARAH: "Thanks. Have you decided on an author yet?"

PUBLISHER: "Um . . . we were thinking you could just write the names of the animals beneath the pictures?"

SARAH: (sobbing) "I'M ILLITERATE!"

Time flies when you're having fun!

I just realized that my wife and I have been together for longer than we lived before becoming a couple! I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog, but I want to say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her very much!

A man and his dog

A guy named Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) recently went on a Twitter rant about his experience while playing the video game Skyrim. I converted his tweets into paragraph form, using ellipses between the tweets to make it easier to read.

worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious

so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog

so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children

and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND

and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker

anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun

and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT

in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool

so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.

although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died

and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU

Which Kardashian are you?

I found a site that automatically calculates which Kardashian you most resemble (based on recent browsing history).

Click here to find out!

Don't say they didn't warn us. . . .

Shoppin' Instagrams

Ran a red light and followed this truck for two miles to get this photo. Totally worth it. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 7, 2015 at 11:02am PST

Buying this at the grocery store. Pretty sure the checker thinks I'm going to murder someone. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 4, 2015 at 10:53am PST

Best of the worst

I recently visited Austin for the first time and it was a lot of fun. I met Jack Black (he was nice). I also went to a movie at an Alamo Draft House. There were lots of crazy posters on the wall of the theatre, but this one had to be the craziest.



The poster got me thinking about my favorite best worst movies. If you haven't had the pleasure of watching Popstar (the 2005 movie featuring Aaron Carter) and Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1–12*, do yourself a favor and check them out ASAP.



*Stop after chapter 12, the rest are just absurd. Also, from what I've read R. Kelly seems like a terrible person so try to watch Trapped in the Closet without sending any money his way.

Printer ink rant

I went to the store to get a new ink cartridge the other day and was reminded how insane the prices are.



I did the math and this printer ink comes out to $60 per ounce, or $7,680 per gallon!

That's THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED times the price of gas!

For the price of one ounce of printer ink you could buy a four ounce bar of silver!

If you filled up five gallon-sized milk containers with printer ink, you could trade them for a brand new Mercedes-Benz C-Class Sedan!

What is going on here?! Unless the ink is being made with bald eagle blood, I'm pretty sure we're all getting scammed.

More vibey

A woman on Imugr named Lindsay Stamhuis texts her husband all the crazy things he says in his sleep. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Elaborate"

NY Woman caught driving with elaborate cardboard license plate
United Press International (article excerpt) - March 3, 2016

A New York woman was unable to fool local police with her hand drawn cardboard license plate.




Erie County Sheriff's Office shared photos of the elaborate fake license plate that led an officer to pull over 28-year-old Amanda Schweickert.

"In case you are wondering, homemade cardboard license plates are NOT legal," they wrote in the Facebook post.

Schweickert was seen driving with the cardboard plate, painted to resemble a New York plate, on the back of her car and no front plate.

Officers also discovered that she was driving with a suspended license and no insurance.

A very versatile grave marker

Poor Gavis. He had a good run, but in the end we decided it was best to have him put down.

Nice catch, Google!

Top 5 karaoke songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Brandy" by Looking Glass
2. "I Don't Mind" by Usher
3. "Blue Suede Shoes" by Elvis Presley
4. "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
5. "Wonderwall" by Oasis

Worst: There are no bad karaoke songs if they're performed right!

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Edumacational Instagrams

Dwayne Johnson? #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 25, 2015 at 9:23am PST

Thanks #Goodreads for making me feel like I'm in 7th grade again. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 17, 2015 at 9:24pm PST

Money well spent

Comedian Eugene Mirman got a ridiculous parking ticket. He retaliated by taking out a full-page ad in the city's paper. The part about General Stark is particularly enlightening. It really reinforces the fact that we need to place more value in education–I didn't learn any of the facts Eugene references in my history classes.

Click the image to zoom in.

Big plans

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much as I usually do on this blog. The reason is that I'm working on a super-awesome comedy packet that will surely skyrocket me to my dream job of being a comedy writer.

In the meantime I'll continue to post web content that I enjoy and revisit my Instagrams from yestermonth. When I finish my packet I'll go back to creating original content for More Rants than Raves.

Wish me luck on my packet!*
*Not to my face, I don't need that kind of jinx.

Super off-the-books

If you haven't been watching SNL lately, you've been missing out.

Skateboard racks

Check out the shitty picture I took of this cool invention. I wish they had these when I was in school–I'd have like three more skateboards right now!

Beer vs. Coffee

Or drink a bunch of these and get superpowers!

Words with Instagram

I think #WordsWithFriends is trying to tell me something. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 2, 2015 at 9:51am PST

Hey @GapKids, you miiight want to rethink your beanie design. . . . #Dude #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 17, 2015 at 9:14pm PST

New for 2016!

Here are some exciting new changes coming to More Rants than Raves.

1. Larger images. From now on, when you click on an image it will link you to a larger version of that image. This should help when "zooming in" on photos with a cell phone.

2. Instagram jokes! I just hit 200 posts on Instagram and I've decided that from now on I'm going to post my favorite images from my IG account on this blog.

3. I will try not to use the n-word so much. I counted up all the times I've used the n-word so far and the total is zero, but that's still too much!

Professional dog driver

Saw this disclaimer at the bottom of a commercial. Where can I get one of these driving dogs?!

Merry Christmas!

Can you spot the addition my four-year-old made to this nativity scene?


Hint: He's a wise man bearing gold.

Only 4 shopping days 'till Christmas!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament.

Creative destruction

Some friends of ours recently gave our 1-year-old daughter a pack of really cool egg-shaped crayons. My daughter has been having a blast walking around our house drawing all over the walls. Last month she found an even more creative use for them: covering my insides with hot wax.

The other morning I noticed that my coffee tasted a little "off." After drinking half a cup I finally got the energy to get up and investigate the situation. What I discovered is that my daughter, in an effort to help out around the house, had washed her blue egg crayon in the dishwasher!

Every dish was covered in a thin film of wax that needed to be scoured off by hand. Between her and her brother, we're in for some serious trouble.

This post is brought to you by the letters O, C, and D

I found a cool tip chart in Real Simple magazine a few months ago. I scanned it and then spent an hour reformatting it so it would fit nicely on my blog.

Internet ads are the worst!

Here are some ads I saw on Twitter, accompanied by some sassy comments from yours truly.


It's pretty tasteful that this article didn't include the sexiest dead female travelers.



Click the link to read more!



First off, this ad must have been sent to me by mistake, since I'm definitely a dude (I checked).

Secondly, what the hell is this?! "All the guys in your life are going to die off. GET READY TO PARTY!!!"

Turd is the word

Southern California campsites are EXPENSIVE. Can you believe they charge six bucks to take a dump?!



I went hiking on a camp trail last week and snapped a shitty (pun intended) photo of the campsite rules. I cannot believe they are charging by the bowel movement. How is this even regulated? Do you have to sign a log (pun intended) book in the outhouse?

In an effort to be helpful, I have come up with two suggestions that might reduce the strain (pun intended) on a camper's budget.

Tip #1 Night shitting. If you can manage to hold it through the day, you can sneak out at night and crap like a cat. In terms of location, you'll have the pick of the litter (pun intended) and can go (pun intended) wherever you please.

Tip #2 (Pun intended) If you can't hold it 'till nightfall, there is another option. I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure camp rangers are not allowed to enter your tent no matter how bad it smells.

If you use these simple tricks you'll save dozens of dollars. You might even save up enough to buy a new tent!


I know I've been blogging a lot about turds and farts lately, and I'm sorry. I've been changing a lot of diapers so maybe the whole "write what you know" thing is true. Either way, I promise this will be the last entry having to do with poo.

The Last Man on Earth Drinking Game!

I created a Last Man on Earth drinking game! Click on the image below to print it out and play along.

Tip: Make sure to laminate the game sheet if you plan on playing from your margarita pool.



The game contains spoilers so make sure you're all caught up! Click here to watch the most recent episodes on FOX.com.

The name’s Danger Sims. Ryan Danger Sims.

This morning my baby daughter pointed to this ad and said, "Dada!" (And no, she was not pointing to the guy in the back wearing the Cobra Kai skeleton costume.)

She gets MAJOR points for this one (especially considering what her big brother said a couple years ago).




I'll decide when he's had enough, man!

Snow wars

Check out this scene from the cover of the Toys "R" Us holiday catalogue.



Why does Darth Vader have his lightsaber out during a snowball fight?! Please, everyone just LET HIM WIN!

Self-Flatulation

Earlier this month I mentioned my new "Fartdoctor" title. I regret to report that I may be in over my head. People are making inquiries about my medical background and I'm scrambling. Maybe my dad was right when he said I don't have what it takes to be a Fartiologist.

Hotline zing

Out of all the memes for Drake's "Hotline Bling," this one is my favorite.

The Charlie Brown Theme #DrakeAlwaysOnBeat #DrakeIsAlwaysOnBeat pic.twitter.com/1BeBt9Sz86

— drake dancing to (@DRAKEDANClNG) October 20, 2015

Spooky

This is getting ridiculous. Even the Halloween decorations are addicted to their cell phones.

Take it down a notch, Doug

Last week I found out about a site called iPet Companion that lets you interact with animals in shelters from your computer in real-time. I haven't used the service yet, but it seems like a great way to play with animals without getting any of their filthy animal germs on you.

While the video feature is cool, watching the live chat is where the real entertainment is.

I'm really elevating the discourse on QuizUp

The QuizUp trivia app gives out titles for advancing and I was recently awarded one of its highest honors.



Can you believe this T-shirt is only $40?!

While I didn't buy the shirt, I am not above bragging to random strangers through the app.

Putting Songs on Blast! #9

SONG: Thinking Out Loud (yes, I'm putting this song on blast again)
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "People fall in love in mysterious ways."

People fall in love by meeting through friends, going to bars, and finding each other on dating sites. I didn't know why Sheeran was so mystified as to how people fall in love until I read an interview of his dad talking about how he met the love of his life. Here's an excerpt:

"Well, it's a funny story. Back in '65 I was abducted by aliens. After they finished probing me and such, they dumped me naked in a field. Wouldn't you know it, Imogen was milking some animals at a farm nearby and saw me fall from the spaceship. I'll tell you what, when she strolled over and poked me with a stick to see if I was alive, I knew I'd met the one.

"Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars."

That's pretty specific, Ed. How are you going to be sure there are exactly 1,000 stars overhead? Do you have a "star counter" in your entourage?

Also, you'd think he'd be a little more cautious about being outside at night, given his family history of alien abduction.

SONG: Post To Be
ARTIST: Omarion (feat. Jhene Aiko and Chris Brown)
LYRIC: "He gotta eat the booty like groceries . . . if he wants me to expose the freak."

Let me get this straight, a guy has to eat your ass and then you'll "expose the freak?" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE THE FREAK?!

Orange is the new lemon

I don't know who's up for the next Nobel Prize, but my money's on Keith Villa. According to this Blue Moon commercial he's the one who invented putting an orange in beer.


In the beginning God created the orange. Then, later, Keith Villa was like "put it in a beer."

Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and now, Keith Villa. I'm surprised they don't print his phone number on every bottle so that people can call him and personally thank him for his contribution.

Karate party!

Check out this Evite theme for kids parties:



The part before the destroyed house/multiple injuries/parent lawsuits would be awesome!!!

A boy named Bullsmack

I'm playing a game where you design a fallout shelter, run the fallout shelter and create names of people born in your fallout shelter. It's called Fallout Shelter!

I really think I have a knack for this naming thing. Contact me if you're expecting a baby and would like a consultation!

MAJOR UPDATE (9/18/15): Happy to report that Croptop Flipflop, Beer Bong, and Tip Penis have joined the fallout shelter!

To mock a mockingbird

The front cover of the new book Just Mercy features a review claiming it’s superior to a classic work of literature.



I came up with some "quotes" that publishers can use to promote upcoming books. That's right, I put the word "quotes" in quotes. Twice!

"This book makes Moby-Dick look like a raging dumpster fire."

"This book makes A Tale of Two Cities look like A Tale of One Cul-de-sac."

"This book makes Fahrenheit 451 look like Fahrenheit 60 with a Chance of Rain."

"This book makes One Hundred Years of Solitude look like One Hundred Years of Stupid Bullshit."

"This book makes Tom Jones look like Tom Jones (the singer)."

My new business cards (they fancy)

FRONT


BACK

My autobiography (short version)

Everything you need to know about me is in my Evite bio.

Maryland loves pants

A company called SwiftKey recently created a map of the US that shows the "most used emoji" in each state. I split the map to show more detail.

Some of the emoji's make sense (Hawaii=surfing, Iowa=corn, Oklahoma=spooky ghosts). Other emojis leave a lot of questions. For example, why is Nevada using the phallic eggplant thing so much? And what the hell is going on in Louisiana?!





If you visit to the interactive map you can click on each state for details. That's how I learned that people in Utah are really into oral sex with aliens.

Ryan Danger Sims on HuffPost Live

I was recently contacted by The Huffington Post and asked to participate in an interview with Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel! Check out the video below. I come in at the 23:30 mark, looking distracted while feeding my daughter (who's in her highchair offscreen).

Update (7/1/17): The video no longer plays on HuffPost! They're probably just trying to avoid having to pay me backdated residuals once I make it big.

Helpful site

Wanted to share a very useful website. I check it dozens of times a day for updates.

isitchristmas.com

I'm thinking zero moves ahead

Started playing Chess with Friends with my brother. It is not going well. Here are some screen shots of our conversation while playing. (He's the yellow A, I'm the blue dude with no face.)

Rant (no caption necessary)

Putting Songs on Blast #8

SONG: Papa Was A Rollin' Stone
ARTIST: The Temptations
LYRIC: "Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died, all he left us was a loan."

It's bad enough the guy wasn't around, but the fact that he left his kids to deal with his financial problems is inexcusable.

SONG: Love Me Like You Do
ARTIST: Ellie Goulding
LYRIC: "Touch me like you do."

It is impossible NOT to touch someone "like you do." The fact that the lyrics are phrased in the present tense means that the person could touch her however they wanted and it would be "like they do." They could literally just be flicking her in the eyeball.

Doctor's orders

Check out this prescription I found posted above a gas pump:



Now print this out, mail it to your boss, and BOOM! You're off work until the end of summer! When you finally return to work on September 22nd, make sure you give your boss a big thank you hug.*

*Bonus: If your boss fires you for leaving work and not coming back for 5 weeks you can sue Chevrolet and possibly never have to work again!

Zen merch

I can't think of a better way to "live in the moment" than to spend $8 on a box of rocks.

Phil's Birthday Surprise

I wrote an episode idea for the second season of The Last Man on Earth. Here it is for your consideration.

While on their road trip, Carol finds out it’s Phil’s birthday. She gets excited and starts planning. Carol sneaks off one night and we see her driving towards Tucson. She’s back by morning, but Phil gets curious and starts asking questions. Carol hints that she’s putting together a kind of sexy birthday surprise for him.

Phil becomes convinced that Carol has asked one of the ladies from Tucson to have a threesome with them for his birthday. Carol seems to confirm his theory by making references like, “I know you’re a curious camper, Phil.”

When the big moment arrives Carol leads Phil into their bedroom and we see that Phil was right. Carol has planned a threesome . . . with the mannequin from the pilot. Carol has put the mannequin back together and made a craft project out of making her “sexy” by bedazzling her with glitter and dressing her in hand-knitted lingerie. At first Phil is upset that it’s not one of the other women, but when Carol starts awkwardly kissing the mannequin and bringing its arm up to “caress” her side, Phil shrugs off his disappointment and gets into it.

At this point the scene could go a few different ways.

• There could be a super-awkward sex scene between the three characters.
• Carol could get jealous and Phil would have to settle for the mannequin sitting in the corner, “watching.”
• Carol could introduce a male mannequin into the mix once things get hot and heavy, at which point Phil becomes jealous.

Congratulations to everyone involved in this project

What exactly is going on here? Someone got scissors to cut out a small piece of paper, wrote a message with a Sharpie, highlighted the message to add emphasis, and attached the note with packing tape. Did anyone think of maybe just replacing the pen?