Noncents

According to a recent New York Times article, the US Mint now spends 1.73 cents for every penny and 8.74 cents for every nickel it makes.

Don't mess with Texas. No . . . seriousley.

Bill would allow legally blind Texans to hunt
Associated Press (article excerpt) - December 12, 2006

A state lawmaker wants to make sure no Texan is left out when it comes to hunting, even if the hunter is legally blind.

Rep. Edmund Kuempel, a Seguin Republican, has filed a bill for the 2007 legislative session that would allow legally blind hunters to use a laser sight, or lighted pointing instrument. The devices are forbidden for sighted hunters.

Blind hunters would also have to have a sighted hunter along with them, but they could hunt any game that sighted people can hunt in the same seasons and using the same weapons.

Something is wrong with my brain

Okay, so every day I take a shower and almost every day I walk out of the shower to dry off only to find that I have forgotten to rinse the soap off of my ears. This happens at least 50% of the time and I am not sure why. I think maybe the part of my brain that activates the "ear rinse" function has been permanently damaged.

Paid to party

According to a recent ABC news article, celebrities are being paid thousands of dollars just to show up and hang out at Christmas parties. Not to perform – just to hang out and mingle. Here's a list of a few of these bitches and their current asking price.

Kevin Federline - $12,000 to $20,000

Dave Navarro - $20,000 to $30,000

Mario Lopez - $25,000+

Jessica Simpson - $1,000,000

Bargain bin:

William Hung - $4,000 (and he'll perform two songs!)

Top 5 SNL commercials (+ worst ever)

1. "The Coconut Bangers Ball: It's a Rap!" (CD)
2. "Bathroom Monkey"
3. "Old Glory Insurance" (robot insurance)
4. "Mom Jeans"
5. "Schmitt's Gay" (beer)

Worst: "Donald Trump's House of Wings"

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

My master plan

If I ever become wealthy I will hire a computer genius to create a virus that will eliminate all email forwards. This virus will not harm any computer or access any personal information. It will simply search out and destroy all forwards, making the world a better place for all.

Pandora Internet Radio

A few years ago a group of musicians created "The Music Genome Project." This group categorized tens of thousands of songs into hundreds of sub-genres based on melody, harmony, rhythm, orchestration, arrangement, lyrics, and vocal harmony.

Out of this project came Pandora Internet Radio. Pandora automatically creates commercial-free radio stations based around bands that you like. You can rate the songs that play on the station (thumbs up or thumbs down) and Pandora will adjust the playlist accordingly. It's a great way to find new music.

Top 5 malt liquor 40's (+ worst ever)

1. Olde English "800"
2. King Cobra
3. Crazy Horse
4. St. Ides
5. Country Club

Worst: Camo

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

F#*%ing Austria

I was browsing around on snopes.com (a fact-finding website) and found this photo. Apparently there is a town in Austria named "Fucking."

The worst part? "Bitte - nicht so schnell!" is German for "Please - not so fast!"

Totally random facts

• Charlie Chaplin once entered a “Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest” and lost.
• Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck went bald after being struck by lightning.
• The band Modest Mouse got their name from an essay by Virginia Woolf entitled The Mark On the Wall. In it the author described the working middle class as "modest, mouse-coloured people."

50 things to eat before you die

A couple of years ago the BBC took a survey to find out "50 things to eat before you die." Although some of the items on the list are kind of stupid (sandwiches?!), I still think it is a pretty fun idea.

I've had 43 out of 50. Check out the list to see what you're missing!

1.Fresh fish 2.Lobster 3.Steak 4.Thai food 5.Chinese food 6.Ice cream 7.Pizza 8.Crab 9.Curry 10.Prawns 11.Moreton Bay Bugs 12.Clam chowder 13.Barbecues 14.Pancakes 15.Pasta 16.Mussels 17.Cheesecake 18.Lamb 19.Cream tea 20.Alligator 21.Oysters 22.Kangaroo 23.Chocolate 24.Sandwiches 25.Greek food 26.Burgers 27.Mexican food 28.Squid 29.American diner breakfast 30.Salmon 31.Venison 32.Guinea pig 33.Shark 34.Sushi 35.Paella 36.Barramundi 37.Reindeer 38.Kebab 39.Scallops 40.Australian meat pie 41.Mango 42.Durian fruit 43.Octopus 44.Ribs 45.Roast beef 46.Tapas 47.Jerk chicken/pork 48.Haggis 49.Caviar 50.Cornish pasty 51.Taco Bell nacho cheese

(Okay, I added in the last one - but it really should have made the list.)

This camel knows how to party!

Guinness guzzling camel crashes Xmas party
Reuters - December 6, 2006

Staff at an Irish riding school were forced to postpone festivities after Gus the camel chomped his way through 200 mince pies and several cans of Guinness intended for their Christmas party.

Gus, starring in the riding school's Santa's Magical Animal Kingdom show, helped himself to the feast while staff were getting changed for the party.

"Gus found his way out of his pen and helped himself," Robert Fagan, owner of the Mullingar Equestrian Centre in central Ireland, told Reuters.

The 11-year-old camel, originally from Morocco, cracked open six cans of Ireland's famous stout with his teeth after the door to his stall was left open.

Gus appeared well after Monday evening's feeding frenzy, Fagan said, adding: "We were all looking forward to it, but you couldn't blame him. He's really a very gentle, docile sort of camel."

They got me on lockdown!

One of the main problems with my office is that someone is always looking over my shoulder - literally. My boss positioned the desks so that he (or one of his minions) can sit a couple of feet behind me in order to keep watch.

He sits there all day poised like a freaking chicken hawk, spying on what I do. I can almost feel his beady little eyes boring into the back of my head.

I drew up a diagram so as to illustrate my situation.

Botox for your hair

So I tried this new shampoo called “Body Envy” this morning. Of course, I dropped it in the shower so now the cap is broken and I have to suffer through the entire rest of the bottle with a broken top.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the secret ingredient is that will make everyone envy my body (more than they do now, of course). The shampoo does smell suspiciously like Gummy Bears. . . .

Champagne Parachute

This is a real product!

Although I think the idea is pretty awesome, I feel that I must post instructions on the proper way to open a bottle. I know it's more fun to try and shoot out a friend's eye, but if you spend a lot of cash on a bottle you really should do it right.

How to Open a Bottle of Sparkling Wine
(from Domain Chandon's website)

1. Make sure the bottle is cold. Sparkling wine tastes best when cool (45 to 55 degrees). The best way to chill sparkling wine is to place the bottle in a bucket of half ice and half cold water for about twenty minutes.

2. Remove the foil covering the cork.

3. Place a folded cloth napkin over the cork and wire hood. Grasp the cork and neck of the bottle through the napkin. Tilt the bottle away from yourself and others at a 45-degree angle, bracing the bottom of the bottle against yourself. If you are opening the bottle in its ice bucket, brace the bottom against the inside corner of the bucket.

4. Pull down the wire tab that secures the hood; untwist the tab and loosen the wire hood so that it does not catch on the lip of the bottle. However, do not remove the wire hood and do not let go of the cork. Still grasping the cork and wire hood through the cloth napkin, slowly twist the tilted bottle - not the cork.

5. As you turn the bottle, the pressure of the bubbles will push the cork out. Keep a firm grip on the cork and gently let it ease itself out of the bottle. Try tilting the edge of the cork closest to you to allow the gas to escape slowly off the side. The cork should come out with a whisper, not a loud pop. Enjoy!

Favorite childhood Christmas gifts

Emerson Stereo - I asked for a tape deck and my grandparents got me a home stereo. It came complete with a dual cassette deck and built-in record player!

Sidewinder Scooter- This baby had a handbreak, air-filled tires and a foot platform the size of a skateboard deck. Suck it Razor scooters!

M.U.S.C.L.E. Men - These were the best! I couldn't get enough of these little rubber action figures.

A touch of class

I'm bowling blindfolded from now on

Legally blind woman, 94, bowls a 244
Associated Press - November 30, 2006

Esther Medley of Centralia is legally blind, but when she bowls she can glimpse a bit of the floor to line up with the lane.

Medley, 94, can't see straight ahead, so her 86-year-old husband Ralph tells her which pins are left after her first ball.

That's how Medley recently bowled a score of 244, which included eight strikes, at Fairway Lanes in Centralia. It was the second-highest score of the year for her league.

The Medleys have been bowling in the senior league since 1979.

I lost!

I can't believe it. I did some research this morning and apparently the odds of winning the "Mega Millions" are 175,711,536 to 1. I wish someone would have told me this before I started dividing up my winnings. . . .

How I'll spend my millions

I just bought a "Mega Millions" lottery ticket. This means that in about an hour I will be $40 million richer (about $24 million after taxes). Here's a breakdown of what I'll do with the money:

$10 million to charity - I'll set up a charity that takes leftover food from restaurants and distributes it to the poor. It is illegal now because of liability issues but I will hire attorneys that will figure out a solution.

$6 million for living expenses - I will quit my job, start making art and buy a nice house for my fiancé and I. This house will be complete with a kick-ass game room stocked with ping-pong, pool, air hockey, foosball, shuffle board, a few choice arcade machines (including a Ms. Pacman coffee table, of course) and a vending machine filled with beer.

$4 million for investments - I will put this money into CDs and savings accounts for my kids, grand kids and great-grand kids. (The great-great grand kids can fend for themselves).

$3 million for gifts - I will use this money to hook up my friends and family.

$1 million for travel - I will travel the world with my fiancé.

$100,000 for Jacques - I promised Jacques (the parking lot security guard at my work) that I would hook him up when I win.

I would not buy a bunch of super expensive cars to show off in my driveway.

What would you do? Post a comment and let me know!

Tasty peanut butter cookies

INGREDIENTS
1 cup sugar
1 stick butter (room temperature)
1 egg
1 cup smooth peanut butter
1 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cups flour

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 375 degrees and grease baking sheet. Mix sugar and butter together in a large bowl. Beat in egg to mixture. Mix in peanut butter and vanilla until smooth and creamy. Stir in salt, baking soda and flour until well mixed. Roll dough into 1 inch balls. Roll cookie balls in sugar and place on cookie sheet. Flatten the cookies down with a fork (very important!) and bake for 9-11 minutes. This recipe should make about 18 scrumtrelescent cookies!

Two tongue twisters

Say "toy boat" three times fast.

Or try my childhood favorite (as fast as you can):

I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit.
Upon a slitted sheet I sit.

Panda porn?

Panda "Porn" to Boost Mating Efforts at Thai Zoo
National Geographic News - November 13, 2006

A Thai zoo is hoping that "panda pornography" will spark romance between its two giant pandas, which were married by proxy last November in an elaborate Chinese-style ceremony.

Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui have called Thailand's Chiang Mai Zoo home for the past four years. Zoo officials had hoped that the warm Thai climate would spark the pandas' hormones and trigger their desire to mate.

But the animals, on loan from China for ten years, have yet to start a family.

A first mating attempt earlier this year failed to produce offspring, and the pandas have remained platonic pals since then - prompting officials to launch their unique plan.

"They don't know how to mate, so we need to show the male how through videos," project chief Prasertsak Buntrakoonpoontawee told the Reuters news service.

Chuang Chuang, the six-year-old male, will view films of other mating pandas when scientists judge him to be relaxed and receptive - perhaps just after a tasty dinner.

If all goes well, the racy video will be both instructional and inspirational, showing Chuang Chuang the reproductive ropes and causing him to see five-year-old Lin Hui in an entirely different light.

Guitar Hero II

1 Guitar Hero II game for PS2 + 2 guitar controllers + 2 controller extension cables + 1 new 24" flat-tube stereo TV = a gazillion kick-ass jam sessions at our house!

Smooth pick-up lines

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world!

Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

Do you know karate? Because your body is kickin'!

If I were a fly, I'd be all over you. Because you're the shit!

Profound engravings

Students write interesting things on their desks when no one is watching. One of the most recent engravings I read was "Thugs 4 Life.” I think this is nice. I mean, "Thugs 4 Death" would be a lot tougher but it is refreshing to know that this gang went the other way. I wonder what their initiation is like - "Yo, you gotta resuscitate this fool before we even THINK about letting you join our crew!"

Another student drew a pentagram and wrote "Satin!" underneath. I know this was probably a spelling error but I like to think that the student is a member of a secret cult devoted to the worship of luxurious fabrics. . . .

Top 5 friends (+ worst ever)

Just kidding (this ain't MySpace sucka)!

Hand painting

Hand paintings by Italian artist Guido Daniele:

Idioms

Chip on his shoulder
This is reported as originating with the nineteenth century U.S. practice of spoiling for a fight by carrying a chip of wood on one's shoulder, daring others to knock it off.

Dog days
The ancient Romans noticed that the hottest days of the year, i.e. in late July and early August, coincided with the appearance of Sirius - the Dog Star, in the same part of the sky as the Sun.

Baker's dozen
This phrase originated from the practice of medieval English bakers giving an extra loaf when selling a dozen in order to avoid being penalized for selling short weight.

Turn the tables
Tables used to be the name for backgammon. The phrase comes from the practice of reversing the board so that players play from their opponent's previous position.

Mad as a hatter
Mercury used to be used in the making of hats. This was known to have affected the nervous systems of hatters, causing them to tremble and appear insane.

Information in this posting was taken from www.phrases.org.uk

A smoking monkey

Chimpanzee Told To Stop Smoking
Reuters - April 14, 2005

A South African zoo is trying to persuade its star chimpanzee to kick a bad smoking habit.

Charlie, a grown male chimp and the Bloemfontein Zoo, has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them - a habit he probably picked up by observing humans, zoo officials told the SAPA news agency on Thursday."

Baby chimps pick up habits by mimicking adults and we think he started mimicking smokers at his enclosure which probably led to smokers throwing him cigarettes," spokesman Daryl Barnes told SAPA.

Barnes said Charlie was already showing the signs of a true nicotine addict.

"He even acts like a naughty schoolboy by hiding the cigarette when staff approach the area," Barnes said, adding that the zoo was determined to help him quit.

Barnes said the most important thing was that people stop providing Charlie with cigarettes or any other treats, noting the chimp already had three bad teeth because of all the cans of sweet soft drinks that people throw at him.

Charlie is not the only smoking chimpanzee. A zoo in the Chinese city of Zhengzhou reported last year that one of its chimps had taken up smoking and was desperately cadging cigarette butts off visitors.

Top 5 rides at Disneyland (+ worst ever)

1. Pirates of the Caribbean (before the 2006 renovation)
2. Indiana Jones Adventure
3. Space Mountain
4. Splash Mountain
5. Peter Pan's Flight

Worst: King Arthur Carrousel

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

F#*%in' Starbucks

Watch "The Kid from Brooklyn" rant about his experience at a Starbucks. This clip is hilarious!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was looking for a picture of a turkey to post for Thanksgiving and this is what came up in my Google Image Search. Looks delicious!



Hope you enjoy your holiday!

Are you ready for Thanksgiving?

Winning Streak Continues For Champion Eater
Associated Press - February 2, 2006

A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes at a New York restaurant, winning the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship.

Sonya Thomas won $8,000 for the contest at the Planet Hollywood restaurant in Times Square on Wednesday but said she was disappointed in her performance.

"I could have done better," she said, adding that she was aiming for 30 sandwiches.


Thomas, who is known as the "Black Widow" on the competitive circuit, says she has a naturally big stomach capacity and heavily soaked her sandwiches in water to make them easier to swallow.

She holds numerous world eating records, including 46 dozen oysters in 10 minutes, 11 pounds of cheesecake in 9 minutes, 48 chicken tacos in 11 minutes, 37 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes and 56 hamburgers in 8 minutes.

The event was organized by GoldenPalace.com, an Internet casino and poker room.

Video Game Bonanza!

Yesterday we threw a "video game party." A bunch of cool people came over to eat, drink and go video game crazy.

We had the Wii, a PlayStation 2, a GameCube, and a Nintendo 64 set up - each with 4 controllers and a TV. People took turns rocking the joint on Guitar Hero, which was hooked up to stereo speakers and 2 guitars.

Thanks to everyone that came and participated. It was a blast!

I wish I was at home right now

Wiiiiiiiiii

I was in line in front of Best Buy from 1:30 yesterday afternoon until 8:30 this morning. That is 19 hours in line bitches! I did this to get the new Nintendo Wii and it was well worth it. I was able to choose from any games and accessories I wanted because out of the almost 100 people in line, I was #6.

I got the Wii, a memory card, 4 controllers, 4 nunchuk attachments, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Red Steel, Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz and Nintendo Sports (which came with the system). It's on fools!

Linguistic Profile Test

I found a test that breaks down the type of American English you speak. My results are below (click here to take the test for yourself).

My Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

20% Yankee

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

Hidden cell phone antennas

Cell phone antennas are being disguised as trees, cacti, gas station signs, boulders, and even church steeples!

I know you can't see the antenna in the cross but I swear it's there. I got these photos from the website of a company that installs the equipment.

Pretty scary eh?

I am soooo tough.

Here are all the times I can remember being injured in my life, listed in chronological order for your entertainment:

- Stuck a key in an electrical socket while trying to start an imaginary car. The key melted, I was shot 10 feet down the hallway, a hole was burned into the carpet where I was sitting and my finger turned black. The wall socket still has burn marks on it after 26 years.

- Fell in the bathtub and cracked my chin open. Had to get stitches.

- Fell off of a bunk-bed onto a hardwood floor. The railing fell off and hit me in the head once I was on the ground and I had a huge knot in my forehead for a week.

- Pencil stabbed into my leg when I fell down a hill. My grandpa had to pull an inch-long piece of wood from my leg.

- Caught a metal piece of a sliding glass door between my smallest toes while running through the house (on crutches for a month).

- Fell onto a screw sticking out of the metal molding that attached our carpet to the linoleum in our kitchen. Had to get stitches in my knee.

- Crashed through a garage on a bike and hit the back wall. My bike landed on my head after I had landed on the ground. I fractured my clavicle and had to wear a sling for a month.

- Smashed through a wooden fence while riding a go-cart. I bit through my lower lip and had to get stitches.

- Split my head open on a toy metal basketball hoop while going up for a jump shot and had to get stitches in my head.

- Got stung by some type of mutant sea anemone while diving in Greece and had to have a small chunk taken out of my arm (had a bibopsy + stitches).

- Fell while mountain biking in Tahoe. I split my helmet on a rock, got a concussion, got a piece of wood lodged in my palm, pissed myself and got hauled off in an ambulance.

- Tried to jump a brick wall but ended up splitting my shin. I went to the ER the next day and they said it was too late for stitches (and now I have a reoccurring pain in my leg).

If anyone has any interesting injury stories to share, by all means submit a comment!

My "book quiz" results

I took the "book quiz" that's going around MySpace and decided to post my results here in my blog (down with MySpace!). Here are my results:

You're Anarchy, State, and Utopia!
by Robert Nozick

If it were up to you, there would probably be no government at all. But then you'd have to deal with there being no government, and nobody likes that. So you've decided that hiring a few security guards is okay. Getting rid of that nasty tax collector would sure be nice, though. He keeps getting in the way of you making the money you so richly deserve! Everyone who believes in you happens to be fairly well off.

My response: I have never read this book but it looks pretty kick-ass. The description of me is pretty off-base though. I would prefer an anarcho-syndicalist political system, I am okay with taxes as long as they are used for education and social programs (not war), I have no intention of ever hiring a security guard and most of my friends are poor bastards like me. Otherwise it’s spot-on!

Click here to take the book quiz

The worst interview ever!

Yesterday I gave interviews to two of the worst applicants I have ever seen. Here is a factual account of what happened:

Applicant #1:
This person arrived 10 minutes late to his interview. When I asked him about his tardiness he told me that “the thing was broke.” When I asked him to elaborate he said, “the thing on the garage is broke.” He then turned to me with a confused and slightly irritated look on his face and said “I was only 10 minutes late, right?”

I responded by telling him that 10 minutes is a significant amount of time to be late to an interview. He did not apologize. Instead he assured me that "if the thing would have worked" he would have been 5 minutes early.

Here are his responses to questions I asked during the interview:

Q: Why do you want to become a tutor?
A: "I tutored before and I sort of liked doing it."

Q: What do you anticipate to be some challenges when tutoring students in a one-on-one environment?
A: "If they had a hard question and I stumbled on it. That would be like . . . you know?"

I called this person today to let him know that we are unable to hire him. He got upset with me and told me that "people have bad days" and that he should be able to work for us because he "wants the job."

Applicant #2:
This individual showed up dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and was also 10 minutes late. On the way in to the interview he stopped me to ask if his dad could get a job with us too. His father was apparently waiting for him in the parking lot and wanted an application.

Here are his responses to questions I asked during the interview:

Q: Why do you want to become a tutor?
A: "I am not a greedy person. I want to share my golden treasure of knowledge with the next generation."

Q: What motivates you to succeed?
A. "I don’t want to be an outcast of society. . . ."

Q. What do you feel is the appropriate way to talk with parents about a student's performance?
A. "I don’t mean to crush their hopes, it’s just that not every child is perfect. . . ."

Q. How would you challenge a slow learner?
A. "I would give him problems that are too difficult for him and aim towards his weaknesses – like exposing someone with a phobia to the thing that scares them in order to make them better. I would expose his problems to give him strength."

The Apron Chronicles

A traveling exhibit called "The Apron Chronicles" is making its way around the US. The Women’s Museum in Dallas is managing the exhibition which is comprised of photographs, text in story form and 200 vintage aprons.

I thought it was interesting so I searched the internet for photos of the aprons and pieced together a collage.

Rodney Dangerfield's epitaph

$500,000 stamp used to mail in ballott

A Florida voter may have unwittingly lost hundreds of thousands of dollars by using an extremely rare stamp to mail an absentee ballot in Tuesday's congressional election, a government official said on Friday.

The 1918 Inverted Jenny stamp, which takes its name from an image of a biplane accidentally printed upside-down, turned up on Tuesday night in Fort Lauderdale, where election officials were inspecting ballots from parts of south Florida.

The envelope had no return address and the ballot was disqualified because it gave no clue as to the identity of the voter. Only 100 of these stamps have ever been found and it is estimated to be worth $500,000!

Information in this posting was taken from Reuters News

In-N-Out's Secret Menu

I assume most people are aware of In-N-Out's secret menu by now but I thought I'd post it just in case.



3x3 Burger (3 meat patties & 3 cheese slices)

4x4 Burger (4 meat patties & 4 cheese slices)

Protein Style Burger (burger wrapped in lettuce, instead of a bun)

Animal Style Burger (mustard cooked beef patty, pickles, extra spread & grilled onions)

Wish Burger (burger with extra veggies & no meat)

Grilled Cheese (two slices of cheese, no meat)

Flying Dutchman Burger (just meat & cheese, nothing else - not even a bun!)

Animal Style Fries (fries covered in cheese, spread and grilled onions)

Cheese Fries (fries covered in cheese)

Neapolitan Milkshake

Chocolate/Vanilla Swirl Milkshake

Root Beer Float

Side of spread (great for dipping fries!)

Side of yellow wax peppers

Note: They will make you a burger with any meat/cheese combo and whatever condiments you want. I have just listed the most popular examples.

Another joke

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A paradoxical statement

This statement is false.

The above statement cannot be true or false. Don't think about it for too long or your brain will explode.

Quick joke

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

A. A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Eggnog lattes!

i love eggnog la LATTES love 'em but whenI drink 'em I go =craaaaaazzzzy=! EGG NOGLATTES for PreSident! oh boy.................................................

This made my day!

Priest offers captors forgiveness and beer
Reuters - November 8, 2006

A Portuguese priest held hostage for 19 hours by prisoners trying to escape from a jail wants to "celebrate life" over a beer with his former captors.

Julio Lemos, who was grabbed and kept at knife-point by two prisoners at the jail where he held mass over the weekend, said he forgave the prisoners. His two captors are both serving prison sentences for manslaughter.

"It's very easy to say they are unworthy and a bunch of assassins, but it is hard to admit that they are the result of our society," Lemos told daily Diario de Noticias Wednesday.

"I have every intention of going to have that beer I promised them, so that we can celebrate life."

The hostage drama ended as police overpowered the prisoners on their way out of the jail with the priest to an escape car.

Cindy Sherman

Cindy Sherman is one of my favorite photographers. Here are some her untitled self-portraits:

Last night

Last night we went to a luau and watched a woman get Botox injected into her face on stage. We almost won some potpourri in a raffle and I shook my ass for some screaming old ladies. On the way out we made off with some salted meats and a box of party favors.

Pretty typical Wednesday night.

World's Ugliest Dog

This is a real picture. The dog’s name was Sam and he lived to be 14 years old. Sam won the "World's Ugliest Dog" contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair three years in a row!

Work rants

Reasons I want to throw my "boss" through a plate glass window:

1. She is the same age as me but feels compelled to constantly give me "helpful pointers and tips" on how to be a better employee.

2. She ends most conversations with the expression "cool beans."

3. She is one of those people who speaks English but pronounces Spanish words like she's Antonio Banderas. For example, instead of saying 'burrito', she says 'buurrrrito' so as to sound more authentic.

Laugh Lab

I stumbled upon a really cool research project called "Laugh Lab." It was created by a professor at the University of Hertfordshire in England. Here are some of his findings.

1. Differences between males and females in terms of the jokes they found funny:

Huge differences emerged between the jokes most favoured by males and females. Males’ top jokes involved aggression, putting women down and sexual innuendo. In contrast, females preferred jokes involving word plays.

"These findings reflect fundamental differences in the ways in which males and females use humour" said Dr Wiseman. "Males use humour to appear superior to others, whilst women are more linguistically skilled and prefer word-puns."

2. Differences between nations in terms of the jokes they found funny:

People from The Republic of Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand expressed a strong preference for jokes involving word plays, such as:

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”

Doctor: “I've got some cream for that.

Americans and Canadians much preferred gags where there was a sense of superiority – either because a person looked stupid, or was made to look stupid by another person, such as:

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

Finally, many European countries, such as France, Denmark and Belgium, liked jokes that were somewhat surreal, such as:

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

These European countries also enjoyed jokes that involved making light of topics that often make us feel anxious, such as death, illness, and marriage. For example:

A patient says: “Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter,' but instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Interestingly, Germany was the exception. Germans did not express a strong preference for any type of joke - this may well explain why they came first in our league table of funniness – they do not have any strong preferences and so tend to find a wide spectrum of jokes funny.

These results are really interesting – it suggests that people from different parts of the world have fundamentally different senses of humour. Humour is vital to communication and the more we understand about how people’s culture and background affect their sense of humour, the more we will be able to communicate effectively.

Supermarket rants

Things that piss me off at the supermarket:

1. When I go into a store without a basket and end up balancing a gallon of milk, a pound of bacon, a case of soda, an 18 pack of eggs, two pounds of cheese, a box of cereal, two bags of chips and 10 individually packaged yogurts while desperately searching for a cart.

2. Beer prices. $17.99 is not a fair price for a 12 pack of Heineken.

3. When you try to return a spoiled item and the customer service rep gives you the third degree. I just want to grab them by the neck and shout: "The cost of these cracked taco shells is not going to come out of your paycheck!"

Pirate joke

A pirate enters a bar with a ship's steering wheel sticking out the front of his pantaloons. He hobbles up to the bar on his pegleg and orders a glass of rum.

As the bartender pours him a glass he can't help but ask the pirate, "Do you realize that you have a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Aye! It’s drivin' me nuts!"

A job well done

I love watching NFL football - especially when John Madden is announcing. I think it is a nostalgia thing. Here's a quote from tonight's game:

Madden: "That's what happens to ya when ya, you sweat at 31 degrees . . . steam comes out of your head."

Can you believe he only makes $5 million a year?!

Top 5 Beatles songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Across the Universe"
2. "Rocky Racoon"
3. "In My Life"
4. "I'm So Tired"
5. "Carry That Weight"

Worst: "Wild Honey Pie"

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

I was a brilliant child

I was thinking this morning about how old people say that you do stupid things when you're young. This statement used to bother me, but now I realize that I was just too young and stupid to realize that it's true.

For example, I remember throwing M-80s off of a 50 foot waterfall in the middle of the night, drunk off my ass on Tequila. Here comes the stupid part. (If you thought that was the stupid part you must be really old). I was holding the explosives in my hand, waiting to throw the them off the cliff until the last second (so that they would explode in the air). At the time it was awesome. The canyon shook around us and everyone was impressed. The problem is that I was basically 0.2 seconds away from blowing off my arm.

Want to hear the really stupid part? I was throwing them with my left hand (thinking to myself that if my hand did blow off, at least it would be the one I hardly use). Brilliant!

AFV rocks!

I love America's Funniest Home Videos. It's the original "reality" TV show. They were showing people doing stupid crap when the guys from Jackass were wee foals. (I hope my boss didn’t just see me looking up the term for “baby donkey” when he walked behind me a second ago.)

Now they have AFV DVD's for sale in the supermarket checkout line and I cannot resist them. The first one I bought was all about weddings. People passing out left and right, cakes crashing, the whole bit. It was wonderful.

Yesterday I got the "Nincompoops and Boneheads" edition. I haven't watched it yet but I am sure there will be some trees falling through cars and at least one idiot that falls off a ladder into a beehive.

Top 5 types of cuisine (+ worst ever)

1. Mexican
2. American
3. Greek
4. Italian
5. Chinese

Worst: My grandpa always said that he never met a food he didn't like. I have to say that I agree!

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Finally!

New weapon in battle of the bulge. . . .
Reuters - Thu Nov 2, 7:31 AM ET

Size really does count, just ask Australian underwear maker AussieBum which has just launched the "Wonderjock" for men who want to look bigger.

Since the launch seven days ago, AussieBum says it has sold 50,000 pairs of "Wonderjock," mostly on its Web site www.aussiebum.com and a handful of stores around the world.

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down toward the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby.

"There is no padding, rings or strings," said Ashby, a co-founder of the Internet-based AussieBum firm.

Ashby said the idea for the "Wonderjock" was the result of online feedback from customers who expressed an interest in looking bigger, just like women using the "Wonderbra."

"When you go to a department store to buy underwear you usually get a grandmother serving, which is not the ideal way to get feedback," said Ashby. "Our customers give us feedback. We didn't realize that big is better."


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(Just wanted to put a little space between the pictre of the dude's package and the photo of the cookie.)

Cookie crazy!

These cookies are so freakin' good. I have always loved this type of sugar cookie but now they are dipping the bottoms of them in milk chocolate!

I think I invented a new type of diet. Just stare at this picture while you eat something healthy (like a carrot or some ridiculous thing like that). If you think hard enough it just might taste like a cookie.

Note: You may want to have an actual cookie on hand just in case this does not work.

Reoccurring dreams

I have only had two reoccurring dreams in my life.

Dream #1

I am walking in a backyard full of cracked cement and thick vines. In the corner is a broken fountain full of stagnant green water. I see something move inside and I go over to investigate. Suddenly I am in the fountain and a giant water snake is swimming around me. I swim away in slow motion and wake up right before I get bit.

Dream #2

I am in college and I wake up to discover that I have to take a final exam for a class I have never attended. It is too late to drop the class and I panic.

Interpretations anyone?

Best Jobs/Worst Jobs

As I sit here thinking about my boss being a bastard I can't help but reflect on jobs I have held in the past. Many were bland and forgetful but the positions on the following list stood out for various reasons.

Best Jobs I've Worked:

Winery Tour Guide (Domain Chandon)
I got to drink champagne on the job.
I got free gourmet appetizers and caviar.

Video Game Tester (Sony PlayStation)
Got to play video games all day long.
The break room had a kitchen and a foosball table.

Tech Support/Sales (Apple Computer)
Got two free iPods, Apple discounts, and a bunch of free software.
No commission (no pressure to sell things that people didn't need).

Worst Jobs I've Worked:

Roofer (General Contractor)
Had to start work at 4 in the morning.
Had to lug 50 pound bags around a scorching hot, slanted rooftop.

Maintenance Assistant (JV Warehouse)
Had to mow a huge field full of 3 foot tall grass (with a push mower).
Had to paint bathrooms (while they were in use).

Substitute Teacher (San Diego City Schools)
Do I really even have to explain this one?

Top 5 TV theme songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Knight Rider Theme Song"
2. "Mister Ed Theme Song"
3. "Mission Impossible Theme Song"
4. "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" (Cheers theme song)
5. "M.A.S.K. Theme Song"

Worst: "Suicide is Painless" (M*A*S*H theme song)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Something gross for Halloween

Truck spills 2 tons of pig heads on road
Associated Press - Tue Oct 31, 9:57 AM ET

A truck spilled two tons of pigs' heads on a road in western Germany, giving passing drivers a shock on the night before Halloween, police said Tuesday.

The accident happened Monday night after the truck turned off a highway in Herne, in the Ruhr region, police in Bochum said.

As the driver accelerated away from a traffic light, the door of his trailer opened, spilling the severed heads onto the road.

It took the fire service, helped by a fork-lift truck, an hour-and-a-half to load the heads back onto the truck.

My boss is a bastard

I am supposed to plan this year's Christmas party for my work. We have 83 employees and my boss does not want to spend more than $200 for the entire event. This works out to approximately $2.41 for each employee ($1.20 each if they bring a guest).

His master plan:

1. No alcohol
2. No food (unless you bring your own or pay for catering).
3. The "party" will take place at the office.
4. We should play Twister.

I should also mention that he is not planning on giving out any Christmas bonuses. Everyone is looking to me to provide a great party and I can't wait to see how it all turns out!

Keg surfing

I invented a sport!

Real names of celebrities

Alex Trebek - Giorgi Suka-Alex Trebek
Hulk Hogan - Terry Gene Bollea
Jamie Foxx - Eric Marlon Bishop
Jay-Z - Shawn Corey Carter
Johnny Knoxville - Phillip John Clapp
Kirk Douglas - Issur Danielovitch Demsky
Marilyn Manson - Brian Hugh Warner
Shania Twain - Eileen Regina Edwards
Vanilla Ice - Robert Van Winkle
Whoopi Goldberg - Caryn Elaine Johnson

The art of procrastination

When I woke up this morning our apartment was a mess. So I did what any reasonable person would do - I took pictures of everything that needed to be cleaned up and made a collage.

I joined the dark side

I got this crazy Darth Vader costume for a Haloween party last night. It was basically a black unitard with a cape.

I got too hot in the mask so I ended up walking around looking like a deranged balarina.

Little known fact: Darth Vader used the dark side to rule the universe but few realize that it was drinking Coors that gave him the ability to choke people with his mind.

A urinal saved my life

A.L.O.N.D.S.G.T.I.T.W.B.C.B.W.A.K.O.B.

A list of Nintendo DS games that I thought would be cool but were actually kind of boring.

Advance Wars: Dual Strike
Bust-A-Move DS
Clubhouse Games
Golden Nugget Casino DS
Monopoly/Boggle/Yahtzee/Battleship
Nintendogs: Dachshund & Friends
Tetris DS
True Swing Golf
World Championship Poker: Deluxe Series

Beck's new album

Click the image to enlarge

I got Beck's new album The Information yesterday. I haven't had time to really listen to it yet but I have to say that I am very impressed with the packaging. Each CD comes with a blank cover and dozens of stickers. The idea is for everyone to create their own unique album art. It is really neat because there are a bunch of different sticker packs and you never know which one you will get when you buy your CD. You also get a DVD with music videos for each song.

I think this is a brilliant idea and a possible solution to the "problem" of people downloading free music. If every new album came with extras like these I just may start buying music again.

I should mention that I stole it. Don't worry though, I jacked it from that Starbucks I was ranting about earlier. You know, some might say that charging $4 for a cup of coffee is actually a form of theft. . . .

Daylight Saving Time ends this weekend

Nooooooo! Get ready to roll back your clock this Saturday night (the official time change is 2am Sunday, October 30th).

Do we get to vote on this? I can't stand it when the sun goes down at 5:30 in the afternoon! It just isn’t right. I have yet to find anyone who disagrees with me on this issue (except for a few of the drones at my work), so why the hell aren't we on permanent DST?

Red Guinness?

Less than 45 minutes ago Guinness announced that they have started making "Guinness Red." They are going to test it out in British pubs before releasing it to the rest of the world. I love Guinness but hate red beers so this should be interesting.

I should also note that I read this on the Reuters news wire (I do not habitually check the Guinness website to see what they are up to).

It’s the most wonderful drink of the year

We are fast approaching that magical time when chickens and cows put aside their differences and join together with the common goal of producing the most delightful holiday beverage. I am talking of course about that enchanting elixir known as eggnog. Eggnog milkshakes, eggnog lattes, eggnog with rum - ho, ho, ho, I'm getting excited!

I wonder why they don’t make it year-round. Eggs are available 24/7 so I have to assume that the nog can only be harvested in winter. . . .

Airsoft

Check yo self!

I am obsessed with airsoft as of late. Ted introduced me to it by shooting me in the back like a gazelle and I have been addicted ever since. I have two guns so if anyone out there wants to take me on. . . .

Top 5 TV shows (+ worst ever)

1. The Office
2. The Soup
3. Pro Football
4. Lost
5. America's Funniest Home Videos

Worst: Cheaters

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Comic strips are soooo funny!

Comic strips are so funny. I can't imagine how anyone could think they aren't. I mean, look at this one for example. If you aren't falling on the ground crying with laughter after you read this there must be something wrong with you.



Disclaimer: The above comments are purley sarcastic and in no way reflect my actual views. In reality I think that comic strips are a stain on our society and should be abolished through a series of ritualistic comic strip burning ceremonies.

Top 5 non-fiction books (+ worst ever)

1. No Logo by Naomi Klein
2. A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn
3. Homage to Catalonia by George Orwell
4. The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
5. Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser

Worst: Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Guniess world records

I was checking out the Guinness world records website this morning and saw some crazy stuff. Among the records were: "Most Rattlesnakes Sat in a Bathtub With" (75) and "Heaviest Car Balanced on the Head" (352 pounds). I love that the record is not “A Human Balancing a Car On Their Head” but the heaviest car balanced on the head. How do you go about testing your “car on head” weight tolerance anyway?

My personal favorite is the record for "Oldest Male Stripper" (if only for the picture). His name is Bernie Barker and he is 63 years young. So now I know that if Social Security isn't around when I get old I can always fall back on strippin’. . . .

No disco dancing in Disneyland

These signs are posted all over the park:

The Original El Niño

So here it is, the original recipe and instructions on how to make an El Niño margarita from Chili's. They recently changed their drinks and what used to be the best cocktail you could buy at a restaurant (based on flavor and strength) is now a sour-sweet shell of its former self.

This information was smuggled out of the Chili's archives by a former employee. I will not release the name of this defector as I fear for her safety. . . .

Magic eye picture

If you stare at this long enough you can see dolphins in 3D.

Good luck suckas. . . .

One of my favorite news articles

Boy gets trapped inside vending machine
Associated Press - May 20, 2005

A 3-year-old boy upset that his mother wouldn't let him use a crane vending machine to try to win a small stuffed animal took matters in his own hands. He climbed up the chute to get the prize himself.

Danielle Manges said she took her eyes off her son, James, for a moment to pick up a juice bottle he threw. When she looked up, he was in with the plush toys.

"I bent over to clean it and within two seconds he had climbed through the hole, into the chute and pushed the door shut so we couldn't get him out," she said. "He climbed up in the toys and was in there for a good hour."

Manges said James has been sick and sleeping odd hours so they went shopping about 3 a.m. Thursday at a Wal-Mart in the city some 15 miles east of South Bend. She let the boy play on some of the rides, but wouldn't give him money for the vending machine.

At first, Manges thought it was funny.

"He was playing with all the toys and hanging from the bar like a monkey," she said.

Manges said people leaving the store went back inside to buy disposable cameras to take photos of her son. She bought one herself.

She became upset, however, when Wal-Mart employees said they did not have a key to let James out. So Manges called the fire department for help.

"I expected his hand to be caught in the machine but it was his entire body in the machine," firefighter Anthony Coleman said. "He was swinging from a bar, jumping around. He was having a ball."

About 40 people watched as the firefighters removed the back of the machine and freed him.

James still came up empty handed.

"He definitely didn't get a toy after that," Manges said.