Mediocre!

I just got a digital subscription to OK! magazine. Never has a publication's title so accurately described its worth. Although I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I read the mag, I challenge anyone to find a description of John Mayer's misshapen penis in "respected" publications like the New York Times. Here's an example from last week's OK!:

Since they split in February, Katy Perry has been verbally cutting down her ex-lover John Mayer to friends. "She's letting rip on everything . . . even the size of his manhood. She says it's 'a funny shape' and like nothing she's ever seen before," spills an insider.



I have so many followup questions. What shape is John Mayer's penis? Zigzagged? Triangular? Also, just how many dongs has Katy Perry actually seen?

[same title as my post on April 8th]

Check out this ad I found in the back of my Popular Science magazine (I added the phallic red arrow). Isn't this treatment just trading one problem for another?

Landlords are out of control!

German landlord tries to collect rent with chainsaw
Reuters (article excerpt) - April 2, 2014

BERLIN - A landlord demanding rent threatened tenants and German police with a whirring chainsaw, a police spokesman said on Wednesday.

The frightened tenants called police to the scene, and the 45-year-old man eventually dropped the chainsaw when the officers showed their guns.

Harder than it looks

Artist Alasdair Thomson sculpted these dresses from solid masses of marble.

A duck friend would be great!

Hangin' out with my son, I've been watching this music video on the regular. It has a sweet hook and I completely agree with the message.

Over 12 billion served

April Fools!

Just in case you didn't figure it out, my last post was a joke. There is no way I am taking this blog down, especially after all the stunning endorsements I received (see the "comments" section of my last post).

I am not sure exactly how many people check this blog every day, but if I had to guess I would say that the number is approximately 12,334,843,229. That means that I fooled over TWELVE BILLION PEOPLE on April Fools Day this year! That has got to be some kind of record.

This is the end

Inspired by the creator of Flappy Bird, I have decided to permanently delete this blog from the internet. I can call More Rants than Raves is a success of mine. But it also ruins my simple life. So now I hate it. I am sorry More Rants than Raves users, 22 hours from now, I will take More Rants than Raves down. I cannot take this anymore.

Hollywood is disgusting

Well it looks like celebrity hobo James Franco was able to beg enough money off the general public to fund his movie Palo Alto. At least the film is helping some young upstarts break into the movie biz.

Palo Alto was directed by Gia Coppola (Francis Ford Coppola's granddaughter), and stars Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts's niece), Christian Madsen (Michael Madsen's son), and Jack Kilmer (Val Kilmer's son). 

Note to realtors

Do not get your signs made by shops specializing in "missing person" ads.

Look again

Body painting by Johannes Stoetter.

Stay in school!!!

This is the craziest public service announcement ever.

You heard it here first

Catherine Heigl is a poor man's Charlize Theron.

Zac Efron is a poor man's Jared Leto.

I know it's harsh, but you know it's true.

Ah to be two again. . . .

Yesterday I rewarded my son with a cookie for taking an afternoon nap. That dude is livn' the high life.

Call me Crazy Overlord

I just read that Donald Glover (of Community fame) got his rap moniker "Childish Gambino" by typing his real name into something called the Wu-Tang Name Generator. Go check it out and see what your rap name would be. From this day forward I will be known as "Crazy Overlord."

P.S. I tweeted Donald Glover telling him to title his next album "Mad Lover" because it is the name that the generator creates when you enter "Childish Gambino." Let's see if he takes my advice.

What the . . .?

I was subbing at a middle school yesterday and noticed some very disturbing class projects hanging on the wall.



At first I was alarmed. Was this some kind of Aryan sleeper cell? Then I realized that there weren’t any white kids in the class. After thinking about it for a while I realized that the 7th grade girl who created the project pictured above must have just wanted to decorate her assignment to make it “cute” (party=balloons, right?). Either way the whole thing is pretty disturbing.

Baller!

Man’s attempt to pay Applebee’s check with $1 trillion bill doesn’t work
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - February 24, 2014

On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined. As The State writes, it’s what he did next that got him into trouble.

Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill. WIS Channel 10 reports that police were called to the scene, but that they didn’t arrest him for the fake currency. Rather, our would-be trillionaire friend was arrested on an, “unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court.” He was sentenced to probation and owes the court $262 in fees.

Hungarian hobo hero

Homeless man wins $2.8 million on lottery and vows to help addicts and abused women
Metro UK - February 16, 2014

László Andraschek won Hungary’s biggest ever lottery jackpot – 630million Hungarian forint – after buying a ticket at a railway station on his way to Budapest for a workshop for recovering alcoholics.

‘I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,’ he said. ‘I told her to make it 24 – it doesn’t matter anyway.’

The first thing married Mr Andraschek did after realising his life had changed forever was to repay debts to his family – and buy a car for his three children.

‘When the car salesman asked me how much I would be willing to spend I held up three fingers,’ the 55-year-old, from Győr, north-west Hungary, said.

‘As I had arrived on a bike he assumed this meant 300,000 forints, but actually I meant 3million.’

He and his wife Anikó said they would spend the money wisely.

‘I have become rich but I have not become a different person,’ he said.

A large portion of the cash will be used to set up a foundation for addicts and women abused by their husbands.

Mr Andraschek has already proven his generosity as the win last September remained a secret until he made a sizeable donation to a hostel for the homeless this month.

The 55-year-old gave up drinking five years ago and insists he now has ‘no need to return’.

Mad skillz (with a "z" and everything!)

I realize that the image below is a blown-out pixelated mess. I also realize that unless you play Call of Duty: Ghosts multiplayer, you probably won't care about this scorecard. That being said, a 32/3 kill to death ratio is just too awesome not to blog about. Pigbutt McGee for the win!

Movin' right along

Nut jobs

It seems like every time I leave my house I run into at least one certified nut job. Here are two recent examples (with some super clever titles that I came up with).

Lighten up
I met a lady while in line for free chocolate chip pancakes who was really upset about balloons. She recalled a trip that she took fifteen years ago with her son to Disneyland. Apparently her son begged her for a balloon and she gave in - a decision that she regrets to this day. She claims to have memories of that "damn balloon" floating around her house for weeks afterward. Weeks. This statement obviously left me questioning her understanding of the physical sciences, but I didn't dare say anything for fear of extending the conversation.

The lady then launched into a rant about an impending helium shortage, which she blames on all the "stupid kid's balloons." She concluded her argument by saying that no child should ever be allowed to have a balloon, and that all balloons should be illegal.

The other b word
I was playing at the park with my son when some kids approached us and wanted to play. We invited them to join and continued making pretend food with sand and leaves. In a moment of inspiration I tore up some pieces of cardboard from my coffee sleeve and pretended it was bacon. The kids asked if they could have some, and I happily complied (reminding them not to actually eat it).

A few minutes later the mother of one of the boys we were playing with approached me. She was clearly agitated and wanted to know who gave her son the "bacon." She said that they were vegan, and that up until now her son didn't even know the word "bacon." I told her not to worry because technically cardboard is vegan. She was not amused.

Appeteasers

Since I'm getting a new Kindle, I've decided to clean house and get rid of a bunch of my old apps. All of these games were great, but my high scores got erased and I'm not going to play them again. If you want to know the name of any app, post a comment describing the icon and I'll respond with the title.

Worth a thousand words

I just got a new Kindle Fire HDX 7" (64 GB) and I am super excited! My wife got me a 1st gen Fire for my birthday a couple years ago and I have used it every day since. I'm usually a diehard Apple fan but Amazon has won me over with their awesome device and outstanding customer service. (I am not getting paid to advertise for Amazon, I just really like the product!)

This morning I was browsing the daily book deals to stock up on content for my new Kindle and I stumbled across a rare gem. The book is entitled STEAMPUNK BOY AND THE FUTURE FLUX DEVICE, by June Colbert. If the story is anywhere near as awesome as the cover it will be an instant classic. Here is the actual book cover as seen on Amazon:

I love the plastic pipe curtain rod in the background. When I was looking up information for this post I came across another book by the same author which also looks interesting. It is entitled, FANGFACE: THE WHEELCHAIR WEREWOLF. You can't make this stuff up.

I told the truth!

After posting the bacon commercial I got to thinking about other awesome TV ads from my childhood. This is one of the best.



I hope that in the future some kid breaks my window with a ball so we can engage in an awesome operatic sing-off like this.

Fun fact #234,743

I heard a radio interview with Steve Harvey this morning in which he revealed that he calls his penis, "Russell the Love Muscle."



You're welcome, readers.

Where everyone knows everyone else’s name

I've always wanted the small town experience of walking into a place and having the proprietors know me. I have tried to establish a friendly rapport with store owners in the past, but it never seems to stick. Lately I have been having the opposite experience.

When I visit my local Starbucks it seems like the baristas know everyone’s name but mine. “Hey Matthew! How’s the wife and kids!? You want your usual triple shot soy mocha with two pumps and no whip, right?” Then I arrive at the counter and they’re like, “who the F*CK are you?!”

Okay that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. . . .

Thanks Wells Fargo!

Super Bowl Ex El Vee Eye Eye Eye

Do you love watching football, but hate the Superbowl? The ABC Family Channel has you covered. For some inexplicable reason the programming geniuses at ABC decided to run the movie We Are Marshall at the same time as Super Bowl XLVIII.

I know that it's tough to compete with one of the most watched television events in the world, but these guys aren't even trying. They must be hedging their bets on people too drunk to realize that the game is on another channel.

It's bacon!

Bored at work? Try The Oracle of Bacon. Simply type the name of any actor and the site will tell tell you how many "degrees of separation" they are from Kevin Bacon.

Also, check out this commercial from my childhood. It's a classic.

Your move, Australia

If you have been following this blog for a while you know that I am a bit obsessed by how badass Australians are (click here, here, or here for reference). I am excited to report that New Zealanders have officially thrown their hat into the ring to compete for "most badass citizens."

Doctor fights shark, stitches own leg wound
United Press International - January 28th, 2014

A New Zealand doctor said he stitched up his own leg wounds after being attacked by a shark while fishing on the southern coast.

James Grant, 24, said he was spear fishing Saturday near Colac Bay when he was attacked by a creature he believes to have been a sevengill shark, the BBC reported Tuesday.

"I had just gotten into the water, killed a fish and something latched onto my leg," Grant said.

"I thought it might have been one of my diving buddies, turned around ... big shark had latched on."

Grant told stuff.co.nz he used his diving knife to fight the shark.

"I sort of just fought the shark off. The shark got a few stabs. The knife wasn't long enough though," he said.

The junior doctor said he swam back to shore and stitched up his own wounds using a first aid kit.

Grant said his friends took him for a drink at a pub before continuing on to Southland Hospital.

"I am pretty grateful to have my leg still," he said.

Your move, Australia!

A sign from God

This artist is blowin' up!

Artist Brett Kern makes ceramic sculptures that look like inflatable toys. These pieces are so fun!

Greeting Card 2.0

I saw this card in my local supermarket and had to stop and check it out. After close inspection I confirmed that it is just a regular greeting card with a plastic hologram on the front. I guess someone in the marketing department got a little too excited.

I came up with a few captions for the image and have included them below.

I couldn't afford that iPad you wanted, but. . . .

These cards seem to be flying off the shelves!
(Get it? Because of the 3D! Ha!)

Would you like to purchase our product protection warranty plan with the card today?

Great, now I'm going to have to upgrade all my stationary.

Flux capacitor not required

Artist Chino Otsuka digitally splices her adult self into old photographs from her childhood. I love this idea.

Noooooooooo

Less than one week after the microwave incident, my two-year-old struck again. This time he decided to see what happens when you drop your dad's cell phone into his cup of coffee. Turns out it is pretty similar to what happens when you explode the microwave. You get in trouble, and then you get to go out with your parents to buy new stuff!

We went out to get a new phone and I got the crappiest one I could find. To call this phone "basic" would be a complement (its features include "keypad" and "wall charger"). I would like to get a fancy iPhone eventually, but for now I'm hunkering down until my son's war on electronics comes to an end.

Most valuable autographs

You know you've got it made when you can mint money by simply scribbling on a piece of paper. Check out this list of the most valuable autographs of people alive today.

#10 Madonna – $1,640

#9 Ringo Starr – $1,980

#8 JK Rowling – $2,060

#7 Muhammad Ali – $2,470

#6 The Queen of England – $2,470

#5 Tiger Woods – $2,880

#4 Bob Dylan – $3,210

#3 Paul McCartney – $3,300

#2 Prince William – $3,300

#1 Fidel Castro – $5,770

Source: Metro UK

How to destroy your microwave in three easy steps

(As demonstrated by my two-year-old son.)

Step 1: Wait for your dad to turn his back (for one second).
Step 2: Locate a football and put it in the microwave.
Step 3: Press the “quick-start” button and wait for an incredibly loud explosion.

Congratulations, you destroyed your microwave! Now throw the smoking remains into into the nearest dumpster and go buy a new one.

Like clockwork

So far I have posted every day in 2014! Only 360 days left!

P.S. There's no way I'm going to be able to post once a day for the entire year so don't get too excited.

The treachery of images

This is a digital photo of a digital photo of a printed poster that I saw last week at the doctor's office. I didn't have my camera on me when I saw the poster so I took a photo with my phone. My cell phone is so old school that it cannot transfer images to my computer, so I had to take a photo of my cell phone with the image on the screen and then import that image to my computer from my camera.

Anyway, can you believe that Kaiser is advertising this woman's lap as the new "hot spot?!"

Niche advertising

If you happen to have been walking down a particular beach yesterday between the minutes of 5:41 p.m. and 5:42 p.m., you might have come across this creative endorsement.

For shame!

I know this is old news, but it still drives me crazy. Check out how much these celebrity hobos begged off of the general public to fund their pet projects.

James Franco
Got $327,929 on Indiegogo
Has $20 million

Zach Braff
Got $3,105,473 on Kickstarter
Has $22 million

Spike Lee
Got $1,418,910 on Kickstarter
Has $40 million

Wealth estimates found on celebritynetworth.com

Happy twenty fourteen!

Happy 2014 everybody! 2013 was a banner year for More Rants than Raves, posting in triple digits for the second time in this blog's history. Thank you to all of my loyal readers. I wish you all health, wealth, and happiness in the new year!

Laugh in the new year

I read some funny books this year and thought I would pass along some recommendations.

Happy Boxing Day!

I recently discovered that "Boxing Day" is not, as I once thought, a day for people to take out their holiday frustrations by beating the hell out of each other. According to Wikipedia (a site featured in many a former door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen's suicide note), "Boxing Day is traditionally the day following Christmas Day, when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts, known as a 'Christmas box', from their bosses or employers."

So if you have servants, get them something nice. If you are a servant, rise up and kill your master already! (See the movie Django Unchained or the intro on Nas's album It Was Written for reference/inspiration.)

Top 5 reindeer (+ worst ever)

1. Rudolph
2. Blitzen
3. Dasher
4. Antonio
5. Comet

Worst: Donner (Is this even a contest?!)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Don’t ask, do tell!

I found a bug while playing Call of Duty: Ghosts. In the middle of a mission, two of my fellow squad mates stopped to embrace each other. I tried to move on ahead but they refused to follow. They just stood there holding each other. I’m not sure if they were paralyzed by the horrors of war, or if they were just really into each other. All I know is that I could not advance without my team, and my team was too busy snuggling to follow me into battle.

An underlining problem

You know how sometimes when you're half-asleep you have an idea that you think is brilliant, but the next day you wonder what the hell you were thinking? Well, a couple of nights ago I was lying in bed and I thought:

What if I wrote a blog post about how nobody underlines anything for emphasis on the internet because underlining is now a universal signifier for a hyperlink? That's what I'll do! I'll make a post with a bunch of random words underlined to emphasize how underlined words are now only seen as links. Then maybe I'll sneak in a real link so people will have to scroll over every word with their mouse to see if there is a secret link in my blog post. Wow, this is a super-great idea. I should come up with all my blog posts at four in the morning!

PC Load Letter?!

My printer is out of ink.

What's interesting about the above statement is that no matter when you are reading it, whether it's the day I posted it or any other day in the future, the statement will be true. This is because MY PRINTER IS ALWAYS OUT OF INK.

Even though I print black and white documents 90% of the time, the colored ink consistently runs out. The printer has TWO individual cartridges of black ink, but still requires colored ink to print black and white documents. What kind of scam are these printer companies trying to pull?! Also, when did my computer become such an art snob? "Magenta?" Where I come from it's called purple.

Another compelling fact is that while every other type of technology is getting cheaper, the cost of printer ink seems to be steadily on the rise. I predict that in the future, when physical copies of a document are needed, it will be more cost-effective to just hand out a stack of laptops.

Passive-aggressive masterpiece

Builders cement car to pavement after driver refuses to move it
Metro UK - December 13, 2013

A disagreement got slightly out of hand when builders cemented a car to the pavement.

The argument came about when the car dealer refused to move a parked VW Caddy from the pavement in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.

Mark Drummond, who is not the owner but was responsible for selling the car on, said the pavement had been used to display vehicles for more than 20 years.

Local media reports it is not technically illegal to park here as it is a public space, but construction workers were unable to complete maintenance on the pavement because of the parked car.

They asked Mr Drummond to remove it but he refused, so then they cemented it to the pavement.

Celso Antonio de Faria, the owner of the cement company said: ‘He said I could not lay a finger on the car.’

The Brazilian transport department sent a towing company to remove the car following a number of complaints from locals but found the car fixed to the ground.

Unvention

I hope you enjoyed the samples of my comedy writing! Here's a bonus one that I wrote in 2010 but never put on my site.

I'm always interested in new inventions. The other day I heard about this new "green" toilet paper. No, it's not actually green - that would be gross. This new toilet paper comes without a cardboard tube inside of it (which saves paper, so that future generations can wipe their asses).

At first I thought this was a great idea. What an invention! Why didn't I think of that? Then I started to think about it for a while and I realized it wasn't so much of an invention as an unvention. I mean, someone in history came up with the great idea of putting paper on a roll. I don't know what people were doing before this, and I don't want to know. The point is that somebody had the idea. This other person, the one who "invented" tube-free toilet paper, they must have the sweetest job ever. I can just imagine sitting around the office, brainstorming new unventions.

Me: "You know how everybody has windows in their houses these days?"

Boss: "Uh, yeah."

Me: "What if we made new windows that didn't use any glass? These "windowless window frames" would be great for the environment (since they would save lots of glass), and they would never have to be cleaned!"

Boss: "Ryan, you're a goddamn genius!"

Almost almost famous

Guess how many calls I've received so far by people asking me to write for their sitcom? Zero. I know - I can't believe it either. I mean, I've only been writing comedy bits for three weeks, but I have been working hard. I don't know why I am not famous yet, but I know it isn't my fault. In fact, I've done the math and concluded that whenever I have a problem, it is 100% someone else's fault, 100% of the time. You can't argue with mathematical statistics (I've double-checked my work and everything). If these stats aren't correct then that's probably some else's fault too.

Anyway, back to me. I guess I need to decide what type of comedian I want to be. I don't think I want to be like Carrot Top. Everybody makes fun of him and honestly, he scares the shit out of me. Kathy Griffin has the "Life on the D-List" market covered. Maybe I should set my sights even lower. Maybe I should shoot for the "Z-List." I could shout jokes from a street corner, playing to the "stray cat and occasional hobo" demographic.

Either way I guess I'll have to stay in the game for at least a little longer. They say that Rome wasn't built in a day but honestly, how long did it take? I'm hoping not longer than a couple of months.

Troubling signs

I don't understand the signs posted on freeway overpasses that show the clearance height to oncoming truckers. You know the ones that say, "Truck 14 Feet?" I can just imagine a trucker humming along at 70 miles per hour, looking up to see a sign telling him that his semi is too tall for the overpass he's about to go under. What his option at this point? It's like they're giving the truckers just enough time to duck and pray.

I'm amused by signs that say, "For Sale By Owner." Isn't it implied that whoever's selling the item is the owner? What's the alternative to this - "For Sale By Shady Roommate?"

I took a CPR class and learned that when you're choking you're supposed to put your hands up to your throat. This "international choking sign" is supposed to indicate that you need the Heimlich maneuver. I also learned that when you perform the Heimlich on someone, you'll most likely break their ribs. This all makes me very nervous. People naturally put their hands to their throat whenever they're having trouble swallowing, even if they aren't in a life-or-death situation. I think that there should be an additional sign that a person can use if they are really in danger of choking - like a "twig snapping" motion followed by a "thumbs up." That way I can jump right in and start crackin' their ribs like a dump truck running over a pile of walnuts (while saving their life, of course).

Problems

I have a problem with people using the phrase "we're like family" to describe anyone who is not in their actual family. I understand that some people were adopted or raised by people that are not blood relatives. What I don't understand is when people use this phrase to describe anyone who has been in their immediate vicinity for more than 20 minutes. Example: "Everyone in my Learning Annex class is so cool. We're like one big family." Whenever I hear something like this I want to say, "Great! Who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year?"

I also have a problem with people that walk around telling everyone how "blessed" they are. People say this about everything and it's getting out of hand. Example: "I never get sick. What can I say, I guess I'm just blessed." I think that suggesting that God chose you to bless more than other people is kind of a dick move.

My final problem (not in life, just for the purposes of this bit) is with what I have termed "extreme complementing." I blame reality TV show judges for starting this epidemic, which has now leaked into mainstream culture. Example: "You are amazing, wonderful, incredible, and one thousand and one percent insanely awesome!" You know another way to complement someone? By using any one of the terms listed above.*

*Except for the "thousand and one percent" thing - that doesn't make any damn sense at all.

I can't quit you, Facebook

I tried to breakup with my Facebook account the other day - have you tried this? The company is a master of manipulation. For those of you who haven't had this experience, I'll walk you through the process.

The first step I took was to remove all personal information from my profile. Bad move. As soon as I clicked "save changes," Facebook went into homewrecker mode. It promptly sent out a notice to everyone I knew, telling them that my "relationship status" had changed. This came as a surprise to me (and an even bigger surprise to my wife).

The next step I took was to try and deactivate my account. Apparently this action prompts Facebook to run its guilt protocol. Facebook told me that if I deactivate my account, "none of my friends will be able to keep in touch with me." Facebook then tried to appeal to my humanity, bombarding me with photos of my friends and family. Each photo had a caption telling me how much the person would miss me when I'm gone. "Jim will miss you." "Kelly will miss you." "You're turning your back on your own brother, you bastard." Okay, I may have made the last one up but you get the idea.

The final stage in this emotionally draining and dramatic process was to choose from a list of reasons explaining why I was closing my account. The very first option was, "I don't understand how to use Facebook." That's right, when all else failed Facebook resorted to using childish insults. It might as well have said, "What's the matter dummy? Everyone else seems to have figured it out."

Ultimately, I caved and kept my account. I know I'm being emotionally abused but what can I say? I can't quit you, Facebook.

I'm telling you for the second time

In the sprit of the approaching new year I have decided to post some of my comedy writing on this blog. I initially wrote these comedic gems for bitsofcomedy.com. While I still plan to maintain that site in a different capacity, I want to post some of my older material before coming up with new stuff in the upcoming year. Kind of like what Seinfeld did in '98 when he threw away all his existing material and started over from scratch. Except that I'm not a famous comedian, I haven't spent years honing my craft, and I definitely plan on using this material again.

Enjoy!

Sprite to the rescue!

Researchers in China have determined that Sprite soda is the single best way to cure a hangover. The study tested 57 beverages and found that the ingredients in Sprite work the best at breaking down acetaldehyde, a harsh byproduct of alcohol that ends up lingering in your system after a night of heavy drinking.


Now all that’s left is to get real drunk and try it out! Leave a comment with the results of your own super-scientific Sprite hangover experiment.*

*Do not conduct this experiment if you're a minor (even with a kick-ass mustache), are pregnant (congrats!), have a severe Sprite allergy (what?), are missing a liver (again, what?), or are one of those mean drunks who can't handle their shit (you know who I'm talking about).

The stupid ones

I know that I've been ranting a lot about TV and movies lately, but in my defense there's a lot to rant about. Before I move on to other topics, I wanted to leave you with this image from The Crazy Ones. In an ad for the show, the cast dances in sync with one of those inflatable stick-guy things. I tried to get a video clip but apparently The Smithsonian confiscated the ad for use in an exhibit titled, "The Collapse of Western Civilization."

Let It Snow

December is here again and you know what that means. A barrage of craptastic made-for-TV holiday movies, brought to you by The Hallmark Channel. It is becoming a tradition in my family to watch at least one of these disasters every year. The latest one I saw was called Let it Snow.

It stars Candace Cameron Bure of Full House fame, and Alan Thicke of my son is a sleazy perv fame. The set looks like a Hallmark store threw up all over the inside of a log cabin, and the characters ask each other soul-searching questions such as, "do you believe in Christmas?"

. . . .

For the first time in the history of this blog, I'm speechless.

Radio rant

I'll keep this short and sweet* since I've already ranted about two individual stations (NPR and KROQ). Does anyone else think it's ridiculous that radio stations are constantly interrupting their programming to brag about playing blocks of uninterrupted music? Last week I heard the following statement between songs: "You are in the middle of another non-stop music block, brought to you by McDonald's." Who are they trying to fool?

*Or "short and bitter," more appropriately. Ha!

'Tis the season

Two must-have drinks for the holidays!

Found photos

Artist Jon Rafman scours Google Maps to find incredible photos taken by Google Street View cameras. Check out his work at 9-eyes.com.









I wanted to post more photos, but you really have to view them at full-scale to see the detail. The collection is mesmerizing, ranging from beautiful to downright alarming.

Still got it

Been playing Call of Duty: Ghosts online whenever I can. Good to know that even though I can't play much, I've still got some game.

Breaking news

While looking up information for my last blog post, I came across the following "breaking news" on CNN.

Kim Kardashian's bathing suit selfie
Kim Kardashian posts a bathing suit photo of herself on Instagram

The headline was linked to a video wherein broadcasters engage in an in-depth discussion of the photograph. Stay classy, CNN.

A generous fairy

There has been nothing on TV lately. Things have gotten so bad that I recently watched the first few minutes of The Tooth Fairy starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Trust me when I say that a few minutes were more than enough.

The reason I mention the movie (aside from giving me an excuse to post this awesome photo), is that it reminded me of a poll I just read about. CNN reports that American children are currently receiving an average of $3.70 per lost tooth!

Are you kidding me?! When I was a kid I was stoked if I got a half-dollar coin (and I'm not that old).

Top 5 comic book series (+ worst ever)

1. The Sixth Gun
2. Love and Capes
3. Hawkeye (2012-)
4. Invincible
5. Aquaman (New 52)

Worst: There are way too many bad comic books to pick just one.

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!