Bud Light Mixx Tail Firewalker Premium Red Hot Cinnamon Apple Cocktail

RATING: 1/5



I know this isn't technically a beer, but it's sold under the Bud Light label so I thought I'd give it a try. Did I think that this abomination would taste good? No. But I taste tested it anyway, just for you.

The smell of this monstrosity alone is enough to send any sane person running for the hills. I imagine this concoction is made by filling a homeless man's filthy sleeping bag with spiced vinegar, letting it steep, and then wringing the bag out over a vat of tepid of Bud Light.

Hints of crisp apple, sour grape, and dirty hobo ballsack.

Lagunitas Brewing Company Hop Stoopid Ale

RATING: 5/5



This beer has everything I'm looking for in an IPA. A strong hoppy flavor with a crisp slightly citrus aftertaste. Not sweet, not too tart. This stuff is so easy to drink it's dangerous.

And as if that wasn't enough, it's available in most supermarkets, it's not too expensive, and since I grew up in the local area it was produced, there's a good chance I partied in the barn pictured on the label.

Coronado Brewing Co. Stingray IPA

RATING: 4/5



I’m conflicted on this one. While I applaud the brewer’s ingenuity, I did feel a little bad drinking beer infused with “real stingray parts.”

Joking aside, this beer is much better than the other Coronado Brewing Co. IPA I reviewed. It has a malty flavor up front and is a bit sweet on the finish. It’s a nice change up from traditionally bitter IPA flavor, but I still prefer a more traditional IPA.

Diselpunk IPA

RATING: 3/5



Too sweet for an IPA. Has a grapefruit aftertaste but not fresh grapefruit, more like chemically engineered grapefruit flavor. I couldn't tell it was 6.9% alcohol, so it gets points for that. The label art looks like a 12 year old nerd boy's wet dream, so it loses points for that.

North Coast Brewing Co. Scrimshaw Pilsner

RATING: 3.5/5



I have to admit that pilsner is not my favorite style, but I found this one pretty refreshing. Sweet but not too sweet on the aftertaste. It has a well balanced flavor and impressed me overall.

I could see this beer pairing well with fried appetizers (cheese sticks, fries, Bloomin' Onion‎), grilled mushrooms and fish.

New Belgium Citradelic Tangerine IPA

RATING: 3/5



An interesting effort, but I’m not that impressed with this outing. It has a decent grassy IPA taste up front, but the finish has a hint of “drinking orange juice after you brushed your teeth” flavor.

Beer that is this expensive should be a special treat. Instead it’s just okay.

Bard's

RATING: 3.5/5



This beer has a pretty mild taste. It seems a little watered down, but I give it major points for being gluten free while managing not to taste like garbage.

I also enjoyed the discussion questions under the caps. For example, my cap asked “Would most ninjas also excel at ballroom dancing?” I'll answer that question with another question: "Would most ballroom dancers also excel at ninjaing?" Discuss amongst yourselves.

Not Your Father's Root Beer

RATING: 2/5



This stuff tastes less like root beer and more like a spicy cream soda/vanilla hybrid with a terrible aftertaste. I really don’t understand the function of these alcoholic “root beers.” If you really don't like the taste of beer, drink wine or a fruity cocktail.

In fact, if you mix 7 Up with Captain Morgan rum you get a drink that tastes just like a cream soda and has a higher alcohol content than these spiked root beer disasters. Try it out–it'll blow your mind!

Best Damn Root Beer

RATING: 1.5/5



This Frankenstein beer/root beer hybrid has an okay start with a terrible artificial sweetener finish. It definitely tastes more like root beer than beer, but it mostly just tastes bad.

The only good thing about this beer is that it made me remember when I was in high school and figured out that I could buy Henry Weinhard's beer by switching the bottles with Henry Weinhard's Root Beer packaging. I'm pretty sure that my excitement was directly inverse to the feelings of whoever ended up buying root beer disguised as beer. Sorry!

Another month of beer!

It's that time of 3 years 1 month again. (Not exactly a tradition, but I'm working on it.)

I'm referring to the time when I post a new beer review every day for a month. Starting tomorrow I will post 1 review per day for 31 days straight!

Click here to review my ratings system. I hope your month is as enjoyable as mine is about to be!

Unbelievable

The sequel to Gabriel García Márquez's classic novel Love in the Time of Cholera looks pretty scandalous.

Best/worst news headlines about Pokémon Go

Woman trying to catch Pokémon in cemetery gets stuck in tree

Couple arrested for trespassing at zoo to find Pokémon

Another body found by 'Pokémon Go' players

Man quits job to hunt Pokémon full time

Men fall off cliff during 'Pokémon Go' walk

Milford man follows Pokémon Go into police custody

Man stabbed, continues playing 'Pokémon Go'

Pokémon Go fans told not to play in U.S. Holocaust Museum

Hot tip

"When reading text-based adventure books on your tablet, be sure to input great character and location names."
–Ballz To Da Wallz (B.T. Da Wallz)

Not a Banksy

My family and I went adventure camping at Kings Canyon National Park last week. I say "adventure camping" because when you camp with two young children it's more like a survival exercise than camping, but it's still a lot of fun. Anyway, while walking down to see the biggest tree in the world, I happened upon some graffiti. I can't figure out what's worse:

1. Someone vandalized a freaking tree.
2. Someone tagged a bible verse on a freaking tree.
3. Someone misspelled the name "John" while tagging a bible verse on a freaking tree.

Pilot plot

Hey everyone! You may have noticed a decrease in blog posts over the last few weeks. The reason is that I'm currently writing a pilot! Here's a sneak peek:


Dear Pilot,

Do you like flying airplanes?

Yours truly,

Ryan Danger Sims


JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!

I'm writing an original comedy pilot for television. That joke is just a small taste of the veritable smorgasbord of funny comedy jokes jam-packed into my pilot. Here's what I got so far (click the image to make it bigger).

Artmedy

Some people might not know that although I'm currently pursuing a career as a comedy writer, I have a background in studio art. I recently came to the conclusion that there is some crossover between my art and comedy. Here are a couple examples:

Food Bank

Commemorative Plates

See my full portfolio at ryandangersims.com/art.

My new driver's license has arrived!

Click here to see the collection I started in 1999.

Go Rambo!

Florida Woman Fights to Keep Her Pet Alligator Who Wears Clothes and 'Rides' ATVs
ABC News (article excerpt) - March 17, 2016

Meet Rambo, a gentle alligator whose Florida owner says he "eats at the dinner table, sleeps in my bed and follows me around like my dogs."

Thorn told ABC News today that she's had a permit to keep the 15-year-old alligator ever since she rescued and brought him home more than seven years ago, when Rambo was just a little over a foot long.

However, the gator has since grown to be over 6 feet long, and a recently added condition for a permit says that gators over 6 feet need to be kept on a property with at least 2.5 acres of land, according to Florida Fish and Wildlife (FWC) spokesman Gary Morse.

Meanwhile, Thorn still has Rambo and is rallying community support for the gator she calls her "second son."

She explained that Rambo is a local celebrity and has been the star of small shows Thorn has put on for a few charities and organizations in her area.

"He is not a normal gator," Thorn said. "He doesn't bite. When I first got him, I trained him to keep [his snout] tight shut whenever people are around, especially children."

The self-proclaimed "gator momma" said she doesn't believe in taking wild alligators from their natural habitat, but because Rambo had come to her under unique conditions, he needs to stay domesticated.

"He's too weak, and if he's put out in the wild or in a place with other gators, they'll kill him," she said. "He's also scared of outdoor noises, and he's just used to being home with me. This is where he's been his whole life and he's attached to me."

Thorn added that Rambo plays with her other dogs at home, goes to the fridge when he's hungry and even watches TV with her on the couch.

Li.st #5

Li.st #3

Li.st #2

Li.st #1

li.st

I just got the li.st app and I'm really enjoying it. I've only been creating lists for about a week and I'm happy to say that almost 50% of them have "trended" and been featured on the li.st website!

My handle is RyanDangerSims, if you'd like to follow me in the app.

Devilish Instagrams

Satan drives a very practical car. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Jun 10, 2015 at 11:49am PDT

Let's see, I'm supposed to tighten the harness and . . . OH MY GOD THAT KID IS GOING TO KILL ME! #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Jun 9, 2015 at 6:54pm PDT

The definitive answer to a philosophical question

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Yes. The tree makes a sound. It's called science, bro. Also, what kind of egomaniac decides that a falling tree doesn't make a sound unless they're around to hear it?!

Happy Earth Day!

Something crazy is going on in the world of children's books

One of the books I read with my kids is Animals in the Jungle (written by Charles Reasoner and illustrated by Sarah Pitt). At the risk of getting sued for copyright infringement I'm going to post the text from this book in its entirety.

**Warning: major spoilers ahead!**

"Lion, monkey, elephant, parrots, toucan, gorilla, giraffe, snake, crocodile, lion."

How is this Charles dude getting credit as a writer?! I imagine the conversation between the publisher and the illustrator as going something like this:

PUBLISHER: "We love your illustrations for the new book, Sarah!"

SARAH: "Thanks. Have you decided on an author yet?"

PUBLISHER: "Um . . . we were thinking you could just write the names of the animals beneath the pictures?"

SARAH: (sobbing) "I'M ILLITERATE!"

Time flies when you're having fun!

I just realized that my wife and I have been together for longer than we lived before becoming a couple! I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog, but I want to say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her very much!

A man and his dog

A guy named Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) recently went on a Twitter rant about his experience while playing the video game Skyrim. I converted his tweets into paragraph form, using ellipses between the tweets to make it easier to read.

worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious

so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog

so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children

and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND

and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker

anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun

and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT

in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool

so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.

although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died

and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU

Which Kardashian are you?

I found a site that automatically calculates which Kardashian you most resemble (based on recent browsing history).

Click here to find out!

Don't say they didn't warn us. . . .

Shoppin' Instagrams

Ran a red light and followed this truck for two miles to get this photo. Totally worth it. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 7, 2015 at 11:02am PST

Buying this at the grocery store. Pretty sure the checker thinks I'm going to murder someone. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 4, 2015 at 10:53am PST

Best of the worst

I recently visited Austin for the first time and it was a lot of fun. I met Jack Black (he was nice). I also went to a movie at an Alamo Draft House. There were lots of crazy posters on the wall of the theatre, but this one had to be the craziest.



The poster got me thinking about my favorite best worst movies. If you haven't had the pleasure of watching Popstar (the 2005 movie featuring Aaron Carter) and Trapped in the Closet Chapters 1–12*, do yourself a favor and check them out ASAP.



*Stop after chapter 12, the rest are just absurd. Also, from what I've read R. Kelly seems like a terrible person so try to watch Trapped in the Closet without sending any money his way.

Printer ink rant

I went to the store to get a new ink cartridge the other day and was reminded how insane the prices are.



I did the math and this printer ink comes out to $60 per ounce, or $7,680 per gallon!

That's THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED times the price of gas!

For the price of one ounce of printer ink you could buy a four ounce bar of silver!

If you filled up five gallon-sized milk containers with printer ink, you could trade them for a brand new Mercedes-Benz C-Class Sedan!

What is going on here?! Unless the ink is being made with bald eagle blood, I'm pretty sure we're all getting scammed.

More vibey

A woman on Imugr named Lindsay Stamhuis texts her husband all the crazy things he says in his sleep. Here are a few of my favorites.

"Elaborate"

NY Woman caught driving with elaborate cardboard license plate
United Press International (article excerpt) - March 3, 2016

A New York woman was unable to fool local police with her hand drawn cardboard license plate.




Erie County Sheriff's Office shared photos of the elaborate fake license plate that led an officer to pull over 28-year-old Amanda Schweickert.

"In case you are wondering, homemade cardboard license plates are NOT legal," they wrote in the Facebook post.

Schweickert was seen driving with the cardboard plate, painted to resemble a New York plate, on the back of her car and no front plate.

Officers also discovered that she was driving with a suspended license and no insurance.

A very versatile grave marker

Poor Gavis. He had a good run, but in the end we decided it was best to have him put down.

Nice catch, Google!

Top 5 karaoke songs (+ worst ever)

1. "Brandy" by Looking Glass
2. "I Don't Mind" by Usher
3. "Blue Suede Shoes" by Elvis Presley
4. "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond
5. "Wonderwall" by Oasis

Worst: There are no bad karaoke songs if they're performed right!

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Edumacational Instagrams

Dwayne Johnson? #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 25, 2015 at 9:23am PST

Thanks #Goodreads for making me feel like I'm in 7th grade again. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 17, 2015 at 9:24pm PST

Money well spent

Comedian Eugene Mirman got a ridiculous parking ticket. He retaliated by taking out a full-page ad in the city's paper. The part about General Stark is particularly enlightening. It really reinforces the fact that we need to place more value in education–I didn't learn any of the facts Eugene references in my history classes.

Click the image to zoom in.

Big plans

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much as I usually do on this blog. The reason is that I'm working on a super-awesome comedy packet that will surely skyrocket me to my dream job of being a comedy writer.

In the meantime I'll continue to post web content that I enjoy and revisit my Instagrams from yestermonth. When I finish my packet I'll go back to creating original content for More Rants than Raves.

Wish me luck on my packet!*
*Not to my face, I don't need that kind of jinx.

Super off-the-books

If you haven't been watching SNL lately, you've been missing out.

Skateboard racks

Check out the shitty picture I took of this cool invention. I wish they had these when I was in school–I'd have like three more skateboards right now!

Beer vs. Coffee

Or drink a bunch of these and get superpowers!

Words with Instagram

I think #WordsWithFriends is trying to tell me something. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Mar 2, 2015 at 9:51am PST

Hey @GapKids, you miiight want to rethink your beanie design. . . . #Dude #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on Feb 17, 2015 at 9:14pm PST

New for 2016!

Here are some exciting new changes coming to More Rants than Raves.

1. Larger images. From now on, when you click on an image it will link you to a larger version of that image. This should help when "zooming in" on photos with a cell phone.

2. Instagram jokes! I just hit 200 posts on Instagram and I've decided that from now on I'm going to post my favorite images from my IG account on this blog.

3. I will try not to use the n-word so much. I counted up all the times I've used the n-word so far and the total is zero, but that's still too much!

Professional dog driver

Saw this disclaimer at the bottom of a commercial. Where can I get one of these driving dogs?!

Merry Christmas!

Can you spot the addition my four-year-old made to this nativity scene?


Hint: He's a wise man bearing gold.

Only 4 shopping days 'till Christmas!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament.

Creative destruction

Some friends of ours recently gave our 1-year-old daughter a pack of really cool egg-shaped crayons. My daughter has been having a blast walking around our house drawing all over the walls. Last month she found an even more creative use for them: covering my insides with hot wax.

The other morning I noticed that my coffee tasted a little "off." After drinking half a cup I finally got the energy to get up and investigate the situation. What I discovered is that my daughter, in an effort to help out around the house, had washed her blue egg crayon in the dishwasher!

Every dish was covered in a thin film of wax that needed to be scoured off by hand. Between her and her brother, we're in for some serious trouble.

This post is brought to you by the letters O, C, and D

I found a cool tip chart in Real Simple magazine a few months ago. I scanned it and then spent an hour reformatting it so it would fit nicely on my blog.

Internet ads are the worst!

Here are some ads I saw on Twitter, accompanied by some sassy comments from yours truly.


It's pretty tasteful that this article didn't include the sexiest dead female travelers.



Click the link to read more!



First off, this ad must have been sent to me by mistake, since I'm definitely a dude (I checked).

Secondly, what the hell is this?! "All the guys in your life are going to die off. GET READY TO PARTY!!!"