Monday, December 14, 2009

Camping on Hoth

Check out this Tauntaun sleeping bag à la The Empire Strikes Back. It even has a lightsaber zipper!

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Can't blog now. Gaming.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Another brilliant idea

Today I decided that when I die I want my headstone to have a built-in bottle opener. That way when my friends and family come to visit they can share a beer in my memory. The best part? My headstone will read:

Ryan Danger Sims
Have a drink on me!

Monday, November 09, 2009

A brilliant idea

A man named Josh Silver has invented self-adjusting eyeglasses for use in underdeveloped countries. The glasses are cheap to produce and do not require a doctor or prescription.

A Zulu man wearing adaptive glasses.

"Silver has devised a pair of glasses which rely on the principle that the fatter a lens the more powerful it becomes. Inside the device's tough plastic lenses are two clear circular sacs filled with fluid, each of which is connected to a small syringe attached to either arm of the spectacles.

The wearer adjusts a dial on the syringe to add or reduce amount of fluid in the membrane, thus changing the power of the lens. When the wearer is happy with the strength of each lens the membrane is sealed by twisting a small screw, and the syringes removed. The principle is so simple, the team has discovered, that with very little guidance people are perfectly capable of creating glasses to their own prescription."

So far, over 30,000 pairs have been distributed around the world by various charitable organizations.

Source: The Daily Telegraph

Friday, October 16, 2009

Hobo attack!

BA man charged in reported harmonica attack
Tulsa World (article excerpt) - October 8, 2009

A Broken Arrow man is facing the music after being accused of beating his roommate on the head with a harmonica.

According to Decai Liu’s arrest report, his roommate was in the bathroom getting ready for work when Liu burst in and started beating him with the instrument.

Police tried to arrest Liu, but he allegedly resisted and head-butted one of the officers. They eventually subdued him with pepper spray, according to the report.

Liu’s roommate told police that “I don’t know what his problem was,” the report indicates.

Officers took the harmonica as evidence.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Zombie shirt

Check out this awesome t-shirt Capcom is selling to promote their upcoming Resident Evil game. Flip it over your head and voilà - instant zombie.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Top 5 most played songs in my iTunes (+ least played)

1. "Float On" by Modest Mouse (166 times)
2. "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by The Postal Service (149 times)
3. "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson (131 times)
4. "Brand New Colony" by The Postal Service (119 times)
5. "Flight Test" by The Flaming Lips (118 times)

Least Played: "Come Sail Away" by Styx (0 times)

Submit your own list as a comment! (If you don't know how to get play count information from iTunes email me and I'll walk you through it.)

Saturday, October 03, 2009


Ladies and gentlemen, it seems as though I have made a mistake. This is the first time that it has ever happened to me so bear with me while I get this out. Since I posted my opinion of Lady Gaga on this blog (see Guns for Gaga), I have come to realize something very disturbing. I actually like Lady Gaga. There, I said it.

Wow, I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Before you judge me look within yourself. Have you ever been driving down the road when a Lady Gaga song came on the radio and found yourself turning it up and/or singing along? If you say "no" you are a liar and I take back calling you a lady and/or gentlemen at the introduction of this post.

I know that this is a shock and that some of my friends and even my own brothers will probably disown me once they read this post. How could I go from encouraging people to donate money to buy Lady Gaga a gun so she could blow her head off to rocking out to "Paparazzi" on my iPod in just a few short months? I don't know. I only know that it's true.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Lego art

I found an artist on Flickr that re-creates classic photographs using Legos. His name is Balakov and I have posted my favorites below. Click on any image to see the original.

Raising the flag on Iwo Jima

V.J. Day Times Square

Lunch atop a skyscraper


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Odd suggestions

Last week I came across an article on the "funniest suggestions from Google Suggest." For those that don't know, Google Suggest is the feature that gives you real-time suggestions for search queries as you type them. I posted my favorite examples below.

Source: The Daily Telegraph

Monday, September 21, 2009

A list of my car accidents

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: Their fault
DESCRIPTION: I was broadsided in the middle of an intersection by a woman who ran a red light. Even though she admitted it was her fault at the time, she later changed her story and it was deemed my fault because I was 16 and it was her word against mine. The side of my car was smashed in pretty bad.

DAMAGE: Severe
FAULT: My fault
DESCRIPTION: I peeled out at a stop sign and lost control of the vehicle. The car jumped the curb and I landed in a construction site (where the living room would have been if the house was completed).

FAULT: My fault
DESCRIPTION: I rear ended a guy outside of my high school Grad Night event. He was cool and didn't report it to his insurance.

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: Their fault
DESCRIPTION: I was driving in Tahoe and some crazy lady ran into the side of my car when I was trying to change lanes. She then got out of the car and screamed at me in the snow, saying she was going to call her husband so he could come down and "kick my ass." I told her to "bring it on" and she chickened out.

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: My fault (kind of)
DESCRIPTION: I was following my friend's sister's boyfriend in the days before cell phones and if I lost him I would have been completely lost in the snow. He was going 90 mph in a blizzard and I was racing to keep up. I hit a patch of snow on the road and spun my grandparent's van around about 270 degrees and ended up three feet away from falling off a cliff. The car wouldn't start and had to be towed. The upside? My brother and I got to stay in a hotel in Tahoe that night and party it up.

FAULT: My fault
DESCRIPTION: I somehow got myself stuck in a parking lot with high walls and couldn't get out without scraping the side of my car. Think "Austin Powers" only with a lot more cursing.

DAMAGE: Severe
FAULT: Jack Daniel's
DESCRIPTION: I ran over a hobo in an abandoned train yard. This may sound bad to some of you but the hobo came from out of nowhere and in my defense I was really, really drunk.

Okay so I made the last one up. Just making sure you were still paying attention. Moving on. . . .

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: My fault (kind of)
DESCRIPTION: I ran a stop sign in a parking lot outside of my dorm and got hit by some douche. I know it was my fault but this guy was going like 30 mph and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. Also, since when are you supposed to obey stop signs in parking lots?

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: My fault
DESCRIPTION: I had just signed a lease on an apartment and I was excited. Too excited, apparently to notice the pole next to my parked car. I backed out quick at an angle and completely ruined the side of my car.

DAMAGE: Severe
FAULT: My fault (kind of)
DESCRIPTION: Somebody two cars in front of me decided to slam on their breaks to turn into a farmer's market for some impulse vegetable shopping. I slammed on my breaks but it was too late. I was driving my brother's truck and I completely smashed in the entire front of it. (Sorry bro!)

DAMAGE: Moderate
FAULT: My fault
DESCRIPTION: I backed a rental car into an apartment call box. After fleeing the scene I realized that I had been seen, so I had to come back and face the music.

FAULT: Their fault
DESCRIPTION: I was in one of those In-N-Out's that have two drive-thru windows. An employee needed to walk across the drive-thru lane to get some supplies and my car was blocking the door. I backed my car up for him and as I did the side-view mirror of my car caught on the drive-thru window and broke off. The guy was a total dick and immediately went on the defensive even though I didn't say anything to him. He panicked and said that he never asked me to back up and that he wasn't going to pay for the damage. I wasn't expecting anything like that but he could have at least apologized for the fact that my car got messed up and/or offered to give me a free fries or something. It's a good thing their burgers are so damn good or I would have never gone back.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Way to go, Killer!

SC teen bags 10-foot alligator with a crossbow
Associated Press - September 17, 2009

A 16-year-old girl has bagged a 10-foot alligator in a South Carolina swamp.

In the middle of the night. With a crossbow.

The State newspaper in Columbia reported that Cammie Colin won one of 1,000 lottery slots for the state's annual public alligator harvest. Hunters are required to use a crossbow or a harpoon.

Cammie was the only person in her group authorized to shoot the 353-pound gator. The Lexington resident was with a guide, her father, an uncle and her brother in an 18-foot boat early Sunday in the headwaters of Lake Marion.

They have 40 pounds of alligator steak in the freezer now.

Cammie says most of her teachers are using her new nickname, "Killer."

Sunday, September 13, 2009


I present to you the "Ping Pong Door" by designer Tobias Fränzel.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

The weirdest animals on Earth

The Daily Telegraph (a London paper) has published a list of "The weirdest animals on Planet Earth." Here are some of my favorites.

The long eared jerboa is a nocturnal mouse-like rodent found in the deserts of China and Mongolia. It has a long tail, long legs and extremely large ears. Being such a rare creature, it is in danger of extinction.

The blobfish is a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than that of the water it occupies. This helps it maintain buoyancy. Hovering just above the sea-floor, the blobfish gobbles edible matter that floats past it.

The aye-aye shares a lot in common with the woodpecker - it taps trees to find grubs. When food is located it uses its rodent-like teeth to gnaw a hole, then digs them out with its long middle finger.

Leafy seadragons are covered with leaf-like appendages, making them remarkably camouflaged. Found in Australia, they inhabit calm, cold water and have been protected by the government since 1982.

The shoebill is a very large bird found in tropical swamps of eastern Africa. It stands at an average of four feet with a wingspan of over seven feet. The species was only discovered by ornithologists in the 19th century.

The most distinctive trait of the proboscis monkey is the male's large protruding nose. It has been suggested that the female proboscis monkey prefers big-nosed males.

The star-nosed mole's snout has 22 fleshy tentacles that are used to identify food by touch. Often found in North America, it lives in wet lowland areas and eats small invertebrates, aquatic insects, worms and molluscs.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Cool label, crap beer (#2)

Thursday, September 03, 2009

A neat idea

"Putpockets" give a little extra cash
Reuters - August 19, 2009

Visitors to London always have to be on the look out for pickpockets, but now there's another, more positive phenomenon on the loose -- putpockets.

Aware that people are suffering in the economic crisis, 20 former pickpockets have turned over a new leaf and are now trawling London's tourist sites slipping money back into unsuspecting pockets.

Anything from 5 pounds ($8) to 20 pound notes is being surreptitiously deposited in unguarded pockets or open handbags in Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden and other busy spots.

The initiative, which runs until the end of August in London before being rolled out countrywide, is being funded by a broadbrand provider, which says it wants to brighten up people's lives in unusual ways.

"It feels good to give something back for a change -- and Britons certainly need it in the current economic climate," said Chris Fitch, a former pickpocket who now heads TalkTalk's putpocketing initiative.

"Every time I put money back in someone's pocket, I feel less guilty about the fact I spent many years taking it out."

London's police have been briefed about the plan, which will see at least 100,000 pounds given away.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm a big dork

I just realized how much of a nerd I really am when I bought my new Monopoly video game. While purchasing the game the cashier asked me, "why don't you just get the board game?" To which I responded pathetically, "I have the board game version but no one will play it with me."

The truth is that Monopoly has always been my favorite game but it isn't the easiest thing to find people willing to spend 3-5 hours fighting over fake money. With the video game I can curse at the other players all I want and I don't have watch people try to scam each other with shady trades.

I wasn't sure about getting the video game version but it was calling my name - literally. Check out this detail from the back cover:

Saturday, August 29, 2009


This character was created by Pete Sims. Go make your own at If you email your superhero to me I'll post it on this blog!

Friday, August 28, 2009


This character was created by Jim Condon. Go make your own at If you email your superhero to me I'll post it on this blog!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

El Tigre

This character was created by Jacob Sims. Go make your own at If you email your superhero to me I'll post it on this blog!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


This character was created by Debbie Sims. Go make your own at If you email your superhero to me I'll post it on this blog!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Big Baller

Have you always wanted to create your own comic book superhero but are held back by the fact that you can't draw to save your life? Well, today is your lucky day. Marvel has created a website that allows you to create a character by piecing together pre-drawn parts. After you finish you can download your image and/or email it to a friend.

Check out the bad-ass that I created:

Go create your own at If you email your superhero to me I'll post it on this blog!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Okay, so I drank a bunch of High Life . . .

So here's the deal. I decided it would be a good idea to rub all the cologne samples in my men's magazine on my neck at the same time. The problem? I sat in the hot tub and took a shower and I still smell like an effing gigolo.

On a totally different note, I came up with two new names for popular TV shows.

#1 = The new 90210 should be called 902102 from now on.
#2 = Jon and Kate Plus 8 should now be called John and Kate Plus Hate.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Don't mess with Utah either

Saw this posted on a gas station door while traveling through Utah.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Smugglin' crocodiles

Panic aboard flight as croc takes mid-air stroll
Agence France Presse (article excerpt) - July 31, 2009

A baby crocodile triggered panic among passengers on an EgyptAir flight from Abu Dhabi to Cairo on Friday when it took a leisurely stroll on board the aircraft, airport officials said.

Crew members managed to corner and capture the croc and handed it over to authorities when the plane landed in Cairo, where it was to be housed at the Giza zoo.

All of the passengers were questioned about the crocodile, but none admitted bringing it on board.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Shampoo trivia

In my shower I have a bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo that has been giving me some trouble. On this bottle is a trivia question, the answer to which can be found on a bottle of conditioner of the same brand. The problem is that I don't use fancyboy conditioner. You see, I am a man made of muscle and brawn and my hair is tough like a Brillo pad, but I digress. Anyway I have been staring at this shampoo bottle every morning for months and trying to guess the answer and it finally drove me so nuts that I had to seek out the conditioner bottle at my local Target.

In order to save everyone from the same cruel and ridiculous fate, I have compiled a definitive list of these trivia questions and their answers. Enjoy.

Q: How long is the longest hair ever recorded?
A: 18 feet, 5.5 inches.

Q: How long is the longest kiss ever recorded?
A: 31 hours, 30 minutes.

Q: What is the largest cut diamond in the world?
A: The star of Africa - 530 carats.

Q: How long can it take an oyster to make a pearl?
A: 6 years.

Q: What percent of US women are born blonde?
A: 16%.

Q: On average, what does a blond have more than a brunette?
A: Hair on her head.

Q: On average, how many bubbles are in a bottle of champagne?
A: 58 million.

Q: What do 15% of women do on Valentine’s Day?
A: Send themselves flowers.

Q: What percent of men buy flowers on Valentine’s Day?
A: 73%.

Q: On average, how many couples get married in Las Vegas each day?
A: Over 300.

Q: On average, who do you talk to more than anyone else?
A: Yourself.

Q: In England in the 1880’s what was considered a dirty word?
A: Pants.

Q: What percent of women wear the wrong bra size?
A: More than 60%.

Q: What do almost half of women admit to doing to their significant other?
A: Throwing a shoe at him.

Q: What is the most popular sport played in nudist colonies?
A: Volleyball.

Q: What gem is thought to improve your love life?
A: Diamonds.

Q: How much are the world’s most expensive shoes worth?
A: Over 2 million dollars.

Q: How long does the average dream last?
A: 3 seconds.

Q: 33% of women have lied about what?
A: Their weight.

Q: How long do the majority of brides plan their wedding?
A: 7 to 12 months.

Q: What is the average number of bridesmaids at a wedding?
A: 4 bridesmaids.

Q: Two of five people end up marrying whom?
A: Their first love.

Q: Where do 27% of women hide a winning lottery ticket?
A: In their bra.

Q: On average, how much of your life is spent kissing?
A: Two weeks.

Q: On average, how many times does a woman touch another person per day?
A: 12 touches.

Q: What helps servers get a larger tip?
A: Touching a hand or shoulder.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Great quotes from president Obama

As many of you know, Barack Obama wrote a memoir entitled Dreams from My Father before he became president. (I personally think that his next book should be more focused on his mother and should be titled: Obama Mama Drama, but that is beside the point.) The reason I am bringing up Obama's memoir is that he read the text aloud for the audiobook version and it contains some fantastically funny lines.

Click here to listen to Obama tell it like it is.

Friday, July 31, 2009

BBQ tip

By comparing a steak’s tenderness to the soft part of your thumb as you touch each finger to the tip of your thumb, you can tell how done it is.

Source: Maxim Magazine

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I'm losing it

Last night in class I was so delirious that I think I may have made a bad impression. During a peer presentation project I was asked to compose a brief biography on a man named John Bidwell. I shared my finished product with my group and they were not impressed. Apparently, while Bidwell was born in 1819 and did run for governor of California in 1880, he did not “eat two extra large Domino’s pizzas at one sitting on a dare,” nor did he “invent the iPod” as I so vehemently claimed.

Only 9 days left to go in my horrible teaching credential program. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Not cool

Toilet snake attack: urban legend comes true?
Reuters (article excerpt) - May 11, 2009

A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.

"As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up," the China Times said. "When he looked down, he saw the big snake."

The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.

Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Knock knock joke

Knock, knock.

Who's there?


9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

Friday, May 01, 2009

Babies Backwards “R” Us

Last month I went to Babies "R" Us to shop for a baby shower gift with my wife. I have always been curious about this store because of what its name implies. Toys "R" Us sells toys so I’ve always assumed that Babies "R" Us would be chock full of women racing around, filling their shopping carts with economically priced newborns (buy one get one half off!).

After visiting the store I am sad to report that I was wrong. Not only were there no toddlers for sale, but a lot of the stuff they were selling was absolutely ridiculous. The products that stood out as the most absurd were the shoes designed for newborns. You heard right, shoes for babies that cannot yet walk. Check these bad boys out:

Guess Infant Navy Hi Top With G Insignia
Price: $29.99 - Recommended Age: Birth to 3 months

Perfect for when your lil' thug gets caught slippin' and has to sprint away from da cops!

Monday, April 27, 2009

I got dict on my test

While reviewing case studies for the RICA (a teacher qualifying exam) I ran across the following instructional strategy:

Yeah, I think I'll pass on giving that lesson. . . .

Friday, April 24, 2009

Cool label, good beer (#2)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Another quick joke

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Peggle can make you crazy

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I thought this only happened in movies

Man bites python
Reuters - April 15, 2009

A Kenyan man bit a python who wrapped him in its coils and hauled him up a tree in a struggle that lasted hours, local media said Wednesday.

Farm manager Ben Nyaumbe was working at the weekend when the serpent, apparently hunting for livestock, struck in the Malindi area of Kenya's Indian Ocean coast.

"I stepped on a spongy thing on the ground and suddenly my leg was entangled with the body of a huge python," he told the Daily Nation newspaper.

When the snake coiled itself round his upper body, Nyaumbe resorted to desperate measures: "I had to bite it."

The python dragged him up a tree, but when it eased its grip, Nyaumbe said he was able to take a mobile phone out of his pocket and phone for help.

When his supervisor came with a policeman, Nyaumbe smothered the snake's head with his shirt, while the rescuers tied it with a rope and pulled.

"We both came down, landing with a thud," said Nyaumbe, who survived with damaged lips and bruising.

The snake escaped from the three sacks it was bundled into.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Gastropod joke

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there’s nobody there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street.

Five years go by, and there’s another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there’s no one standing there, but there’s a snail on the welcome mat.

The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Quick and crazy facts

FACT: Dr. Seuss wrote Green Eggs and Ham after his editor bet him $50 that he couldn't write a book using fifty different words or less. Dr. Seuss won the bet (the story contains fifty different words).

FACT: Singer Sheryl Crow was born Bertha Hogswater. She changed her name shortly after graduating high school.
SOURCE: The Biography Channel

FACT: The number of drunk people in the world at any given moment is estimated at 46,948,952.
SOURCE: Maxim Magazine

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Top 5 nicknames (+ worst ever)

1. T-Bone
2. Slim
3. Chief
4. Slick
5. Hoss

Worst: Sport

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Update: John Mayer is still a tool

I have been keeping close tabs on the situation and I am happy to report that John Mayer is still trying to be a modern day Confucius. Check out some of his latest musings on Twitter:

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The reason I do not own a bow

Minn. man charged after playing 'Rambo' with bow
Associated Press (article excerpt) - April 9, 2009

A man was charged with a felony after prosecutors alleged he tried to impress a woman by firing arrows at his neighbors' homes with a powerful bow. Police found arrows in the siding of townhomes in the man's complex on Saturday. Another arrow went through a patio door, shattering the glass.

The charges allege the 30-year-old man was "extremely intoxicated" when questioned by police. So was his female friend.

She allegedly told investigators that they had been drinking all night before the man grabbed his bow and walked onto the deck. She thought he wanted to "play Rambo."

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Finally, some instructions!

Monday, April 06, 2009

Doctor joke

A woman is in her doctor's office when suddenly she whispers, "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says, “No, that is totally out of the question."

A few minutes later the woman again says, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" The doctor responds, "I’m sorry but it would be totally unethical to kiss you. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be having sex right now.”

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Cool label, good beer

Monday, March 30, 2009

Cool label, crap beer

Sunday, March 29, 2009


Recently I have been hearing a lot about "Twitter," a micro-blogging site where people obsessively report their every little action. I checked it out and found that the service is basically for self-important egomaniacs who think everyone wants to hear about every time they eat a burrito. So, naturally I signed up for an account.

The first update I got was from John Mayer. He thinks he's super profound but he's about as deep as a kiddie pool. Check out his latest musings:

What a toolbox. If you are interested in stalking me, visit

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Employee of the month

Police: Woman drugs boss's coffee so he'll 'chill'
Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 13, 2009

Police said a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." Police said the 24-year-old woman admitted to detectives that she slipped the drugs into veteranarian John Duckett's drink. Officers said Duckett knew something was wrong shortly after drinking some of the coffee Tuesday morning.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Top 5 coolest celebrities

1. Harrison Ford (1977)
2. Neil Patrick Harris
3. Paul Rudd
4. Tina Fey
5. Stephen Colbert

Cold as ice: Chris Dane Owens

Thank you to everyone that contributed. Who knew there were so many cool celebrities out there?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Top 5 coolest celebrities (in progress)

Okay people, I need your help. Please submit the names of people you consider to be the "coolest celebrities" by clicking the "comments" link below. I will review the submissions and use them to compile my "top 5" list. Man, I am using a lot of "quotations" in this "post."

Before you submit, please observe the following rules:

1) You can post as many or as few times as you like but I need at least 5 different people to post before I publish the list.

2) If anyone submits Shia LaBeouf as a candidate, they will be automatically disqualified.

Now giddy up and start posting!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Guns for Gaga

I have an extremely high tolerance for crappy pop music. That being said, there is a new song on the radio that is so vile, so gut-wrenchingly stupid, that I feel I must write to warn everyone about it. The musical abomination I am speaking of is “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga.

I am not going to provide a link to this song because I do not want to promote it further than I already am. I know that this may seem ridiculous because by writing about the song I have no doubt piqued your interest. In fact, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that the next thing you do on the intraweb will be to search for this horrible song. You inquisitive bastards!

My favorite line in this craptacular masterpiece is not “I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning” as some of you may have guessed. No, the line I am speaking of is “Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun.”

Okay, so I never played Russian Roulette but I am pretty sure you need a firearm. This is kind of like saying “Monopoly is not the same without a game board.” I am left to imagine Gaga and her friends sitting around, tossing bullets at their heads in frustration.

The whole thing has inspired me to start a fundraiser with the goal of buying Lady Gaga and her friends a revolver. I’m calling it “Guns for Gaga” and I am sure that it will make the world a better place for all.

Please send money soon! I fear that Gaga may resort to playing Russian Roulette with her “love-glue-gun” and who knows what kind of chaos would result from that.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Australians are badass

Kangaroo intruder terrorizes Aussie sleeping family
Reuters (article excerpt) - March 9, 2009

An Australian couple thought they were being attacked by an intruder when a kangaroo crashed through their bedroom window and started jumping on them.

"My initial thought, when I was half awake, was it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window. It seems about as likely as a kangaroo breaking in," Beat Ettlin told local media on Monday.

The three metre (9 feet) kangaroo smashed through the window in Ettlin's Canberra home on Sunday night.

While Ettlin and his wife and young daughter took refuge under the blankets, the injured kangaroo jumped on top of them, gouging holes in the furniture.

The next thing Ettlin heard was his 10-year-old son Leighton screaming from his bed: "There's a 'roo in my room!'"

Ettlin, a 42-year-old chef, wrestled the bleeding kangaroo, got it into a headlock and dragged it out the front door. The kangaroo disappeared into bushes.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Top 5 most annoying celebrities

1. Paris Hilton (a predictable choice, but still true)
2. Dr. Phil
3. Adrian Brody
4. Bono
5. Whoopi Goldberg

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Caption contest #2

I got this photo out of People en Español (my new favorite magazine):

Since the original caption is in Spanish I converted it to English by running the text through the online language translator Babel Fish. I converted it from Spanish to English, and then double-checked it by converting the English to Japanese, and then translated it back into English. Apparently the caption reads:

"New urine a little just? A.B. As for QUINTANILLA in young promise in estrellato lassoing, him him the future of many NO for the singer of this sort which is given and that fianc2ee Elizabeth of Miami and amicable it is us to thing something which is not in [serenade]."

Now that that's cleared up, it's time for you to write your own. Go ahead and submit your caption for the photo now by clicking on the "comments" link below!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Super cool!

Last week my wife and I went to a improv comedy show in LA. The act featured a few big names including Michael McDonald from Madtv and Saturday Night Live's newest cast member Michaela Watkins. We got to meet Michaela and she was really nice!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Top 5 cocktails (+ worst ever)

1. Chi-Chi
2. Old Fashioned
3. Dry Martini
4. Straight Tequila
5. Salty Dog

Worst: Buffalo Sweat (shooter)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Pay it backward

Today I helped a woman who was stranded in the middle of a highway off-ramp. I pushed her car up a huge hill and almost passed out from the strain. When I finished, she stopped her car and didn't even look up to thank me. This may sound incredible to you but it didn't surprise me at all. Believe it or not, this is the third stranger's car I have pushed in the last six months. Each time I pushed the car while the person sat in the driver's seat. Each time the person did not thank me. What kind of crazy sense of entitlement does someone have to have to let a complete stranger push their car and not even have the decency to say “thank you”?! This got me thinking about "paying it backwards."

Remember that corny-ass movie with Haley Joel Osment called Pay It Forward? For those that haven't seen it, the main character (Osment) comes up with a plan to "pay it forward" by doing a good deed for three people who must in turn each do good deeds for three other people, and on and on until the end of eternity. SPOILER ALERT: At the end of the movie Osment gets shanked in the stomach and dies a painful death. I guess that's what you get for being a good person.

So if I responded to that thankless beyotch by doing a bad deed (like pushing her car into a ditch) would that mean I am "paying it backwards" or would that mean I am "paying forward" a bad deed? I guess "paying it backwards" would involve responding to a good deed by performing a bad one, or responding to a bad deed by performing a good one, so technically I would be "paying it forward" in a bad way. Wait. What?

I think I need more sleep. . . .

Monday, February 16, 2009


While browsing through a recent issue of People en Español, I stumbled upon a preview of their upcoming "50 Most-o Beautiful-ee-see-mo People-o" (that's "50 Most Beautiful People" to all you non-Spanish speakers). The magazine had a spread showing some nominees, including the handsome devil on the bottom right of this photo:

I'm casting my vote for this guy:

He's so manly that my sissy-ass scanner actually broke while digitizing this image (I'm not joking). I found his photo on a different page of the magazine and I'm not even sure he's nominated, but I think he should win based on the mustache alone.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Pretend poop balls

Last month the kindergarten class I'm observing had a special guest speaker. The visitor was from the local utility company and was there to teach the children about water and storm drains. She brought along an assortment of props, including "pretend poop balls" (her words, not mine). A few minutes into her presentation it became apparent that she was a little crazy.

After sharing a story of a woman that caught her hair on fire on America's Funniest Home Videos, she suggested that it is okay for the children to eat dirt. My favorite part of the discussion was when the speaker gave convoluted instructions which suggested that the kids go home and fill their parent's measuring cups with fertilizer. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Top 5 sports to watch (+ worst ever)

1. Football
2. Baseball (live, not on TV)
3. World's Strongest Man competition
4. Curling
5. Tennis

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Top 5 sports to play (+ worst ever)

1. Snowboarding
2. Bodyboarding
3. Volleyball
4. Skateboarding
5. Bocce

Worst: Long distance running

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Sunday, February 08, 2009

My video game collection (updated)

I posted a photo of my game collection a couple of years ago and thought I should
update it. Click the image to get a closer look.

I also have the following games downloaded onto my Wii and Xbox 360: Contra III:
The Alien Wars
, Dr. Mario Online Rx, Frogger, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of
, Mario Kart 64, Pac-Man, Portal: Still Alive, SimCity, Street Fighter II Turbo,
Street Fighter II: The World Warrior, Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, Super
Puzzle Fighter II Turbo HD Remix
, and Vegas Stakes.