Fictitious fat cats

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the The Forbes Fictional 15.  The people over at Forbes have dedicated their time and resources to create a list of the world's "richest fictional characters." At first I thought the article was a joke, but after perusing the site I realized that the magazine's pencil-pushing poindexters take it very seriously.  The "candidates" must meet a strict set of criteria in order to be included, and their worth is painstakingly calculated using complex mathematical equations.

I'm happy to see that McDuck is still ballin' like a boss.

The Forbes Fictional 15
1. Scrooge McDuck (Uncle Scrooge comics) = $44.1 billion
2. Carlisle Cullen (Twilight) = $36.2 billion
3. Artemis Fowl II (Artemis Fowl novels) = $13.5 billion
4. Richie Rich (Richie Rich comics) = $9.7 billion
5. Jed Clampett (The Beverly Hillbillies) = $9.5 billion
6. Tony Stark (Iron Man) = $9.4 billion
7. Smaug (The Hobbit) = $8.6 billion
8. Bruce Wayne (Batman) = $7.0 billion
9. Mr. Monopoly (Monopoly games) = $2.6 billion
10. Arthur Bach (Arthur films) = $1.8 billion
11. Jo Bennett (The Office) = $1.2 billion
12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) = $1.1 billion
13. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) = $1.1 billion
14. Gordon Gekko (Wall Street) = $1.1 billion
15. Jeffrey Lebowski (The Big Lebowski) = $1.0 billion

[Insert manhole joke here]

Dear sewer worker dude/dudette,

First off, thank you for your diligent work keeping the alligators from escaping the sewers. I have yet to spot one in my neighborhood.

Secondly, I wanted to ask if it would be possible for you to make sure that the manhole covers are straight the next time you crawl up out of the sewer. I know that this may seem trivial to you, but when the lines don't line up, it drives me a little crazy. Like when iTunes lists one artist in your library twice because of a spelling error, or when you notice that the little ceramic penguin in your study is no longer facing due south.

I'm doing my part. I always cut up the little plastic soda ties before I flush them down my toilet, and I hardly ever turd in the gutter. I'll keep scratching your back if you'll scratch mine (metaphorically of course, I know where your hands have been).

Thank you so much for understanding,

Ryan Danger Sims, B.A., O.C.D.

P.S. Say hi to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me!

Happy New Year (we're all gonna die)!

It's officially 2012! Enjoy yourself because on December 21st everyone is going to drop dead. Don't believe me? Consider the knowledge that one of the greatest minds of our time, rapper "Lil' Wayne," dropped during an interview with Blender magazine.

"The world is about to end in 2012 . . . ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Mosquitos bite you and you die."



According to Forbes, Lil' "earned" $15 million last year. If that's not an omen that the world is coming to an end, I don't know what is.

Lightsaber 1, Tazer 0

Oregon man arrested in light saber [sic] attack

United Press International (article excerpt) - December 16, 2011

Police in Oregon said they arrested a man accused of assaulting fellow Toys R Us customers with a toy light saber.

Portland police said officers responded to the store at 9:51 p.m. Wednesday on a report of a man attacking customers with the "Star Wars" toy, and they arrived to find the man swinging the light saber around in the parking lot and shouting incoherent statements.

An officer used a Taser on the man, but he was able to use the light saber to break one of the wires, police said. They said the man was tackled to the ground and continued to struggle while being taken into custody.

What the?

I was flipping channels the other day and noticed something disturbing. Check out the programming on the Science Channel:

Just what the hell are those nerds planning?!

Little known facts

A man named David Rice Atchison was once president of the US.

He was only president for a few minutes due to a technicality but his gravestone proudly proclaims that he was president for a day in 1849.

Frank Sinatra didn't write his signature song "My Way."

The melody is based on a French song entitled "Comme d'habitude." Paul Anka heard the song while vacationing in Paris. He bought the publishing rights and tailored the lyrics for Sinatra.

St. Patrick was not Irish.

He was born in Britannia, a Roman province that later became what we know as England. He was captured by Irish raiders when he was 16 and taken to Ireland where he was a slave for six years. He escaped but later returned to spread the Christian gospel.

The song "Puff, the Magic Dragon" is not about smoking weed.

The lyrics were originally penned as a poem in 1959 by a Cornell University student, writing about the sad end to his carefree childhood.

The expression "sweating like a pig" doesn't make sense.

Pigs have no sweat glands and can't sweat at all, which is why they attempt to lower their body temperature by wallowing in mud.

The Olympic Games used to include artistic challenges.

Cultural events ran side-by-side with athletics during both the ancient and modern Olympics. The roster of events included architecture, painting, sculpture, music and literature up through the 1948 games.

Most grown cats are lactose intolerant.

Once kittens are weaned, they no longer need milk in their diets. Cats like the taste of milk and will drink it, but it can give them stomach pain and continuous diarrhea which can endanger their health.

The "cracking" sound of a whip is due to the whip breaking the sound barrier.

A sonic boom is created when the extreme tip of the whip snaps out to its full length. That's what she said. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Duck hunt gone awry

Dog Shoots Duck Hunter From Behind

KTLA News (article excerpt) - December 1, 2011

A duck hunter is recovering from minor wounds he suffered when he was shot in the buttocks by his partner's dog over the weekend, law enforcement authorities said on Thursday.

The two hunting partners had stopped their boat in a marsh area where their duck decoys were placed to retrieve a duck they had shot, and the man laid his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of the vessel and stepped into the shallow water.

"The dog jumped into the boat and was stepping over the shotgun and made it discharge somehow. The guy was still walking away from the boat and he took it in the buttocks," said Box Elder County Sheriff Chief Deputy Kevin Potter.

The stricken hunter was taken to Brigham City Hospital, where medical personnel removed 27 shotgun pellets from his backside.

I imagine that the dog looked something like this:

It's that time of year again

Games I just got:

Games I want next:

Another fantastic bumper sticker

E1even, e1even, etcetera

1t's officia11y 11:11:11 on 11/11/11!

This phenomenon happens on1y once in a 1ifetime!

(Un1ess you have access to a time machine or find the ho1y grai1.)

Vanna White is a genius

Okay, maybe "genius" is going a little too far, but consider the following:

You know how when you're unrolling tinfoil (or plastic wrap) the stupid tube comes out of the box and bounces on the counter and then it falls on the dirty kitchen floor and you try to roll the foil back onto the cardboard tube but your hand slips and you cut your finger on the stupid metal teeth on the box and instead of wrapping your leftover lasagna you end up crushing a dirty ball of tinfoil in your bloody mangled hand while cursing whatever idiot invented the stupid tinfoil box?

Well, those days are over my friend. I was watching "The Wheel" the other day and Vanna White shared a helpful hint. Apparently there are tabs at the ends of tinfoil (and plastic wrap) boxes that you are supposed to press inwards. These tabs hold the roll in place and help prevent the aforementioned tragedy from occurring.

Puzzle Bobble

Puzzle Bobble is an arcade classic! Click the image below to play.

For those of you who are not familiar with the game, the object is to make all of the bubbles on the screen disappear. Click the "Start" button onscreen to begin playing. Use the left and right arrows on your keyboard to move the launching device on the bottom of the screen. Press the up arrow on your keyboard to fire a bubble. When you match three or more bubbles of the same color they will pop (dropping any bubbles that are hanging beneath them). Have fun!

Super Survey results

If you could choose one superpower, what would it be?

Super strength ________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Telepathy (read minds, control people)_ 2 votes (13%)

Shape shifting_________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Ability to fly_________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Invisibility___________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Telekinesis (move things w/your mind)__ 2 votes (13%)

Ability to heal others/self____________ 5 votes (33%)

Super speed____________________________ 0 votes (0%)

Teleportation__________________________ 2 votes (13%)

Ability to control the elements________ 0 votes (0%)

Thank you to everyone who voted!

Enjoy your pizza

According to USA Today, Halloween is one of the top 5 pizza days of the year.  Can you guess the other four days?

(Answers are in the "comments" section of this post.)

I love this art project

In her project entitled Back to the Future, artist Irina Werning takes old photographs and recreates them using the same scenes with the same people later in their lives. I posted some of my favorites below. Click any image to view the entire collection.

Water rant

I hate drinking water. Not "drinking water" specifically, but the act of drinking water.  It tastes like nothing. Actually, that isn't true. It tastes like spit. Don't believe me? Swallow some of your spit and then take a drink of water. That's what I thought.

Drinking water is soooo boring. Most people don't agree with me on this issue. When I tell people that I hate water they usually respond by saying something like, "But you need it to live!" or "What are you, some kind of an idiot?" Well, I've done some research that may shock and amaze you all.  Did you know that water is the number one cause of death by drowning?  I think I've made my point.

Top 5 breakfast cereals (+ worst ever)

1. Cap'n Crunch's Oops! All Berries
2. Reese's Puffs
3. Frosted Mini-Wheats
4. Fruit Loops
5. Frosted Flakes

Worst: All-Bran

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

I knew it all along

eBay seller: Nicolas Cage is a vampire

United Press International - September 19, 2011

A Seattle-based eBay seller is asking $1 million for a Civil War-era photo he claims is evidence actor Nicolas Cage is a "vampire."

The seller, who goes by the name Jack Mord, said the photo depicts a man nearly identical to the Oscar-winning actor, the New York Daily News reported Monday.

"Personally, I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead/vampire, etcetera, who quickens/reinvents himself once every 75 years or so," the online seller wrote on the eBay posting. "150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult or a talk show host.

"My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die' ... but in reality, the undead vampire 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over."

Mord said he will allow potential buyers to verify the authenticity of the photo, which was taken by Civil War-era photographer Professor G.B. Smith.

"Any serious potential buyer will be allowed to have a photo expert of their choice examine the original photograph before any money changes hands," he wrote.

Too good to pass up

I know I said I was taking a break, but this is just too good to pass up.

5 Year Blogiversary!

Today marks five years to the day since the start of More Rants than Raves. Since starting this blog I have posted a grand total of 378 (truly delightful) entries; an average of 1 post every 4.83 days.

Thank you to all of my readers for your comments and positive feedback. I have had lots of fun sharing my rants and raves with you all. I plan to keep this blog going in the future but for now I am taking a bit of a break. I have a lot of other wonderful things going on in my life at the current moment and my energy and creativity is needed elsewhere. Peace out for now.

Discombobulated

The comics in the newspaper frustrate me. Every time I look at them I'm reminded of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine cannot figure out why a certain comic is supposed to be funny. That show really hit the nail on the head. Check out this little gem from today's paper. Can anyone tell me how this is supposed to be funny?

Square watermelons

Over the 4th of July weekend I won a prize in a watermelon seed spitting contest. This got me thinking about an article I read a few years back that said a dude in Japan figured out a way to produce square watermelons. The idea is that they are easier to carry, ship, and store in the fridge. I don't know why but I am really fascinated by this idea and have always wanted to get one of the watermelons.

I did some research and discovered that the melons have recently been introduced to the United States market. I was excited until I learned how much they are being sold for. A cool $75 a piece.

It's not a weasel!

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

Associated Press - June 8, 2011

Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend's apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO radio reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the suspect arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested the 33-year-old Hoquiam man after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don't know why he carried it with him.

Martens are members of the weasel family.

More debunking

More fascinating facts from Armchair Reader: The Book of Myths and Misconceptions.

* Caffeine does not stunt your growth. Early studies suggested that drinking lots of caffeinated beverages contributed to reduced bone mass. More recent studies have debunked that idea.

* Not a single pirate treasure map has ever been found. Scholars doubt that pirates buried that much treasure in the first place. The idea that pirates drew maps to locate their buried treasure came from the novel Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson.

* Dog's mouths are not cleaner than human's. Canine mouths are rife with bacteria and their saliva does not have any amazing antibacterial properties. Dog's cuts heal faster because their tongues help get rid of dead tissue and stimulate circulation which in turn facilitates the healing process.

* Walt Disney was not cryonically frozen. Disney hated funerals and didn't want one so when he died his family honored his wish with a quick, private burial. Months later, when a man in California underwent the first cryonic preservation, rumors began to swirl that Disney himself had been frozen. The rumors were completely false. Disney's cremated remains reside at a memorial park in Glendale, California.

Real names of celebrities #2

Bono - Paul Hewson
Cary Grant - Archibald Leach
Charlton Heston - John Charles Carter
Demi Moore - Demetria Gene Guynes
Elle Macpherson - Eleanor Gow
Elton John - Reginald Kenneth Dwight
John Wayne - Marion Morrison
Judy Garland - Frances Gumm
Natalie Portman - Natalie Hershlag
Vin Diesel - Mark Vincent

Looking for posts in all the wrong places

Many people don't realize that the search bar at the top left of this blog is specifically dedicated to More Rants than Raves. It's a great way to track down your favorite posts from the past without having to slog through the archives. All you have to do is type in a keyword or phrase and click the little magnifying glass icon.

Go ahead and give it a try!



Actually, don't. After I made this post I searched for a bunch of stuff in my blog and only about half of it showed up. I did some research (get it, re-search?) and found out that the Blogger search bar has been "broken" for the last few years. Apparently Google can't figure out how to fix their search engine. How's that for irony?

Even though the search bar doesn't work very well, I decided to keep this post. I spent a lot of time on it and I don't want it to go to waste. I mean, look at the fancy graphic. And the title? Classic.

I am a little disappointed that my original plan isn't going to work, however. You see, I hid a post entitled "rat turds" in the archives of this blog in hopes that people would type the phrase into the search bar (after seeing my example above). If the Blogger search bar actually worked, they would have been redirected here.

Cheap laughs #2

Check out these t-shirt designs from snorgtees.com. I'm not getting paid to endorse the company, I just think the shirts are funny.

Simsplea the best

Last month I ran across a couple of interesting news articles. I didn’t post them at the time because I didn’t want to interrupt my "best toys from childhood" series. Now that March has come to a close, I thought I'd share these little gems.

Man fires gun to protest slow service

United Press International (article excerpt) - March 12, 2011

A man decided to let employees at a Denny's restaurant in Florida know he was unhappy about delayed service by firing three shots outside the door, police say.

Frederick Louis Sims, 31, of Orlando was arrested near the restaurant Tuesday afternoon, the Orlando Sentinel reported. Police officers said they found a small quantity of marijuana and a .22-caliber Ruger pistol in Sims's Cadillac Escalade.

I'm interested in this article because this Fred Sims character is undoubtedly a long-lost relative of mine. My family has a distinguished history of getting extremely agitated over lengthy restaurant wait times. Also, I couldn't resist a news article that mentions a police search of “Sims’s Cadillac Escalade.”

A few days after the Denny’s incident, another guy got busted for shooting a gun in a different restaurant.

Cops: Angry Taco Bell customer fires at officers

Associated Press (article excerpt) - March 21, 2011

Police say a San Antonio Taco Bell customer enraged that the seven burritos he ordered had gone up in price fired an air gun at an employee and later fired an assault rifle at officers before barricading himself into a hotel room.

San Antonio police Sgt. Chris Benavides says officers used tear gas Sunday night to force the man from the hotel room after a three-hour standoff. The man is charged with three counts of attempted capital murder.

Brian Tillerson, a manager at the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant, told the San Antonio Express-News that the man was angry the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone from 99 cents to $1.49 each.

The article above doesn’t mention the perp’s name but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was also a Sims. Consider the facts of the case:

1. The guy was at a Taco Bell (everybody knows I love Taco Bell).

2. He was angered by gratuitous price gouging ($1.49 for a beefy crunch?!).

3. He was packing an airsoft gun (I have one and I'm not afraid to use it).

**I should mention here that I draw the line at assault rifles and police standoffs.**

In all seriousness though, what is wrong with these two guys?! Their parents must have let them play with cap guns when they were kids. . . .

Best toys from my childhood #1

Cap guns

The cap gun wins for the best toy of my childhood. I spent much of my youth running around on imaginary adventures with one of these on my hip. The best type of cap gun was the revolver that took plastic ring caps. I also had guns that took roll caps but they took forever to load, and those frustrating paper caps didn't go off half the time. Whether I was a scurvy pirate, Indiana Jones, or just a cowboy shootin' some Injuns*, I always had at least one gun loaded and ready to fire. I have many fond memories of shoot outs with my brothers (which were often followed by heated debates over "who shot who first").

I realize that many people shy away from letting their children play with cap guns because they think the toys teach kids to be violent as adults. I believe that cap guns are harmless. I shot my own brothers in cold blood thousands of times as a kid and I haven't killed anyone in real life yet.

*Don't worry, I can say "Injun" without being racist because I'm 1/16 Native American. Put that in your peace pipe and smoke it, Paleface.

Well there you have it, the 10 best toys from my childhood. Tracking down and editing images of these toys proved to be a time consuming and sentimental process but I think it turned out pretty dang good. I would like to end this series by thanking my late grandfather, Charles Sims. He bought me pretty much everything on this list, and was the best grandpa a boy could ever have.

Best toys from my childhood #2

G.I. Joe action figures

Out of all my action figures, my G.I. Joes undoubtedly saw the most action. I remember building elaborate forts out of mud, sticks, and brush to set the stage for countless wars. While I loved these toys as a child, I didn't watch the cartoon. I actually think that this made playing with the action figures more fun because I had to imagine their backgrounds, voices, and relationships to one another.

By the end of their tour of duty many of these guys were missing limbs and some of them quite literally had their faces melted off. Apparently the Geneva Conventions don't apply when it comes to the war on Cobra.

Best toys from my childhood #3

Legos

If I was the type of person who used the expression "'nuff said," I would write those two words (one and a half words?) here and be done with this post. Of course, I am not that type of person (I actually hate that phrase) so instead I will say the following:

The enormous popularity of Legos throughout the past few decades suggests that most people are familiar with how completely awesome these toys are. That is all.

. . . .

Actually, I lied. I have one more thing to say. About two years ago I sold the space monorail set (pictured below) at a garage sale for about $10. The set was really neat and I don't know why I sold it. The train ran on a battery and actually went around the track on its own. While looking for photos to use in this post I ran across the same set being sold on Ebay. Apparently the space monorail is a rare toy and is currently being auctioned off with a starting bid of $599! I am NEVER having a garage sale again.

Best toys from my childhood #4

Star Wars action figures/lightsaber

The combination of creative costumes and unique weapons helped make these action figures super popular. Oh, and the fact that they were based on the most awesome movie trilogy of all time didn't hurt either. I had all the main characters and many of the large sets including the Ewok Village, Imperial Shuttle, and the Millennium falcon (with the super cool secret smuggling compartment!). My brother had the speeder bike that blew apart when you pushed a button and man, was I jealous.

The lightsaber pictured below was my "Holy Grail" of toys. I searched countless toy stores trying to find an official Star Wars lightsaber (which made a whistling sound when you swung it). I eventually tracked one down and it was everything I hoped it would be - until it promptly broke. I don't remember how this happened but I'm pretty sure it hurt one of my brothers more than it hurt me.

Best toys from my childhood #5

M.U.S.C.L.E. men

I LOVED these little pink plastic wrestlers. They came in clear bubble packs of 4, semi-transparent trash can packs of 10, and box sets of 28. The company also released a series of different colored wrestlers but I only liked the pink ones (which were more flexible and had a great, distinctive plastic smell). In order to collect them all you had to scour your local Toys "R" Us store, shaking and peering into the packages to find the figures you wanted. Out of all the toys listed in this series of posts, these are the ones I miss the most. If I ever win the lottery I swear I'll buy as many as I can get my hands on.

Despite my love of these little wrestlers, I never collected the full set. At some point my mom decided that the toys were Satanic and made me throw them all away. I'm glad the Devil never appeared and offered to trade some M.U.S.C.L.E. men for my soul. I don't think I would have agreed to the deal but I have to admit I would have come pretty damn close.

Best toys from my childhood #6

Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos

I honestly don't remember exactly why I loved these toys so much. They were rather large compared to other action figures and they were made up of squishy rubber heads attached to hard plastic bodies. All I know is that the toys were based on a ragtag band of karate fighters and ninjas, themed around the great Chuck Norris. Wait, what am I saying? These toys were AWESOME!

As a kid I didn't even know who Chuck Norris was, I just knew I had to have the action figures. This type of mind control is just another example of how diabolically badass Chuck Norris truly is.

Best toys from my childhood #7

Super Soakers/water balloons

The only reason water guns are so low on my list is that you could only play with them outside, during the summer. Despite these restrictions, Super Soakers and water balloons were a blast. I thoroughly enjoyed teaming up with any one of my brothers to ambush the other two with these water weapons. I came strapped with the Super Soaker 50 as my main water cannon and the more compact 30 as my backup pistol.

Water balloons were also a great way to soak your enemies (and piss off your parents if you accidentally dropped one inside the house). If you find yourself engaged in water combat in the future I offer you the following advice. Before you throw your water balloon, stretch the top part (where it's tied off) and bite a tiny hole. Pinch the hole so no water leaks out, and when you see your enemy fire away. Think of it as pulling out the pin of a grenade with your teeth before tossing it at your foe (at least that's what I used to imagine). This trick guarantees that your balloon will pop on impact. If you don't follow my advice your balloon may bounce off your target, allowing them to pick it up and throw it back at you - a truly humiliating experience.

Best toys from my childhood #8

M.A.S.K. action figures

These toys were bright and colorful and I loved the little snap-on helmets. Each character had their own removable mask to conceal their true identity. As if that wasn't cool enough, the vehicles/playsets transformed into kick-ass battle stations and fighter jets! Even after all these years I can still recall the theme song. Muh muh muh mask!

Best toys from my childhood #9

My Pet Monster

Your own personal pet monster. What's not to love? My Pet Monster was a huge stuffed animal, complete with corduroy horns and a set of moldy looking rubber teeth. To top it all off, the toy came with life-sized orange handcuffs that you could wear around your own wrists. The handcuffs were rigged so every time you pulled them apart the chain would "break" down the middle - making you feel like a badass monster yourself.

Best toys from my childhood #10

Koosh balls/super balls

Koosh balls made it at the end of the list because, while they may not be the most flashy and complicated toys, they were a lot of fun. They also smelled really good. Super balls were great because they were the only toy cheap enough that my parents would occasionally buy for me on a whim (they were $0.25). I loved those things but I was often too scared to bounce them in public because they got lost so easily.

Best toys from my childhood

Hello reader, you are in for a real treat! Over the next two weeks I will be posting photos and descriptions of my top 10 favorite childhood toys. I have ranked them in order and will start next Monday with number 10, posting one per weekday.

Please feel free to add your own input to these posts in the form of comments. You can try to guess which toys I will include in the list and/or give a shout-out to your own favorite toys from when you were a kid.

Top 5 discontinued snack items (+ worst ever)

1. DinaSour Eggs
2. Bubble Gum Cigarettes
3. Peanut Butter Handi-Snacks (with orange crackers)
4. The McDLT
5. Koala Springs sparkling lemonade

Worst: Crystal Pepsi

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Olfactory work results

Without further ado, I present you with the results of the Yale study I posted about last month.

The 20 Most Recognizable Smells in the US

1. Coffee

2. Peanut butter

3. Vicks VapoRub

4. Chocolate

5. Wintergreen oil

6. Baby powder

7. Cigarette butts

8. Mothballs

9. Dry cat food

10. Beer

11. Ivory bar soap

12. Juicy Fruit gum

13. Orange

14. Cinnamon

15. Lemon

16. Tuna

17. Banana

18. Crayons

19. Cheese

20. Bleach

NPR rant

The other day I tuned my radio to NPR and discovered (to my dismay) that they were smack in the middle of one of their pledge drives. For those of you that have not had the pleasure, basically their pledge drives consist of NPR radio personalities trying to make you feel guilty for listening to their station and not contributing money. While I find these segments annoying, I realize that they are a necessary evil for public radio. The problem arose when NPR took a break from its pledge drive to air some COMMERCIALS for Nissan and Progressive. Now I'm no genius but I was under the impression that the reason NPR has to beg for money periodically is because they are a public radio station, made possible by listeners like me. Okay, maybe not like me since I haven't contributed, but you get the idea. My point is, what the hell are commercials doing on this station?!

"But Ryan," you may be saying, "they aren't commercials. They're just shout-outs to companies that contribute money to the station." First of all you really shouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction. Secondly, bullshit. They are pre-recorded endorsements promoting specific corporate consumer products in exchange for money. If that's not a commercial I don't know what is.

Now don't get me wrong, I love NPR. It is a great radio station that provides a wealth of fascinating information. One of the reasons I love it, however, is for its balanced approach to news. If they continue to accept corporate sponsorship they run the risk of becoming biased towards their investors. I understand that the economy is bad and money is scarce (which is why I haven't contributed to their programming yet). I just worry that they are going down a dark road. Also, the fact that they're taking breaks in their PLEDGE DRIVES to air commercials is just plain insulting.

So pull yourself together NPR. You're on notice.

Homeslice

My sandwich bread is trying to friend me on Facebook. Maybe the world is going to end in 2012.

That's Mr. Baals to you

No joke: Ex-mayor's name too funny for Ind. center

Associated Press (article excerpt) - February 8, 2011

A former Indiana mayor who won four terms in the 1930s and 1950s is proving less popular with modern-day city leaders, who say they probably won't name a new government center for him because of the jokes his moniker could inspire.

Harry Baals is the runaway favorite in online voting to name the new building in Fort Wayne, about 120 miles northeast of Indianapolis. But Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said that probably won't be enough to put the name of the city's longest-tenured mayor on the center.

"We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that," Malloy said Tuesday in a statement to The Associated Press.

An online site taking suggestions for names showed more than 1,000 votes Tuesday for the Harry Baals Government Center. That's more than three times the votes received by the closest contender.

Olfactory work

I have in my possession the results of a Yale University study that lists the "20 most recognizable smells in the United States." I am going to post the list on my blog sometime in the near future. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to guess what is on the list. Share your answers by commenting on this post and we'll see who comes closest to the results of the study.

P.S. I want to establish once and for all that you do not need to create a Google account to post comments on this blog (see below).



To comment on a post click the "comments" link beneath the post you want to write about. Type your comment into the text box and select "Name/URL" as your identity. Type your name in the "Name" box and hit "publish your comment." Congratulations, your typings will now be posted into the matrix of the interwebs.  Now get commentin'!

Photography

Hey everybody, I got a rad new camera and a Flickr account. Visit www.flickr.com/ryandangersims to see my latest work.

Myths debunked!

I recently purchased Armchair Reader: The Book of Myths and Misconceptions. I love this book because it reminds me of the stuff I used to buy at the Scholastic Book Fair when I was in elementary school. The reader is filled with popular myths and fascinating trivia. I've been taking notes while I read in order to post the most interesting information on this blog. Here are some of my favorites.

* Contrary to popular belief, hair and nails do not continue to grow after a person dies. When we die our bodies dehydrate and our skin shrinks, giving the illusion that our nails and hair are still growing.

* A mother bird will not abandon her baby if she smells evidence of human touch. Most birds have little or no sense of smell.

* A penny dropped from the top of the Empire State Building would not kill a person. Some of the speed that the penny picked up through the force of gravity would be negated by air resistance. The most damage it could cause would be a small cut.

* Lobsters do not scream in pain when dropped into boiling water. Lobsters have no vocal cords and lack the receptors to feel what humans call "pain." The sound that is caused by boiling them is from air trapped under the lobster's shell that expands rapidly and escapes through small openings.

Wise wisdom

I heard this the other day and I really like it:

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

Gate rant

Okay, so you know those gates that guard "gated communities" like apartment complexes and condos? I have an opinion about those gates.

Let's say you are going to rob a house.* The gates are not a deterrent. All you would have to do is wait in your moving van until some sucker comes along to enter the code and let you in. Imagine, however, how stressful it would be to have to wait for someone to enter a code to let you out. Configuring the gates this way would also be better for emergencies. Usually emergency responders have to manually pull the gates open, wasting precious seconds or even minutes. If the gates opened without a code on the way in, there would be no delay in treatment.

*Note to current and future employers: This is a hypothetical situation. I have no intention of committing grand larceny. I may consider petty larceny if I can't afford to buy food, but really employer, whose fault is that?

I've been living a lie

Like anyone with half a brain, I've devoted my entire life to following my horoscope. Every morning I check my forecast and strictly adhere to every warning and suggestion. Imagine my horror then when I discovered that I've been following the wrong instructions! Apparently, in the 3,000 years since the start of astrology, the Earth's tilt has changed. I've been skipping through life thinking I was a weird schizophrenic man-twin (Gemini) when I am in fact a moderately priced mid-sized sedan (Taurus).

While I'm shocked that the scientific geniuses who follow astrology didn't figure this out sooner, I'm happy to be finally living my life according to my true path. Check out the new horoscope dates.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

Pisces: March 11- April 18

Aries: April 18- May 13

Taurus: May 13- June 21

Gemini: June 21- July 20

Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Here are my (old and new) life instructions for today according to horoscope.com. Click the image if you would like to make it larger.

If I hadn't learned my correct sign I'd be spending my day talking with friends and sharing a romantic evening with my partner like a sucker. Instead I'm off to buy a bunch of crap to decorate my apartment and adopt a pack of wayward pit bulls!

Guinness rant

If I had a Guinness for every time somebody told me that drinking Guinness "weighs them down," or that they can only drink one or two because they "get too full" I would be dead (from alcohol poisoning). Guinness Draught has only 125 calories per 12 ounce serving. To give you a reference for comparison, Budweiser has 145 calories and Coors has 149. Guinness is practically a light beer people!

Happy New Year!

I've added a "randomizer" to my blog for the new year (see top left column). Clicking the link will bring up a random post from the More Rants than Raves archives. If you click it and it brings up this post, you win $1,000,000!*

*Not really.

You like-a the pepper?

Behold the Naga Viper, the hottest pepper in the world. It was recently created by a British dude who crossbred three of the hottest peppers known to man. The Naga Viper measures 1,359,000 on the Scoville scale. To give you an idea of how hot that is, jalapeños rate around 5,000 on the scale and habaneros max out at 350,000.

Why didn't I think of that?

Check out these cool new inventions.

When I'm 64

You're already singing the song in your head, aren't you? Well snap out of it because this is important. I'm 32 which means I'm halfway to 64. I have decided to make a list of 64 things I'm going to do by the time I turn 64. Here they are in no particular order (I crossed off the ones I've already done).

1. Go on an African safari
2. Scuba/snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef
3. Take gourmet cooking classes
4. Go to Octoberfest in Munich
5. Go skydiving
6. Get a straight razor shave and a shoe shine
7. Stand on a glacier
8. Fire an automatic machine gun
9. Gamble in Vegas
10. Go to a pro wrestling match or NASCAR race
11. Learn to play a musical instrument
12. Ride a horse
13. Spend a romantic night in Paris
14. Go cliff jumping/cliff diving
15. Be an extra on a film or TV show
16. Drive a Lamborghini
17. Take a cruise
18. See the pyramids of Egypt
19. Marry a hot girl
20. Plant a tree
21. Sing karaoke in a crowded bar
22. Participate in an organized run (5k, 10k, etc.)
23. Trek through the Amazon jungle
24. Brew my own beer
25. Go parasailing
26. See Mount Rushmore
27. Call into a radio talk show
28. Learn a proper ballroom dance
29. Have kids
30. Ride in a hot air balloon
31. Gamble in Atlantic City
32. Fly in a helicopter
33. Quit a crappy job
34. Party in New Orleans
35. Drive a motorcycle
36. Dine on champagne and caviar
37. Perform a stand-up comedy act
38. Learn to surf
39. Take a martial arts class
40. Swim with sharks
41. Buy a house
42. Spot bears in Yellowstone National Park
43. Take my wife to Bora Bora
44. Go paintballing
45. Go whitewater rafting
46. Drink a Guinness at a pub in Ireland
47. Ride a mechanical bull
48. Volunteer for a good cause
49. Look down from the top of the Empire State building
50. Watch a movie at a drive-in
51. Attend the Olympics or the Super Bowl
52. Learn to drive a stick shift
53. Get into a fistfight
54. Take a trip with all three of my brothers
55. Learn a second language
56. Complete a "food challenge" at restaurant
57. Go to the circus
58. Party in an all inclusive resort
59. Travel the U.S. in an RV
60. Smoke a Cuban cigar
61. Map my family tree
62. Stay up all night and watch the sunrise
63. Go deep sea fishing
64. Explore the ruins at Machu Picchu

I am committed to completing this list in the next 32 years, and I can't wait to do it! I encourage everyone to make their own list. It's a lot of fun and makes you excited about the future. When you're done be sure to submit your list as a comment and share the awesome things that lie in store for you!

Superstitions

Unlucky 13

Some experts think that this belief might have started with the Last Supper in the Bible, where there were 13 people at the table. Judas, the apostle w­ho betrayed Jesus, was the 13th member of the party to arrive. Also, Jesus was crucified on a Friday (which may have helped contribute to Friday the 13th being such a feared day).

Knock on wood

Ancient people couldn’t understand why some trees stayed green all year and others lost their leaves. They thought some trees must have supernatural powers. For that reason, they would knock on trees to get their attention.

Don’t spill salt

At one time, salt was very valuable. To spill any was believed to bring bad luck. People also thought that evil spirits lived in the left side of the body. If a person spilled salt, he or she would try to please the evil spirits by throwing salt in their direction.

Cross your fingers

This custom began as a sort of shortcut for people making the sign of the Christian cross. People believed the cross protected them from evil or bad luck.

Broken mirrors

In ancient times, people believed that their reflection in the water or in glass was really their “other self.” They thought that if you disturbed this image, you would bring bad luck. Ancient Romans believed that life is renewed every seven years. This is where we got the idea of seven years bad luck if we break a mirror, disturbing our reflection.

Walking under a ladder

This belief might be traced to the fact that a ladder leaned against a wall forms a triangle. To many Christian people, the triangle stands for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. If you walked under a ladder, you would break the triangle and bring bad luck.

Source: The Orange County Register's "Mini Page"

Impressive impressions

Check out these impressions of Denzel Washington and Will Smith by new SNL cast member Jay Pharoah. Awesome!

Settling the score

While I'm not what you would call a "sports fan," I do love to watch football. I have been a fan of the San Diego Chargers for nine years now and I have to say it has been a roller coaster of emotion.

So far this season has been a major disappointment. In fact, I was so frustrated by their performance that I went out and bought Madden NFL 11 in order to take matters into my own hands. I am happy to report that although the Chargers you see on TV are 2-4, my Chargers team is sitting pretty at 5-1. It's sad when you have a better time watching video game football than you do watching the real thing.

Fried possum!

Yesterday I ate lunch at a diner off Highway 101. While perusing the menu I noticed that they offered a meal called the "Road Kill Scramble." I tried to order it (because I'm such a manly man) but the waitress informed me that the entree was fake. Although my dream of eating a possum/squirrel was crushed (at least for now), I have to give the restaurant credit for their commitment to the joke. It's on the permanent menu and they even assigned it a price.

Top 5 albums (+ worst ever)

1. 40oz. to Freedom (Sublime)
2. From a Basement on the Hill (Elliott Smith)
3. Workingman's Dead (Grateful Dead)
4. Hot Fuss (The Killers)
5. Mutations (Beck)

Worst: Time, Love and Tenderness (Michael Bolton)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Public servant arrested in Washington state

Disoriented 'superhero' arrested in motorhome

Associated Press - October 5, 2010

Police who responded to a report of a prowler at a motorhome in Washington state found a "superhero" inside.

Commander Jim Rich told KITI-AM the man in a Green Power Ranger costume appeared lost and disoriented and apparently had been drinking.

Rich says the 28-year-old Centralia man apparently was dropped off by some friends at the wrong house after a weekend party. He was arrested for investigation of trespassing.

Funny blurbs

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me." - Stephen Colbert

"I went into a shoe store and I said, 'Uh, hey can I get those in a 10?' The guy said, 'sure' and he went in the back. Then a couple minutes later he came out and he goes, 'I don't have a 10, I have a 9.' Great, 'cause while you were in the back, my toes were severed off. Normally it would be stupid for you to say a number different than what we agreed on, but given my recent accident you're right on." - Demetri Martin

"At the Olive Garden, they like to say, 'When you're here, you're family.' It's true. I showed up with a date, and the hostess said, 'We think you could do better.'" - Aparna Nancherla

You can see my Halo? Well, this is awkward. . . .

According to a recent study from the University of Rochester, violent first-person shooter video games can help players make decisions faster in real life. The researchers chose to study these games because, "Unlike standard learning paradigms, which have a highly specific solution, there is no such specific solution in action video games because situations are rarely, if ever, repeated." Pretty interesting stuff.

I know the results of the study are true because I make all my decisions at lightning speed. To give you an example I've typed out my thought process over the last couple of days.

Q: Should I do lesson planning for my class or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

Q: Should I get a good night's sleep or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

Q: Should I go outside and enjoy the day or play Halo?

A: Play Halo.

See how video games improve your life?

Top 5 best things about my new car (+ worst ever)

1. Automatic transmission
2. Unlike my old car, the air conditioning, driver side door lock, 2nd gear, reverse gear, glove compartment hatch, left break light, heating vents, windshield wipers, driver side mirror, seat belts, window seals, passenger side door hinge, interior handles, parking break, and engine, all function properly
3. That new car smell
4. Comfortable seats
5. Stereo with CD and iPod input

Worst: Driving like a grandma because I don't want to wreck it

Who said video games are a waste of time?

i.am impressed

I'm the first to admit that the hip hop group, Black Eyed Peas are kind of annoying. Their songs are repetitive and I would be happy if I never had to hear old "Fergalicious" croak out another tune for the rest of my life. Imagine my surprise, then, when I found out that Will.i.am (one of the group's members) is a completely awesome human being.

I was flipping channels the other day and saw him on Oprah giving out houses. I don't mean that I saw him asking for money to help his charity.  I don't mean that I saw him saying that his record label was putting up some money to help people in need.  I mean that Will.i.am gave $350,000 of his own money to pay off the mortgages of two families that were going to lose their houses because of the current economic crisis.

He was super shy and he didn't make a big deal out of it (the segment on the show was very short).  He just came out and said, "I don’t dream to be like mega, crazy rich. I just wanna be able to create, make music, and help people when they need it."  He said that instead of asking people to donate money, he figured he would just put up his own.  What a cool guy.


Will.i.am (right) hangin' with Wolverine

Shadiest barista ever

If you've been keeping up with this blog, you know that I have a love-hate relationship with Starbucks.  I was reminded of this today when I went to the Starbucks by my house and ordered a medium-sized cup of Pike Place Roast (yes, I know that at Starbucks a medium is called "grande" but I'm simplifying for the purposes of this post and, honestly, typing words like "vinte" make me feel like an idiotic snob).

Anyway, after taking my payment the barista turned and proceeded to fill my cup with Anniversary Blend. I repeated that I wanted Pike Place Roast and he confirmed that he was giving me just that. I then pointed out that I saw him pour me a cup out of Anniversary Blend. He then conceded and said that the Pike Place was empty and that I would have to wait a few minutes for them to brew a new batch.  At this point I realized that this shady-ass barista was trying to trick me into taking the wrong type of coffee because it was easier for him to do this rather than brew more. 

I would like to stop here and point out that even though I may sound like a diva/asshole I was actually being really courteous to the guy (saying things like, "Oh, it's my fault.  I guess the labels on the coffee machines must be mixed up.").  I wasn't trying to be rude to him, I just wanted to get the coffee I asked for.

Anyway, back to the story.  I told him that it was no problem for me to wait and then asked if I would be getting my coffee for free (again, not because I'm an asshole, but because their company policy is to give you a free drink whenever you have to wait for it to brew).  He thought about it for a second and then agreed.  He said something like, "Sure, I got you man.  Don't worry about it, it's on us."  He then started to wait on the next customer.  The problem with this is that I had already paid for the coffee.

So basically, the barista tried to trick me twice.  First, he tried to give me the wrong coffee (and lied to me about it).  Second, he tried to give me a "free" drink that I already paid for.  Eventually I got a free coffee out of the deal and a (hopefully) amusing story, but I have to say that I have never seen such a shady-ass barista in my life.

P.S. I know this photo is kind of out of place but I thought it was nice.

I've seen the future, and it's badical

I recently watched Back to the Future II and I couldn't help but get excited about the changes that are slated to occur over the next few years. For those of you who haven't seen it in a while, a large part of the movie takes place in the year 2015 which apparently is going to be chock full of flying cars, hydrating pizza ovens, and ravenous holographic sharks.

Wait, now that I think about it these things will never be a reality. I say this because according to another movie I watched, we are all going to die in the year 2012 (well, everyone except John Cusack). Man I hope that's not true. Not because I hate John Cusack (although I do kind of hate John Cusack), but because I can't stand the thought of leaving this earth without getting my hands on a hoverboard. I've been looking forward to it for years!

Luckily, there is one futuristic luxury that you can enjoy now (if you can find one). It's called the "Coca-Cola Freestyle Beverage Machine," and while it doesn't feature an interactive video projection of Michael Jackson, it does offer 106 different beverage choices available at the push of a button. They have one of these at a Subway I go to and it is truly badical in every sense of the word. If you find one I dare you to order a "Caffeine-free Diet Raspberry Coke." I don't even want to think about what that tastes like.

The Wendy's in Waltham, MA is goin' off!

World's most industrious hobo

I usually don't post two news articles in a row but I had to make an exception for this.

Homeless man breaks into abandoned bar, begins selling alcohol

CNN (article excerpt) - July 23, 2010

A homeless man allegedly broke into a California bar and served drinks to unsuspecting patrons all weekend -- before police came calling.

The bar, called the Valencia Club, had gone out of business for some time and its liquor license had expired, police said this week.

But the suspect, Travis Lloyd Kevie, 29, somehow got into the California establishment in the Penryn area of Sacramento Valley last week. He reopened the bar using beer he bought from a nearby store.

Kevie allegedly started with a six-pack of beer and used money he received to buy more alcohol.

He kept the bar open for a weekend serving about 30 customers a day, authorities said.

He was so successful that a local newspaper did a story about the bar reopening.

"When Detective Hudson arrived at the Valencia Club it was open for business with customers bellied up to the bar. Upon questioning Kevie Detective Hudson determined that he had no connection to the property and he did not have a liquor license," the department said.

The newspaper, the Auburn Journal, that ran the story about the new "bar owner", reported that Kevie was arraigned on a single misdemeanor charge Thursday and ordered released from jail.

I can't get enough of these Australians

What do you do when you get kicked out of a pub for being too drunk? Why, break into the zoo and ride a crocodile, of course!

Australian bitten while trying to sit on crocodile

Associated Press - July 13, 2010

A man ejected from a pub in Australia broke into a zoo and climbed onto the back of a crocodile named Fatso, which bit him on the leg but then let him go. Police said they're surprised the croc didn't inflict worse damage. The 36-year-old man, who police said had just been thrown out of a pub for being drunk, told officials he scaled the barbed wire fence surrounding the Broome Crocodile Park in remote northwest Australia on Monday night because he wanted to give the 16-foot Fatso a pat.

"He has attempted to sit on its back and the croc has taken offense to that and has spun around and bit him on the right leg," Broome Police Sgt. Roger Haynes said.

The saltwater crocodile then inexplicably let the man go, and he climbed back over the fence to safety, police said.

The man, who was a tourist from eastern Australia and whose name was not released, suffered some "very nasty lacerations" and was taken to a hospital, Haynes said.

"Saltwater crocodiles ... once they get hold of you, are not renowned for letting you go," Haynes said. "He's lucky to have escaped with his life."

Saltwater crocodiles are the world's largest reptile and can grow up to 23 feet (7 meters). They have become increasingly common in Australia's tropical north since hunting that almost extinguished the species was banned in 1971.

Ambigrams

The titles of the book, CD, and movie seen below all read exactly the same when flipped upside down.







Inconceivable!

Top 5 retail fireworks (+ worst ever)

1. M-80s
2. Roman Candles
3. Smoke Bombs
4. Firecrackers
5. Snakes (black pellets)

Worst: Party Poppers

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!