Pine whine

City's 'ugly' Christmas tree prompts public outcry
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 22, 2014

A Christmas tree that might make Charlie Brown think twice is getting kicked to the curb a little early after residents of a Pennsylvania town complained it was too ugly.

Reading's spindly 50-foot spruce drew the ire of residents who said it was ruining their holiday spirit.

Now a group led by the city council president is raising money to buy and decorate a more impressive replacement. The current tree is topped with a lighted pretzel, a nod to the area's many bakeries.

A tale of woe

Check out the message written on this hot sauce packet.



I realize that the guys in Taco Bell’s ad department are forced to “think outside the bun” in order to come up with creative ads, but they are clearly not considering the consequences of their actions. Take this true story for example.

A friend of mine’s wife found one of these packets in his coat pocket one morning. She kicked him out (after 20 years of marriage!) and he had nowhere to go (we’re really not that good of friends).

That night he started sleeping in his business office. One morning his boss came in early and caught him dry humping the copy machine. The guy explained that he was "lonely" but his boss was unsympathetic and fired him on the spot. Now he lives on the street.

And you want to know the worst part of this story? The only job he could get after being fired was at Taco Bell. Oh the irony!

Potent quotables

Every month Reader’s Digest publishes a selection of “Quotable Quotes.” The list usually contains some quality quotations, mixed with other quotes whose “quotability” could be called into question. One example of a questionable quote is the following advice given by Amelia Earhart:

DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THE GOAL IS WORTH THE RISKS INVOLVED. IF IT IS, STOP WORRYING.

Yeah, I’m going to take advice on risk assessment from a woman who disappeared off of the face of the earth while pursuing her goal.

The most ridiculous quote of the month is from an artist named Michele Oka Doner:

THE CLOSED FIST RECEIVES NOTHING.

It sounds like something Confucius would say after having one too many Zimas. I added a few alternative conclusions to the quote.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But it does pack a hellofa punch.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Unless you balance something carefully on top of it.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Also, there is no such thing as an “open fist.”

The closed fist receives nothing.
And even if it could receive something I still wouldn’t give you any money, you dirty hippy.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But the open hand can receive a truly rad high five.

Me want cookie!

My son and I are smack in the middle of a "boys weekend!" My wife and daughter are out of town, so my son and I are having fun doing lots of manly stuff. This morning we went to the grocery store and then we went shoe shopping. Next on the agenda: baking cookies! In the spirit of manliness, here are some photos of cool looking cookies from pastry chef Amber Spiegel.

Street sweeper rant

Every week my neighbors and I engage in a sort of vehicular ballet, moving cars from one side of the street to the other in order to avoid a street sweeping ticket. The most irritating part is that the sweeper doesn't do a damn thing. The vehicle zooms past my house, stirs up dirt from my gutter, and shoots it out into the street. While the sweeper is doing it's dirty business, meter maids and meter manservants (the male version of a maid is a "manservant"-I looked it up) drive through the neighborhood handing out $50 tickets like they're going out of style.

Growing up, I never had a street sweeper come by my house. Every week my father would go out and dig a pathway through waist-high trash so that I could walk to school. When I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I didn't wish for a Teddy Ruxpin, I wished for the "trash fairy" to come and sweep away the filth from my front yard. Now that I'm an adult, however, I have realized that there are things worse than trash. And those things are dirty rotten street sweepers.

Mo coupons mo problems

I have been playing the Monopoly game at McDonald’s lately (by “playing” I mean tearing paper off of food containers, and by “McDonald’s” I mean DON’T JUDGE ME). I recently got two coupons for free food, but I was told I could only use "one coupon per person.”



I know I can use both coupons if there are two people in my car, but how does McDonald's know I’m not going to eat all the food myself? What if the only other person in my car is my baby? Does a baby count? They can’t eat solid food, but they are still human beings. Even McDonald’s has to admit that babies are human beings. Does the passenger in my car even have to be human? People treat their dogs better than humans. What if I genuinely want to feed my dog a Big Mac?!*

*If you think I'm a monster for feeding my dog fast food, please consider that he is on his deathbed with hours to live and has always wanted a Bic Mac even though all I ever fed him was expensive vegan dog food and kale juice shakes. Now who’s the monster?

Twenty tweets two

Twenty more original jokes!

Way to go, man!

Man's ashes to be scattered in fireworks display
Associated Press (article excerpt) - October 22, 2014

A Missouri funeral director is sending his father out with a bang. His father's ashes, anyway.

Greenlawn Funeral Homes will hold its first Firework Memorial program on Saturday night, when fireworks packed with James Carver's cremated remains will be launched skyward as part of his family's goodbye.

Carver's family is the first to try Greenlawn's new program. His son is funeral director Jim Carver, who says his father, who died in 2008, loved watching fireworks and would appreciate the unusual send off. The family will follow the eight-minute fireworks display with a cookout and memorial celebration.

Twenty tweets

Now that I'm more active on Twitter, I've realized how ephemeral the medium is (now that's some fancy talk!). I'm just making a guess here, but I'd wager that most people don't look past the most recent 20 tweets or so on anyone's account. I work really hard on creating original jokes to post and I would hate to have my little nuggets of humor (wait, scratch that, let's say "comedic gems") get lost in the flock (get it?). In order to prevent this I have decided to post my tweets on this blog in batches of 20 (jokes only-no mentions or hashtag game entries). If you like this stuff (and honestly, who wouldn't?) be sure to follow me on Twitter! (I used a lot of parentheses in this post!)

Business is business (whatever that means)

Check out this business card that was left in my mailbox! I don’t know what’s better, the fact that you can hire cats to move your furniture, or that a guy named Johnnie Bravo is running the company.

Speaking of business cards, I recently had some printed. The message isn't the same when viewing the card in a digital format, but you get the idea.

Emo? Gee!

After some careful reflection I realized that I got way too excited about emojis in my last post. Instead of using them in every future post, I have decided to use a shitload of them in this post, and then probably never use them again. Let's get this out of my system.



(Emojis from getemoji.com.)

⚡Super Chargers!⚡

I have to take a second here to brag about my favorite football team. The Chargers are on a five game win streak and are looking great for the playoffs! I've hung in there through thick and thin for over 13 years and it looks like I'm finally going to see them get their due. To celebrate, here are some drawings by Pixar animator (and Chargers fan), Bobby Rubio.





He even drew quarterback Phillip Rivers in his signature bolo tie!



P.S. Did you see the emojis in my title?! I'm going to use those damn things every time I post from now on! It really classes up the post, don't you think?! This calls for more exclamation points!!!


!

Who's The Man?

I recently came across a test that determines whether a person is a narcissist. It's called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and you can take it for yourself here. (Time Saving Hint: If you are super excited about taking the test because it is all about you, then you're probably a narcissist.)

I scored a 19 on the test, which means that I got the highest possible score without being a narcissist. Best score ever! Frankly I'm not surprised because I am excellent at everything I do. (I even scored a 0 in the vanity category, which means I'm even great at being humble!)



What was surprising to me was that the average is so low. My theory is that the test was created by The Man to keep the population in line. If you analyze the data it looks like the "correct" answers include statements such as "I prefer to blend in with the crowd" and "I don't mind following orders." Damn The Man!

FYI, I did a quick Google Image search for The Man and came up with the following results. Keep your eyes peeled!

Face wig

Tyra has really outdone herself this time. The current cycle of ANTM is possibly the most ridiculous yet (and that is saying A LOT). I haven’t watched the show in a long time but I was totally blown away when I tuned in to see a male model’s makeover. Tyra gave him something she called a “beard weave.” The stylist basically glued a strip of rat hair to the guy's face and called it a day.



They recently tried to fix it and I think it actually got worse.

Two-timing timer

My kitchen timer has been cheating on me! My timer is a pretty unique item, given to my wife and I for a wedding present seven years ago. As far as I know the timer is no longer on the market. So imagine my surprise when I was flipping through the pages of Reader’s Digest (not while on the toilet, btw) and I came across an article featuring a photo of my kitchen timer taking part in some type of culinary orgy! There he was, squished at the bottom of a sexy food stack, slathered in oil.





I know some of you might be asking why I'm referring to my timer as a “he” and not a “she.” First of all, I checked and he is definitely a he (and yes, the carpet matches the drapes). Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you are insisting that my timer is a girl. Why would you assume that? Because the timer spends its life in the KITCHEN? Real nice.

Now, I know he has a lot of free time on his hands (get it—time?), but I am concerned. To be honest, I'm scared that he's going to make the same mistake as other kitchen accessories before him. Just look at that teacup from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.



Last I heard, Chip was working as a crunk chalice. And you can bet he isn’t briming over with tea, if you know what I mean.

My rental car is a fascist

I’m driving a rental car right now and it is trying to control my life. The car is equipped with this thing called “MyKey” which limits the speed you can drive and the volume you can play the radio. It even goes so far as to shut down the stereo if you aren’t wearing a seatbelt, commanding you to "buckle up” in order for it to turn your music back on.

Gambling to the rescue!

Slot Machine Saves German Gambler As Police Arrive
Associated Press - September 25, 2014

A gambler in Germany has been saved from prison by a one-armed bandit.

Police said Thursday that two officers carrying out routine checks at an arcade in the western city of Bochum late last week discovered that a man playing a slot machine faced an arrest warrant.

He had been ordered to pay a $910 fine or go to prison for 71 days after resisting police during a previous incident.

Police say that as officers informed the man that he faced arrest, the slot machine started to flash and the beaming 37-year-old won a jackpot of about $1,300.

The man paid his fine on the spot — in cash.

Karma's a b word, y'all

I got a couple of tiny Moleskine notebooks to carry around with me so that whenever I have a brilliant idea I can write it down. While I don't actually know how many moles were skinned (skine-ed?) to make the notebooks, they are pretty sleek. I like that each notebook has a handy "in case of loss" section.

Who's the beef?

Domino's Pizza is now featuring cows on their pizza boxes. How cute! I wonder which one "helped" with the ground beef?



I hope it was Edna. That heifer looks delicious.

The secret

Feeling sad, insecure, scared, confused, worried, sick, stinky, dumb, and poor? It has been proven that pushing the button located on this page* will cure your ills!

*(along with participating in years of intensive therapy, getting a full medical evaluation, taking a good long bath, going back to school, and winning the lottery)

I got 99 beers in a case that's one

A small Texas brewery called Austin Beerworks has created a 99-pack of their "Peacemaker Ale." The case of beer is 7 feet long and weighs 82 pounds!



My plan is to get one of these 99-packs, tape an additional beer to the side of the case, and BAM! I will have created the 100-pack. Somebody call Guinness World Records!

Love

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary! My wife and I have been together for over 17 years and I love her so much. In honor of our anniversary I have decided to give you the secret to a long and happy marriage.

You know those cheesy stories that you read where couples leave each other little notes everywhere and then one of them kicks the bucket and the other one finds a note in a special place and then they break down in tears while searching for a pen to write down their story to send to Reader’s Digest? Well it’s kind of like that. Except instead of leaving notes, I leave my wife heart-shaped cutouts from magazines featuring dudes she is not attracted to. Then when she finds the photo, I deny that I had anything to do with it and accuse her of clipping the photo herself as a keepsake (because she is so in love with the guy). Talk about keeping the fire alive!

Joel McHale recorded my outgoing voicemail

I finally got around to posting the outgoing message that Joel McHale recorded on my cell. I had to take it off my phone because apparently it's considered "unprofessional" when your boss calls and gets a message wherein a celebrity refers to you as a "douchebag."

S in a bag

I was going through an old box of books from my childhood and I have to admit that I was kind of impressed. There were a lot of classics, mixed with some cool science and reference books. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I opened one of the books up.

Check out the "art" I added to the text. Is that a turd with a cherry on top?!

Someone can't "let it go"

Frozen Free Fall is a match-3 puzzle game themed around the movie Frozen. While you play, various characters from the movie look out at you from the top of the screen, reacting to the moves that you make. The most dynamic character is Anna. At first she is so encouraging and sweet, looking out at you with her big Disney eyes as if to say, "you're doing so well! Is there anything you can't do? BTW, I think I'm in love with you."

Then you lose. At this point Anna's expression turns to one of disgrace and shame. It's as if she's saying, "I guess I was wrong about you. I thought you were man enough to do this, but now I see that you're just a sad little turd."



P.S. Please excuse the shaky, Cloverfield-style videography. I barely had time to record the video, let alone set up a freaking tripod and shit.

WWHJOD?

378 people 'pay it forward' at Fla. Starbucks
Associated Press - August 21, 2014

A woman started an act of kindness chain that lasted for hours at a Starbucks drive-thru in Florida.

She ordered an iced coffee around 7 a.m. Wednesday in St. Petersburg and asked to pay for the caramel macchiato for the stranger in the car behind her. He returned the favor. The chain kept going as employees began keeping count.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the chain finally ended around 6 p.m. when customer number 379 pulled up and ordered a regular coffee. Barista Vu Nguyen leaned out the window and explained the chain that started earlier in the day, asking if she'd like to participate. She declined, saying she only wanted to pay for her coffee.

Nguyen says he doesn't believe she understood the concept of paying it forward.

. . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .

My first reaction to this article was, “wow that is so cool!”

My second reaction was, “man that #379 person was a dick.”

My third reaction was, “wait, so everybody paid for the drink(s) for the car behind them? What if you ordered a regular coffee and the van behind you was picking up 12 lattes for their co-workers? You're just supposed to give in to peer pressure and fork over $50?! Screw that, I'm with you #379!"

My fourth reaction was, “what part did Haley Joel Osment play in all of this? I bet this is all his fault."

My fifth reaction was, "I can’t believe I’ve blogged about HJO twice on this blog." That's right, I'm calling him HJO now. If I'm going to be blogging about him on the regular I figure I'd better shorten his name.

Spoiler alert: they escape

I just watched Escape Plan and it was better than I thought it would be, which you can take to mean:

A. I thought it was going to be terrible and it turned out to be okay.
B. I thought it was going to be great and it was even better than I expected.
C. The statement "better than I thought it would be" is as useless as Schwarzenegger taking an acting class, which you can take to mean:

A. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is the best actor ever.
B. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is a terrible actor and will never get better.
C. Can you just give me the answers? I am really bad at tests.

The movie takes place in "the most secure prison ever built," and I have to say that the facility is very impressive - even the toothpaste is maximum security! Plaque has nowhere to run to.



An interesting side note is that the inmates are apparently allowed a shaving razor. I am assuming that the razor doesn't have a blade and that the hair removal takes place via friction (after a few hours of intense rubbing).

Cheat sheet

There are certain facts that I feel I should know, but I can never remember. Here are a few:

What is the approximate population of the United States?
There are about 318 million people living in the US.

I know penguins and polar bears don't live in the same location, but which ones live where?
Penguins live in the southern hemisphere and polar bears live in the northern hemisphere (except for in zoos and Coke commercials, of course).

How many countries are there in the world?
The answer is up for debate, but by most accounts there are 196 countries in the world.

You do the math

A recent survey found that 65% of Americans still believe the theory that people only use 10% of their brains, even though the theory is 100% false.

Note: The 10% brain theory does apply to many celebrities.

Don't say he didn't warn ya

Massachusetts man tells police that only guns at possible crime scene are his biceps
United Press International (article excerpt) - July 30, 2014

Some Massachusetts police officers bought themselves "tickets to the gun show" when they arrived at a Northampton home to check out a call about a firearm on the premises.

When a man came to the door to respond to the charge, he informed officers that the only "guns" in the house were his biceps.

The 53-year-old man then busted the guns out to flex for the officers, the Daily Hampshire Gazette reported.

Police said the man appeared intoxicated, but he was not charged with anything.

My toddler has super powers

A random joke

A crying woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and says, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says, "Not again. . . ."

Tips for having a garage sale

We're taking part in a friend's garage sale this weekend. I consider myself something of a garage sale expert (I've been involved in at least 20) and thought I would share my sage wisdom on how to conduct a proper sale.

• When you go out to put up signs, bring a marker so you can draw arrows pointing toward your house. Don’t write the arrows beforehand or you’ll have less flexibility about where you can post the signs.

• Don’t forget to advertise on Craigslist. The site isn’t as popular as it once was but a lot of people still use it to find garage sales.

• Make sure you get lots of small bills and coins from the bank so you can give change. Also have some type of money belt or box to keep the cash in so it will be safe and confined to one area.

• Get a bunch of stickers that are different colors and assign a price to each sticker (red = $0.50, yellow = $1.00, etcetera). You don’t have to write the price on each sticker, just know how much money each color represents. Stick these on as many items as you can before the event. This saves a lot of time and stress during the garage sale because you won’t have to answer as many pricing questions about small items (giving you time to negotiate with people on the large sale items).

• Set up as many tables as you can. Your stuff will look a lot better displayed on a table than it will spread out on a lawn or a curb.

• Have as much set up in advance as you can. The most serious garage sale customers come very early and will be loitering around. You want to be able to interact with them and not ignore them while frantically setting out your stuff.

One final note. If you aren't sure whether or not you want to sell something do not put it out on the lawn. You may get caught up in the moment and sell the item only to regret it later. If you decide at a later date that you really don't want the item, don't worry. You can always have another garage sale!

Third time's a charm

Click the image below to listen to the program I was on. You can hear the whole broadcast by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of the NPR page.

I come on the air at the 7:10 mark.

Terrible but so damn funny!

I'm number one!

I am officially on top of an online leaderboard! Okay so there are only four people ranked so far but I have never been higher than like a billion on one of these things so it's a big deal. The game is called Beyond Gravity and it is a legit title (from the makers of Bike Baron on iOS). I know my reign at the top will be short, but I'm enjoying every second.

Stacks on stacks of apps on apps

I had a lot of problems with my Kindle Fire HDX (long story). I ended up returning my Kindle and getting a Nexus 7 tablet. I am SO HAPPY with my Nexus and love that I now have access to the Google Play Store! Here are my favorite apps so far. I listed the names on the bottom in case you want to go get them.



Frozen Free Fall, Solitaire Double-Deck HD, Beyond Gravity, Puzzle Craft, 99 Bricks Wizard Academy, Monopoly, Star Wars Pinball 3, Star Wars: Assault Team, CSR Racing, Can Knockdown 3, Video Poker - Jacks or Better, Video Poker - Deuces Wild, Dragon Quest VIII, Spider Solitaire+, Fruit Ninja: Puss in Boots, and Flappy Wings.

Happy 4th of July!

Hey I’m the Fourth of July, the most American holiday there is. I hope you’re ready to party because I’ve got fireworks, BBQ food, beer, beautiful weather, lawn games . . . did I mention fireworks? I don't want to say that I'm the best holiday ever, but I definitely am.

Happy 3rd of July!

A message from the Third of July:

Let me guess, you’re confused. Why would anyone celebrate the third of July? Well just because I’m a day earlier than my “friend” the Fourth of July doesn’t mean I’m any less significant. Lots of stuff happened on my day too. For example, on July 3rd of the year 324 Constantine I defeated Licinius in the Battle of Adrianople. So there’s that.


Constantine

I know that you’re going to say that "without the Fourth of July, there wouldn’t be a United States." Well, guess what? On July 3rd, 1890 Idaho was admitted as the 43rd of these United States. That’s right, if it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be an Idaho. Then where would we get all our potatoes from? Those damn Irish?

Okay that sounded racist. I want to go on record saying that the Third of July is not racist. It’s just that the Seventeenth of March is always bragging about how awesome he is and I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m also afraid that if he hears that I hate the Irish he’ll bare-knuckle box me to the ground.