BTW FWIW my POV is GR8 IMHO!

I'd like to think that I'm pretty "hip." I'd even go so far as to call myself "streets ahead." But even someone as cool me gets flummoxed when trying to decipher those damn texting acronyms (LOL right?!).

While looking up text terms I found this handy resource. It seems legit, except for the "alternate definitions" which seem particularly problematic. Check out the secondary definitions for number 4 and number 7. Don't want to mix those ones up. . . .



Here's one more reference I found while researching a blog post.



I like to imagine Ron Burgundy reading it aloud. "Mama is a lady. And that's very clear."

Someone likes bacon even more than me

Woman gets 3-7 years for shooting over bacon-less burger
Associated Press (article excerpt) - April 21, 2015

A Michigan woman has been sentenced to three to seven years in prison for opening fire at a McDonald's restaurant after workers twice failed to put bacon on her burgers.

Authorities say 30-year-old Shaneka Torres became angry in February 2014 when the first burger she ordered at the restaurant's drive-up station was missing bacon. She was offered a free meal, but bacon also wasn't added to a second burger order.

Police say she fired a shot through the restaurant. No one was injured.

Glee glee glue glee gleck

(I asked my three-year-old to come up with a title for this post.)

I don't know what's worse. The fact that this store has unmarked "charity" boxes at the end of their checkstands, or that people are DONATING to the unmarked boxes. What is going on here?



My new business plan is to plant a bunch of boxes like this all over town. I give my personal guarantee that 100% of all proceeds will go to a really cool guy who could use the money. Just think: For the price of a cup of coffee, you could give me enough money for a cup of coffee!

Putting Songs on Blast! #4

SONG: Hate It Or Love It
ARTIST: Game (feat. 50 Cent)
LYRIC: "Sittin' in the Range, thinkin' how they spend 30 million dollars on airplanes, when there's kids starvin'."

While I applaud your charitable sentiment, I can't help but think how many kids you could have fed if you'd have chosen a sensible Camry over that Range Rover you're sitting in.

SONG: Blessings
ARTIST: Big Sean (feat. Drake and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I haven't had a good time in a long time, you know I, I'm way up I feel blessed!"

I'm getting a bit of a mixed message here, Drake. . . .

SONG: Somebody
ARTIST: Natalie La Rose (feat. Jeremih)
LYRIC: “I wanna leave with somebody, and we ain't gotta tell nobody."

This whole song is a disaster, but this lyric is probably the worst. If you ignore the double negative, Jeremih (God it hurts to type that name) is saying that he's not going to tell anyone they hooked up. How many women out there are excited by the prospect that the man she's hooking up with isn't going to tell anybody? Is this a thing?

SONG: Centuries
ARTIST: Fall Out Boy
LYRIC: "You will remember me, remember me for centuries!"

Jokes on you, bro. I'll be dead way before then.

Putting Songs on Blast! #3

SONG: One More Night
ARTIST: Maroon 5
LYRIC: "There you go again, there you go again, making me love You-hoo."

Okay, we get it, you love chocolate flavored drinks. Do you really have to howl about it? I hope they're paying you a lot for that endorsement.

SONG: Sweater Weather
ARTIST: The Neighbourhood
LYRIC: "I hate the beach, but I stand in California with my toes in the sand."

You know what I hate? Americans who spell "neighborhood" with a "u" to appear cultured and cool. Also, if you don't like the beach, maybe you should get the F*CK OUT OF CALIFORNIA! Phew! Glad I got that off my chest.

SONG: Bitch Better Have My Money
ARTIST: Rihanna
LYRIC: “Bitch better have my money! Please don't call me on my bluff. Pay me what you owe me."

This whole song is supposed to show how badass Rihanna is. She threatens that she has someone's wife in the back of her car while making gunshot sounds, etc. You know, basic "wildin' out" shit. The problem is that she appears to not understand what the word "bluff" means.

SONG: Only
ARTIST: Nicki Minaj (feat. Chris Brown, Drake and Lil Wayne)
LYRIC: "If you lame and you know it be quiet."

What if you're lame and you don't know it? Like, let's say you're singing a song with the lyrics, "if you lame and you know it be quiet." Will you shut up then?

National Beer Day

Apparently there's such thing as "National Beer Day," and that day is today. Go get some champagne and celebrate!

Click the image below to view a large map showing (almost) every country's most popular beer.

Putting Songs on Blast! #2

SONG: Tongue Tied
ARTIST: Grouplove
LYRIC: "Let's bump the beats 'till beddy-bye."

This song isn't deep, but it has kind of a catchy beat. I thought it was okay until I heard the lyric "bump the beets 'till beddy-bye" (and threw up in my mouth).

SONG: Blank Space
ARTIST: Taylor Swift
LYRIC: "I can read you like a magazine."

I like this song, but the expression is supposed to be "I can read you like a BOOK." I know I sound like an old man here, but it bothers me that these millennial whippersnappers won't read anything that's not accompanied by a bunch of glossy photos.

I guess it could be worse. She could have said, "I can read you like a tweet."

SONG: Heart of Gold
ARTIST: Neil Young
LYRIC: “I've been to Hollywood. I've been to Redwood. I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.”

These are the only places Neil says he's searched for a "heart of gold." Maybe he should try somewhere outside of California? I know he says he's "crossed the ocean," but based on his limited knowledge of geography he may have just swam across Lake Tahoe.

SONG: Four Five Seconds
ARTIST: Rihanna (feat. Paul McCartney and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I'm Four Five Seconds from wildin'."

Sir Paul McCartney helped write this song. Are we supposed to believe that the 72-year-old writer of "Good Day Sunshine" is on the verge of "wildin' out?" What would that even look like?

SONG: A Sky Full of Stars
ARTIST: Coldplay
LYRIC: “You're a sky full of stars. 'Cause in a sky full of stars I think I see you.”

So you think you saw her inside of herself, because she's herself? WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!

Putting Songs on Blast! #1

Anyone who knows me knows that I looove to make fun of songs. I've decided to share my sarcastic comments on popular songs in a series I'm calling "Putting Songs on Blast!" Please know that my making fun of a song does not mean I do not like the song; some of these songs are great! (Though to be honest, most of the songs are trash.)


SONG: I Don't Mind
ARTIST: Usher (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "Your body rock and your booty poppin’, I’m proud to call you my bitch."

I think everyone in life is looking for that special someone who's "proud to call them their bitch."

SONG: Thinking Out Loud
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70."

After that you're on your own.

SONG: Not For Long
ARTIST: B.o.B (feat. Trey Songz)
LYRIC: "I wanna show you off like a trophy car, ‘cause anything is better than nothing at all.”

And they say romance is dead.

SONG: Dark Horse
ARTIST: Katy Perry (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "She ride me like a roller coaster. Turned the bedroom into a fair."

Like with agricultural exhibits and livestock auctions? Is there a 4-H club involved?!

How embarrassing for you!

As far as I know, I've April fooled you FOUR TIMES IN A ROW (2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015)! This is getting ridiculous. The fan club I linked to yesterday isn't even one of the Mario Lopez fan clubs I belong to! How embarrassing for you.

Better luck next year!

This blog has moved

Due to hosting issues this blog has been moved. From now on all entries will be posted here. Please update your bookmarks accordingly.

Status Update: Arrested

Suspect in Maine burglary posts that he's hiding in cabinet; police find him in same cabinet
Associated Press - March 24, 2015

A Maine man who'd been wanted by police for several weeks made a couple of critical mistakes that led to his capture - he sent out social media messages pinpointing his location.

The Somerset County Sheriff's Office had been looking for Christopher Wallace, of Fairfield, in connection with a burglary in January.

Police tell the Morning Sentinel that on Sunday night they received tips from people who said Wallace had posted on Snapchat that he had returned to his Fairfield home.

So, police went to the house.

While they were searching with permission of the resident, they were tipped off that Wallace had posted a new Snapchat message saying police were in the house looking for him and he was hiding in a cabinet. He was found in the cabinet.

Oh snap, my dear Watson!

A few days ago Sherlock Holmes started following me on Twitter (I know, right?!). The account stays pretty close to character, with a few notable exceptions. See if you can spot the inaccuracies!

Starbucks fixed racism in one week!

Yesterday marked the end of the Starbucks "Race Together" campaign (in which customers were encouraged to talk to baristas about race). I have to say that I'm glad that it's over. The sign next to the register at my local Starbucks was making me really uncomfortable.

Kitty History

Exactly like ours!

The only thing missing is Steve Harvey

Go play Google Feud

It's a mashup of Family Feud and Google autocomplete. The answers are kind of a sad commentary on society, but in a hilarious and fun way!

Taking the piss (and throwing it back)

Urinators in Germany warned: St. Pauli walls 'pee back'
United Press International (article excerpt) - March 6, 2015

Leaders in the "party district" of St. Pauli in Hamburg, Germany, are discouraging public urination by covering walls in paint that "pees back."

The St. Pauli Interest Community released a YouTube video explaining the most frequently-soiled walls in the district are being covered in a super-hydrophobic paint that causes sprayed liquid to bounce back in the opposite direction -- causing public urinators to make a mess of their own pants and shoes.



The walls treated with the paint are labeled with signs reading, "Don't pee here! We'll pee back!"

"I've seen in Facebook and the local newspapers that the reactions were very positive. People were just tired of the peeing on walls, home entrances and playgrounds," Christiansen said.

"Watch out! From now on, it's Peeback time," group member Julia Staron said in the video.

Michael Bolton in Office Space

This is fantastic. I have to respect anyone who's called a "no-talent ass clown" in a movie and is still in on the joke.

A video posted by Funny Or Die (@funnyordie) on Mar 10, 2015 at 9:03am PDT

Who let the dog out?!

Okay I don’t want to come off as a jerk, but I feel I have to say a few things about this sign.



1. It seems obvious that the dog ran away DIRECTLY after you adopted it (as it was still wearing the cone from the vet). Are you sure you're qualified to own this thing?

2. When you say, "VERY SKIDDISH," are you trying to say that he is prone to being run over by cars? Sorry, that was uncalled for.

I assume that you meant to write "skittish," and ignored the red dash underline thingie on your computer. Skittish seems like an apt description, but it's not much of an incentive for me to try to catch your dog. You might as well just say "CRAZED MONGREL ON THE LOOSE."

3. Who named him "Rexx?" If it was you, I wouldn't put much stock in him answering to the name you gave him 24 hours before he ran away. If it wasn't you, then congratulations on not naming your dog Rexx. Which brings me to my last point . . .

4. Is the extra "x" really necessary? Is this dog a hipster? Does it know if you are calling him "Rexx" as opposed to "Rex" or even "Rexxx?"

Well, now I feel like an asshole because I've made fun of someone who lost their dog. While the chances of this person reading this blog post are pretty slim, I still want to say that I'm sorry that Rexx is on the loose. Hopefully he finds his way back to you and you can relaxx.

I don't like to throw around the word "hero," but . . .

Long Island man busted for using wooden dummy in carpool lane
United Press International - March 2, 2015

A New York state police officer said he pulled a car over for speeding in a carpool lane and discovered the passenger was a wooden dummy in a hooded sweatshirt.

Suffolk County Highway Patrol Officer Jonathan Abrams said he spotted a car speeding in the high-occupancy vehicle lane on the Long Island Expressway in Dix Hill about 6:30 a.m. Friday.

Abrams pulled over James Campbell, 56, and quickly "realized that the front seat passenger wasn't human," the officer told WABC-TV.

"I was trying not to laugh at the guy because I thought it was quite silly," Abrams told WNBC-TV.

Abrams said Campbell told him he was using the dummy so he could take the HOV lane and be on time for his new job.

Campbell said he has been using the dummy to travel in HOV lanes "for months." He said being cited for speeding and an occupancy violation has not changed his habits -- Campbell said he used the dummy to drive in the HOV lane on his way home Friday.

The JLA Bathroom Experience

I found this sign posted in an employee restroom, and I want to go over my favorite parts (that sounds dirty).



“There should be no evidence that you were ever here.”
Treat the bathroom stall like a crime scene. If possible, perch on the toilet bowl like a ninja when doing your business.

“Hands should be washed immediately after you exit this stall.”
Don't even THINK about lingering around the sink area. You have approximately 10 seconds to start washing after you leave the stall, or you will be forcibly removed from the premises.

“The JLA Bathroom Experience."
The JLA Bathroom Experience sounds like an experimental rock band from the 70's, or some type of amusement park ride. Either way, they should sell t-shirts. I would totally buy an "I survived the JLA Bathroom Experience" t-shirt.


P.S. The photo above is tilted exactly 0.5 degrees in a counterclockwise direction. It drives me CRAZY, but I cannot change it without distorting the text. I just wanted everyone to know that I am aware of the problem, and I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

Some blog posts just write themselves

I found these two bumper stickers displayed on THE SAME CAR.

LED flat screen for only $19.99!

Looks like the people at Lite-Brite are taking a cue from the greeting card companies.



DETAIL:

B-L-O-G-G-I-N-G, find out what it means to me

There is no denying that there are a lot fewer blogs than there used to be. I've always preferred the format to other forms of social media because I have much more control over the way I present content. Blogging also allows me to choose whether or not I want to display ads (I don't). I think The Guardian summed it up best in an article published a few months ago.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Looking forward to sharing your VD with the one you love? Start the day off by sending them an ecard from dgreetings.com. I used this site for an apology letter a few years back and got some really positive feedback. Here's a sampling of cards available on their site.



I can’t imagine what would make me fall for someone like you.



Your scent is in my soul.



Who exactly is this card supposed to be for?



My lips are dry and could use a change of taste. Want to strengthen your face muscles?



If I could remember, I would probably leave.



Please lift the restraining order.



This one starts out strong.



How could you do this to me?

Don't get scammed by fake monkey brokers!

If you are in the market for some monkeys (and honestly, who isn't?) make sure you do your homework. While researching monkeys for my Pulitzer Prize worthy Top 5 Monkeys article I came across a very informative video.



Key Points To Consider:

• Do not have monkeys shipped to you. "When you send the money, you never get a monkey."

• There's no such thing as "monkey adoption."

• You will definitely definitely definitely definitely be happy if you buy from a reputable breeder.

• And remember: Pay for all of your monkeys in cash!

Hope this helps!

Everybody's doing it

I've been drunk before, but I've never been "fall asleep in a dumpster and get rescued from a garbage truck while being mistaken for a homeless person" drunk. And what's the deal with people getting stuck in trash trucks lately?

2 sleeping in dumpster get emptied into garbage truck
Associated Press - February 11, 2015

Authorities in Florida say a man and woman who were intoxicated had to be rescued after falling asleep in a dumpster that was later emptied into a garbage truck.

Hillsborough County Sheriff's officials say the couple had been sleeping in a dumpster outside a convenience store near Tampa early Wednesday. When the dumpster was emptied into the back of the garbage truck, they started screaming and banging on the sides of the truck.

Rescue crews were called just after 5 a.m. They removed 37-year-old Donald L. Jordan and 49-year-old Lisa Sirbella from the truck. They were taken to Tampa General Hospital after complaining of back pain.

Deputies originally believed they were homeless, but learned they were highly intoxicated after hanging out at a nearby casino.

Top 5 monkeys (+ worst ever)

1. Pygmy marmoset
2. Howler monkey
3. Titi monkeys. Examples include the "brown titi," the "ornate titi," and "Prince Bernhard's titi" among others (all real names).
4. Brass Monkey
5. Davy Jones

Worst: Marcel from Friends

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Creative marketing

To promote sales in France, Hasbro has started secretly inserting REAL money into some of their Monopoly games. Let's hope this plan goes better than when they tried a similar strategy with the classic game Mouse Trap.

A Semi Truck Named Desire

Nice job graffiti guy. It was a stretch, but you pulled it off.

Well played, weatherman. Well played.

Check out how this weatherman reacts when his map malfunctions.

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's that time of year again. The time when Punxsutawney Phil emerges from Gobbler's Knob (real name) to predict the weather for his slack-jawed cult followers. If that little rodent sees his shadow it'll be six more weeks of winter. Fingers crossed everybody!

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's that time of year again. The time when Punxsutawney Phil emerges from Gobbler's Knob (real name) to predict the weather for his slack-jawed cult followers. If that little rodent sees his shadow it'll be six more weeks of winter. Fingers crossed everybody!

Happy Groundhog Day!

It's that time of year again. The time when Punxsutawney Phil emerges from Gobbler's Knob (real name) to predict the weather for his slack-jawed cult followers. If that little rodent sees his shadow it'll be six more weeks of winter. Fingers crossed everybody!

The post of the beast

This blog post is number seis sei VI for old More Rants than Raves. I am afraid to write the number in English because my strict religious upbringing taught me that if I so much as think this number I will spontaneously burst into flames. Since I can't "skip" this number like the fancy hotels "skip" floor 13, I must forge ahead and throw caution to the wind. Here goes nothing. No really, I don't have anything more to say.



FUN FACT: If you read this post backwards you'll hear the mantra chanted by the character Art in the 1989 comedy classic The Burbs: "I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal."

This just popped up in my browser

The folks at Hillshire have done it. They figured out how to make a hot dog look MORE like a penis. Also, is there anyone on earth that needs a recipe for this concoction?

You're welcome, Earth

The good people at change.org sent me an email thanking me for my recent humanitarian effort. I know that signing a digital petition for a taco emoji isn't the most important contribution to society that took place in 2014, but I'd like to think it's at least in the top ten.

Bag rant

I don't know about you, but in my "neck of the woods" grocery stores have started charging for bags. The idea is great in theory, but terrible in practice. Aside from the obvious problem of having a bunch of bags flying around in your car all the time, I believe the practice of charging for bags actually hurts the environment.

In the past, I recycled cans and bottles by putting them in the used paper bags I received from grocery stores. Now I don't have any place to put this crap. When I toss my beer cans in the street I place the blame squarely on my city's ridiculous bag policy.

Another problem with charging for bags is that now I am way more upset when a bag breaks. When one of the handles breaks off of my flimsy paper bag and my food smashes to the ground all I can think is, "I paid for this damn bag?!" I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that if I've been sold a defective product, I'm entitled to some type of compensation from the offending company. I'd settle for one of those kick-ass motorized shopping carts, or free steaks for life.


Bag images courtesy of American Beauty

So instead of buying bags, do what I do. Say "no" when asked if you want to purchase bags, then grab a stack on the way out of the store. Sure, you'll look like an asshole bagging your own groceries in the parking lot, but just think about how many nickels you'll be saving!

I lied!

I know I said I was over emojis and would never use them again, but apparently I just can't resist. I downloaded an app called Bitmoji that makes personalized emojis based on an avatar you create for yourself.

At first the emojis the app created seemed cool and fun.



Then they got kind of weird and cheeky.




Then it got TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

Free ride to the dump!

Man scooped up by California garbage truck survives ride
Associated Press - January 16, 2015

A man searching for his wallet in a trash bin in Northern California was scooped up by a garbage truck and taken on a long ride.

The Oroville Mercury Register reports that the man survived the ride in the rear of a garbage truck. His name was not released.

Yolo County Sheriff's Lt. Martin Torres said the man got struck in the trash truck when it made a pick-up Tuesday. The truck was headed to a landfill.

Torres said the man told police he was stuck in the truck for about an hour.

Authorities said the man told police he used lumber in the truck to reach the top of the garbage pile and avoid the compactor.

The man was taken to UC Davis Medical Center for complaints of back and neck pain.

I can't tell what I like most about this article:

a) A guy got picked up by a freaking trash truck.
b) The fact that it happened in YOLO county.
c) The guy battled for survival in a trash compactor, Star Wars style.

Maybe the best t-shirt ever

You can buy the shirt here (makes a great gift for the Ryan Danger Sims in your life)!

Dadvice

When helping your toddler use the toilet in the middle of the night, it's a good idea to use a flashlight so they won't be blinded by the bathroom light. It is NOT a good idea, however, to let them hold the flashlight (even if they're really cute and beg you to let them).

You will end up having to buy a new flashlight.

Top 5 novelty hats (+ worst ever)

1. Gigantic foam cowboy hat
2. Beer helmet (with can holders and straw)
3. Restaurant sombrero
4. Rasta hat with fake dreadlocks
5. Colored plastic gambling visor

Worst: Those jester hats people wore in the 90s

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

It's true what they say

I've heard people say that they "learn so much" from their kids. I didn't know what they meant until now. Check out this rad Indiana Jones triceratops combo.

Liberty and tacos for all

I try not to delve into politics on this blog, because I don't want to alienate readers. This blog caters to everyone from stinky tree humpin' hippies to gun totin' steriod enthusiasts. I don't care if you're voting for Ross Perot or Abraham Lincoln's ghost in the next election. All I care about is that you faithfully read this blog and tell everyone you know about how awesome it is.

That being said, there has come a matter that is just too important for me to not to get involved. I cannot in good conscience stand aside and watch this issue be swept under the rug of injustice. I am referring of course to the change.org petition created by Taco Bell. The fast food chain is currently lobbying to get a taco included in the list of official emojis.

When history looks back on the events that transpired today, how will you be remembered? What will you tell your grandchildren?

VOTE YES ON TACOS!

The little things in life

I love how my blog archive compresses into a neat little stack at the beginning of each year. Call me crazy but it really does make me happy. Actually don't call me crazy. I'd be like, "Oh I'm crazy, huh? I'm craaaazy? I'LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!" And I really don't need that kind of drama.

Great gift for kids!

I found this review online last month while researching a Christmas toy.

Hap hap happy 2015!

I have to admit that every year I find myself a little disappointed with the Times Square New Year's celebration. I guess my standards were set too high from watching Gremlins 2 as a kid.

New Year's resolutions

1. Reach ideal BMI by losing weight, or growing a couple of inches.

7. Mature enough that I don't smile every time I hear someone talking about the "ball drop" in Times Square (or when typing "growing a couple of inches," for that matter).

4. Look up the definition of the word "fleek" and use it in a sentence in order to appear "hip."

8. Learn how numbers work.

25 Maps That Describe America

Mental Floss recently published a series of maps that highlight various regional differences within the US. Click here to see them all.

THE MOST FAMOUS BRAND FROM EVERY STATE:


HALF THE COUNTRY LIVES IN THE BLUE COUNTIES:


THE MOST POPULAR NFL TEAM BY COUNTY:


THE U.S. MAP DISTORTED BY POPULATION:

Thurl Ravenscroft was gr-r-reat!

Did you know that the guy who sung, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” was also the voice of Tony the Tiger in those Frosted Flakes commercials?





Thurl Ravenscroft, in addition to having an awesome name, voiced characters in a bunch of classic Disney movies and can be heard on rides all around Disneyland. He passed away in 2005, but his voice lives on as the lead vocalist of the singing busts in the Haunted Mansion, as well as in the background of The Pirates of the Caribbean, and a few other rides. He also voiced Buff the bison head in the (now closed, but never forgotten) Country Bear Jamboree. What a cool job!

Original jokes!

I've decided that there's no way I can keep posting my tweets in the format I was using before. I know, I know, the posts looked so great! The problem is that it was WAY too time consuming to create those images and the posts were taking up too much of my blog feed. 

You can now view all my Twitter jokes on one page by clicking the "one liners" link on the left of this blog. It's a great way to read my material without having to sift through all the annoying stuff on Twitter like "at conversations," "hashtag games," and "other people's jokes."

I'll update it frequently so check back for new stuff. Hope you enjoy!

Starbucks baristas

What they say:
Would you like room in your coffee?

What they mean:
Pick from the following two options.

A. I'll leave two inches of space in your cup, effectively giving you a smaller coffee for the price of a larger one.

B. I'll fill your cup so full that it will spill through the lid, scalding your hands and staining your clothing.

An abominable occupation

There are some pretty weird app titles in the Google Play store, but this one may take the cake.

What went wrong?

South Dakota pulls driving campaign over innuendo
Associated Press - December 12, 2014

South Dakota officials have canceled a public safety campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of jerking the steering wheel on icy roads, saying it's too risque.



The Department of Public Safety has pulled the "Don't Jerk and Drive" ads, which played on the double-meaning of the word "jerk." Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader earlier this week that the double meaning was intentional, to grab people's attention.

He says the message is that the department would prefer drivers keep their cars out of the ditch and their mind out of the gutter.

But his boss, Public Safety Director Trevor Jones, says he's pulling the social media and television ads. He says he doesn't want innuendo to distract from the goal of saving lives on the road.

BREAKING NEWS: These videos are funny

These super short YouTube clips get me every time.

Watch the guy on the left.



This poor bastard. . . .



My favorite of the three. I love this guy’s Burgundy-esque devotion to the teleprompter.

22 to go

And I mean never.

23 to go

I just realized that if I publish 23 more blog posts this month I will have beat my own record for "number of posts in a year." There is virtually no way this is going to happen, as I do not have time to post every day for the next three weeks. I just thought everyone might like to know that I am close to the goal.

Please do not think that the purpose of this post is to provide "filler" in order to get closer to my goal. I would never do that.