Love

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary! My wife and I have been together for over 17 years and I love her so much. In honor of our anniversary I have decided to give you the secret to a long and happy marriage.

You know those cheesy stories that you read where couples leave each other little notes everywhere and then one of them kicks the bucket and the other one finds a note in a special place and then they break down in tears while searching for a pen to write down their story to send to Reader’s Digest? Well it’s kind of like that. Except instead of leaving notes, I leave my wife heart-shaped cutouts from magazines featuring dudes she is not attracted to. Then when she finds the photo, I deny that I had anything to do with it and accuse her of clipping the photo herself as a keepsake (because she is so in love with the guy). Talk about keeping the fire alive!

Joel McHale recorded my outgoing voicemail

I finally got around to posting the outgoing message that Joel McHale recorded on my cell. I had to take it off my phone because apparently it's considered "unprofessional" when your boss calls and gets a message wherein a celebrity refers to you as a "douchebag."

S in a bag

I was going through an old box of books from my childhood and I have to admit that I was kind of impressed. There were a lot of classics, mixed with some cool science and reference books. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I opened one of the books up.

Check out the "art" I added to the text. Is that a turd with a cherry on top?!

Someone can't "let it go"

Frozen Free Fall is a match-3 puzzle game themed around the movie Frozen. While you play, various characters from the movie look out at you from the top of the screen, reacting to the moves that you make. The most dynamic character is Anna. At first she is so encouraging and sweet, looking out at you with her big Disney eyes as if to say, "you're doing so well! Is there anything you can't do? BTW, I think I'm in love with you."

Then you lose. At this point Anna's expression turns to one of disgrace and shame. It's as if she's saying, "I guess I was wrong about you. I thought you were man enough to do this, but now I see that you're just a sad little turd."



P.S. Please excuse the shaky, Cloverfield-style videography. I barely had time to record the video, let alone set up a freaking tripod and shit.

WWHJOD?

378 people 'pay it forward' at Fla. Starbucks
Associated Press - August 21, 2014

A woman started an act of kindness chain that lasted for hours at a Starbucks drive-thru in Florida.

She ordered an iced coffee around 7 a.m. Wednesday in St. Petersburg and asked to pay for the caramel macchiato for the stranger in the car behind her. He returned the favor. The chain kept going as employees began keeping count.

The Tampa Bay Times reports the chain finally ended around 6 p.m. when customer number 379 pulled up and ordered a regular coffee. Barista Vu Nguyen leaned out the window and explained the chain that started earlier in the day, asking if she'd like to participate. She declined, saying she only wanted to pay for her coffee.

Nguyen says he doesn't believe she understood the concept of paying it forward.

. . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .   . . .

My first reaction to this article was, “wow that is so cool!”

My second reaction was, “man that #379 person was a dick.”

My third reaction was, “wait, so everybody paid for the drink(s) for the car behind them? What if you ordered a regular coffee and the van behind you was picking up 12 lattes for their co-workers? You're just supposed to give in to peer pressure and fork over $50?! Screw that, I'm with you #379!"

My fourth reaction was, “what part did Haley Joel Osment play in all of this? I bet this is all his fault."

My fifth reaction was, "I can’t believe I’ve blogged about HJO twice on this blog." That's right, I'm calling him HJO now. If I'm going to be blogging about him on the regular I figure I'd better shorten his name.

Spoiler alert: they escape

I just watched Escape Plan and it was better than I thought it would be, which you can take to mean:

A. I thought it was going to be terrible and it turned out to be okay.
B. I thought it was going to be great and it was even better than I expected.
C. The statement "better than I thought it would be" is as useless as Schwarzenegger taking an acting class, which you can take to mean:

A. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is the best actor ever.
B. Schwarzenegger taking an acting class would be useless because he is a terrible actor and will never get better.
C. Can you just give me the answers? I am really bad at tests.

The movie takes place in "the most secure prison ever built," and I have to say that the facility is very impressive - even the toothpaste is maximum security! Plaque has nowhere to run to.



An interesting side note is that the inmates are apparently allowed a shaving razor. I am assuming that the razor doesn't have a blade and that the hair removal takes place via friction (after a few hours of intense rubbing).

Cheat sheet

There are certain facts that I feel I should know, but I can never remember. Here are a few:

What is the approximate population of the United States?
There are about 318 million people living in the US.

I know penguins and polar bears don't live in the same location, but which ones live where?
Penguins live in the southern hemisphere and polar bears live in the northern hemisphere (except for in zoos and Coke commercials, of course).

How many countries are there in the world?
The answer is up for debate, but by most accounts there are 196 countries in the world.

You do the math

A recent survey found that 65% of Americans still believe the theory that people only use 10% of their brains, even though the theory is 100% false.

Note: The 10% brain theory does apply to many celebrities.

Don't say he didn't warn ya

Massachusetts man tells police that only guns at possible crime scene are his biceps
United Press International (article excerpt) - July 30, 2014

Some Massachusetts police officers bought themselves "tickets to the gun show" when they arrived at a Northampton home to check out a call about a firearm on the premises.

When a man came to the door to respond to the charge, he informed officers that the only "guns" in the house were his biceps.

The 53-year-old man then busted the guns out to flex for the officers, the Daily Hampshire Gazette reported.

Police said the man appeared intoxicated, but he was not charged with anything.

My toddler has super powers

A random joke

A crying woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and says, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says, "Not again. . . ."

Tips for having a garage sale

We're taking part in a friend's garage sale this weekend. I consider myself something of a garage sale expert (I've been involved in at least 20) and thought I would share my sage wisdom on how to conduct a proper sale.

• When you go out to put up signs, bring a marker so you can draw arrows pointing toward your house. Don’t write the arrows beforehand or you’ll have less flexibility about where you can post the signs.

• Don’t forget to advertise on Craigslist. The site isn’t as popular as it once was but a lot of people still use it to find garage sales.

• Make sure you get lots of small bills and coins from the bank so you can give change. Also have some type of money belt or box to keep the cash in so it will be safe and confined to one area.

• Get a bunch of stickers that are different colors and assign a price to each sticker (red = $0.50, yellow = $1.00, etcetera). You don’t have to write the price on each sticker, just know how much money each color represents. Stick these on as many items as you can before the event. This saves a lot of time and stress during the garage sale because you won’t have to answer as many pricing questions about small items (giving you time to negotiate with people on the large sale items).

• Set up as many tables as you can. Your stuff will look a lot better displayed on a table than it will spread out on a lawn or a curb.

• Have as much set up in advance as you can. The most serious garage sale customers come very early and will be loitering around. You want to be able to interact with them and not ignore them while frantically setting out your stuff.

One final note. If you aren't sure whether or not you want to sell something do not put it out on the lawn. You may get caught up in the moment and sell the item only to regret it later. If you decide at a later date that you really don't want the item, don't worry. You can always have another garage sale!

Third time's a charm

Click the image below to listen to the program I was on. You can hear the whole broadcast by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of the NPR page.

I come on the air at the 7:10 mark.

Terrible but so damn funny!

I'm number one!

I am officially on top of an online leaderboard! Okay so there are only four people ranked so far but I have never been higher than like a billion on one of these things so it's a big deal. The game is called Beyond Gravity and it is a legit title (from the makers of Bike Baron on iOS). I know my reign at the top will be short, but I'm enjoying every second.

Stacks on stacks of apps on apps

I had a lot of problems with my Kindle Fire HDX (long story). I ended up returning my Kindle and getting a Nexus 7 tablet. I am SO HAPPY with my Nexus and love that I now have access to the Google Play Store! Here are my favorite apps so far. I listed the names on the bottom in case you want to go get them.



Frozen Free Fall, Solitaire Double-Deck HD, Beyond Gravity, Puzzle Craft, 99 Bricks Wizard Academy, Monopoly, Star Wars Pinball 3, Star Wars: Assault Team, CSR Racing, Can Knockdown 3, Video Poker - Jacks or Better, Video Poker - Deuces Wild, Dragon Quest VIII, Spider Solitaire+, Fruit Ninja: Puss in Boots, and Flappy Wings.

Happy 4th of July!

Hey I’m the Fourth of July, the most American holiday there is. I hope you’re ready to party because I’ve got fireworks, BBQ food, beer, beautiful weather, lawn games . . . did I mention fireworks? I don't want to say that I'm the best holiday ever, but I definitely am.

Happy 3rd of July!

A message from the Third of July:

Let me guess, you’re confused. Why would anyone celebrate the third of July? Well just because I’m a day earlier than my “friend” the Fourth of July doesn’t mean I’m any less significant. Lots of stuff happened on my day too. For example, on July 3rd of the year 324 Constantine I defeated Licinius in the Battle of Adrianople. So there’s that.


Constantine

I know that you’re going to say that "without the Fourth of July, there wouldn’t be a United States." Well, guess what? On July 3rd, 1890 Idaho was admitted as the 43rd of these United States. That’s right, if it wasn’t for me there wouldn’t be an Idaho. Then where would we get all our potatoes from? Those damn Irish?

Okay that sounded racist. I want to go on record saying that the Third of July is not racist. It’s just that the Seventeenth of March is always bragging about how awesome he is and I’m sick of hearing about it. I’m also afraid that if he hears that I hate the Irish he’ll bare-knuckle box me to the ground.

I can't go to VEGAS because I have a BABY!

It's been a long time since I've been to Vegas, but I'm trying to stay sharp so I'll be ready when I return. Mental Floss just published a list of gambling tips from casino expert Bill Zender. I narrowed down the list and posted my favorites below.




IDENTIFY THE CLUMSIEST DEALERS
Zender estimates there are fewer than 100 professional blackjack card counters in the world. If you happen to be one of them, you might nab a 1.5 percent advantage. So save your energy, Zender advises; instead keep an eye out for the sloppy blackjack dealer who will accidentally flash the face-down card. Zender once made a living exploiting this, keeping a notebook of 35 weak dealers from 16 different casinos. The strategy is called "card holing," and it can give you a 6 to 9 percent edge over the house.

LOOK FOR WONKY ROULETTE WHEELS
The roulette wheel is a mechanical instrument. Over time, the wheel may become unbalanced or the frets separating the numbers may suffer wear and tear. The more a wheel is used, the more worn down it gets--and the more it may privilege certain numbers.

DON'T PLAY SLOTS
The average slot machine is probably two, three times more costly to players than the table games. If you insist on cranking a handle, focus on slots that cost $5 or more and play the max bet. On penny slots, the odds are jacked up in the house's favor by 15 to 20 percent.

DON'T PLAY KENO
Your chances are terrible. At some casinos, the house has a 35 percent edge. No gambler has ever matched all 20 numbers on a 20-spot ticket. The odds of it ever happening are 1 in 3,535,316,142,212,174,336. (That's 3.5 quintillion!)

PLAY VIDEO POKER
If there's an exception to the adage that the house always wins, it's in video poker. Typically, the house has only a 0.46 percent advantage (while some versions lean in the gambler's favor). The pay table is posted right on the machine, and the payoff is high. The catch? To cash out, you need to play at an expert level. Casinos make profits on video poker because most players simply aren't skilled enough. So study up.

*BONUS TIP*
The worse your odds, the better your chances for a free drink. So hang out at a game with terrible odds, grab a free beer, and then head over to whatever game you actually plan on playing.

Warning

This wind-up caterpillar toy is NOT for children.

Soul patrol

An evangelist came to my door and handed me a brochure. I didn't think much of it until he left and I had a chance to leaf through the pamphlet. Here are the first three pages.







Um, is this guy going to come back and murder me?

What the what?!

While searching my name on Google I came across a Ryan Danger imposter! This dude is using my first name as his first name and my middle name as his last name! Although I was initially upset that someone was trying to steal my identity again (see the Hobo McGee incident of '07), I have to admit that his impression of me is pretty spot-on. His sexy smirk and irresistible chick magnetism really remind me of me.



I'm not sure what this dude actually does except pose for photographs in a jumpsuit. Check out ryan-danger.com to see if you can figure it out.

Strike two

A few months ago I posted a note to realtors based on a sign I saw in my neighborhood. Yesterday I noticed that the signs have been updated. The good news is that they no longer look like missing person ads. The bad news is that the signs now feature a ghost lady that may or may not haunt your new home.

Another awesome video

As I mentioned previously, my social life these days consists mainly of hanging out with my (amazing) kids. We don't watch a lot of TV, but every once in a while I come across a video that I just gotsta share. Check out Feist performing this sendup of her song "1234."

True dat

Check out this license plate frame!

Hoowwllllllll!

It's Friday the 13th and there is a full moon. If you ever wanted to hunt werewolves, tonight is the night!

Ridin' dirty

This video was sent to me by my friend Jim. He described it by saying, "It's stupid, but it makes me grin like an idiot." I couldn't agree more.

NOTICE:

Due to the general incompetence of the company that hosts my websites, none of the images on this blog are currently available. It's actually a pretty big company so the fact that their servers are down may indicate a "Terminator Rise of the Machines" type scenario in which computers have finally become self-aware. If that is the case then stop reading this post immediately and hit your computer with a hammer.

I'll update this post when the images are back online (assuming we are all still alive).

UPDATE: The photos are back (obviously). 6/11/14 @12:26PM

I'm famous!

A couple of days ago I called in to NPR to weigh in on a discussion of whether or not Tom Cruise is crazy. I was patched immediately through! Today I called in again to offer my wonderful insight, and again I was put straight on the air. I practically have my own show at this point. I am currently inquiring about how much money I should expect to earn on residuals when people listen to the archived broadcast.

Click the images below to listen to the programs I guest starred on. You can hear the whole broadcast(s) by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of each page.

I come on the air at the 13:25 mark.


I come on the air at the 6:37 mark.

Ha ha

Funny images from graphic designer David Olenick.

Donut doughnut doe nut

Mitch Hedberg was a really funny comedian. He died young but his legacy lives on. Check out the quote on the bottom of this donut receipt (found on Reddit).

Mediocre!

I just got a digital subscription to OK! magazine. Never has a publication's title so accurately described its worth. Although I am a bit embarrassed to admit that I read the mag, I challenge anyone to find a description of John Mayer's misshapen penis in "respected" publications like the New York Times. Here's an example from last week's OK!:

Since they split in February, Katy Perry has been verbally cutting down her ex-lover John Mayer to friends. "She's letting rip on everything . . . even the size of his manhood. She says it's 'a funny shape' and like nothing she's ever seen before," spills an insider.



I have so many followup questions. What shape is John Mayer's penis? Zigzagged? Triangular? Also, just how many dongs has Katy Perry actually seen?

[same title as my post on April 8th]

Check out this ad I found in the back of my Popular Science magazine (I added the phallic red arrow). Isn't this treatment just trading one problem for another?

Landlords are out of control!

German landlord tries to collect rent with chainsaw
Reuters (article excerpt) - April 2, 2014

BERLIN - A landlord demanding rent threatened tenants and German police with a whirring chainsaw, a police spokesman said on Wednesday.

The frightened tenants called police to the scene, and the 45-year-old man eventually dropped the chainsaw when the officers showed their guns.

Harder than it looks

Artist Alasdair Thomson sculpted these dresses from solid masses of marble.

A duck friend would be great!

Hangin' out with my son, I've been watching this music video on the regular. It has a sweet hook and I completely agree with the message.

Over 12 billion served

April Fools!

Just in case you didn't figure it out, my last post was a joke. There is no way I am taking this blog down, especially after all the stunning endorsements I received (see the "comments" section of my last post).

I am not sure exactly how many people check this blog every day, but if I had to guess I would say that the number is approximately 12,334,843,229. That means that I fooled over TWELVE BILLION PEOPLE on April Fools Day this year! That has got to be some kind of record.

This is the end

Inspired by the creator of Flappy Bird, I have decided to permanently delete this blog from the internet. I can call More Rants than Raves is a success of mine. But it also ruins my simple life. So now I hate it. I am sorry More Rants than Raves users, 22 hours from now, I will take More Rants than Raves down. I cannot take this anymore.

Hollywood is disgusting

Well it looks like celebrity hobo James Franco was able to beg enough money off the general public to fund his movie Palo Alto. At least the film is helping some young upstarts break into the movie biz.

Palo Alto was directed by Gia Coppola (Francis Ford Coppola's granddaughter), and stars Emma Roberts (Julia Roberts's niece), Christian Madsen (Michael Madsen's son), and Jack Kilmer (Val Kilmer's son). 

Note to realtors

Do not get your signs made by shops specializing in "missing person" ads.

Look again

Body painting by Johannes Stoetter.

Stay in school!!!

This is the craziest public service announcement ever.

You heard it here first

Catherine Heigl is a poor man's Charlize Theron.

Zac Efron is a poor man's Jared Leto.

I know it's harsh, but you know it's true.

Ah to be two again. . . .

Yesterday I rewarded my son with a cookie for taking an afternoon nap. That dude is livn' the high life.

Call me Crazy Overlord

I just read that Donald Glover (of Community fame) got his rap moniker "Childish Gambino" by typing his real name into something called the Wu-Tang Name Generator. Go check it out and see what your rap name would be. From this day forward I will be known as "Crazy Overlord."

P.S. I tweeted Donald Glover telling him to title his next album "Mad Lover" because it is the name that the generator creates when you enter "Childish Gambino." Let's see if he takes my advice.

What the . . .?

I was subbing at a middle school yesterday and noticed some very disturbing class projects hanging on the wall.



At first I was alarmed. Was this some kind of Aryan sleeper cell? Then I realized that there weren’t any white kids in the class. After thinking about it for a while I realized that the 7th grade girl who created the project pictured above must have just wanted to decorate her assignment to make it “cute” (party=balloons, right?). Either way the whole thing is pretty disturbing.

Baller!

Man’s attempt to pay Applebee’s check with $1 trillion bill doesn’t work
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - February 24, 2014

On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined. As The State writes, it’s what he did next that got him into trouble.

Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill. WIS Channel 10 reports that police were called to the scene, but that they didn’t arrest him for the fake currency. Rather, our would-be trillionaire friend was arrested on an, “unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court.” He was sentenced to probation and owes the court $262 in fees.

Hungarian hobo hero

Homeless man wins $2.8 million on lottery and vows to help addicts and abused women
Metro UK - February 16, 2014

László Andraschek won Hungary’s biggest ever lottery jackpot – 630million Hungarian forint – after buying a ticket at a railway station on his way to Budapest for a workshop for recovering alcoholics.

‘I had only picked six numbers and the female shop assistant reminded me that I needed to pick a seventh,’ he said. ‘I told her to make it 24 – it doesn’t matter anyway.’

The first thing married Mr Andraschek did after realising his life had changed forever was to repay debts to his family – and buy a car for his three children.

‘When the car salesman asked me how much I would be willing to spend I held up three fingers,’ the 55-year-old, from Győr, north-west Hungary, said.

‘As I had arrived on a bike he assumed this meant 300,000 forints, but actually I meant 3million.’

He and his wife Anikó said they would spend the money wisely.

‘I have become rich but I have not become a different person,’ he said.

A large portion of the cash will be used to set up a foundation for addicts and women abused by their husbands.

Mr Andraschek has already proven his generosity as the win last September remained a secret until he made a sizeable donation to a hostel for the homeless this month.

The 55-year-old gave up drinking five years ago and insists he now has ‘no need to return’.

Mad skillz (with a "z" and everything!)

I realize that the image below is a blown-out pixelated mess. I also realize that unless you play Call of Duty: Ghosts multiplayer, you probably won't care about this scorecard. That being said, a 32/3 kill to death ratio is just too awesome not to blog about. Pigbutt McGee for the win!

Movin' right along

Nut jobs

It seems like every time I leave my house I run into at least one certified nut job. Here are two recent examples (with some super clever titles that I came up with).

Lighten up
I met a lady while in line for free chocolate chip pancakes who was really upset about balloons. She recalled a trip that she took fifteen years ago with her son to Disneyland. Apparently her son begged her for a balloon and she gave in - a decision that she regrets to this day. She claims to have memories of that "damn balloon" floating around her house for weeks afterward. Weeks. This statement obviously left me questioning her understanding of the physical sciences, but I didn't dare say anything for fear of extending the conversation.

The lady then launched into a rant about an impending helium shortage, which she blames on all the "stupid kid's balloons." She concluded her argument by saying that no child should ever be allowed to have a balloon, and that all balloons should be illegal.

The other b word
I was playing at the park with my son when some kids approached us and wanted to play. We invited them to join and continued making pretend food with sand and leaves. In a moment of inspiration I tore up some pieces of cardboard from my coffee sleeve and pretended it was bacon. The kids asked if they could have some, and I happily complied (reminding them not to actually eat it).

A few minutes later the mother of one of the boys we were playing with approached me. She was clearly agitated and wanted to know who gave her son the "bacon." She said that they were vegan, and that up until now her son didn't even know the word "bacon." I told her not to worry because technically cardboard is vegan. She was not amused.

Appeteasers

Since I'm getting a new Kindle, I've decided to clean house and get rid of a bunch of my old apps. All of these games were great, but my high scores got erased and I'm not going to play them again. If you want to know the name of any app, post a comment describing the icon and I'll respond with the title.